teenager needs to get a job | ADHD Information
Has anyone had a problem convincing their teenager they need to get a job? My 17yr dd is refusing to get one. One thing after another has happened to prevent her from getting a job. She applied to several places last summer with no luck, then the swim team for the first half of this yr, then the truck for her to use broke down and now she is just refusing.
I have restricted her use of the truck to just Sundays because she likes to attend church with her bf family, which is a good thing so I'd hate to have to take that from her. However, I did tell her if she didn't change her attitude she wouldn't be driving at all. Her response was that they would come pick her up. So I was forced to say that she wouldn't be going anywhere until she had a job.
She says I can't make her get a job!! She is so obstinate, she is driving me crazy and always has. She makes things sooo much harder than they need to be. She needs to get a job and learn about responsibility, money management, both of which she need to learn about.
She's suppose to go job hunting this Fri. but I fear it will be a waste of time. She won't put her best foot forward. I'm sure she'll sabotage any potential job offerings.
To tell the truth, I don't want her around the house all the time either because she is so, so....difficult. She's a bully when she's not getting her way and I can't take the stress. Any ideas?
Lilbit,
It's working better now, but I did "let her go" when she worked for me. She left early, found ways around work played on computer. I agree it didn't work.
I hope things get better for you!
OlderMom, I think I heard your irritation coming through, am I wrong? or is it my irritation I hear?
She can work, she just refuses. This is a child that always disappeared at the first sign of work. She will clean house on her terms, when she wants something. If I ask her to do it or leave a list it never seems to get done. She is very stubborn. There's a thread here somewhere on that subject. Having a hard time doing things their told to do. That could be her problem but I'm at a loss on how to make a job seem like her idea.
She did go job hunting last Friday as I said but it is looking as though it was another attempt at humoring mom. She said she went to Walmarts and 3 other store in the area and a nursing home. I don't think she's trying very hard and just did it to please me, hoping I'd relax and give in. She's in for a surprise because I won't give in. I'm at the end of my patience with her.
Wonderpatty, If I were in a position where I could give my dd a job, I don't think I'd hire her. She knows too well how to push my buttons! It would cause more problems than it would solve if we were to work together. Good luck to you too! It sounds like things are working out pretty well for your dd.
As you all know I am the old lady of the group:) When I was a teenager we had to beg my parents to let us work as teenagers...they were afraid it would interferes with out school work. They relented but told us if our grades went down the job was gone...unfortunatly I was not a good enough student to hold a job and keep passing grades so my parents made me quit my job. I did not work again until after graduation...I have always had good work ethics ...so working after graduation does not keep you from being responsible.
I see nothing wrong if the child wants to work while still in school, but making them work will probably cause more friction in the household...
My kids all worked...one reason was because they didn't get allot of spending money from us as hubby was Career AF and there wasn't allot of money to be had. However the same rule my parents had been applied to my kids. If the school grades weren't kept up then the job would go and they would have to wear Kmart Specials until they Graduated They kept their grades up. They also had to put a third of their earnings into savings.
While working is a great way to making money some teens are not ready to work because of the pressures in school. I would think some ADHD kids would have a harder time working and going to school.
Do you give your daughter spending money...and buy her clothes whenever she wants it...maybe it is time to curtail giving her money and tell her she will have to Start working to support her spending habits. My kids got a certain amount of clothes money at the beginning of school...if they wanted more clothes they had to buy them with their own money....They never thought I gave them enough so had to spend their own money.
If she doesn't want to work, fine. Do not buy fancy clothes for her, go to thrift shops. No car, no anything beyond food and minimal clothes. If I hadn't worked when I was in high school that is how it would have been due to financial issues. I had a car that I paid for. The more you push, the more she will push back. That's how I was in hs. Just drop it. Do not give her money for movies, dances, or the like.Everyone Thank You for your suggestions.
