Did we cause ADHD? | ADHD Information

LOL, I think so many of us blame ourselves for our kids' ADHD at first. For years I thought maybe if I had raised my kids differently they would be better able to control their impulses/stay organized/ focus. Finally I realized that the problems were there no matter what methods I used.

Soooo many disorders are initially blamed on bad parenting until medical research tells us it's genetic (anybody remember the whole Autism-Refrigerator Mom debate 50 years ago??).
[QUOTE=TillyT]

I read something recently that addressed this question. What it said was:

"Bad parenting doesn't cause ADHD, but ADHD can cause bad parenting."

I thought it was so true. The stress of being with an ADHD child can change the way you parent.

[/QUOTE]

Wow! I couldn't agree more!

Tilly T has said it best.I also am a believer in "the strong genetic link"

The doctor that originally diagnosed my son's ADHD wrote on the report that it was caused my inconsistant parenting and discipline. I blamed myself for years. It was horrible! I did loads of research and also took my son to a new doctor who at least encouraged me to believe I was not to blame.

"Bad parenting doesn't cause ADHD, but ADHD can cause bad parenting." This is an excellent statement!!

I was raised on a farm, and both of my parents were always at home. I was never left with a sitter, and I was just recently diagnosed with adult ADD. Looking back to the way my mother was during my childhood (forgetful, unfocused, slightly scatter-brained) I think that she probably has it also, as does my daughter. I think that there is a very strong genetic link to this disorder. I agree, however, that certain parenting styles can exacerbate the symptoms. A calm, firm, consistent approach always works the best.

I was a stay at home mom until recently, when my youngest started kindergarten. Both of your children have adhd and add.

But I agree, the calmer I am the calmer they are.

[QUOTE=BackToReality]lol, calm and consistent is always best when it comes to parenting but sometimes is easier said than done. It's understandable that you son gets you frustrated and angry at times. As parents we want our children to listen and be respectful but when you are dealing with an ADHD child it can be so much harder for them to be what we expect. It can be exhausting for them to control themselves and focus all day long and this makes them more likely to have an outburst...parents are often the target of these outbursts since we are supposed to love them no matter what they do. It's "safe" for them to be angry with us. I try and give myself a few minutes to process what I'm feeling when my kids have an outburst. I try and figure out where the behavior is coming from and if there is anything I can do to de-fuse the situation and sometimes have to go back when everyone is calm to deal with the behavior. We try and work out strategies together about how everyone could have re-acted differently-- kinda like lessons in how to make smart choices. And when I fail at this and start screaming or blow things out of proportion I make an effort to apologize. I want my kids to be able to admit when they make a mistake instead of blaming their behavior on other people. [/QUOTE]

Very good advice. I'm learning a lot from reading this forum. Thanks.

My 13 year old daughter was the best baby and always has done real well in school and generally was and is a well mannered/respectful person. My 7 year old who is soon to be evaluated for adhd is a total opposite to her sister and they were both raised the same. I do find though that my 7 year old does behave just a tad bit better for her father than for me. For example, if I take her to church with me only, she will kind of play and goof off but if dad was sitting there with us, she would not be goofing around -- is this something that other kids with adhd can do/ control their behavior a bit? Yes, they can control their behavior. It is sometimes very exhausting for them to do this, but at times, if they are afraid of more dire consequences or in a more interesting situation that holds their attention, the adrenaline helps them focus on the desired behavior.

The trouble is that teachers or people who are not familiar with adhd see that sometimes they can control themselves better than others. This is where the "bad kid or bad parent comments" can creep in.

