self-esteem | ADHD Information

I'm my own worst critic...I found a book that was helpful to me. It's called
"what to say when you talk to yourself" I can't remember the author.

I'm working on the self esteem. Having low to non-exsistance self
esteem has made life a real challange. To look at me one thinks wow she
has it all together...but looks can be deceiving........I know that I always feel better about myself when I exercise.  I also have family members relying upon me for a lot of different things, so I have to remind myself when I have had all I can handle, when to say "no", and when to take time for myself. 

 

As someone who has been dealing with the add for a little while, it seems that there are at least a couple of things to overcome.

The first involves figuring out how to adapt to the world, and make things start to "work."  The second involves dealing with self-esteem, being my own best friend, etc. 

So, besides being "good" to ourselves, how do we really improve our self-esteem? 

 

 

I think my battle with this issue is trying to form my personal ideas of success or lack of it with my own values and not of the dominant forces of a society that has dozens of famous supermodels but few famous poets.

(I just thought of the supermodel/poet thing recently, I really like it.)

I am repeating myself often about this theme. I'm thinking if I say it enough it will finally get said the way I want it to be said with the meaning I want.

The day I grew up most and became most subject to depression is the day I finally had a hint that a lot of people really ARE so shallow and uninformed, like little illiterate cash sniffing monkeys.

I don't want to sound too slef important here though, I am totally open to the idea that I am just a human-hating misfit with a misplaced sense of some sort of "superior" sensability.

But this is how I see it. People expect me to fit into the world? I'm not even in their world anymore.
I find that being around positive and supportive people helps me with my low self-esteem and also counseling.  This is something that I have been dealing with my whole life.  My grade school years were basically years of fear, anger and tears.  I was picked on relentlessly by a small group of really cruel girls and it has taken me years to gain some self-esteem.  By High School I had finally learned about social cues and how to relate to my peers better but the damage to my self-image was pretty severe and even now there are times in my life that I am overwhelmed by self-doubt.  When I make mistakes at work it still takes me a little longer then it should to get over it.  I am also embarrassed and feel stupid very easily and I still care too much if people like me.

I did at one time a few years ago actually step up to the plate and sang solo at my church, but I wound up quitting because I kept seeing the women in the congregation that had picked on me as a child.  Some of them still live in my community.  I would get to the point of feeling physically sick before I had to sing. I sounded ok, but not as good as I could of sounded had I had more confidence in myself and my ability to sing.  I am still being asked to cantor again because they really seem to like how I sing but I just can't get past the fear.  They just asked me again this past weekend.  It's interesting that you happened to post this topic because it is an issue I am currently dealing with.  I love so much to sing but my low self-esteem inhibits me from using my voice to it's full potential when I sing solo.  This is an area I continually have to work hard on.  

I think I need to look up some books and do some reading.  I am also going to bring this up to my counselor this week.  I really want to help out my church but I am so scared of screwing up.   I'm hoping my counselor can give me some good support and advice on this too and thank goodness for this forum and the kind people here.  My heart goes out to anyone else that deals with this.   Dee

lostmyshoe38810.5487037037

 

LTC1 -  I went to the bookstore looking for the book you suggested but it wasn't there.  I ended up bringing a couple of others from "that section" of the book store.  They look practical so I'll give them a try.

Low self-esteem is a horrible thing.  It has had the potential to block myself from being happy, from being "myself," from even trying at times,  and also from even hearing people trying to be helpful.  (Not everyone cares to be helpful but some people try to be somewhat helpful and low self-esteem can really help to block them from approach.)

I'm just starting to learn more about this really but I found one paragraph in an article that I'm quoting below. 

"Shame; the sense that we are unworthy, basically flawed and defective, "not good enough," grows from the repeated breaking of the relationship "bridge" between us and others when we are rejected, criticized, or demeaned for the expression of our human wants, needs, and feelings. We not only learn shame, we learn to feel secondary shame -- "feeling shame about our shame."

Don't talk, don't trust, don't feel."