I want very much for her to have this experience and I'm sure once she has some money in her pocket that she earned she will feel much better about having a job and about herself.
The only time I gave her gas money regularly was when she was on the swim team and then it was just easier for her to drive herself. Since the end of swim season it's been one excuse after and other.
I don't know anyone who could give her a job or she would have been there. She won't work at any fast food place, won't work at Walmart, won't work here or there, I'm not doing that. I'm really starting to worry about her future. She's in for a long rough road I'm afraid. What if she ends up never being able to move out because she can't hold a job?? Yikes, that's an ugly thought!
[QUOTE=sheri.m]oh my god i am going thru the same problem with my 17 yr old.. i have been trying to get her to get off her butt and get a job for 2 yrs now..she will find every reason why she can't work.. but lately it has been "i dont want to work" i mean this kid doesn't get any money from me or her father so you would think she would want to work... she use to use the excuse that she would just get fired.. she would use her learning disab. and her ADHD.. [/QUOTE]
Sheri - This sound sooo much like my dd. She's ADHD and ODD I believe, next wk I have an appt with the psych to discuss the eval. he just did with her. I'm praying he'll give me more insight into what makes her tick. I really think she's just being defiant and stubborn. I see no reason why she can't work except I fear she will have a problem with her superiors and will end up quitting or being fired because she can't take orders and is very opinionated. She is always RIGHT and everyone else is stupid. I don't give her money for things but she always seems to make due.
I keep hearing from her....I'm not ready to have a job (that means she hates work)..........My grades will suffer (her grades are already up and down and lost credit in a couple classes, how much worse could it get??)...........Why get a job I'll hate (because we all have from time to time and she'll never know unless she gets out there and tries)..........and my favorite You can't make me get a job........I don't know what to say to that. I can make her life difficult until she goes and finds one but she is also very good at making my life h*ll.
Well she is at this moment getting ready to go job hunting. So we'll see. I don't have my hopes to high because she's done this before just to make things look good. I'm praying though. She looks nice!!!
oh my god... are you sure we're not talking about the same child? is her name sarah ? everything you just said about your daughter is the same as my daughter..i swear if she says "thats stupid" one more time i'm gonna scream...This ones name in Kayla, maybe two peas in the same pod. I've always thought she marches to a drumbeat only she can hear maybe Sarah can hear it too!
I swear the WHOLE world could stand in disagreement with her and she will still be right.
Everything and everyone is stupid who disagrees with her. Once while cheer leading she injured her hand and after several dr. appt and 3 sets of x-rays the dr. told her for the final time that it is not broke. Wear the finger splint and start working the fingers and it will be fine. We walked out of the office and that dr. was sooo stupid, doesn't know what he's talking about. Off came the finger splint and never heard another thing about the finger.
She wants to be a dr. She needs to be because she's also a hypochondriac and she can pay me back the money I've wasted on silly dr. appt.
aaaarrgh,does it EVER end??[QUOTE=sheri.m][QUOTE=lilbitcrazy]
She can work, she just refuses. This is a child that always disappeared at the first sign of work. She will clean house on her terms, when she wants something. If I ask her to do it or leave a list it never seems to get done. She is very stubborn.
[/QUOTE] oh my god.... the more i read your thread the more i'm freaked out... are you totally sure your daughter isn't sarah.... hey if you live in michigan we should get together or better yet make the two girls move in together..
oh one question to you... WHAT DOES YOUR DAUGHTERS ROOM LOOK LIKE? I MEAN IS IT CLEAN OR A MESS...CAN YOU SEE THE FLOOR?[/QUOTE]
That makes two of us that are freakin out! I'm glad to have someone who really understands but I am SO sorry you have to deal with this too. Life with Kayla has not been easy. That's the thing this is not just a teenage thing, she has always been this way. I have an average teenager that I get plenty of attitude from but she would never think to act the way Kayla does. I actually think my 14yr. is amusing but there is nothing funny about Miss Kayla!
