impact of ADHD on non ADHD siblings | ADHD Information
some of this stuff is just little brothers being little brothers ...most little brothers bug their sister and the friends ...but I do agree that the non adhd sibling does not get as much attention...I* try had to keep it equal but sometimes my ADHDer gets moreHi,
I have an 11 year old boy with ADHD. He was diagnosed in grade 1 and is on Ritilin. His sister is 13 years. i have really begun to notice the strain and negative impact of growing up with an ADHD sibling on her. Some examples...she is always interrrupted, alot of my attention gets focused on him, she always has to be 'good' because he is causing disruptions, she gets angry at his behaviour, she feels frustrated by him, she occasionally feels embarrassed of him, he is always talking so she doesn't get a turn, etc. There is little to no research on the impact on siblings and only one book (it's called "My brother is a world class pain") geared to siblings. I was thinking of putting together maybe a pamphlet or booklet (I am also a Social Worker) with my daughter's help to support and validate the feelings of the kids who are growing up with ADHD siblings. There is so much out there for those with ADHD themselves and for parents of these kids but nothing for the siblings! I wonder if others on this board might be willing to share their observations, experiences, etc. in deaing with their non ADHD kid in terms of the impact it has on them. Or ideas how you balance between the ADHD and non ADHD kid. Thanks!!
I have often looked for information for siblings of ADHD kids for my daughter and found there isn't much for them.
My daughter tries very hard to be understanding and often handles her brother with great maturity and understanding (she is 11, he is 10). I feel she does miss out and we often have discussions about why things are the way they are. She deals with the resentment my son directs toward her because "she never gets told off". It is very tricky and I think siblings need to have their feelings validated and a book written for them would be great!
I could also do with some tips on how to balance things between them.
Count me in.
My daughter is often embarrassed, and doesn't understand why he acts the way he does. When she was younger she always tried to be the good one. I worried about this because she was too good. It sounds wierd but I actually told her she should get into trouble sometimes too, and that its okay. She remembers this now at 12 but for some reason I think she needed to hear this. I think she was trying to be good because at times he gave us a really hard time. She is still a good kid, but does need to go to her room on occasion. I was starting to worry when she was younger. I never thought I would have to tell a child to misbehave sometimes. Too Wierd. Despite her brothers difficulties she loves him anyways. I would often just go out somewhere with my daughter, so I don't feel our relationship suffered, accept when she was younger. When he was younger he spent alot of time in his room, so then I had time for just her also.
momiss238786.3133796296I did read one research study on this subject. I will try to get a link for it later if possible.The study wondered if an adhd sibling had a negative or positive impact on the social skills of non adhd sibs. To the researchers surprise, the non adhd kids had more mature levels of social skills.
Altho its rough and I often feel bad for my youngest who takes a lot of guff from my middle adhder, I see my youngest having developed great people skills which will carry him far in the future. Now if my youngests people skills would rub of on adhd ds!
This is great...it's got me thinking of not only the stress and negative impact on the non AD sibling, but also the positive skills that can be developed.......
Also, because I am new here, can someone tell me how to contact people directly ie. through email..is there a way to connect with your emails off of this board to follow up?Thanks.
My non-adhd child is 3.5, and my other child is 6.5. The little one mimics his poor behavior so there is a negative impact. I have twins, one ADHD and one not, the non ADHD is just starting to notice how the other kids treat her brother, and it really hurts her. Although it is hard at the young age of 7 to stand up for him. She is great with him at home but starting to become embarrased at school. We are just starting to talk about his problems and some of which he cannot help. She is a very empathetic kid, so she does understand, but sometimes does not like it.Lauralea: Very interesting study. I'm glad you found it and posted. It really made me think. What jumped out for me was that he cuts her up all the time, and calls her names frequently for no reason. He does not listen to her either, and argues anytime she says something, even if she's not talking to him. I tell her ignore him. Most of the time she can, but at other times she can't. Then it escalates. I often send him to his room for this, but I don't think I do enough. It made me think just how much we expect of her even though she's younger, by 2.5 years. So what I got out of it is: Boy is he going to spend more time in his room for aggression, argueing, and belittling statements to her. Thanks a bunch.
I too am the mom of an NON ADHD daughter. My step son has ADHD and has lots of issues (i.e. anger management, lying, stealing, disruptive behavior, etc.). She is older than him by one year physically, but mentally she is probably ahead by 5 years. As we all know, boys mature slower than girls at this point in their lives, but with his other issues, he is way behind.
