WitsEnd, firstly my heart goes out to you in this situation it is a doosey!
Lets look at your options - forget about the boy and leave him with his mother, continue the court fighting process and get access back, leave your husband and just do the best to raise your two children, move away with your husband and two children and allow the mother to deal with this situation. (these are the choices that come to my mind if I were you)
If you were the custodial parents choices could be - organise family counselling (which could still be an option if the mother agreed), assess this boy for bi-polar and have him medicated accordingly, as he does not sound adhd but more bi-polar and adhd drugs can make bi-polar symptoms worse.
I think also there are options of contacting the husband of the childs mother and asking his opinion, perhaps he is having similar problems with the boy and ask him to step in and organise some evaluations to be done - that is if the mother is not already doing this.
Personally, I dont know how you have managed this far, I would have quit a fair while ago (but I am a bit of a quitter). You are only responsible for your two children, if your husband is not going to take control of his son and the situation (regardless if your husband is also challenged with adhd), it may be in the best interest of your childrens safety to get the hell out of this entire situation. Or he could give you permission to organise it and your husband could put the idea to his ex.
I would put to your husband an ultimatum. Get the boy properly diagnosed, medicated and counselled, on an ongoing basis, including family counselling, or you need to remove your kids from the whole situation.
I am a bit of heartless wife sometimes, but I find sometimes men dont see the problem as bad as it is and if he is adhd himself, would be feeling incredibly overwhelmed, so therefore some men need a good dose of reality to get the point you have had enough!
Rae70, thanks for the options as you see them. I had thought of most, but it is always good to hear new ones too. It has been a hard situation and I have wanted to give up (but I am very stubborn and can't quit even when I want to sometimes). I am trying very hard right now to make my husband realize that his son needs more help than he is getting. I guess for the time being (while the boy is with his mom and I know my kids are safe) I will keep working on that. I just get so frustrated sometimes trying to find a solution to a problem that his mom (and dad to a certain extent) thinks does not exist. It's not doing the child any favors and I thought that was what parenting is all about - doing what is best for your child even if it hurts you. It is nice to get feedback from other people who are familiar with some of the particulars. Thanks!
Hang in there WitsEnd. You must be extremely frustrated with the parents. As an outsider (not meaning to say that you are not included) you can see parental mistakes sometimes easier than the parents.
My husband will tell me things about my children (he is their stepfather) that I wont accept only to find out later that he was right. But I still dont want to admit it.
It is really hard as the natural parent to accept the step parents attitudes sometimes whether they are right or wrong.
We are extremely protective and full of excuses due to our guilt of breaking up the relationship with their bio other parent.
Hi Wits End
What comes to my mind is empathy for this boy, he is obviously frustrated with himself and doesn't know how to control himself.
The first thing that comes to mind for me is for your husband to step up to the plate and take some responsibility here. Ask him to make special and regular father/son time for this boy, there also needs to be some firm ground rules for him while he is in your home. Does he know the boundaries? What is acceptable what is not? You know kids roll their eyes and make out they don't want to listen to us, however they are (they just don't want us to know it) I suggest a book by Dr.Phil's son Filling the Gap.
For you, I admire your love and compassion for this boy, through everything he has put you through. My suggestion here is to make some time for just you and him, get to know him, look for his strengths what he is good at, take a real genuine interest in him. Encourage him and make him feel special. I really believe you can turn this situation around with your husbands support. Let go of what has happen and focus on the present and the future.
I think there is alot going on for this boy and he is frustrated with the situations and circumstances in his life. Make yourself the soft place for him to land, the person he can trust and count on, that no matter how much he stuffs up you will still love him and believe in him. How can he fight and resist that
Good luck and keep smiling, I think you will find a very special boy under all this anger. (Anger is just a symptom of hurt, frustration and fear)
Shelly
Thanks!
Special and regular time for him has made some of these problems worse. Zach feels he is suppossed to be treated special and is more important than the other kids. Normally I would agree with this advice, but every time he has gotten this special attention, something happens when one of the other kids gets any attention from dad at all. What we have been trying to do is show him that dad and I both have enough love and attention for everyone.
My husband is finally starting to see that he has made a lot of this worse and is really trying now. We voluntarily let his mom take him except for just a few hours of visitation 3x a week. His therapist said this would make everything better. Well mom has started witholding visitation and not even telling my husband when the boy is sick or needs to see a doctor or anything. She is babying the boy so much that he can't even go to school without crying for 45 minutes - 1 hour EVERY DAY crying to his teacher that he needs his mama. We have talked to his teacher and she says this is a big problem. On the rare occassion that we do get to see Zach he is fine once he gets into teh car away from mom. There is still a big problem with jealosy over the baby though, once we took him swimming at the Y with us and when I had the baby trying to swim to daddy he swam right at his dad and pushed him away from the baby, he did this again with the older brother as well. It was something we were all involved in, no one was excluded but when it was the baby's turn, he had to push in to take "his dad" and "his brother" away. The mother still is blaming it all on us and has forgotten that all of the bad behavior he did at our house (except for the fire) he has done at her house too. This week when it is time to pick up the boys for our normal week, we are taking the 6 year old back (we will probably have to get the police involved) and we are taking him to a new counsellor. Maybe a new therapist will actually be unbiased (the old one is not helping at all) and actually help him. I am wary about it all but the boy has gotten worse, he is a total emotional wreck and someone has to step up and get him some help. If there is anything good out of all of this, my marriage is stronger and my husband has woken up to the fact that what he was doing was making things worse. Wish us luck this week.
Your one tough cookie.
In my opinion you have only 3 options.
1) You and your hubby get on the same page with controlling this kid and get him some professional help.
2) The kid stays with his mother.
3) You leave your husband and the kid.
These may sound simple, cold and calculated but personally I can see you are far to wrapped up and caught up into this kids problems. As far as I'm concerned the root cause problem is the kid is seriously ill and needs help in which you are dealing with all the symptoms. I absolutly agree the child is Bipolar I.
What you described is not just "clingy", you described a seriously disturbed child. You trying to work through all this and manage it yourself is making the situation worse. (Why you ask?) Shame on the disturbed child and his father the first time, shame on you for putting up with it the rest of the time.
If you continue to manage the childs symptoms, the child obviously has the potentially of killing somebody.
I saw a special once on TV about criminals, murderers and psychopaths. These adults had every mental illness under the sun (including and/or soely bipolar). If treated as children with medication and therapy it could have been prevented. One girl had to be sent to a shelter because she tried to kill her sister and she killed the pets. They treated her with medication and therapy and she was able to go back home and live a relitively normal life.
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