Losing our minds!!! | ADHD Information

Here is a quick rundown of my situation. I am a 31 year old father of a 9 year old son. My son's bio mother is a poor excuse for a human being let alone a parent, and I have had custody of my son since he was 3. She then proceeded to have two other kids 11 months apart from one another and did not want them so her mom took them at birth and has had them ever since.

My son was diagnosed with ADHD a little over a year ago and has been on Adderall XR since. I am married and have been with my wife now for just under 5 years, she is a mother to my son and really the only real one he has ever had in his life. He never sees his bio mom as she is not good for him at all and one of the reasons I won custody was that she never completed the psych eval that the court ordered we take, (that is a small part of the reason) and I do not trust her to have him without knowing that she is fit. She was in jail at the time I won custody therefore she has no visitation at all through the court. I am sure that this issue has effected my son as he knows who she is and all that but has been told that right now is not the time for him to see or spend time with her.

The ADHD has been a problem for us for the last 4 years since he started school. School has gotten a little better since the meds but at home it is still a nightmare. Here is a list of the things that have transpired over the last few years.

He lies constantly, I mean about the most stupid things imaginable. About if he brushed his teeth, about if he did his homework. Basically things that we know the truth to yet he sticks to his story. His bio mom is a compulsive liar and has been labled as bipolar, borderline personality, etc. She has lied more times then you can imagine and I am afraid that he has to much of her in him. :(

Christmas of 2004 he was visiting his grandmother (bio moms mother) and other two siblings when she let my son sleep in the same bed with his 5 year old half brother and 4 year old half sister. She dis this when she knew #1 it was not right to have three kids sleeping in the same bed. Anyway there was some touching between my son and his sister. The grandmother knew about it cause the sister said something, and she CONTINUED to let the three of them sleep in the same bed!!! To make matters worse, she did not even call me when she found out but waited the 5 more days until my wife and I picked him up to tell us!!! He has not been allowed to go there since then either.

Last year he was playing outside with some friends and we found out through a neighbor that he and two other kids that he was playing with took a pizza box and went to the bathroom on it and then put the box on another kids door who they did not like.

Just yesterday we were on our way to dinner after picking him up from after school care and my mother in law noticed that his eye lashes had been cut. I was driving and we asked him what happened and he said that he had been pulling on them and they must have broke. Upon getting out of the car I looked at them and they are cut in a straight line and had to have been done with scissors. We grilled him and he finally admitted that he took friggin scissors to his eye lashes because his eyes were hurting... total BS, but that was his excuse.

My wife has started disconnecting herself from my son and I cannot blame her at all. It does sometimes affect us even though we try to avoid that. I cannot even begin to understand what she is going through as a step parent and with my son being how he is makes it even worse. He lies, cheats, sneaks, and is all around pretty much a spitting image of his wretched bio mother. I am scared and I don't know what to do. I guess we are looking for some guidance here and any advice is appreciated.

BTW, he was in counseling when he was diagnosed and had about 10 visits in but she moved to another city and it was to far for us to follow her. He has another appt with a new one later this month and will be going back every two weeks until we can get some kind of idea as to what is going on with him, because it seems apparant that it is not only the ADHD.

Thanks for letting me vent... again and help is welcomed.

aimnjame138818.5573148148Harlow, kids with bipolar disorder cannot be treated without medication -- it is not at all an option like treating ADHD. That is why it is imperative that this poster know what is going on with his son. My kids have weekly therapy AND medication management with a child psychiatrist.

Dear Aimnjame

I do not have any words of wisdom or any wonderful advice. I just wanted to say that your plight touched me deeply. I can relate to some parts. I divorced my ex husband when my son was 6 months old. We have not seen him or any of his family since. (My son is now 8). My ex husband was (and probably still is) fraught with personality disorders - mostly unpleasant. I cannot recall my ex showing signs of the ADHD my son has been diagnosed with. Be that as it may, my loving son does so often display tendancies in his personality that could only have been inherited from his birth father. I feel very afraid during those times. My situation is not nearly as severe as yours - I just wanted to say that I do understand and I applaud you for seeking the help your family and son needs.

Please know that you are not alone and please take a little time out for yourself.

Kindest thoughts to you!

Thank you all for your kind words and advice, we are taking things one day at a time as that is all we can do. I know how things can happen in life and I really want my son to be happy, however I also want my wife to be happy as she does not deserve any of this.

