Sick of fighting a losing battle. | ADHD Information

I'm so sorry! I think we are walking the same path. I was so down I started to post and found I couldn't because I was just to far down....I start to post and delete it.....again and again....surounded by many, yet so alone. unloved, unwanted, just plain unexceptable. It takes so much energy to just get through the work day....It consumes me....It seems every day is a strugle to just survive. SORRY!!!do i recognise that slightly defiant, gleeful self-destructive streak (if you were referring to that at all) like "you think this is bad?????? i'lll show you baaaaddddddd, m*********!
you ain't seen nothing!"

still not the way to go --- but i recognise it. you should love yourself. especially your real self that's the God in you.

but meanwhile feel free to stomp around "STOMP STOMP STOMP" and go and kick the cat...

RRRREEEIAAAAAOWWW!!!!!!

(oops only joking. animal lovers out there

)

Do I need to come over there and straighten you out?

When I read Peita's first post I thought I was reading my own words.
I am where you were right now which is what has finally prompted me to go to a doctor. That has been a discouraging experience for me in the past. All they have ever done is prescribe anti depressants and I DO NOT need anti depressants. Of course I am depressed! My life has been a series of worthless attempts at being 'normal'. Of course I have anxiety, I never sleep! I am so tired of kidding myself. I don't even have intentions anymore. I know better so why bother.
This time I am going to a psycologist who will do an ADHD evaluation.
I just want some help. I'm trying not to have too high of hopes for the meds helping cause I don't think I could take the let down if they don't. In fact I'm trying not have any hopes of even being diagnosed, as I am not very good at expressing my feelings to a stranger. One thing is for sure...I won't know if I don't go. And my husband and kids are begging me to do something too so that is a good enough reason since I can't seem to do anything just for me.
Thanks for letting me vent....

I have many thoughts and no medication... but here goes! This might sound a bit pessimistic, but it isn't really.

Things fall apart periodically. Drama only makes it worse. It sucks, and its no big deal at the same time. Life gets better eventually. *Curls up on the couch until "really sucky time" blows over.*

Trying too hard is just as bad as giving up. It is possible to beat yourself up with coping mechanisms and call it progress. Nobody should be held hostage like that.

There's a difference between "need" and "expectation." I focus on my needs (job, housing, food, quality time w/people). Expectations are not needs. Refuse to do the expected things sometimes. (cleaning, shopping, cooking, expectations of other people)

Somehow we believe there is a terrible consequence for not vaccuuming or doing laundry. Am I going to be thrown in jail unless I clean out my car? Is somebody going to murder me in my sleep because I forgot something?

I think the only standard test is ability to pay. :-)

Seriously though there seems to be quite a few methods. I just got quizzed by a doc and a shrink for maybe an hour and a half total. Others go through grueling computer tests and all sorts of seemingly, to me, weird tests and other things.

There is a list of pretty standard criteria they look for I think. They found me ridiculously obvious as an ADHD poster child. He found it i think rather significant that I quit paying attention to him after a while :-)

(He had this print of a stone building with a blue wooden door and i carve stone and i was thinking if I only had the stones and a hundred years i would build a stone builing as ornate and emotional as a symphony - hard to pay attention while carving the truth in stone, ya know?)

Hi Peita,

Thanks for the advice. I am making notes (in word) to take to the doctor with me. Writing what I'm thinking has become a draining task for me. I have 5 journals with a page or 2 written on. In college I took advance English courses because I loved writing so much. It was difficult for me and I wouldn't get started until the night before it was due, but I got A's in every assignment. College, hmmm, never finished that either. Anyway...This forum has helped me to remember a lot of the things I would have not thought of to talk about, so I am grateful for finding so many out there like me.

Is there a 'standard' test for ADHD that they give? I'm hoping for something like that just so I don't have to come up with things on my own, (a guarantee that I will go blank) It may take me a long time to complete but sounds better than writing or just talking.

Thanks again, and I hope you are doing better too.

Hi Fran, well you're doing pretty good up to now

I think it was Glen who suggested that I write down what I wanted to say to the doctor on our first meeting so I had less stress on the day. It was the best advise I have recieved to date, I was no where near as anxious as I would have been and I didn't have to punish myself when I came out for not saying all the things I had planned to but forgotten.

You really sound like you understand so if it helped me it should by alrights help you. I write in a journal now too, that in itself is a big help too

Good luck Fran

Thankyou Glen. I havn't finished feeling sorry for myself yet but maybe I won't wallow for quite as long

Peita Luv,

You know that you are just in the pity phase. We all go through that - from "hey I can do bloody anything I set myself to!" down to "ah - nothing I ever do is right - it's doomed to fail from the start". You know this just as I do.

Take the control back. That won't take away from your free spirit or independence - rather give you more room to roam!

Where you are - I was. Now I am freer because of my meds and my therapy. Not saying you need either only that I know there is another way.