I like the idea of the girls moving in with each others. Considering where we both live we could find them a place in the middle of the state between us. That way they're to far from home to drop in everyday to go thru the cupboards for food or to drop off laundry. I have caller id so I can screen her calls so I don't have to listen to her whine and complain or to hear how stupid everything is. Hey, I'm loving this idea! The only problem is Kayla tends to hate anyone who is remotely like her (but of course their not like her at all and as you know their just.....stupid) but then again they'll be too far away from home so that would be their problem not ours!
OH THE ROOM, Is there carpet in her room? No wait I'm sure there is but I'm afraid I can't remember the color it's been so long since I've seen it. When we run out of glasses I know where to go look. I can't figure out why she has a closet or a dresser because nothing gets put away. Wait the dresser is for piling things on. It is the worst pig sty I have ever seen. When I mention cleaning it I get the "Well it's my room, my things." "Why clean it when it won't stay that way." I just hope there's never a fire because we'll never find her in there.
Sounds like the girls will get along just fine on that point.
Glen - 450 is reasonable? Wow, that's a lot of money for a 17yr. old back then.
I agree that there are many benefits to her finding, having and keeping a job. Only wish I could convince her of that.
crazycat - Well, I don't even know what to say to you. The idea of her being 21 and still having this problem is.........well........I just..........can't. I am so thoroughly discussed with her attitude about having a job today that the thought of her at 21 still not.......Grrr! I'm sorry I just can't think about it.
I totally agree with you on the perfectionism idea. That mingled with her fear of anything that resembles work.
[QUOTE=lilbitcrazy][QUOTE=sheri.m][QUOTE=lilbitcrazy]She can work, she just refuses. This is a child that always disappeared at the first sign of work. She will clean house on her terms, when she wants something. If I ask her to do it or leave a list it never seems to get done. She is very stubborn.
[/QUOTE] oh my god.... the more i read your thread the more i'm freaked out... are you totally sure your daughter isn't sarah.... hey if you live in michigan we should get together or better yet make the two girls move in together..oh one question to you... WHAT DOES YOUR DAUGHTERS ROOM LOOK LIKE? I MEAN IS IT CLEAN OR A MESS...CAN YOU SEE THE FLOOR?[/QUOTE]
OH THE ROOM, Is there carpet in her room? No wait I'm sure there is but I'm afraid I can't remember the color it's been so long since I've seen it. When we run out of glasses I know where to go look. I can't figure out why she has a closet or a dresser because nothing gets put away. Wait the dresser is for piling things on. It is the worst pig sty I have ever seen. When I mention cleaning it I get the "Well it's my room, my things." "Why clean it when it won't stay that way." I just hope there's never a fire because we'll never find her in there.
Sounds like the girls will get along just fine on that point.
[/QUOTE]
oh my god....we go looking for glasses up in her room all the time.. all i can say isI don't give her money for anything. I gave her a couple hundred at the beginning of the year for clothes, backpack etc. I really, really can't afford to give her money for anything. I have 4 kids and things are very tight and this was an especially bad winter. So I'm not sure I will even be able to give her money for school clothes shopping next year.
Really the only thing left to do is to put an end to her going any place. Her bf's parents will pick her up or drop her off because I won't let her use the car. Her bf takes her to dinner, movies, bowling etc. She is always gone. At his house studying, bible study, a project to work on, the list goes on and on. She is a very difficult person if she's not getting her way and I really don't want her around the house all the time because she will make my life unbearable and this is really putting it mildly.
I'm not asking for much at this point just a small part-time job 10-15 hr. a week. She needs to learn how to manage money, manage her priorities and being responsible.
LIL,
My dd's boyfriend enabled her too. I finally had to have a talk with him and tell him that unless he planned on marrying her and supporting her for the rest of his life, he needed to back off and let her get some life skills. It took a while, but he did back off.
