Hi all,
I have a relationship with a man with ADHD for several years without knowing it. I have been following him in several countries and it seems to be a pattern for us to leave (or escape) a situation (or countries) for another, but actually we are going into circles. things seems to remain the same.
Is the instability, is one of the patterns of a ADHD ? We have a very difficult relationship as it is hard for both to understand each other. Since I know that he has the ADHD, I try to know more about it and to cope to accept him the way he is... But is it an excuse for everything ?
Your advices would be helpfull.
nouk, you don't give us to much information to go on. First off NO ADHD is not an excuse for everything. Is he taking any medication, natural dietary supplements, changing his eating habits or getting any kind of therapy? If the answer is no then he isn't trying to help himself deal with his condition. A lot of ADHD people tend to get bored with things very easily and move on to other situations in jobs, relationships and I guess in your case countries. So the answer to your first questions is yes this is a symptom of the disorder. That does not mean that he should not try to help himself. Talk to him about what he is doing to overcome the ADHD. If he doesn't want to help himself you won't be able to help him either. Take care of yourself first. -Gettingagrip-
Thanks for your reply, He doesn't take any medecines or see any therapyst. I've learned that he has this disorder by his family... I guess he used to take medecines before when he was a teenager and helped by a therapist and family to actually think that he's a worthy person.
At the moment, we are appart and I think he tries to sort things out on his own. He used to change jobs a lot, countries, has many girlfriends in the past before meeting me. I know he's trying to stabilise, but he just don't know how...
is TALKING one of a remedy for that ? I always found a reason why we moved countries and why he changes jobs so many times, and actually never knew that was an ADHD.
Many thanks for your support
Is he hopping countries due to criminal activities? Or just searching for a "Geographical Cure" to all his problems.
If it is the first - Get off that train yourself and make something of your life, even if it means just staying in one place, getting a job, somewhere to live, a flower bed (whatever).
If it is the latter - there is no such thing as a "Geographical Cure" - his problems will follow.
Personally, I would not tolerate this behaviour from any partner, adhd or not. No adhd is not an excuse to jump around the world or be unstable. We may feel like running away alot but we still can choose to make the right decision and get help if we are not coping ourselves. I have not been on meds much throughout my life, yet I have been in the one house fo 5 years, have 4 kids, and do the life routine everyday. I stuff up a lot, but then I try to fix my stuff ups.
It sounds like your boyfriend is either more than adhd (major behaviour problems) or he is just a plain looser. You may love him, but you have to put your foot down and decide to stay put (for your own sake), even if he decides to keep going on.
What matters to you - should be you! Or are you going to just give up all your choices in favour of what he wants. Because trust me, he does not sound like he is considering your well being at all.
It really upsets me that people allow their hearts to ruin their lives. I have done the same thing throughout my own life, and once I decided to trust that I do have enough brains to make decisions for myself and not follow and support my partners, then my life changed and I gained more control.
ADD can cause many problems on the job. Many people who have suffered from ADD without knowing it (never having been diagnosed) have spent many years digging themselves into a hole with an employer and then moving on before being asked to leave (this was a pattern with me despite what appeared to be a fairly successful career, I was always one step ahead).
But if a person knows they have ADD and chooses to do nothing about it, then the consequences are their fault.
I do not believe anyone with ADD can "sort it out" on thier own. If he is not seeing a doctor he is not trying to get better. If ADD is the cause of his lack of stability, it is unlikely to improve without treatment.
If he really wants to get better, he should be in therapy or at least recieving some type of treatment (medications or coaching).
You mentioned moving to different countries. If he has some type of government job requiring a high security clearance, he may be reluctant to go to a therapist (I had a friend in the CIA and that would have been a career ender for him). If that is the case, to get better he may need to think about a career change.
But when someone knows they have a problem like ADD and does nothing about it, that is a real problem.
Just my opinion.
Now, he seemed to find his "home country" where he can feel good. I think somehow he tried in several countries for a geographical cure, and to escape the routine. If things seems to be so complicated it is because of the ADHD (now-I know), but also due to a different culture, the language... so we do missinterpret and missunderstand each other.
I lost a lot of my confidence in the past, but now as beeing appart, I am questionning myself of what I have done wrong and what I haven't, in which way I can change, and actually know that we are reponsible for any decision we make. But as long as I do not know much about ADHD, I couldn't help him or try to understand him. Hopefully he will be open for this kind of talk and maybe accept the fact that he's a ADHD and needs help.
He knows the pains he causes to us, and vice versa (I am not that easy too ), I think he will get there step by step (his son can be a cure ?)... beeing such a clever person, how can't we be open for a change of our character ? He's certainly a person who wants equality in a couple, freedom and space for each other.
Maybe do I seem innocent or stupid, but I believe that having a son changed his life, his way of thinking, and he is more conscious about his responsability. He really wanted to stabilise and be with me, but it scared me to suffer again (I wasn't in my best period) so I think f**ked up everything (?). Now I am more confident and I want live a family life with him.
It's not too bad to live with an ADHD ? maybe a bit more difficult than a normal relationship but I think we need more compassion and understanding...As long as life goes on, there's hope... hope for a change. This hope helps us to take actions.
If people change their way of thinking, we can change the world...