what made you feel the worst | ADHD Information

My father was really bad with the emotional/verbal abuse. I had this hat, that I'd picked up at a garage sale somewhere. It was some San Diego team, and had an SD logo on it. I just liked the hat, and wore it all the time. My dear father decided that SD stood for "Some Dummy". And I was thusly named. He and I don't really speak anymore, ever since he decided one day he'd take my ADHD kid to his house for a few days without my permission. My kid doesn't need his abuse, and he'll never change. I thought he'd just taken my son for a ride on his motorcycle, and instead he was going to keep him for a few days. I went and got my son, which brought on a screaming match and he doesn't speak to me, or see my kids anymore. Which is probably a good thing for all of us. He's the only person really left in this world who could still make me feel like a total loser. Obviously as long as this post is, I still have issues lol.

None of us are stupid, the stupid ones are those who can't understand our genius:)

I always felt so different from everyone else.  Like there was something wrong with me, but no one would tell me to protect me from knowing about it.   My parents weren't  mean or neglectful, but their teasing sometimes was hurtful. I had the reputation of being a cry-baby and overly sensitive and would get scolded for it.  Also, I got fussed at all the time for losing things, being forgetful and "not trying hard enough" in school.  I think it confused them that I was very smart in some subjects, but clueless in others.  I never read a complete book in school...just learned how to skim the important parts to take the tests or write papers. 

 I was very industrious and loved to do yardwork, housework and anything that kept me busy "doing something", which made my work-aholic father happy at times, however. lol    I was constantly scolded for "not thinking" before doing something (Impulsivity) and it was when I was older that my parents started pointing out my dumb mistakes all the time.  It was miserable! :(

[QUOTE=Cozmo]

For me being neglected/ignored was the worst. I was raised to be "independent" which translated to my parents not parenting me. Few rules, fewer rewards to a great extent I was left to raise myself.

[/QUOTE]

I can relate to this.  For example, neither of my parents saw my report cards the whole way through high school.  Of course, at the time, I didn't want them to see them so I would take them out of the mail.  However, they knew they were missing them and I guess just didn't want to get involved, or had their own things to worry about.

I felt peripheral, a problem if I got in the way of their time.  Despite all of that, I know they loved me.  Strange, isn't it.

I did very well on the SAT tests at that time so despite my very bad grades, I got into college.  I remember telling my mother in May of my senior year in high school that I had been accepted to the stae university (the only one I had applied to) and she was very surprised that I had applied, etc. 

 

 

you know, I didn't realize how much of a bad time I had until I was beyond childhood.

 Looking back, it was terrible.

But then, during that time, to me, it was great.


Good word, guided.

I coulda been a missile.

Spanking didn't last long for me. I still remember my last spanking, my dad spanked me, I looked back at him and said so, poor guy didn't know what to do.

Verbal abuse hurt a bit more, but I guess being ADHD did have an advantage in this regard because I forgot about it fairly quickly.

For me being neglected/ignored was the worst. I was raised to be "independent" which translated to my parents not parenting me. Few rules, fewer rewards to a great extent I was left to raise myself.

Ya done well, Cozmo.

I almost didn't survive my self.
I was not only called dumb and lazy but got the crap beat out of me with a belt and whatever my parents could get thier hands on.  I was only beaten for major infractions, just yelled at for the small ones.  I couldn't vote for two things so I voted for the one that affected me the most.  I have long forgiven parents that didn't get me because I think they didn't even get themselves as I believe they both had/have ADD(Dad is gone).  I can still remember my father saying to me "You couldn't find a quarter in the middle of the floor".   It was also a nightmare for me socially.  I didn't pick up ques from people and thought everyone had their emotions sitting on their sleeves like me. 

Finally, by highschool, I learned to just be quiet and after much listening and watching people's behaviors I became pretty much an expert at it.  It wasn't until after highschool though that I learned to be more outgoing and make friends easily.  I accomplished this without meds which I think is a miracle in itself after the horrendous past I've had.  I finally put a name to what I had when my daughter was diagnosed, but she doesn't seem to have it anywhere near as much as I do.  She's an A-B student and gets along well in school, unlike me when I was her age.   Right now we are just taking one day at a time and doing ok.  Sorry for the long post.  Dee
P.S. Do I sound too much like a "smashed tator?"
Topic: what made you feel the worst

Actually, Teguila did.

I puked all the way home, and then some.

Couldn't stand the smell of it forever after.
[QUOTE=lostmyshoe]P.S. Do I sound too much like a "smashed tator?"
[/QUOTE]
Naw. You sound like a real one.

Baked, maybe.

Loaded.





P.S. Did you know in Yuma AZ you can't get cilantro for your tator? Or that other green weed. No matter how much you complain. They'll just give ya a Shiner.

[QUOTE=lostmyshoe]
P.S. Do I sound too much like a "smashed tator?"
[/QUOTE]

Not so long ago, beating kids with belts was truly considered appropriate discipline - it's probably only really changed in the past 10 years or so. 

IMO, as strange as it sounds, parents who  did these things often loved their children, and even thought they were doing the right thing. 

And if others questioned the parents who did these kinds of things, they would probably tell others that they knew what to do since it was THEIR kid, and that the person suggesting that it wasn't right should mind their own business - since they obviously didn't understand anything.

Lost, imo, developing understanding and resilience are two of the strongest qualities a person can have.

 

Sure my parents didn't understand me or know how to relate to me at all.