Of course, not everything people do or express deserves to be honored or acknowledged, including not everything I have done or expressed.  I know that.  However, I think low self-esteem and shame often come from a feeling of being at the core - not worthy and not capable of becoming valuable. 

I think those of with add may have more of a tendency toward feelings of low self-esteem, depression and shame, particularly if we lived undiagnosed and/or unaccepting of our condition for most of ours lives. 

 

TheDog38810.4693865741Shoe, have you tried imagining the ladies in the congregation with no clothes on when you sing?
Is this what they mean by cognitive behaviour therapy? Very good advice, Dabonbon. Negative self-talk is often a habit and can be unlearned.

Unfortunately, someone in a clinical depression can't just change the behaviour and becomes more upset with themselves when they can't. If someone is chronically negative it could be a sign of depression and the right medication really helps. I believe it is very important to be cognizant of our self-talk. I if catch myself thinking I'm stupid, etc., I try to immediately counter that negative and UNTRUE thought with something positive. I also tell myself something good about myself as soon as I look in the mirror the first time in the morning. Oh boy, do the words Co-Dependant hit home.  Wrapped around my Mother's pinky for years.  Finally broke away after I lost my Dad.  Strange way for it to happen but that's how it did.  Still close to my Mom, but finally in a healthy way.  I don't feel like I have to have her approval anymore when making decisions. The low self-esteem comes from my younger years of having ADD and not being able to relate well with my peers and also my parents being hard on me because they didn't understand me.  I am still doing damage control. 

Over the years I have learned how to relate well to most people and make friends easily but I still have sticky spots and one of those is the standing alone in front of a group of people to sing.  Speaking in front of people actually isn't quite as hard for me now that I've sung solo. It's interesting how one thing can become easier once you do something harder.  I am pretty much comfortable singing in front of my choir.  They have all heard my voice.  It took me years to be able to sing loudly in front of them but now I can.  So I guess that's a milestone for me.  I am seeing so many great books that I know I can learn a lot from.  Thank you for the advice and the vote of confidence.  I appreciate it so much.   Dee

 

Lost - You can sing.  Wow.  I have always wished that I could sing.  One of the reasons I don't go to church that often is actually because I am near the opposite end of the spectrum - can't even sing really, really softly and sort of get by.  Although, I do love music and often sing in my car when alone.  I hope you'll go back and do your solo, but I do know that kind of thing can be really hard.

The books I got from the bookstore are these:

How to Stubbornly Refuse to Make Yourself Miserable About Anything, by Albert Ellis  (This one looks very rational, and might be good for thinking/understanding things.)

Ten Days to Self-Esteem, by David D Burns, M.D. (This one is sort of a workbook.  Looks like it will be very practical.)

Saying Yes To Life (Even the Hard Parts), by Ezra Bayda  (This one looks like a lighter read - and sort of glimmers over many ideas.)

Anyway, I plan to take my time through the three books - but, who knows.  If anyone else wants to read any of them or other books on the topic, it would be interesting to me to read about your impressions.

TheDog, the book titles sound interesting. People who are depressed will get really down on themselves. A close relative started beating herself up for every little thing she'd ever done in her life. I think it has something to do with a chemical imbalance. She couldn't help herself and there was no way we could reassure her or change her mind.  Dog, 

When I get a chance I think I'm going to check out some of those books.  I have my bouts of doubts but I always seem to be able to pick myself up, dust myself off and start all over.  I try to remember that every day is a new day.  I had alot of damage done to my self-esteem as a child and that takes time to overcome and I've come a long way from where I was.  I've got some real positive friends that are a great influence too, including the kind people here and when I'm around them it's hard to stay blue :).  Thanks for the book ideas.  I hope they help you too.  Dee
P.S. MAC, tried the naked audience thing, didn't work, at least not yet :)  Maybe I'll try it again one of these days when I get up the courage to try soloing again.

[QUOTE=IMac]TheDog, the book titles sound interesting. People who are depressed will get really down on themselves. A close relative started beating herself up for every little thing she'd ever done in her life. I think it has something to do with a chemical imbalance. She couldn't help herself and there was no way we could reassure her or change her mind.  [/QUOTE]

 

I tend to think that most of these kinds of problems can be treated with a combination of tactics.  Sometimes people need medication but I think there are more ways to treat problems most of the time, and there are layers of the onion. 

