Tash & djs & gettingagrip - if you dont like my opinions and think they are unwarranted and MEAN then obviously that is YOUR opinion.
I am not going to get into an arguement about being PRIVILAGED to stay at home - that is also your opinion. The "working Mum vs the Stay at Home Mum Debate" could go on forever!!!! - I dont care about it and I really am not interested in defending myself.
The point is Missie asked advice, and in my personal experience of raising ADHD children and experiencing ADD myself, I feel I have enough knowledge to say - Yes, and I agree with tash that ADHD is a chemical imbalance, but I also believe that an ADHD child is not going to benefit from being in care for 10-11 hours a day! This is not 40 hours a week but 50+ hours a week. Personally, that is not good for any child.
You all want to say that you have no choices - fine be powerless - if you dont want different opinions and keep doing it the same way - fine - I hope it works out for you - but Support is not always about being NICE - it is about sometimes being caring enough to tell the truth. Or perhaps I should just tell you all - all the time that you are absolutely right, perfect and dont change a thing. I dont believe that for myself and I take critisim happily if it is with fair intent.
today is the first day i have been on this site and i cannot beleive what i just read (this is to you Rae70 and CSmommy) Its great that you two were fortunate enough to be ABLE to stay at home with your children but as other people have said that is not how life works these days. i know that first hand i am a single mother of one son who was just recently diagnosed with adhd and he is only three years old. i have no choice but to work 40 hrs a week and have my son in day care. i think it is absolutley rediculous that the two of you are basically telling her that she is neglecting her child because she works and you dont have to! i think that you two should talk to eachother from now on since you have so much in common and your privaledged to be able to stay home with your children and let the people who need this web site as a support group to be able to do so. I appologize to everyone for being harsh but i had no choice then to take that personally.
I hope you can get help for your child and i wish i could give you some advise but as i said earlier this is my first time hear and i could really use some too!
i do have one bit of advise, the best person to take advise from is someone who has a success story after being in a situation like yours. Dont listen to anyone who tells you that your sons problem is a result of your bad parenting because its not! I dont know alot about this disorder yet, but i do know one thing, you could be rich or poor whit or black good parents or bad and your child can still have this disorder. Wich in fact is a chemical imbalance not just a bad parenting result!
I want to thank everyone for their info. It helps a lot to get support and advice. My son is doing well on the Adderall XR. He drew stick figure guys the other day with faces and arms and legs with shoes and I almost cried. He's never put that much detail into anything. He is even coloring inside the lines!!! This whole new world of ADHD and meds is scary but with all that I am learning and all the advice I am reading it makes it easier for our whole family to face. These message boards are great!!
Thanks again!!
Missey,
Having sent six years in the military, and having a 9 year son with ADHD, I can relate with some of the challenges that you are dealing with.
Though we all want to spend more time daily, it is often not possible because of the need for two working parents. With this in mind, let me share what we've done. My son does not do well in group situations; a challenge that faces many ADHD kids. Enrollment in an after school care program where there were many kids and few adult supervisors caused more issues than it was worth. As a result, we were lucky enough to find a college student who was willing to pick our son up from school and watch him until either we got home or until he was to be dropped off at Martial arts. This one-on-one time has eliminated a period of stress for him and has resulted in his homework being done before dinner (eliminating another period of stress). He enjoys the special one-on-one time and has given him a new 'friend' whose not a parent or teacher. The cost was exactly the same.
By the way, if any of you out there have several kids in paid after school care, consider hiring one of those supervisors in the program for one-on-one home care. You may be surprised that what you would be willing to pay for at-home care is equal to what that day care provider is making taking care of a whole group of kids.
Regarding meds: GET A SECOND OPINION. Yea I know, it tough to get one when your dealing with the medical establishment on base. But be persistent. Most of the medics and doctors I remember in the military with tough and abrasive to us soldiers but could not stand their grounds to an irate mom. You are probably dealing with a Pediatrician and its sounds like its time to transition to a real live Psychologist. Psycs are more intuned to ADHD and many of the related conditions. Reviewing the many posts on this site you will see a plethora of frustrated parents who have had to deal with mis-diagnosis. The result is the prescribing of meds that cause the child to react the opposite of the intended treatment.
Good luck and please keep us informed of your progress.
Paul
I was going to say the smae thing as liesl once you are in tne militart you can not just say ok i need to stay home know sorry here is my 2 weeks notice. It doesn't work that way.
and again most people need to work and do not have the choice, we live paycheck to paycheck and if we didnt work we would all suffer (expecially if we couldnt afford medication and care for our child with ADHD. the military has a lot of benifits aswell as long hours and it is the best interest ot help Missy not to tell her she needs to quit her job (which again she can not just do)
I wonder if anyone other than Missey is or has been in the milatary. This is a career that you do not quit when you want to. Basicly you have signed a contract stating that you will be in for so many years and after that you sign another contract for several more years. So the issue of changing a job / career is out of the question. We really need to address the issue of the child in order to help Missey.