[QUOTE=lilbitcrazy]She can work, she just refuses. This is a child that always disappeared at the first sign of work. She will clean house on her terms, when she wants something. If I ask her to do it or leave a list it never seems to get done. She is very stubborn.
[/QUOTE] oh my god.... the more i read your thread the more i'm freaked out... are you totally sure your daughter isn't sarah.... hey if you live in michigan we should get together or better yet make the two girls move in together..
oh one question to you... WHAT DOES YOUR DAUGHTERS ROOM LOOK LIKE? I MEAN IS IT CLEAN OR A MESS...CAN YOU SEE THE FLOOR?wonderpatty,
I think his parents are the ones I really need to talk to. I asked her if it didn't bother her to impose on them all the time. Apparently it doesn't. The bf's mom is a very nice lady and I guess I'll just have to tell her whats going on. Who knows what impression they have of me.
We just had another blow out because I won't let her use the car tomorrow even thought she has tried to get a job. This dd of mine in very exhausting!
Our 17 year old who has ODD has been working for about 21/2 years. He really dragged his feet about getting a job at first. However, he was always demanding money, and pitching a fit if we didn't give it to him, so he didn't leave us with much of a choice. We first went out to Job Services, and got a work permit for him. Then, we told him that he would soon be wanting a car, and we didn't have one for him to drive since we both needed ours every day. Therefore, if he wanted to get a car, he needed to work to earn the money. If he got a car, we were not going to pay for insurance, gas, registration, and the upkeep on it, so he needed to get a savings account in place. We also told him that if he wanted "running around" money, he needed to work to earn it, because the "Bank of Mom and Dad" was closed. I then checked to see what places would hire kids under the age of 16, and there were several. I then told him on the day that school ended for the summer not to make any plans, that we were job hunting. I took him around to several places, and waited outside while he put in applications. By that weekend, he had a job at McDonald's. He earned most of the money for his car. We chipped in minimally. He has always paid for his car insurance. He hates working, however, we tell him no work, no car. He does not want to pay for the reparis on his car, however, if we pay for them, we make sure that we pay ourselves back out of his account. His checks are electronically deposited, and my name is on the account with him, since he is a minor.lil - I can talk from experience. At age 17 I had left school for one year. My parents said that was allowed - as long as I was prepared to pay reasonable room and board. I accepted and left school - finding it impossible at the end due to my lack of focus, inability to complete any tasks, and difficulties with my peers.
They stuck to their guns - no work means no place to stay. They gave me a deadline and me having no place to stay (friends were all at home and that was a no-go) I got a job. Just before leaving high school I got a job at the local Radio shack/furniture store. Moved waterbeds and stereos all summer long (ack!). Crap money but good experience. I paid if I remember right about 450 a month in rent - and for the most part I was left to my own devices. I didn't have a license (saw no need for one until a job made it necessary at 19) so I either walked (small town) or got rides if I helped with gas.
It was still not comfy - my dad is very Archie Bunker-ish and rode me like a pack mule. But in general I was treated as an adult as long as I paid the rent on time.
My parents were always lower to middle class. In the '70s parents were expected in farmland Canada to feed and clothe children but the present attitude of "only the best" for kids wasn't present where I looked. My parents never bought me a car - I bought my own when I moved out. My two sisters had to wait and buy their own as well.
I consider the treatment I got as a great life-lesson. I had to clear the ADHD fog decades later but I understand what was meant by it all and it was good. My youngest sis (the smart one) now has a wonderful guy, 2 trailers paid for and being rented out and my parent's house as their own. They have 2 cars and their debt is all reasonable. Very smart and I think my parent's attitude and way of handling us was the key. My middle sis is a twit and her failures (many) cannot be considered a side-effect of the "tough love"
Ok - back on topic lol!
I worked pretty much every day since age 16/17 (except for a couple of times on employment insurance). Never was on welfare. Never got forced to say "want fries with that?" (thank goodness!!).