My daughter constantly tries to help and be his "little mom", but that causes lots of arguments and my husband and I have to step in. Sometimes I feel that because my step son has so many issues and his dad is so relaxed about things as it relates to him, that he is much too hard on my daughter when she is just trying to help. I am now not only the mediator between my daughter and step son, but now with her step dad too. I am sure alot of it is also because of the mine vs. yours stuff, but the ADHD issues have a HUGE roll in all of this.
It would be wonderful to have help on all of this. We are currently in counseling and just starting to tap on what makes our boy tick and how to handle situations. His real mom and issues with her have created even more problems in correcting his behaviors and issues, but I am hoping we can get some much needed answers and direction on how to handle the family life such as it is.....anyway, I just wanted to add my two cents in on this one....thanks.
HERES A COPY OF THE ONE RESEARCH STUDY I FOUND ABOUT THE IMPACT ON SIBLINGS....... The Impact of ADHD on SiblingsHave you signed up for a Free Trial subscription
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That is why I was so pleased to recently locate a study in which this issue is examined (Kendall, J., Sibling accounts of ADHD. Family Process, 38, Spring, 1999, 117-136). I found this to be a wonderful study, even though the information presented is somewhat upsetting. As you read the information below, please keep in mind that what the author of this study reported does not necessarily apply to all children who have a sibling with ADHD. I have personally seen families where the relationship between sibs when one had ADHD was quite positive, and this may certainly be true of your own family. Nonetheless, I believe what was uncovered in this study is potentially quite instructive and useful to know about.
Because so little work has been done in this area, the author elected to conduct a qualitative rather than a quantitative investigation. Rather than collecting rating scale data, or other kinds of data that could be translated into numbers and then analyzed statistically, the approach was to gather as much in-depth information as possible about the experience of children who live with a sibling who has ADHD.
This was done by conducting a series of in-depth interviews with children and parents in 11 families. These families were participants in a larger study on the family experience of living with a child with ADHD. Thirteen non-ADHD siblings, 11 biological mothers, 5 biological fathers, 2 stepfathers, and 12 boys with ADHD each participated in 2 individual interviews and 2 family interviews. Eight of the 13 non-ADHD siblings were younger than their ADHD brother and 5 were older. Seven were boys and 6 were girls. The average age of the boys with ADHD in these families was 10. None of the children with ADHD were girls. Five of the boys diagnosed with ADHD had also been diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Three of the families were of low income and receiving federal assistance. The other 8 families were of either middle or upper middle socioeconomic status.
In addition to collecting data by interview, written diaries were also kept by the non-ADHD siblings. These children were asked to write in there diaries once a week for 8 weeks regarding their account of a critical incident - either particularly good or particularly bad - that related to ADHD. These diaries, along with the interviews that were were audiotaped and transcribed, formed the data base that was used to examine common themes in the lives of siblings. The goal was to identify the major themes that emerged across the accounts of the 13 different siblings who participated.
The author emphasizes that the findings to emerge represent only one possible account of the sibling experience, and should be considered as tentative. Because these accounts were provided spontaneously by siblings themselves, however, it is reasonable to believe that they capture important aspects of the experience for many children.
From the massive amount of data collected - over 3000 pages were transcribed - 3 major categories of the sibling experience were identified. These categories were disruption, effects of disruption, and strategies for managing disruption. An overview of the experiences represented by these different categories is presented below. An extremely rich set of descriptive data was presented, and I will do my best to capture this for you.
DISRUPTION
Disruption caused by the symptoms and behavior of their brother with ADHD was the most central and significant problem identified by the siblings. Children described their family life as chaotic, conflictual, and exhausting. Living with a sibling with ADHD meant never knowing what to expect next, and children did not expect this to end.
Seven types of disruptive behavior were identified. These included: physical and verbal aggression, out-of-control hyperactivity, emotional and social immaturity, academic underachievement and learning problems, family conflicts, poor peer relationships, and difficult relationships with extended family. These are the different problem areas that the siblings of ADHD brothers indicated as being most disruptive to their lives and to their family.
Although these types of disruption were reported consistently across the 13 siblings, there were, of course, important differences in the extent to which children reported themselves to be adversely affected. Children who were most affected lived in families where the sibling with ADHD was an adolescent, with more than one sibling or a parent who had ADHD, and where the sibling with ADHD was more aggressive which went along with having ODD in addition to ADHD. Among all siblings, however, it was clear that that the vast majority of family disruptions were attributed to their brother with ADHD.
There were several different types of disruptive patterns that were identified. These included the child with ADHD doing something that needed immediate attention, younger siblings mimicking disruptive behavior, seeking revenge on the sib with ADHD, or parents allowing the child with ADHD to "run wild". Children described family life as focusing on their sibling with ADHD and of constantly having to adjust to the disruption and the negative effects it had on themselves and family life.
