Naught I,
Sayeth I
Don't marry...
...be happy!
Just a hunch, and not really from actual experience, but it almost sounds as if your wife is jealous of your problem. Maybe she thinks it's taking too much attention away from her (pun intended).Well, your wife is right. It is all in your head. Its the ADHD in your head to be exact. You would be the expert of what goes on in your head - is she going to try and tell you that she knows more about what you think than you do?
What is she afraid will happen if you take meds? Or she takes meds for that matter. If one of you gets diabetes or a heart condition or something - what about those meds?
I really don't get her attitude. What is the point of unnecessary suffering? Even if she feels compelled to suffer through life without meds, she doesn't get to decide whether someone else suffers.
Good luck with the subtle plan - subtle is not something I understand very well. *grin*
If you have a doctor that has diagnosed you with ADD maybe it maybe a good idea to have your wife listen to a professional as well as yourself together. My husband has known I've had ADD since my daughter was diagnosed 2 years ago but I think he questioned it until he actually sat down with my psychologist and it was explained in detail to him. I think it finally became real to him then. Sometimes it takes hearing it from a professional to really hit home. Just an option I thought I'd mention as it helped for me. Dee lostmyshoe38809.5008333333Hi all, I'm in a bit of a sticky situation here and I'd appreciate any advice...
Quick background, I went to a psychiatrist last year because I realized that I had patterns of thoughts and behaviors that weren't changing. Basically, I had a fear of initmacy, avoided conflict, didn't express emotions and felt my life story was one of always starting things and never finishing. Plus, I'd had several panic attacks while driving.
General physical went well, but the psychiatrist diagnosed me as "dysthymic" and prescribed Prozac, then a host of other various meds, including Zyprexa and Wellbutrin to try. None seemed to have much effect. Told my wife about these and she was angry because, in her words, "you're not depressed!"
It was a co-worker who lent me Hallowell's book "Delivered from DIstraction." I read this and it was eerie - I thought I was reading a description of myself. Suddenly everything started to make sense. Now I understood why I would walk away from her when she was talking and not be aware of it, why she was always pointing out that I didn't listen to her, why I was constantly irritable, etc.
I got a prescription for Ritalin and the change was immediate. I could focus on work, didn't check out of converstions like before, wasn't overwhelmed by the kids, had a generally sunnier disposition, etc. I even went to a different psychiatrist to get a 2nd opinion.
Here's the rub - my wife doesn't think I have ADD and would hit the roof if she knew I was taking medication. What can I do to talk to her about this? I feel otherwise I'm being fundamentally dishonest.
Yuck.
I have a lot of smart mouth responses that aren't likely to be very constructive...on second thought... oops...sarcasm...sigh
I am sorry, that sucks. And I dumped the only person I ever dated with that kind of attitude.
How about taking her with you to your next psychiatrist appointment? A good pdoc is usually pretty good at straightening out family members and answering their questions.
Wish I could be more helpful. Good luck, keep us posted.
Trust is pretty important in a relationship, so I would go with telling. But I know that some people want to avoid the conflict and so they have the attitude that if someone doesn't know about it, it isn't going to hurt them. I think it hurts more in the long run.
Maybe you could read the book together. She will probably notice things in Delivered From Distraction that seem so much like you that she will understand.
I know that my ex husband would have been glad to know that the things I did were for a reason, not just because I was stupid or uncaring.
I think that my ADD contributed a lot to my failed marriage. There were things that I just couldn't do and I could sense that, but had no clue how to change it.
sorry to ramble on
I'd just not tell, but I got a few trust issues in this area. Of course when I DID tell my wife she says "I've been telling you you're add for years."Thanks for all your feedback.
Yes my wife does have issues she is dealing with, such as the stress of raising 4 kids, possible depression, and an ADD husband.
I spoke to the psychiatrist about how to broach this with her. He said it is a common situation. He thought a good idea would be to get her to read a book about it. She would invariably see me all over it and then we could discuss it further.
FYI, I have broached this topic with her in the past. First I showed her the results of the tests (I was off the charts, near the top no matter which test it was), then I tried to engage her in a conversation about it.
She is very dismissive and acts as if it is all in my "head." I thought she might be right, so I went out and got a second opinion -same diagnosis. Bot from MD psychiatrists, the 2nd one who specializes in treating ADHD. She is alos dead-set against medication - both for herself and me. For example, she suffers from insomnia, but wouldn't mention this to her regular doc at her latest check-up.
So bottom line: my fear is that if I bring it up she'll get angry and start issuing ultimatums ("don't take any medication."). So I'm trying to devise a more subtle, and hopefully, succesful plan.
Does your wife have problems of her own? Do you fear being attacked? I used to hold things back from telling my husband, because I knew he would freak out and then I would not only have my own emotions to deal with, but his freak out as well. I would wait to tell him until I had it under control for myself.
For myself, I think this is too big of a secret to hold to yourself. I think the idea of having her come to your doc with you is a good one. You could tell her you have something important to discuss and you need her to come and you need her support. Have the books on hand for afterward. How can your marriage be close and grow if you can't tell her a major struggle you are having and get her support through it? I would be so upset if my husband were diagnosed with ANYTHING and on meds for it and he didn't/couldn't tell me. I want to support him and help. That is what partners are for.
I had to punch a hole in the wall before my wife stopped yelling about our money problems and listened to me telling her that the ADHD WAS our money problems. She really didn't believ me at first, though later said that she has told me I had ADD before.I am the wife of someone who was recently diagnosed with ADD. My advice is be very honest, upfront with her and include her in your next psychiatrist's visit. Hopefully you have a good psychiatrist that understands that ADD is a "family" diagnosis and that family members should be a "part" of your on-going treatment.
Also I read "Delivered From Distraction" and as a spouse of someone with ADD, it rang SO true about my husband. I am pretty sure if your wife reads it she will feel that too. I could not put the book down but then again I love reading. It really helped me understand his behaviors and what he is going through.
So, anyway, my advice is get her involved, over communicate, get her to go to your doctor with you.
Be honest. Give her some information, have her call your DR.I'm new here but will offer my two cents on this issue and how I'm dealing it with this in my own relationship.
Someone once told me, before you sleep with anyone else you need to learn to sleep by yourself.
How that applies to my own situation is, before I can tell my partner and expect support, I have to learn to deal with it first.
some people have the luxury of that "unconditional love" component of the relationship. Some are not so lucky.
I guess we need to try to work out our own plan of dealing with this and progress in some way and then when we are ready to let them in and tell them, it will happen in a natural way.
It's tough to hold secrets but don't think of it as a secret, deal with it as a problem that you are primarily responsible for....and give yourself appropiate time to deal with it
Good luck.
I find that I often imagine the outcome of "dissapointing" my friends and loved ones to be far worse than the really are.