IRIS - If I understand correctly your getting married and his x passed away RECENTLY and these are his kids? If that's correct, doesn't that mean these kids have lost their real mother and now daddy is getting a new one just months later (we are not talking years here right)?
Wow, if true, these kids are going through hell! I don't think ADHD or anything like that is a problem here. There kids need to talk with a counsler now! And you and you new husband need to go also. These kids have just lived through the loss of their mother and just a year later you are taking her place! Now getting married is your business, but realize these kids have not had time OR direction on how to adjust. This is a very sad and serious problem, don't even think about treating it with drugs or you will be doing more harm than good. Seriously, you need to build a new family - slowing and with help!
Iris,
Some of what you are going through is the normal greiving process for children. I know, I have been there. My husband had 3 children when we married, their mother had been gone just a year when we married. I had more battles than I had even thought possible. His children were 16, 8 and 15 months when we got married and mine were 4 and 2. Both of us had been widdowed and thought it would work better for all involved if we did it together. When we were first married all was well...for a little bit. We have been married almost 4 years, and yes, it does get easier, with time, for the children. The thing I found to be best for my husband's kids was that we did not act like mom never existed. We talk about her when they want to, I have even taken them to the cemetary myself. I know that there are a lot of people who will not agree with some of the things that we have done for our children, but we have done what worked for them. Every child is different, so what works for mine may not work for yours, but I found that when we joined our children, the best thing we did for all of them was to not differentiate between any of them, they are all MY kids and they are all HIS kids. Step-parenting is very hard on its own, but when you add in the ADHD it makes it much more difficult. I am guessing that he was diagnosed before his mother passed away, but I could be wrong. If he has been diagnosed since she passed away, you may want to consider rethinking that diagnosis. Grief in children is much different than in adults. We can put a name t our feelings and find constructive ways to release them, children have immature emotions and are not able to process in the same ways as we are, they tend to act out and cause poblems instead.
I can tell you from experience that children who have anxiety mimic ADHD. Children can experience anxiety from a lot of things. Your impending marriage may be of some concern to them...they may feel that you are going to try to replace their mother. You did not mention in your post how old they are, so it is hard to give you much more to go on. Please let us know how they are doing with all of what is going on.
mymommy2
Great post! Keeping their birth mothers memories alive is a great thing, and it will help them adjust over time. I know it must be tough, because who wouldn't want to start 'fresh' with a new family - just ignore the past. But you have made the tough but right decsion!
I have seen these situations (caused by abandonment and death) over time the kids do want to remember their birth mother, but they almost always develope a deep love and appreciation of their new mother. Actually, IMO, abandonment is harder to deal with than death. The kids always wonder why, and the parents live in fear that the door bell will ring some day - guess who!
You are also right on by saying, this is such great advise!:
Grief in children is much different than in adults.
I can tell you from experience that children who have anxiety mimic ADHD.
Now I don't believe running you kid to a counsler everytime they do something silly. But in these cases, a counsler can help everybody adjust. Since they are also a 'third party' kids especially become more open to what is said.
[QUOTE=mymommy2]
Iris,
Some of what you are going through is the normal greiving process for children. I know, I have been there. My husband had 3 children when we married, their mother had been gone just a year when we married. I had more battles than I had even thought possible. His children were 16, 8 and 15 months when we got married and mine were 4 and 2. Both of us had been widdowed and thought it would work better for all involved if we did it together. When we were first married all was well...for a little bit. We have been married almost 4 years, and yes, it does get easier, with time, for the children. The thing I found to be best for my husband's kids was that we did not act like mom never existed. We talk about her when they want to, I have even taken them to the cemetary myself. I know that there are a lot of people who will not agree with some of the things that we have done for our children, but we have done what worked for them. Every child is different, so what works for mine may not work for yours, but I found that when we joined our children, the best thing we did for all of them was to not differentiate between any of them, they are all MY kids and they are all HIS kids. Step-parenting is very hard on its own, but when you add in the ADHD it makes it much more difficult. I am guessing that he was diagnosed before his mother passed away, but I could be wrong. If he has been diagnosed since she passed away, you may want to consider rethinking that diagnosis. Grief in children is much different than in adults. We can put a name t our feelings and find constructive ways to release them, children have immature emotions and are not able to process in the same ways as we are, they tend to act out and cause poblems instead.
I can tell you from experience that children who have anxiety mimic ADHD. Children can experience anxiety from a lot of things. Your impending marriage may be of some concern to them...they may feel that you are going to try to replace their mother. You did not mention in your post how old they are, so it is hard to give you much more to go on. Please let us know how they are doing with all of what is going on.
[/QUOTE] jrwpmw38028.4072106481Thank You for the great responses. Just to clarify things a bit, My fiance' and the children's mom have been divorced and remarried for years before she passed away. Everyone is in counselling and things are great other than the problems associated with add/hd. The kids 13yrs and 9yrs are great and we are pretty close. I feel very blessed to have such a great family. I am just going through some things I've never been through before and came here for some additional support and opinions. I have a son who is 22yrs so I am no stranger to motherhood, just the special needs of my new son. For the most part, the stress and range of emotions are new and it is nice to have support and knowing you're not alone. My fiance' has been going through this for years now, and it (from my understanding) has been alot worse in the past but has improved. I just want to be able to give the support I need.
I also agree with the 'keeping their birth mother's memory alive' we have actually bonded more because of my losing my mother when I was 18. I can relate to alot of what they are going through and we have really connected in part because of our similar experiences and feelings. The children and I have planted an amarillis in her memory, one last year, and another this year. I am very close to their maternal grandmother as well. My daughter has been in trouble for over a week at school----every day. At home has been somewhat better, but still very angry almost all the time. Then, today (for no apparent reason) has been an angel since getting home from school. Has played with her brother since finishing homework about 3:30 with NO arguments, which is completely unlike the norm at our house. I sometimes feel like I'm walking on eggshells ON a tightrope. I never know what she'll be like. Anybody else feel like they live with 2 different kids in the same body?? It is so confusing!!!!!!!!!!