kinda weird question... | ADHD Information
i hate the fact i often think my mother worries about "where she went wrong" and blames herself...at least now i have a diagnosis of ADD - i can reassure her it's genetic (and from my father too!); it's not your fault; you didn't do anything wrong. it's just the way i am. i am trying to be better (without the meds) but failing --- as ADDers have an excellent habit of failing and then failing again and failing again ad infinitum as it goes.
but it is hard. it's funny because i don't think i mind my life that much --- i mind it a lot more because i know how painful it is for my family to see me, as they think, so unsettled, so unsuccessful, so incapable of managing my finances (and, of course, i will fall back on them sometimes just like a child!).
i would love to be able to reassure my mother that "she didn't go wrong" but i can't think of any other way to do that - than become successful and i don't seem to be capable of that!
it's all so stupid - we try so hard for each other. my mother worrying about me - me worrying about my mother worrying about me! how ridiculous and tragi-comic it all is!
Yes I would be upset for them, because I want the best for ALL my children, disorders or no disorders. I want my children to have happy, healthy, thriving adult lives. For THEM, not for me.
Yes I would blame myself to an extent, I do that even now, even though my head knows better, my heart can't seem to understand my knowledge.
Yes I would encourage. I would hope to always do that, with all my children.
Embarrassed, hmm.....embarrassed perhaps by what they may do, but not by who they are. When I get calls from the school that my son has threatened a child, I'm embarrassed by that act, not "of my son", but by the act. I would imagine that would hold true through his entire life. That would go with all my children though, again not just my child that has a disorder. I wouldn't be embarrased because my children don't run for president though, or didn't get the jobs I hope they get, etc. I just want them to be happy, well adjusted adults. Stay out of prison and jail, off drugs, don't intentionally hurt people, I"ll be proud :).
Do I give up at 18, no way. I'm always a mother. Does that mean I will necessarily let any of my kids live with me at that age if I feel like I am somehow enabling them to continue on a bad path, nope. But would I throw them out the door, and say thanks for 18 years, so glad to be done with this one....never!
ditto ladym!
lisa
xoxo
First, I would like to say as a woman nearing fifty that it is common for a child to feel like s/he has been an embarrassment or a disappointment to his/her family. Our first social group is our family, and for many of us, it remains our primary social group our entire lives. It is a basic human desire to want to fit in and be accepted, and we struggle to fit into our families, just as we struggle to fit into greater society. Fitting into one's family can be difficult, however, because we are with these people all our lives, through all of our changing, through all of our trials, through all of our accomplishments, and through all of our failures. If we stay close to our families, they see everything and know many of our secrets, and that's a vulnerable position for anyone to be in.
Second, being a parent isn't easy. I think there's a natural tendency to want the best for our children and not to see them make mistakes that will upset their lives, but life isn't that way. Everyone makes mistakes, some of which are huge, and all one can do is try to learn something positive from these mistakes, then move on. Watching our children make mistakes can be as painful as making the mistakes ourselves, but I think it's one of our primary jobs as a parent to realize that making mistakes is human and that our children must experience the human experience, no matter how painful it is for us to watch.
Third, because I believe the above, I don't think there is much my son could do that would embarrass me and make me want to give up on him. Even if he committed a hideous crime, I hope I would be one of those mothers who still went to visit him in prison on Sundays. I can't say for sure that I would be, but I hope so. 
would you think: well, we did the best we could. cut it loose. we can't continue to mother this child/constantly worry about it/have the stress etc. etc. they will find their way if we force them to grow up?
would you feel aggrieved or angry?
would you feel upset for them?
would you feel somewhere you were to blame (although that is entirely untrue)?
would you stay with them and continue encouraging them - no matter what?
would you feel embarrassed by them?
would you think thank **** he/she's turned 18 and not my problem any more!
or what?
as an ADDer child (and one who feels somewhere to have been a constant let-down and entirely guilty and sick about not being able to give my mother something to be proud of - in fact, the opposite - a source of embarrassment and, i'm sure. a sort of 'hope' that I won't be brought up as a subject of conversation by her friends in that sorta gleeful "oh dear - such a shame! still hasn't managed to get it together - and she had such potential as a child with that IQ!") i would be interested to know how you would feel about having a screw up ADDer 'adult' kid....
just to try to give me some perspective. thanks
chjones38806.3748611111
we can't continue to mother this child/constantly worry about it/have the stress etc. etc. they will find their way if we force them to grow up? Mothering him is going to be my job 'till the day I die. I just hope that he will be my friend as an adult.