I will probably be working when they close the casket door.
Thanks mom and dad!
No one has had any experiences with their teenagers having or getting a job?
I'm all alone on this? I realize most poster have younger children but I thought there might be 1 or 2 that have been through the job hunt with a teenager.
Is she good with animals or kids? My daughter visited a dog groomer for her grade seven work experience and they hit it off. She would go in and help them just for the experience. They gave her a very good reference.
[QUOTE=joemom]do they have any programs in the school...sounds like she may need a job coach to get started...i suggest calling the guidance department [/QUOTE]
Several businesses in our city post jobs with guidance counsellors at schools. These are very part time jobs that pay less than minimum wage to students who have never worked before, but need a foot in the door.
Do you know anyone that can give her a job? My 15 yr. old works with his dad for 3 days a week in the summer. This year probably 4 days. Once they get a taste of the money it usually motivates them. Volunteering somewhere with her might be a good idea- like an animal shelter?????
My sister has a 21 year old daughter who is undiagnosed, but is absolutely ADHD. My sister finally stopped giving her any money, or use of the vehicle, until she decided it wasn't worth not working. She gave her a small allowance for chores but otherwise that was it. She wouldn't buy clothes or give extra money for outings. It lasted for about 3 months, then she went and got a job. The kid has now had about 25 different jobs. Good thing she lives in a big city. She gets bored with the jobs, or has difficulty with peers or the boss. She often quits or gets less hours, or fired. Its not an easy road for her, but she's learning.
Good luck. I would like my son to work on weekends, but I will wait for next year, then probably be coming here to ask for the same advice. I think he'd be afraid and nervous trying to find a job. Maybe another year of maturity will help.
oh my god i am going thru the same problem with my 17 yr old.. i have been trying to get her to get off her butt and get a job for 2 yrs now..she will find every reason why she can't work.. but lately it has been "i dont want to work" i mean this kid doesn't get any money from me or her father so you would think she would want to work... she use to use the excuse that she would just get fired.. she would use her learning disab. and her ADHD.. sheri.m38799.8052430556Sheri, maybe the school can help her find a job that she could do even with ADHD. If not, there may be a Job Services for people with disabilities in your community. She may actually be scared of getting a job if she is used to failing (I know I was). On the other hand, she may just be manipulating you. You know her best! Good luck :)one night i got into it with her about getting a job... and she broke down in tears.. so i'm pretty sure she is afraid.. she has trouble reading, counting,and following rules. with sarah you can't tell her 3 things to do at once.. she can't do them.. she might do one or two of them but not all of them..all i know is she won't ever know if she can work if she doesn't try.. that is all i have asked her to do..TRY. do they have any programs in the school...sounds like she may need a job coach to get started...i suggest calling the guidance department or the special ed department of her high school...if she has an IEP this should be addressed in her transition IEP...sounds like she needs to do some serious career exploration and career awareness activitiesI read this, but all my grown kids got their first jobs at 16 and were very good about it. BUT...I never paid for car insurance or their gas money or expensive clothes (divorced and couldn't afford it, and all three grown kids think it was a good thing they were forced to pay themselves), they bought their own clothes, they either worked or they had barebones. All three are productive working people today. If you cut her money, she'd have to get a job. She can't expect you to support her forever and she's going to turn 18. Then what? I have to say, none of my kids had trouble finding jobs. They took anything they could get and actually liked working. Unless she's looking for a professional job, flipping burgers, Walmart and other first jobs don't require a resume. My oldest's first job was KFC, then he cooked pizzas. My other son worked in retail in high school. My daughter worked at Walmart for two years then Subway (and she was also very difficult). It was great to see her learning responsibility by paying for her own stuff. She agrees it was best too! OlderMom38799.7918055556Sorry, Lil, I didn't see your post.The first job is the hardest to get for kids entering the work force. Does your daughter have a well prepared resume?
