how to convince dh? | ADHD Information

I'm new to the boards  and I'm hoping someone can  give me a little advice.  My 9 yr old son was dx with mild ADHD 2 years ago but has not been medicated.  DH is  not convinced he has  ADHD and is the type that won't even take an aspirin unless absolutely necessary.  I respect the fact that he doesn't want to expose his child to possible side effects  when he doesn't even believe his son needs the meds.  DH claims that if he can focus some of the time he can focus all the time with a little more effort (my son is either hyper-focusing or not focusing at all).  He's also very bright and gets decent grades in spite of his inattention, so I can't even argue that he may fail school without more help

 I just got back from  a parent teacher conference and it's the same old story.  He's not focusing, he's not working up to potential, he talks too much and he's never completely still.   His teacher is wonderful and very supportive.  She's also the first teacher he's had since Kindergarten that feels he does NOT have ADHD (she says there are a few other boys with similar issues, but I know their parents and they have been evaluated for ADHD as well.  One is on Adderal and is doing better).  My son was at the conference with me and he was just so upset to be told he needs to try harder.  He's still crying and it breaks my heart.   Has anybody else had trouble getting their spouse to see what's really going on?  How did you deal with it?  I don't want to argue with my husband (again) but I don't want my son to grow up thinking he can never please anybody..so why bother trying
There is a great Alternatives to Meds section of this board that might help.  My dh had some problems with the dx at first, too.  Part of it, I think, was b/c he had just received a dx of ADHD for himself and he felt guilty.  However, once he realized that it actually helped our son for him to face up to the dx so we could move and help him, that is what it took.  We use supplements to help our son and have seen him come a long way in a year!Welcome!  I'm wondering if your son has ever been evaluated by a neuropsychologist.  There are ADHD mimickers out there, and I think it's important to figure out exactly what's going on before putting interventions into place.  I personally don't believe a bright child doesn't try hard enough -- there has to be something going on.  A neuropsychologist will be able to test your son (generally 8 hours over 2 days) in such a way as to identify both strengths and weaknesses and to make recommendations for interventions to specifically help your son.  Neuropsychologists are frequently found at university and children's hospitals.  Good luck.[QUOTE=SmallMom] I personally don't believe a bright child doesn't try hard enough -- there has to be something going on.[/QUOTE]

I second that emotion.

 You sound like me two years ago. Read up on the supplements and alternatives to meds. Its possible that you can sell your husband on them since you can call them nutritional products.

As far as your son's schooling goes, if you want to pm me with the specific areas that you see him having the most trouble with, I will be glad to share the accomodations that worked for my son if they are the same. There are ways you can help your son have a more pleasant school experience. Its even possible that he will qualify for a 504 at some point.

[QUOTE=BackToReality]...DH claims that if he can focus some of the time he can focus all the time with a little more effort (my son is either hyper-focusing or not focusing at all).  He's also very bright and gets decent grades in spite of his inattention, so I can't even argue that he may fail school without more help  This describes me when I was a child.  
 ...My son was at the conference with me and he was just so upset to be told he needs to try harder.  When this happened to me as a child I wasn't upset, I was emotionally damaged.  ...I don't want to argue with my husband (again) but I don't want my son to grow up thinking he can never please anybody..so why bother trying  That is exactly what I think when people criticize me for things that I honestly can't control.  [/QUOTE]

I am now 34 years old, I can tell your dh a thing or two about how it feels to go undiagnosed for 29 years.  I can tell him about all of the self medication I did growing up undiagnosed, and how amazed I am to still be alive today.  I can tell him about the decade of therapy that it took for me to develop something that even resembles self esteem. 

Or you can PM me his email - I will tell him.  *evil grin*  Trying harder doesn't work.  How would your dh feel everyone expected him to be a rocket scientist or olympic athlete?  Then, when he failed, they told him he wasn't trying hard enough.  Nuts right?  Except this happens to those of us with ADHD every day. 

Perhaps your son doesn't have ADHD.  But if he does, he needs and the help and support of his parents.  Where can he get understanding and acceptance, if not from you?  Sorry about the rant, I feel for your son.  I have been there. 

Best wishes, please let us know how it goes. 

If dh is that set on not using meds- try alternatives.  There are sooo many that can help and work great, especially since you say ds is not too bad.  But don't let it go too much longer.  Surely dh will not object to things like omega's and magnesium- they can sometimes work wonders....

Sarah

Thank you all for the feed back.  I will look into the alternatives and give it a try.   Barb, his biggest problem right now is that he needs to be re-directed very frequently at school.  I think his teacher is handling it well right now.

SmallMom, my son has been evaluted by a neuroligist.  I know all about neuropsych and actually have a degree in psych myself and I do Applied Behavior Analysis with autistic children.  I also know how to do intellectual assessments.   I have even taken some classes along side those in the the neuropsych program at the local university.  I do believe they would do a more thorough eval but right now it's a cash flow issue and my insurance won't cover it.   I'm pretty confident that I've looked at his problem from every angle and I'm certain it's ADHD.  I've investigated the possibility of anxiety issues, sensory integration issues and learning disabilties

This is going to be a really long post but to give you the big picture, my daughter (14) also has ADHD, (inattentive) and has managed all these years without meds, thanks to very supportive teachers and friends who helped her stay organized and focused.   I always told her when she felt she needed the meds I would fight the battle for her.  She started high school this year and has just decided she's ready.  She went to her dad and told him how she felt and he reluctantly agreed to give it a try.  She has an appointment with the neurologist next week

Reisa, Don't apologize for your rant.  I fear for my son growing up feeling like you did.  I try to be supportive of his efforts and always let him know that he is loved, and bright and a terrific person.  I emphasize his strong points.  My dh does also and he truly is trying to protect his child so it's hard for me to be angry with him.  Don't get me wrong...my son's well-being comes first in my life so this is not a battle I'm going to give up on.  We had a long talk last night and he still doesn't agree with me but at least he seems to understand my concerns (all the ones you listed and more)  If I thought it would help to have you send him a mail I would ask you to, but I think he would just get angry about it.  I also had a long talk with my son.  I told him he needs to be honest and talk to his dad about how he feels when people tell him to try harder.  I think it might help if my husband knew that all the horrible feelings that come with ADHD are not just something that could hypothetically happen...DH needs to hear from my son that some of these things are a reality for him.  Now that he has agreed to let my daughter try the meds, I have more hope for my son.

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