would you feel aggrieved or angry? Yeah, i think so.
would you feel upset for them? Partly, I think i would look at it as if he is capable of much more than he is doing. and I would be aggravated that he is not living up to his full potential
would you feel somewhere you were to blame (although that is entirely untrue)? All "good" parents feel at blame no matter what problems our kids have. but mine is 8.
would you stay with them and continue encouraging them - no matter what? Yes! And on those days that my ds would be especially "off key" i would Find a reason to praise him. Positive reinforcement is a key that will help people succeed at any age. For every negative, I find a positive, too. Even if it's that he didn't run in the house or that he put the toilet lid down.
would you feel embarrassed by them? I don't know about this one. I don't think so, but my ds embarrasses me now, I'm sure it will happen when he is older
would you think thank **** he/she's turned 18 and not my problem any more! I don't look at my son as a problem, I just look at him as a work in progress. But remember my boy is only 8, ask me in ten years. lol I will always support him emotionally and mentally, God help me if I have to support him financially, well *God help him*. he will have to work for it after he is out of school.
would you think: well, we did the best we could. cut it loose. we can't continue to mother this child/constantly worry about it/have the stress etc. etc. they will find their way if we force them to grow up?
It is difficult to know what my reactions might be in a few years. It has been a tremendous mental, physical and emotional investment. All along I have worked at small goals of independence and responsiblity for adhd ds.
With non add dd we have thought, "we have done the best we could, she has a good head on her shoulders and we trust she will make good choices." It has definitely been less stressful having dd far away at college so that I don't know what she is doing, than having her under my roof knowing and stressing. Far away, there is not much I can do.
adhd ds (grade 11) has gone away for different programs and been able to manage his meds (big issue at home). We are sending him to a month long program at a college this summer to practice independence and try out college far from home. (opposite coast)
would you feel aggrieved or angry?
DK
would you feel upset for them?
Depends what the issue is. I think adhd is in our family and I have been witness to the continual strife that still occurs between my mom and sister (this has been going on for almost 60yrs!)
would you feel somewhere you were to blame (although that is entirely untrue)?
I don't know. I've always done the best I could do given the circumstances at the time.
would you stay with them and continue encouraging them - no matter what?
Absolutely. I would do this for any friend, so why not my children?
would you feel embarrassed by them?
I have never been yet and I hope I won't be. I have always encouraged them to follow their heart and not to worry about the public image. (maybe I'm just a product of the '60s)
would you think thank **** he/she's turned 18 and not my problem any more!
or what?
Definitely not! Chronological age does not determine age to separate. Growing up takes a long time. Is it not a life long process? My dd, non add very bright, competent and independent, once said, "Please remember that alough I am an adult, I am just 18/19 years old and welcome your advice." Separate and advise if asked.
Add coaching may relieve the parent of some of the responsiblity which is felt. We started coaching and although ds doesn't seem to think he needs it, I find that I am more relaxed. I also figure he may feel more comfortable discussing some issues that may come up with a non parent male coach (ds says he's a really nice guy).
I would feel sad and partially to blame, even though I would hope that i knew I had tried everything. I would hope I would be able to keep encouraging him/her in whatever good choices they make. My children are still young, 8&9, so this is kinda hard to picture. One of my goals with my son is that he makes to 18 without being involved in the juvenile system as I was almost, and lots of my friends were. What I want most for both of my kids, 1 adhd 1 not, is for them to make better decisions than I. I am now 29 and going to college for the first time. It would have been easier if I had done this 11 yrs ago. By the time I am done, I will hopefully be paying for them to go to college soon. On some days I do not even want to think about what the future holds, and on other days I think it will be great.
Have you talked to your mother about the way you feel? That you think she is disappointed by you and wonders where she went wrong? That you worry about worrying her?
we did talk about it a little - when i first got my diagnosis of ADD. and Mum went and bought the book Driven to Distraction and read it all etc. etc. and offered to be my 'counselor' as she is very supportive but i don't think it would have worked as it goes so i said 'no'.she worries for me. i worry for me and her... and it is a sort of impasse! until i can either change who i am or change my circumstances to be more acceptable even remaining who i am.
my eldest sister is very successful (in fact as it goes on her way to Buckingham Palace today hahaha! can you believe it?) so that takes a lot of the pressure off me in some ways. and i am very grateful for that - thank goodness i am not an only child! so, that really helps! a lot. an awful lot - but only temporarily and then my mother goes back to worrying about me again. and it seems to be nothing either of us can help or stop...
one day, one day ---
I probably would feel all of the above, albeit at different times (heck, I joke now about how I'm going to change the locks when he turns 18). I know I would also be proud of him, because I am proud of him now, even when he aggravates, frustrates and disappoints. He only does those things sometimes. He's always kind, creative and funny.
ch, how your mother sees you and what she thinks isn't caused just by you. It caused by her, too. My mil constantly belittles my husband. Not because he's a failure (he's not) but because she's got issues. I have to remind him that he's not the reason she's critical.