My son would come home from school exhausted from trying to hold it together all day. Not that he always succeeded.
lol, calm and consistent is always best when it comes to parenting but sometimes is easier said than done. It's understandable that you son gets you frustrated and angry at times. As parents we want our children to listen and be respectful but when you are dealing with an ADHD child it can be so much harder for them to be what we expect. It can be exhausting for them to control themselves and focus all day long and this makes them more likely to have an outburst...parents are often the target of these outbursts since we are supposed to love them no matter what they do. It's "safe" for them to be angry with us. I try and give myself a few minutes to process what I'm feeling when my kids have an outburst. I try and figure out where the behavior is coming from and if there is anything I can do to de-fuse the situation and sometimes have to go back when everyone is calm to deal with the behavior. We try and work out strategies together about how everyone could have re-acted differently-- kinda like lessons in how to make smart choices. And when I fail at this and start screaming or blow things out of proportion I make an effort to apologize. I want my kids to be able to admit when they make a mistake instead of blaming their behavior on other people.

thanks for all the replies - I was away for a few days and just got back to read this.

Again, everything sounds just like our son.

This morning my wife (I heard this through the cell phone) yelled at my son to turn off the DVD player in the truck with an abrupt loud voice. How predictable his reaction was:

"What is your f*cking problem!!!!"

I know that when we are calm with him, he reacts much more calmly in return. It's just hard to be calm sometimes. Takes a lot of effort. But I guess if we want HIM to change, we have to be willing to change ourselves, right?

I tried to be the "perfect" parent. I stayed home, read and tried to follow what I believed to be the best parenting methods. My second child STILL has Adhd. So do I.

Any doctor or person who blames the parent will change their mind when it is their child or grandchild who has it. Our society likes to blame and judge - then we feel better about ourselves!

Don't blame yourself - leave that to the outsiders.

Just love yourselves and your children! That is the recipe for their success.

my daughter is 9 and a perfect child,never had a temper tramtum in her life.my 4 year old is ADHD and when people try to blame his behavior on my parenting I always poit out of this fact.It is not your parenting that make your son ADHD but I do agree that they do rebel against any type of authority so a different approach is best for them(good luck i still haven't mastered that one yet).

used to be frenchmama

I read something recently that addressed this question. What it said was:

"Bad parenting doesn't cause ADHD, but ADHD can cause bad parenting."

I thought it was so true. The stress of being with an ADHD child can change the way you parent. Not that it would necessarily lead to bad parenting, but I know it affects my choices and my interactions with my DS.

Whenever I read that TV exposure is linked with ADHD, I think "Yeah, parents of ADHD kids are so exhausted they are probably encouraging TV time to get a little space!"

Chicken and egg thing, of course, but I do see the disorder as driving a lot of family interactions, at least in our house.

My 8 year old son was recently diagnosed with ADHD. I can't help but think that my wife and I caused it because of mistakes we made in raising him?

For instance, he's been in daycare since he was an infant due to the fact that both of us worked. Could that have somehow affected him to bring on this disorder?

Also, we may have been too hasty in discipline, thinking that it works like the old says when parents ruled the house like a drill sargeant. Could have now be rebelling against that in some way? Too much yelling in the house?

Just trying to figure things out...

[QUOTE=TillyT]

I read something recently that addressed this question. What it said was:

"Bad parenting doesn't cause ADHD, but ADHD can cause bad parenting."

Whenever I read that TV exposure is linked with ADHD, I think "Yeah, parents of ADHD kids are so exhausted they are probably encouraging TV time to get a little space!"

Chicken and egg thing, of course, but I do see the disorder as driving a lot of family interactions, at least in our house.

[/QUOTE]

So much of what I read here sounds like our home life. Thanks for the candid reply...

Jeff

Parents or parenting methods don't cause ADHD, but can make the symptoms of ADHD worse. Lowering your expectations, and understanding what ADHD is helps a great deal. Raising your voice and being a sergeant with these kids just makes things worse, so does talking too much-it escalates the childs behavior, they get mad at you and get even by upping the ante. By being calm, using When thens, giving alternatives, gives them choices so they are more willing to respond to you. Don't feel guilty about working and causing it. There are alot of children with 2 working parents. We'd be in big trouble if this caused ADHD. Good Luck

Hello there...

I had those thoughts too. My son was also in daycare since the age of 8 months. He entered preschool at 3. Discipline/manners also started at an early age. Unfortunately we found out our son was ADHD just a couple of months ago. Could have changed alot of parenting skills if we knew a couple of years ago. Can only go forward now.

Hang in there!!