EFFECTS OF DISRUPTION ON SIBLINGS
The disruptive effects of their ADHD siblings were experienced by children in 3 primary ways: victimization, caretaking, and feelings of sorrow and loss. These are described below.
VICTIMIZATION
Siblings reported feeling victimized by aggressive acts from their brothers with ADHD through overt acts of violence, verbal aggression, and manipulation/control. Although the most severe acts of aggression were reported by boys whose ADHD sibling also met diagnostic criteria for Oppositional Defiant Disorder, every sibling interviewed reported feeling victimized to some degree by their ADHD brother.
Although not all acts of aggression reported would be considered severe, all were perceived by siblings to be destructive to their sense of safety and well-being. They also reported that parents often minimized and did not believe the seriousness of the aggression. Thus, while parents tended to attribute such behavior to normal sibling rivalry, none of the children interviewed experienced their brother's aggression in this way.
Many children reported that they were easy targets for their brother's aggression because their parents were either too exhausted or too overwhelmed to intervene. Interestingly, this impression was confirmed by many of the ADHD children themselves, who noted that they could get away with hitting their sibling while they would get in trouble for such behavior at school.
Overall, siblings of boys with ADHD tended to report feeling unprotected by parents and were resentful of the degree to which family life was controlled by their brother. They often worried about the ADHD child "ruining" potentially fun activities that were planned and no longer looked forward to certain events because so much depended on how their brother with ADHD would behave.
Feelings of powerlessness was a commonly expressed sentiment. As children became increasingly resigned to their situation, many seemed to develop an image of themselves as unworthy of attention, love, and care, and experienced feelings of rejection from their parents.
CARETAKING
Many siblings reported that they were expected to act as their brother's caretaker. Both younger and older siblings talked about how parents expected them to befriend, play with, and supervise the ADHD child. Among the caretaking activities that children reported being expected to perform were: giving medication, helping with homework, intervening with other children and teachers on behalf of their brother, keeping their brother out of trouble, and getting their brother involved in activities when parents were exhausted.
Although 2 of the 11 siblings reported positive feelings and pride about taking on such a role, the others said this was quite difficult because they were expected to care for their brother even though they were frequent targets of his aggression. They also reported feeling that although they were supposed to provide relief for parents, they never received any relief themselves.
Children expressed resentment that they often felt responsible for their brother's care even though they had no input into the decision-making. Many felt caught in the middle - having to care for and supervise their brother while being attacked and victimized by him.
It is important to note that parents tended to regard such caregiving as what siblings do for one another, and did not regard it as anything particularly difficult or extraordinary. The children themselves, however, felt very differently about this.
FEELINGS OF SORROW AND LOSS
Many siblings of boys with ADHD reported feeling anxious, worried, and sad. They yearned for peace and quiet and mourned not being able to have a "normal" family life. They also worried about their sibling with ADHD - about his getting hurt by other people and getting into trouble.
Children reported feeling that parents expected them to be invisible - to not require too much of their attention and help since they were consumed caring for their child with ADHD. Many felt ignored and overlooked much of the time. They reported trying not to burden their parents any more then they were already burdened. They felt their needs were minimized by parents because they seem so much less significant than the needs of the ADHD child.
Some of these sentiments, of course, could be considered to be part of the competition for parental attention that is part of many sibling relationships. The author suggests, however, that these feelings are much more pronounced in siblings of a child with ADHD. It would have been quite instructive to collect similar data from children with non-ADHD siblings to see how such feelings compare.
STRATEGIES TO MANAGE DISRUPTION
Three of the 10 siblings reported that they dealt with their brother's behavior by fighting back. All 3 of these children had been diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Whether their aggressive behavior arose purely in response to the attacks of their ADHD sibling, or reflected other important causes as well, could not be determined.
The majority of siblings, however, responded to the situation with their ADHD brothers by learning to avoid and accommodate themselves to their brother. The process they described was a transformation of intense anger about how they were being treated, to sadness and resignation. In some children, this process appeared to result in clinical depression.
Some of the statements that children made about dealing with their sibling are really quite telling.
"I've learned to check and see how he's feeling before I even say hi when I come home from school. If he looks upset I don't say anything because I know he will yell at me. I dread coming home sometimes."
"I've learned not to talk to him about what's important to me because he won't listen or he'll say its stupid. So, I only talk to him about what he wants to talk about and that way he won't get mad at me."
"I just try to stay out of his way most of the time and go with the flow." Overall, 10 of the 13 siblings interviewed in the study thought they were severely and negatively affected by their brother with ADHD.