You're YOU! That's the most important thing you can be.
I would feel guilty and wonder if there was more I could do. However, I would never turn my back on my son. He is an only child and I am a single mom so we have a very close relationship. He is my life. I would never stop trying to help him as long as he is doing the best he can. If he stops doing the best he can do, he will have to deal with the wrath of mom.
My love for him is unconditional. It doesn't depend on his success. Tough question.
Heavy sigh. When my son was young and out of control.. he was embarrassing and I was under so much peer pressure. As he got older, he got better and I finally grew up and realized it doesn't matter what everyone else thinks about my parenting... they aren't raising my child and they don't live with him.
Anyway.... My son has an IQ of 138, His academic future is wide open and he could go on to be any number of incredibly rich and succesfull careers. BUT, if he chose to fix air conditioners like his Dad... I would be so proud anyway. Someone has to fix the things we create and someone has to pick up the garbage. Success shouldn't be determined by how much money you earned.. it should be determined by what you contributed to society and whether or not you were satisfied with that.
My children can live me as long as they want. I figure by the time I am 46, my oldest will 21 and my youngest 17. My life will be mostly my own by then and I will move from parent to friend. They can live with me and pay appropriate rent untill they are mature enough to do it on their own. That is 10 years from now. :)
What I expect from my both my son's. No crime, no drugs, no abuse, a job that earns them enough to live on comfortably that they are happy with and a circle of good friends. Happy, healthy and well adjusted.
There are days that I don't think Todd will get that far, but there are way more days when I see and realize that he allready 1/2 way there and he will truly be fine.
And yes, how they turn out is a direct reflection on me as a parent. I will be guilty, even when I shouldn't be. :)
I am having a very hard time with my dd right now. It's a long story but she wants to move out and she's only 17. I'm not at all sure what to do to help her.
[QUOTE=chjones] but i'm interested in your views. even with all the help you currently giving your children, if they do end up a total screw up somewhere and unable to cope well with life, make the right friends/get the right job or any job... --- what would your reaction be?
would you think: well, we did the best we could. cut it loose. we can't continue to mother this child/constantly worry about it/have the stress etc. etc. they will find their way if we force them to grow up? Cut her loose? That's what she wants and I can not. My fear is that she will have an extremely difficult time in life/in the world. She seems determined to learn everything the hard. She's in for a lot of pain.
would you feel aggrieved or angry? No
would you feel upset for them? Yes I am upset because I know it doesn't have to be this way for her. She has so much potential. It is breaking my heart and I pray she figures out how to harness her talents and energy and make them work for her instead of causing her pain and disappointment.
would you feel somewhere you were to blame (although that is entirely untrue)? Yes I can't help but wonder what I did wrong. I have tried and tried but it's never enough.
would you stay with them and continue encouraging them - no matter what? Yes, she may be ready to walk away from me but I have told her that I will always be here for her. It doesn't matter what she's done or whats happened I will always love her. I may not like what she's done but my love and support of her will always be here.
would you feel embarrassed by them? Embarrassed by her no, maybe for her. I am and always have been very proud of her. She's an amazing kid. I only want her to realize it.
would you think thank **** he/she's turned 18 and not my problem any more! No. I hope one day to be her friend and maybe things will be easier then. I really hope.
or what?
as an ADDer child (and one who feels somewhere to have been a constant let-down and entirely guilty and sick about not being able to give my mother something to be proud of - in fact, the opposite - a source of embarrassment and, i'm sure. a sort of 'hope' that I won't be brought up as a subject of conversation by her friends in that sorta gleeful "oh dear - such a shame! still hasn't managed to get it together - and she had such potential as a child with that IQ!") i would be interested to know how you would feel about having a screw up ADDer 'adult' kid....
just to try to give me some perspective. thanks
[/QUOTE]
you all sound as if you have fairly honest expectations ---
i think coming from my family that has a history of extremely high academic ability. my cousins are mathematicians and nuclear scientists and all in the top of their fields etc. etc. and seeing as i started with a high IQ the problem is more that i never fulfilled that early potential. and perhaps i feel the weight of that expectation or something. i'm not sure.