SmallMom, you say they have weekly appts with the psychiatrist? What are they doing when they go there and what things have you been told by the psych? How long have they been going there?

I responded to your other post about having your son evaluated by a board-certified child psychiatrist, and after reading this post, I'm even more convinced about my advice. Don't mean to scare you, but bipolar disorder is hereditary, and there are some red flags here. The sooner you get your son the proper treatment, the better the prognosis.

What are somethings that can be done for a child with bipolar disorder? Could it be that he does not even have ADHD but was misdiagnosed with it? And in that case could the adderall be making things for him worse?

You stepped up to the plate to care for your son when his mother (birth) was incapable. You should be very proud of yourself. Not everyone, father or mother are that unselfish and so loving of their child to decide to place their child first, and themselves second.

I am not a psychologist, but an educator, familiar with children and parent issues. My best advice to you as a loving father, and committed spouse would be to find counseling for your son AND the whole family, including you, your spouse and daughter. Medication is only part of a solution, and in my view a minor part in comparison to the benefits of individual and group counseling. Who would you hire to repair a levy? You or a professional? Thank God there are experts who are committed to children AND their families. Take Care.

Yes, he may not have ADHD at all, or he may have BP co-morbid with ADHD. Adderall could be making things worse (as well as any stimulant or antidepressant). And mood stabilizers, sometimes with atypical antipsychotics, are used to treat BP. Some websites to check out:

www.bpkids.org

www.bipolarchild.com

www.bpchildresearch.org

BTW, I have two children -- almost 13-year-old son and 11-year-old daughter -- with working dxes of BP. Both had manic reactions to antidepressants. My son was first dxed with ADHD and anxiety 3 years ago.

I strongly encourage you and your wife to attend counseling. My husband and I have had trouble due to the ADHD and we are both my sons biological parents. I can't imagine dealing with my son everyday and not being his bio parent. It must be VERY difficult for her. You sound like you love your wife tremendously and you both must talk openly to make your marriage not only work but be happy too. Nothing will benefit your son more than having a mom and dad at home (even if mom is really step mom).

Everyone else has given you great advise. Definitely look into the BiPolar diagnosis for your son. However, lying is definitely a part of ADHD and I'm not sure about the other behaviors but if he is very impulsive he may not think and get drawn into bad behaviors when with a crowd.

And visit these boards often. It really helps to know you are not alone.

Check things out further. Smallmom is giving you good advice. My son can do some odd things, but not the pizza box or touching things. My son will Try to lie, but we know when he is, and he admits to it quickly. There is also a possibility of ds being bipolar. He does not have any blatant symptoms, but a hereditary link so we are watching him. Like I wouldn;t watch him anyways

Instead of having a separate psychologist to do therapy and a psychiatrist to do meds, we chose an integrated approach (the old-fashioned way), where each child sees a board-certified child psychiatrist for weekly therapy and med management. We also talk reguarly with our son's pdoc by phone and meet every other week with our daughter's pdoc. Med decisions are therefore based not only on our observations at home but also on the psychiatrists' observations during therapy. We feel this arrangement is a lot more effective when dealing with a serious disorder like BP.

from the step parent standpoint I can tell you - support your wife and your child. try very hard not to take sides if they fight.
I came into a relationship when my stepson was 9 - he has severe chrones disease and his mother does NOT take an active roll in his care or treatment - though she refuses to allow me to do anything. my husband and she are both very passive people when it comes to doctoring.
I spoke my mind and did the best I could to get decent care for my stepson, and it caused us many problems and arguments...but in the long run my husband realized that I had the boy's best interests at heart and was more interested in getting him medical attention than his own mother.
I dont know if this helps you - but it's MY frustrated step-parent story.

you said your wife doesnt deserve this...but I tell you - I never felt that way as the step-parent....she wouldnt deserve it any more or less if your son were her bio child would she? she signed on for better or worse, and this is part of that agreement.
I dont think you ought to feel bad for her. I think you ought to feel worse for your son and the behavior traits he's got no control over.

Press hard for counceling, take the whole family, show your son you love him, even when he does bad things. And try to remember that its the behavior that's bad, not the child. Under there somewhere I am sure there is a very troubled child who wants very badly to be good and to be loved.

Please keep us posted as to what happens!
H

Thank you all again for the advice. We are taking him back to a new Dr on the 21st and will have bi weekly appts with this Dr until he tells us that it can be any different, if he does at all.