I have read on other Forums on this site that said that there have been cases where Addrell increased anger. I suggest that Missey speak with her child's ped about this problem. Also I suggest that both you and your husband keep mental or written records when you notice this anger.
Do these anger / hitting times happen about the time that the meds are wearing off? Or is it some sort of cycle. I also suggest that the care taker for this child help you in recording this. This will give you a better picture of what is going on. Remember that many times children as well as adults react without thinking. They are most likely to express anger, sadness, and many other emotions with out thinking rationaly about the situation.
Also keep in mind Adderall XL is timed released. Therefore this can cause these mood swings at different times during the day. This is why I suggest that a record of at least 2 weeks be kept of each time there is an unreasonable emotional reaction.
I am dealing with a simular situation with my daughter that is taking the same meds. She does not show this much anger but does demonstrate other emotional problems.
I have read it can be helpful to tell about simular situations to your child and how you handled it. But keep your stories short. After about 3 sentences a child of this age will tune you out. Don't take it personal. A child of this age with or without ADD/HD will listen this way.
Also keep in mind that this disorder is passed on. As adults many of us have learned coping skills. I also suggest that you speak with your childs psychologist.
Ok let's see here -- if the solution was spending more time with your child versus work as the cure then why are we all here talking about the same thing MEDS!!! Im not trying to obscure anything in anyway I'm just being honest here -- Kudo's to all of you that are able to make your sacrifices is that to say that i don't??? I'm not trying to jump on the defense here but i really dont think it's an issue on whether you keep your "career" or not or whether you "stay at home" I'm at home on the weekends 24/7 with my child and no difference so there we go with the real topic at hand the MEDS RIGHT???????
Sorry if i offended anyone but you know its called being honest.
Missie, You don't say if your son was having anger issues before the Adderall. Adderall can cause anger issues. I would suggest that you maybe look into the new chewable and liquid forms of Methylphenidate Hydrochloride which is the same stimulant used in Ritalin. Here is the link to the companies web site http://methylin4kids.com./. From what I have seen on this board it is not readily available in pharmacies but I would think if your doctor would prescribe it you could get your pharmacy to order it. There is no gaurantee this will work either but it is definetly worth a look into.
I would like to apologize for some of the above posts. It seems to me that people here sometimes offer a lot of personal opinions without knowing the posters complete situation. In my opinion those kinds of posts are not warranted. This is supposed to be a support group.
I hope you can get everything worked out for your son and family. Best Wishes. -Gettingagrip-
Oh what a controversial subject! Let me say first and foremost that I think everyone needs to respect others' needs and decisions.
When my DD was diagnosed I quit my job. We made that decision based on the fact that it was difficult for her to do homework, etc. when we were "always rushed" as she would say. No matter how we tried to create a calm environment the need to get things done that had to be done made it inconsistent. It was our choice to do it and it has worked out well for us. We have a routine now (important for my DD) and homework is broken down in mini sessions between play/dinner/bath/bedtime. It is very time consuming but has been relatively successful.
On the flip side, being a stay at home mom in a fairly well to do town, I have noticed many differing opinions and observed interesting behaviors. I am often met with the inevitable, "so what do you do all day". Aside from the fact that I have spent the better part of an hour on this blasted computer (!) I fill my day with cleaning my house, preparing meals for the evening, being creative by making this week's spelling words into games/puzzles, volunteering at the school and running the errands. No, I don't go to a spa on a weekly basis, though if you're offerring, I'd love to!
Most importantly I have noticed that some stay at home moms easily lose their patience and the time with their kids is spent yelling at them or telling them to go play, or watch tv. I have also seen some working moms jam pack their schedules so there is no hanging out with one another in the family. I have seen working moms drop everything when they get home and become very active with their kids interests and stay at home moms that literally provide the milk and cookie atmosphere.
going back to my first paragraph-that's what I believe- and the time you give your kids is decided solely by you, but the quality of that time is what matters most!
me stepping down from my soap box!
Adderall XR. You can open the capsel and put the meds inside applesause. My daughter had troubles taking a pill also and her doctor recommended doing it this way. I really helped. But now she is able to swallow the pill. I agree with an ealier comment you should try the new chewalbe or liquid product for ADHD especially in a 4 year old. My doctor thinks ritalin is a better product in the younger patients. My sone takes the grape chewable tablets 2 or 3 times per day depending on homework. We usually give him one dose on Saturday and Sunday for Soccer game and Sunday School. I have spoke with other Moms and their doctor had not mentioned or prescribed a short acting medication for this use. It works great and reduces the amount of stimulants our child is on.Missie it is wonderful to hear your family is dealing with this issue a little more easier due to our forum. And welcome - I forgot that in all my anti-day care soap boxing.
Please do keep in touch !
You can try anything, but if nothing works. Read my story and if you consider that my idea could "reduce" your frustation please send a letter to the President to support this Project to help ADHD Students.