I don't understand me and most people don't know how to relate to me nor I to them.

My parents gave me a sane, giving, moral vision of an insane, immoral, greedy and absurd world. This hurt me the most.
[QUOTE=spaz]

 I have no doubt my parents love me and did the best they knew how, but these things have definatly effected me as an adult in a negative way.

[/QUOTE]

I think most parents love their children - even if they do sometimes do things that are hurtful.

Sometimes, I think we give adults (including parents) too much credit and expectation.  When adults (including parents) are really just big kids (with their own issues), doing the best they can.

 

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. That isn't true. The things I was accused of hurt me very deeply. They make you doubt yourself and make you wonder why you can't be as good as other people when you try so much harder than they do. 

The schools can't understand why I am more upset over the teachers talking to my child the way they do in front of other kids than anything else. They should have to walk in that child's shoes for a while.

I was their black sheep genius.

I wasn't guided well.

I coulda done more damage earlier in life.

Instead, I waited til I was 40 to start.

Well, by all aperances I had a normal Happy stable childhood. My parents were stable, always provided for our needs, never raised their voice in anger, always attended school events ect. ect. You get the picture.

 However they also never gave us a hug, said I love you, tucked us into bed, or took the time to explain anything to us as kids. So, our family was pretty emotionaly vacant.

I was also sexualy abused on several diffrent occasions by a neighbor boy. I guess because of the absence of an emotional bond with my parents I could never bring myself to tell my parents. To this day they have no Idea.

The intresting thing is my dad is very affectionate with us now and especialy with the grandkids. My mom still has difficulty with hugs, I love you ect, but we just tell her anyways, then she will say it back.

 I have no doubt my parents love me and did the best they knew how, but these things have definatly effected me as an adult in a negative way.

 

After considering the spanking thread, I thought I'd add this poll.

I was spanked a little as a child - though never very hard.  For me, it didn't have a big, damaging effect although I know that it does for some.

The things that caused more damage for me had to do with being treated as a pawn between divorced parents who didn't know how to deal with each other as adults (I think they liked the stimulation of arguing, etc - an add trait, combined with attempts to control the situation),

being asked to cover up all kinds of things and being told that every family has secrets, having to pretend constantly,

being yelled at regularly just because someone needed to vent - and directed it at me (I think this was a poor add coping mechanism with things unrelated to me); along with this, being called names,

 being embarassed by the "abusive' behavior,

dealing with someone who had little patience (add trait),

dealing with someone who would seek attention (add trait) - using me for this purpose, while also having real issues ignored because they would have been inconvenient, difficult, etc.

I don't write this to complain about my childhood.  For the most part, despite those things, I had a good childhood.  I also realize that it does no good to blame.

However, my opinion is that, even though I generally think spanking (from the other thread) is not a good choice, there are so many other things that often occur in families that are more damaging to a child than most spankings. 

 

TheDog38785.6020717593ok this is probably gonna sound strange. 

but the first time i actually got yelled at, properly yelled at - was by my maths teacher when i was about seven and i think i almost went into catatonic shock. 

for some reason, my mum just didn't seem to need to raise her voice with us (especially me, i was a very biddable child, a people-pleaser - i hated to see anyone unhappy so i would always try to do the right thing). and i think my mother knew that so although she would chastise me (i got spanked for example) it was never done with an explosion of anger.

and to have my teacher YELL at me - i don't even remember what i did wrong, but i do KNOW it wouldn't have been deliberate.  i don't think i could speak for about two hours....

yeah, yeah --- totally over-protected childhood. 

we were noisy as kids and boisterous and i was always cut and bruised but we never focused anger/aggression on each other - or not in that same way.  or something was different anyways.

and i was completely pathetic as a child - it's true.  i do remember my siblings had got cross with my mother over something - and they told me to go in and tell my mother 'that i didn't like her flowers' (she had bought some and arranged them nicely i think, i don't remember that well - i was very young less than four)

so i went in - and said "i don't like your flowers!"  and promptly burst into tears and said "sorry, sorry - i love your flowers, i didn't mean to say that.  i'm sorry".......... and my poor mother had to comfort me in floods of tears!

ridiculous!  i had a very protected childhood!

I was never spanked, never neglected or ignored, never had to cover up a family secret, I was never ever called stupid or anything like that by any adult until I was old enought to understand why (that the adult felt insecure around me) and I was never abused in my home.

But I was verbaly abused in school by every other pupil for nine years and that hurted like hell. That's also the root to many of my emotionissues today.

/Kaks

I had to check "none of the above".  What made me feel the worst for the longest as a child was being left out from doing fun things.  Either by my two older sisters or maybe not being invited somewhere by someone else.

I think you probably should have separated neglected and ignored b/c I see neglect as abuse like not not caring for a child's basic needs, whereas being left out is hurtful emotionally.

bepatient38786.945474537Yes , as to verbal abuse, Mom: "Son' why don't you use your head for something besides a 'hat rack'!". My brothers called me DD , for Dumb Danny! My uncle:" Boy, If you'r brains was gasoline, you wouldn't have enough to power a pissants motor scooter!! Always a momnent of disappointment, never thinking first, (for anyone) but I was lucky to watch my older brothers get the crap beat out of them and knew 'ya'Don't mess with Mama, and avoided many a$$whoopin'za By default,,, he told me to (which one of my brothers would always blame me) didn't always work for anyone.