IMPLICATIONS
It is important to put the results of this study into the proper perspective. As the author points out, these findings are based on a small sample of ADHD children and their siblings, and the experiences of the siblings in this study may not necessarily be representative of what many children experience. Certainly, one would expect that some children with ADHD siblings have very positive relations with their sib and within their family. One can and should not assume, therefore, that children in one's own family are necessarily having a similar set of experiences.
As noted previously, it would be helpful to consider these children's reports in comparison to what children who live with non-ADHD siblings describe. This would help differentiate what may be more typical feelings that children with siblings have from what may be unique to children who have a sibling with ADHD.
The children in this study all had brothers with ADHD. One can certainly not assume that the experience of children with a sister who has ADHD would be similar. This would be a very interesting and important issue to examine in future research.
It is also possible that children's reports of their experience may not necessarily reflect the actual reality of their situation. They may feel frequently victimized by their ADHD brother and overlooked by their parents when this is not truly the case. Certainly, it is not uncommon for children to feel they are being treated unfairly by sibs and parents, and this could certainly have contributed to what these children had to say about their situation.
These caveat aside, these data have important implications and I think need to be taken quite seriously. The description provided by the children in this study is certainly consistent with what I have observed in many of the families I have worked with.
There are several things that parents can do to minimize the likelihood of their child without ADHD having the type of experience described here. An important place to start would be to think carefully about how the experiences shared by the siblings in this study fit with what may be going on for your own children. It is difficult for any parent to recognize that one of their children is being victimized - even when it is by their other child. The parents in this study, as you recall, tended to minimize the reports of siblings and to attribute what was going on to normal sibling rivalry. The children themselves, however, had a very different perspective.
The same applies to taking a careful look at how much one is expecting a child to care for his/her sibling. These children tended to feel burdened by caretaking responsibilities when parents believed it was what siblings do for each other. Asking oneself what your own family's expectations are and whether or not they are reasonable could be quite useful. I have to say reading this provided an important wake up call to me.
Sibling reports of aggression/violence need to be taken seriously. There can be an almost reflexive reaction to deny or minimize such accounts, which can leave a child feeling very much alone and unprotected.
As difficult as it can be in busy families, making the effort to spend special time alone with the non-affected sibling can be enormously helpful. These children were reluctant to make demands of their parents because they saw them as so overburdened trying to manage their sibling. They, of course, need parental attention as well, and making sure that it is provided can go a long way to helping a child feel better about his or her situation in the family.
For health care professionals, I think these results highlight the importance of paying close attention to the siblings of a child with ADHD in an overall evaluation and treatment plan. A focus on how to maintain a reasonable family life in spite of the disruption caused by behaviors related to ADHD may be important for many families. Looking back on my own practice, I now recognize how often I failed to consider the needs and experiences of siblings as fully as may be necessary.
The impact on family members of children with ADHD, particularly on siblings, is an important but under-researched area. This qualitative study is an important initial step to learn more about this. I am concerned that the findings of this study may be disconcerting to some readers and sincerely hope that if this is the case, you are able to take positive steps to addressing issues that you feel are important.
My ADHD child is a boy who is 7 and my non ADHD child is a girl who is 10. She is having the same reaction as lauralea's - wants more attention, is nurturing, but she sometimes just loses patience.
One thing we do is to have a mother/daughter day at least once a month where just the two of us go do something special - it could be just a shopping trip, lunch, a movie, whatever. Plus, I'm her girl scout leader so that gives us a bit more time alone.
Thank you Lauralea! Very interesting stuff indeed.
I thought the same thing momiss2. I try to pull my son up whenever he is going out of his way to annoy or upset his sister. Sometimes I let things go because it seems fairly minor and I don't want to deal with the drama. This must make my daughter feel frustrated that I'm not dealing with it. I need to be more consistent with that so that she feels protected and that it is not right that she be treated that way.
She is a placid, gentle child who has, on the odd occasion, raised her voice at me through anger and I have told her off for it. My son on the other hand, raises his voice EVERY day and will get away with it to a degree (the boy would never be out of his room if I gave him time out every time!). She must feel like he gets away with murder but the moment she steps out of line once, I come down on her. She expresses herself freely when we have talks and I will apologise to her when there is something I have or haven't done that was not fair to her. Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, I make the wrong decision and will admit when I am wrong and explain to her what would have been a better way to handle it. I think this is helpful to her and she realises we are doing our best but sometimes make mistakes.
When our boy is in a good mood, they are the most loving, caring siblings you can imagine. It's when Mr Hyde comes out that all hell breaks loose!!