[QUOTE=lilbitcrazy]
Everyone Thank You for your suggestions.
I want very much for her to have this experience and I'm sure once she has some money in her pocket that she earned she will feel much better about having a job and about herself.
The only time I gave her gas money regularly was when she was on the swim team and then it was just easier for her to drive herself. Since the end of swim season it's been one excuse after and other.
I don't know anyone who could give her a job or she would have been there. She won't work at any fast food place, won't work at Walmart, won't work here or there, I'm not doing that. I'm really starting to worry about her future. She's in for a long rough road I'm afraid. What if she ends up never being able to move out because she can't hold a job?? Yikes, that's an ugly thought!
[/QUOTE] I'm pretty strict about working. If my child wasn't in college and was 18, refusing to work, I'd probably insist she choose to work (even if it's at Walmart and it's too bad if she doesn't like it) or plan to move out. I had to make my 18 year old leave. She was a mess and doing illegal drugs around my little one (yes, she worked!!!). After we made her leave, I cried for three weeks, but she turned her life around. SHe's doing great now--no drugs, good job. I believe in tough love and not enabling, unless the child really CAN'T work. We can't live forever and they do need to learn to take care of themselves.My now 19yo has given us this problem also. She worked off and on throughout high school, but it took her 6 months to get a job after graduating. I sat her down and told her that if she helped herself, her father and I would help her. We said, go to school part time and work part time. She supposedly went job hunting, but nothing came of it. So I got her a factory job with a man at our Church. I told him she can't work with people, customers or too fast paced or too slow paced a job. He hired her for 2- eight hours days and she wanted to quit, I told her quitting was not an option or she would have to move out. She talked him into letting her work 4- four hour days and she is now up to 5-four hour days and going to school full time in the evenings. I think she really needed to know I meant it. I worry though, because she doesn't have the motivation on her own, someone always has to motivate her. She has had 20 jobs since age 16, and has been fired or quit all but this one. My friend said he won't let her quit and often asks her about her school work, and has even given her time off during testing time. I am very grateful, and lucky. She even worked for me in my daycare and I all but fired her.
Can your daughter work with a relative? School? Good luck, we struggle every day.
[QUOTE=lilbitcrazy]
I swear the WHOLE world could stand in disagreement with her and she will still be right.
[/QUOTE]
okay now i'm starting to think my sarah is living a double life..Are you guys anywhere near a major University? If so they usually have career centers and your two can take some tests and get an idea of what they would like to do rather than sit on the couch...they have interest inventories, and also career awareness tests...these career centers are typically run by graduate or doctoral student and they love to work with new clients....if you are by chance in FLorida..they have a great one at Florida State joemom38800.3742476852Good idea, Joemom! I've taken all those tests (requirement for my Master's), and they were very cool. [QUOTE=lilbitcrazy]
This ones name in Kayla, maybe two peas in the same pod. I've always thought she marches to a drumbeat only she can hear maybe Sarah can hear it too!
[/QUOTE]
That's hysterical!
She finally got a job.
She is taking classes to be able to teach younger kids to swim at the Community Center. She has swam on the high school swim team the last 2 yrs. so this is perfect for her. I am crossing my fingers, praying this works out and that she won't find a way out of this.[QUOTE=lilbitcrazy]She finally got a job. She is taking classes to be able to teach younger kids to swim at the Community Center. She has swam on the high school swim team the last 2 yrs. so this is perfect for her. I am crossing my fingers, praying this works out and that she won't find a way out of this.[/QUOTE] well its about time... now if i can get my lazy sarah a job we would be two happy mothers...
I'll send prayers your way, while I'm praying that this job pans out for Kayla. I am proud of her, she did this all on her own. She also volunteered to be a camp counselor at 5th grade camp. She just returned, had a good time and says she'll go again next yr with her brother. I said wonderful idea, then they can have you deal with him when he won't go to sleep instead of calling me.