For example, I don't currently take antidepresants and I'm not currently engaged in counseling, and my self-esteem is at least ten times better than it was five years ago.  But, now it seems that I've established myself at this level and while that was good enough for a while.  Now, I realize it's still a problem that needs to improve further.  I am choosing to reattack to get to the next layer of the onion.   

In addition to exercising and starting to get by in my life ok, I'm the kind of person that needs to think through and understand things most of the time - to get through them.  It's also really helpful to read the impressions of others here.

 

[QUOTE=IMac]Shoe, have you tried imagining the ladies in the congregation with no clothes on when you sing?
Is this what they mean by cognitive behaviour therapy? [/QUOTE]

Shoe, I know that seems funny, but it did work for me!  I used to do a lot of public speaking and that works.  But i found some thing that works for me lot better (i learned it at a siminar).  I single out some one in the middle and act like I am talking to that one person.  I NEVER used que card, they just made me more nervous.  I had an outline.  I would put all the topics there and checked off when i would do it.  Singing is totally differ.  I wish i could help.  But you might try to get the rest of the choir to sit in front of you during practice and that will give you a good feel of being in a croud.  that does work.  don't be discouraged.  I read a book called Co-Dependent No More.  It was very helpful with my self esteem.  Do you have the root as to why you have low self esteem?

[QUOTE=Dabonbon]I believe it is very important to be cognizant of our self-talk. I if catch myself thinking I'm stupid, etc., I try to immediately counter that negative and UNTRUE thought with something positive. I also tell myself something good about myself as soon as I look in the mirror the first time in the morning. [/QUOTE]

And for the days that this doesn't work, I try it from the opposite direction.  When I catch myself thinking I'm stupid I own it, like this:

"Yup, I am stupid today.  Big deal.  Lots of people are stupid, and they do just fine in life.  Being stupid doesn't make me an ax murderer.  In fact, my stupid days are a lot better than some people's good days.  Stupidity isn't the worst thing in the universe and at least I am not stupid AND mean."

Sometimes just accepting myself and my thoughts during a bad day works better than trying to turn it completely around.  If I am truly in a severe funk I don't have the energy to fight the whole battle.

[QUOTE=Reisa]And for the days that this doesn't work, I try it from the opposite direction.  When I catch myself thinking I'm stupid I own it[/QUOTE]

Good point. You own how you feel.

Ten Days to Self-Esteem, by David D Burns, M.D. (This one is sort of a workbook.  Looks like it will be very practical.)

I'm moving slowly through this book but it is fantastic.  When I start to benefit from something like this I have a tendency to regret that I wasn't ready for the ideas earlier - or hadn't gotten the book sooner.  It's analytical and very practical.  I think different people benefit from different types of books, etc, but this one is for me.

Saying Yes To Life (Even the Hard Parts), by Ezra Bayda  (This one looks like a lighter read - and sort of glimmers over many ideas.)

This book was relatively easy to read through and some of the ideas were somewhat interesting - although probably not life changing.  The main idea seemed to be that we don't have to wait for life to be good to start moving through it and experiencing it fully, etc. 

 

I don't know your situation, and I can't speak for anything other than my life and my story, but this is what how my self esteem improved over the last few months:

First and foremost... I' ve always believed in God, was raised in a church, and always (supposedly) believed "God loves you".  That's what I said at least.  But the truth was really, I thought God was pissed off at me.  I defined myself as the guy that was given talents and burried them becuase all I knew was that I had been given great gifts yet failed at everything.

The breakthrough for me was this:  God loves you.  Period.  That's it.  God loves you.  God loves you when you mess up. 

And God changes you. 

And often that doesn 't happen on our timeframe.  Patience is a staple of biblical prayers... I've been learning that God doesn't fix all of our ways in hours and days.. .but sometimes that change takes months and years.

To quote fabulous: "And I'm getting better year by year, like they say wine do..."

And if you can claim that, then you're doing better than most.