SPECIAL SCHOOL FOR ADHD KIDS
President George W. Bush
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW
Washington, US 20500
Phone: (202) 456-1414
Fax: (202) 456-2461
I have a child diagnosed with ADHD, his taking Ritalin and he is in ESE (Exceptional Student Education). His mayor problem is reading & comprehension. He has improved, but he is not in the level where he is supposed to be for his age & grade. I'm worry that this situation can lower (even more) his self-esteem, for not been able to get the same achievements as other. This is frustrating for students, for parents & even for teachers. Parents are blamed; Children are blamed or labeled. Schools are blamed. This is a neurobiological problem. This is nobody's fault. But, we all can do something, let put pressure in our political leaders so these kids can get more help. I think by preparing a special program/classes for this kind of disability (with psychologists, neurologists, teachers and parents input) Having these kids in a full time (separate) school with a fully trained personal in this matter & where they don't see themselves as “retarded” because the rest are doing great and they are getting D's or F's, will help so much! If the government has money for special schools & programs for "gifted" students, why not to invest in those who are in a "bigger" academic need. In my opinion everyone will benefit from this, even students who are not ADHD. Medication should not be the only solution; after all, they have side effects, too.
There is between 3%-10% of students with ADHD in US. Isn’t that enough to (at least) try with a pilot school to see if it work? We need to put these kids back in their normal life, faster and with less medication. If you read some statistics about kids with ADHD you will learn why is so important to help these kids now to avoid future problems that may be more costly for the government than the SPECIAL SCHOOL.
Easier said than done -- yeah im sure everyone on this board with the same or similiar issues would like to be able to spend more time with our children but lets face it were not in the 50's anymore families do not function like that ( unless very very fortunate ) in most cases especially with "middle class" families both parents have to maintain jobs and who is out there to watch our children???? i will have you know that my son's Kindergarten is all day and with his bus schedule he is on for 45 minutes before school so his day is from 7:30am to 4:30pm and that is with a city school what am i to do move??? change schools to 1/2 day kindergarten???? come on really do you have a mortgage???? do you have bills??? well if not we do and to say change careers is obsurd lets face it dont we work hard to "PROVIDE" for our children -- i live with the guilt every day that i wish i could have spent more time with my child and you dont think the thought that if i did i may not be in this mess with him HOWEVER who is going to pay my bills, rent, mortgage, cars??????? if you can tell me how this is done without having to work so i can stay at home with my child and spend "more time" then please share it with usI agree it is hard to choice between spending time with the kids or feed them and provide what they need. I work 40 hours a week, Mon -Thur 9.5 hours with a hour lunch and 7 hours on friday with an hour for lunch...
Missy-they have come out with a new chewable medication (grape flavored) my son who is 5 will get this on Friday my pharmacist had to order it because it is new...it als comes in liquid also grape flavored (I am very excited about trying this because my son too will not swallow his pill or take in in applesauce.
I'm sorry, I have to agree with Rae70. Perhaps this does not apply to your children, but in our town we all know which kids spent a lot of time in daycare based on how they treat their parents. I quite my job after my son was born, & found other ways to suppliment my income.
When I took my salary as a Bank Manager, subtract daycare costs, travel costs, lunch costs, how many times I order out because Iwas to tired to cook, & my work clothing, shoes, make-up etc I wasn't taking enough to make the trade-off worth while. So my husband who is a contractor & I downsized. We live in an affluent community in NY, 45 minutes from the city, it is a walking community so we can walk to & from school (we do not have buses) & town. We only have 1 car, a mortgage, no outstanding credit card debt & every article of clothing of purchased on sale. If we do not need it we do not buy it. I take a little girl to school with us each day, & her mom pays me for that, & with my banking background I do some bookkeeping when the children are at school on the side. This money pays for their afterschool sports. I also volunteer which saves us $. I coach 2 soccer teams, my husband coaches football & 2 basketball teams (all of which our children play on). Next year I may take a job as an aide at the school so I have more hours &they are the same as their's. It doesn't pay much, but it is better then nothing.
Now I know not everyone can do this, but if you really analize all your spending habits you may be shocked to find that this is really do-able. Of couse my parents wonder why they sent my to college................
Missie, Come on - meds is not going to help your child more - spending more time with your child is what is going to help him. You need to consider that this boy is in care 10-11 hours a day - even adults only spend 8 hours a day at work.
Maybe he is acting out because he wants your attention. Not all bad behaviour is associated with ADHD. It is not a convenient excuse for lack of parenting.
I dont mean to be tough, but I feel you are just avoiding the obvious problem. He is angry because he is left in day care and not spending time one to one with his parents.
The only time you do get to see him is - getting him bathed, fed and to bed (and I bet this is tough too, because you are tired), then in the morning - you get him up, dressed, fed (and you probably have to drag him up and drag him to day care).
This is not good - you need to make more time and/or change careers.
Rae7038248.7319097222