it is all a bit tricky. and of course i WON'T medicate myself. that may be the issue too - if your children are medicated and happily so, you can't accuse them of wilfully self-sabotaging their life!
i think my mother just wants me to be happy. simple like that. but i can't make that happen......!!!!!!! i am happily unhappy or unhappily happy or something. who knows.
but thanks for all the responses!
cj
[QUOTE=IMac]chjones, was life easier for you when you were taking meds? [/QUOTE]
hello IMac --- sometimes i miss posts and all from going away and then come back to them at random times - like now.
in fact, i have never taken meds... but i have had a period in my life (a brief two months or so - when for some reason i still cannot fathom my ADD disappeared. just like that. i wasn't in the UK at the time and i was being extremely careful about what i was eating plus i was filming and the work was going very well, the crew and cast all got along like a house on fire and the director was great...
but up until that point - i hadn't realised i had ADD. when it went, just disappeared for those two months suddenly, suddenly i realised what it was to be normal. unbelievable. absolutely unbelievable. i realised straight away (suddenly) that this is what most people have (suddenly) i understood. i keep on using the word suddenly but it was like that --- it was like suddenly understanding..... everything!
all sorts of things fell into place - why the fog cleared, i still have no clue. no clue at all. no clue. perhaps finally i was doing the right thing at the right time? perhaps eating less bread and dairy or getting right away from manufactured food products was helping? perhaps it was the change in the environment --- i just don't know. i still don't know. but that moment of clarification of suddenly being able to see things entirely differently that i had --- and pretty much that is how i suddenly KNEW or i would never have bothered to research more into it.
later, after that period, i was prescribed painkillers (percocet) and that was an equally interesting reaction (although not quite the same as the above) --- everything seemed SO SIMPLE on the percocet. sometimes, for some reason, it can seem a Herculean effort simply to go out and get a pint of milk. it takes a force of will akin to running into a burning building (at least that is what it feels like in terms of the resistance the idea engenders). i literally have to use every trick in the book to the point of practically bashing myself on the head or causing some sort of physical pain in order to overcome that resistance and get out and get ON and get that sodding pint of milk!!!
with the percocet --- that was all GONE. you simply got up, walked down the street and got the pint of milk. what was the big deal? no big deal! no nothing! life was so simple it was practically mundane.
so those are the two periods in my life (both happened in the last four years) that i have not been ADD. it is possible that i wasn't ADD before the age of 5 because i can't remember anything before that time....
but other than that - i have been ADD my entire life (minus two months or so and the ten days on the percocet).
that's it.
so life has always been pretty much the same - to answer your question. would life be easier if i were on the meds! without doubt i think the answer is YES!!!!!
but at what cost........................................................ ..........
that is my issue - in a nutshell. i won't give up the benefits of my ADD and i do think the negatives are the flip side of the positives so get rid of one and you get rid of the other too.
chjones38827.4188310185I want happy kids who are doing what makes them happy. I also want them learning life skills that will help them in life as well. I have taught them those. If they do a trade school instead of college that is fine also. Ij just want them to be able to care for them selves in adulthood. I would never get embarassed by my son.If somebody makes a comment on his behavior I usually turn into a tigress mama!I don't think he will never disappoint me either as I love him unconditionally and accept him as he is.I think the only way kids learn well, is by making mistakes. I'd rather they learn as many life lessons at home, so they are more prepared when they get out on there own. My son is 15, and yes I worry about all the things that you've mentioned. If he is a reasonable young man he is always welcome in our home, when he's not, he's out and I will support him as much as possible, other than with money. I would happily help him in any way I could so he could be as successful as possible: provide therapy if he wanted it, tutors, life skills coarses etc. I would help him manage his money if he asked. I will still love him no matter what. I will not accept the blame for his bad choices, because they are his choices. I believe I've done everything I can to get this child moving in the right direction, and accept differences in people. I'm rarely embarrassed by him, because I accept him the way he is, not that he's not aggravating, and sometimes I wish he could function better. He will not get a free ride from me. He will be provided an education. I will not feel guilty, but sad for him if he cannot cope well once he's on his own.My "child," no matter what her/his age, will remain my "child" until the day I die. If her/his life does not turn out to be a vision of what a parent would hope for a child, I will always be there for her/him, to help assist, guide, support and love. I will not blindly stand by in approval if she/he abuses drugs/alcohol, steals, cheats, kills etc. I will expect, with tears in my eyes and heavy hurt in my heart, her/him to suffer whatever the consequences may be for their choices made, while never stopping to love them, no matter what. A mother is forever.