Philosophers have often said it's only when you see that life is truly meaningless in nature that you can then find meaning and purpose in it. Make sense? Took me a while to decipher that myself.

Remember a few truisms that may help you along your way. Tell yourself these things as they are true - and really self-evident when you think about it.

1) There is no built-in purpose to life. It is what you decide to make of it. Noone pulls the strings not even YOU.

2) The only human on the planet that honestly gives a sl*g about what you think or say is YOU. Everyone else is too busy scrambling about with that thing called living to give a care about what you just uttered. Any giggles or scowls are simple reflex action.

3) Life truly is chaos. Stop worrying so much about trying to control it so much!! It's like a scoop of vaseline in your hand - try to grasp it and it's gone! And messy too!! While you worry about keeping appointments there's probably an asteroid out there somewhere ready to mess up that perfect picnic you planned.

4) The true path to a happy life is thus: full belly, warm and dry body, sex in proper doses, hugs from someone that smells good. Everything else is fluff. Unless you are overly attached to that TV, stereo and going to every crappy movie and restaurant - cut that all back and chose something you love to work at even if you just get by!! Feed you and yours, pay the rent, get that nookie and hugging in and love your job!! Throw the TV out the window - and if BF is watching it and not supporting you throw him while you're at it!! There are other BF's between you and the great barrier reef. Lots of 'em. Some even work you know.

Live, love, grow. All else is madness.

Oh, and I love you. For what it's worth. And it's not so bad and I won't laugh at you unless you ask me to. Really.

I ran out of coke anyway

Getting smashed won't help...It can how ever make matters worse. Go to
the gym and work out....Call a friend.....have a cup of coffee...go for a
walk.....go to bed and pull the covers over your head...Don't get
smashed!!!

You are not alone! I'm here!!!That was really nice GregB. Thankyou

Depressed AND drunk always worked for me.

NOT!!!!!!!!
Hey Peita, I'm right there with ya! It seems when I'm up and happy, things are great, but when I'm not, I'm miserable. I went to my psychologist this week for the first time in 3 months. Therapy really helps and I got off course and seems like I went to hell in a hand basket! My problem is that I can't accept feeling down and it totally overwhelms me. I know everyone has good days and bad days but I have a really hard time accepting the bad ones. He told me that when something goes wrong just to embrace it, accept it, and it will pass. I just have a hard time with that. I bought a house 3 months ago, trying to fix it up the way I want it, but I just don't feel at home here yet and am beginning to wonder if I ever will. Then my sister and I, who have always been extremely close, got into a huge fight, one of my best friends who has been a recovering alcoholic for 13 years came to my house and was drinking again. It totally upset me and I couldn't accept the fight with my sister....and like totally fell apart! I guess I just have NO coping skills! Anyone else ever feel this way? Like you just don't ever want to be down? I mean I know that no one ever really wants to be down, but that's just life, and I need to learn how to cope. Any suggestions? BTW, I love you guys!Just when you think, you've got a handel on things, that
university wont ever be like school, you stand up at the
front and get humiliated for not knowing you're partner
had left the course, considering I should have been
working with them for it over the past few weeks. Then
you realise, you havn't changed a bit, nor have the
leacturers that like publicly make a mockery of you.

But we're still, here, fighting on, dignity severly
detached.

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I guess though,
we should feel a sense of achievment for scrapping
through all these times.

As a rule I'm usually optimistic but when I'm not I'm really NOT.

Thanks BP, but at the moment it doesn't seem as easy as that. I'm afraid I will fall back on old crutches if I keep on this track, but part of me doesn't care at the moment. I feel defiant, out of control to a certain degree.

Funny you should ask that IMac, I'm due my holidays in a few weeks.

I'm just so sick of having to struggle with everything. I can feel myself starting to slip.

I always wanted to be Peter Pan, never growing up and being able to fly. I do think we are forever young, if we dont get caught up in all the adult crap.

Peita,

I completely understand how you feel..I think all of us with ADHD get down about not being able to stay on top of things..but I wonder how many "normal" people are always with it ?

The ADHD isn't the "real you". It's the disorder (disability) that you have. It's what gets in the way of the real you but remember it also can be to your advantage...

You are probably a person who can focus REALLY well on things that interest you. You are probably a person who loves deeply (?) A person with lots of ideas (?) ..my point is...be you and don't worry so much....give yourself a break!

bepatient38804.0238657407By the way, Peita, I love your signature. In 1991 I heard Joan Baez sing Forever Young, live, at a small open air concert. It's been downhill ever since.

I am so sick of fighting this losing battle of a life. It seems I just get myself together so it can all fall in a heap if I let my guard down for even a millisecond. It would be far easier to just stay down instead of pretending I can be someone that I'm quite obviously not.

I'm not organised nor will I ever be.

I'm not smart enough to keep my mouth shut when people ask me for an honest answer.

I will always be late, even when I try not to be.

People will always see me as a likeable idiot who is fun to be around.