It really is nice to know that we are not alone in this, I do love my wife a great deal and I want things to be good for her, I know that she loves me and that she agreed to be with me for better or worse and I did the same, it does not change the fact that I do feel bad for her and don't want this for either one of us. To make matters worse both of us want to have our own child at some point but feel that we cannot even begin to think about that right now due to the current situation, then the question becomes are we ever going to be able to do that? There is a distinct feeling of fear about not only how my son would react to this but also what kind of actions might he take against a baby in the house when he is not right already.

Jasonsmom, I do feel very bad for my son, but to say that I should not feel bad for my wife is not possible imo. I love her and when I see how this affects her and our marriage I feel nothing but saddness, that coupled with the fact that I know if things were not the way they are for my son that our family would be so much happier.

The most difficult part in all this is seperating the problems that my son has, whatever they might be, from my son as a little boy. The two go hand in hand because of what happens on a daily basis with him. I do not think that he should just be able to be good because I know that he is not normal when it comes to that, however even seeing some sort of improvement over the last few years would be at least encouraging.

As a rule you would have had problems with your boy before age 5 at home and other places. It's like an extended period of the terrible twos. What other symptoms are there? Hyperactivity, excessive arguing or talking, addiction to electronic games?

[QUOTE=rebounderone]As a rule you would have had problems with your boy before age 5 at home and other places. It's like an extended period of the terrible twos. What other symptoms are there? Hyperactivity, excessive arguing or talking, addiction to electronic games?[/QUOTE]

There really was nothing that happened before age 5, it was not until he started school that things really started to happen. The hyperactivity, he never really argues, or talks to much, he has some electronic games, like Game Boy, Game Cube. He loses these things all the time though because of his behavior. He had a PS2 before we knew there was anything wrong with him and due to his actions we sold it. He did not even really care. I remember being a kid and if my parents told me they were going to sell something of mine that I loved I would have been in tears begging them not to. He did not even care.

truer words were never spoken...

I fell very close to all of you - someone who understands what myslef and my family is going through... Thanks for posting here and enlightening me...

Jeff

It sounds like you have your hands full. About the lieing, and sneaky behavior. We help kids learn to lie by asking them questions that trap them in a lie. Instead of Did you do your Homework? Ask him to show you his homework. Instead of what happened to your eyelashes? Tell him he's not as handsome as he was before he cut his lashes. If he insists he didn't cut them, simply say Okay, and don't ask for any explanation, or make a joke That must have hurt when you pulled them out. Use a sense of humour, supervise him more, because he's showing you he can't make the best decisions. If he does lie, and you think he did tell him you think he is telling a story, and would he like to tell the real story now, even if its not as exciting a tale as he told. Ignore the small lies, and just say thats a good story, I like it. He's lieing to escape accountability, consequence, and to get you off his back, as well as to avoid being in trouble. Encourage truth telling- because you told the truth there will be less consequence. But no matter what, all kids lie for different reasons. The bigger deal we make of it the more lies you will see. Regarding sneaky behavior, its a big rush for any kid, but more so because of ADHD kids. There's nothing better than pulling the wool over the parents eyes. You will never catch all the lies. Good Luck.

Member "Anti-ritalin" is a Troll. Please ignore everything this person says.

Auntie38850.2904976852

RE: Long-term Ritalin use (poisoning my very own child), Initial diagnosis was ITP, current diagnosis � "deadly aplastic anemia"�.ADHD fraud, parents beware! Ritalin is known by other names, methyl, methylin, methylpenidate, concerta, focalin and more!

Advice: Skip anti-Ritalin. Ok, now OTHER adivce. With family history, you really should get a Child Psychiatrist to look into early onset bipolar. If he has it, or any predisposition to it, stimulants can bring it on or make it worse. ADHD treatment will not work for early onset bipolar, and it is very hereditary. ADHD is almos always the first diagnosis given a kid with early onset bipolar. I agree with smallmom. Get this kid evaluated because of bio mom's family history. As for your wife, she signed up for all of your kids when she married you. I remarried also. Hub knew my kids before he married me and things have gone well. Your wife DID ask for it when she married you. JMHO. You're a package deal. Your wife is an adult who went into marriage knowing full well about your child. I don't pity her. Your son needs you. He has my support and empathy. I would worry about him first. He's just a child.

OlderMom38850.0092824074i do hope your not speaking about your son's mother like that in front of the child. disciple the boy, teach him better ways, it will take your time and your patience. have patience. new wife - must be in it for long haul. good luck.