I will always keep my real self a secret. From everyone. If I dont like the real me, how can I expect anyone else to.

I dont want to be a responsible adult, I want to be spontanious, impulsive and loud. That is who I am at the core not from ADHD

I dont want to have to go to work everyday and look after people. That's all my life is, looking after other people. I'm tired, tired of never having time for myself.

The days are just not long enough and time just keeps moving on.

Peita, would you believe me if I told you it does get better? That's my point, it does get better. Then it all goes to sh*t again, so what's the point of busting your ass when it never stays 'better'.Well. when I feel like that about my job, I remind myself that problems mean job security.

You are probably close to my son's age so I have a few years on you. In time the pendulum stops swinging so far off center.

When's the last time you had a holiday?
[QUOTE=Reisa]

Expectations are not needs. Refuse to do the expected things sometimes. (cleaning, shopping, cooking, expectations of other people)

[/QUOTE]

YES!!!

I have been saying that for years. No one listens. Sometimes the unimportant things JUST DON'T MATTER. If you can't stand the smell then clean it up. If you can't make yourself care about the smell, then the smell isn't really the problem. Deal with the problem, the smell will go away as a consequence.

Peita, Now you get this! You are a Valued Person who has jumped in the deep end of the darkside.. that experience and your using it for others on the Board Family are important. Just think for a moment... what chances will you miss if you give in to the darkside...Well. all the "Good" things, fun things, "Love" hugs, kisses, Us bugging the hell outta ya.. Please Love U! Peita

I very rarely drink - maybe twice a year. However, I do remember once when depressed having a couple drinks, and it really relaxed me and helped me to feel everything. The next day, I had a bit of a headache (like I normally do when I drink) but I also felt ready to move forward. (I think it is only helpful if you are someone who has no real addictive tendencies toward alcohol.)

Ryan, I'm on my way back

Lunita, I do need a change, but i have been doing this job since I left school and don't have any expeirence with anything else. Moving up in my organisation is almost impossible unless you do a lot of brown nosing which I refuse to do.

Once my daughter goes to school next year, I'll be looking into doing further study. Until then I just have to bide my time and try to keep the right frame of mind. As you've read, I'm finding this a wee bit hard.

Thanks for your advice, it is appreciated

Hi Peita,

I am new to this forum, but old to ADD. I lost my job 2 weeks ago and it hit me hard. Now when I look at what happened, I can see a pattern. At the beginning, I am excited and everything is perfect. My enthusiasm makes me work better than rest, without effort. Then, after 3 years, there is routine, which brings incredible resistance for me to perform well. If there would be enough challenge, enough excitement, I would be "in the flow", but if not, I am out. I am less motivated, there is less encouragement, I am late for appointment, not prepared, look like an idiot because of magnificent underachievement. Then things go downward, every now and then I think I can stop this movement, but it is just temporary. And taking care of other people, calling people back, ...it becomes a big burdon. But, each time, there was a crisis at work, I ended up with something better. And that's what I am currently on.

Maybe you need to change your job and you would do much better in a higher position with more responsibility and less routine. Check if there are any courses you can take which enable you for a better position. REMEMBER: What you experience might be just a sign that this is not the right job for you. Look if there is any position you would want to work in your company, and use all your energy to get there. As soon as you have a goal, you are up and going. Think hard, what kind of work you would like to do, something you would enjoy, even if there was no need for you to work at all. And then, go there. When you are motivated and excited, you can prove of what you are really capable of and you know very well that you can do everything if you love what you are doing.

So, good luck to you! Take care, Lunita

Lunita38807.7327546296

This is the third attempt to post something. Life just keeps kicking me. Things are getting worse, not better.

I don't have the energy anymore, my fight is gone and I just want to collapse in a heap, pull a blanket over my head and never come out again.

I've cried all day, I look a mess and feel even worse.

After 12 years of service my work has decided for the fourth time this year to palm me off to another organisation within our organisation but they cant tell my when or what I'll be doing, what days I'll be working or even when I have to move and start all over again. I hurt my neck and shoulder holding a client who was having a siezure in the bath. So I saved her life and f**ked up my own.

I'm off to get totally smashed.

Sometimes that smell takes forever to go away though

A friend of mine taught me a very valuable lesson.

Your post does not fully tell the truth. You have made many statements that you aboslutely cannot prove correct. Let me rephrase your post so that it reflects the real, not imagined, truth..

"

...

I'm not organised... so far.

I'm not smart enough to keep my mouth shut when people ask me, so far...

I will always be late even when I try not to be, so far...

People see me as a likeable idiot who is fun to be around, so far...

I keep my real self a secret, so far.. "

Multitudes of ADDers have improved their lifes. These people were not smarter than you. These people did not have some sort of genetic predisposition that made them more able to improve their disposition.

Stop beating yourself up. Forgive yourself. Like yourself. No change happens over night but yet if you spend only minutes a day on fixing you're bad habits then you're doing better than 90% of the population.

Be patient. You're doing fine.