friendship | ADHD Information

I didnt realize how lonely and isolated I really was until I started treating my ADHD.

I have been in my own little world for so long. My best friend is my husband I spend all of my time with him or my kids.

I have a lot of acquantances at work, I go to a special interest group for Spanish 2x a month. I show up to faculty parties, etc..

But, no friendships.. I dont feel like I fit. I have never been able to fully put my finger on it, and it is quite irritating at times. I chit chat, I try to make the conversation about them, so I can be a good listener. Still, no real potential friendships. I think part of it is I feel like I am constantly "on guard" to make sure I don't say or do anything that would be deemed inappropriate. Not showing all of myself may be the biggest problem I have.. Taking that risk at being inapproprate..letting people know me for who I am.. Scary stuff.. but probably one of the most important parts of a real friendship.

Sherry

I learned something about friends a few years ago... it was like a revelation. An acquaintance (heh, not a friend) taught me about the friends thing. He had a lot of friends and I asked him how he did it. He told me that having friends was based on following up with them... when someone says, "let's get together sometime," if you want them to be your friend, YOU have to make that phone call, and within a reasonable amount of time. You have to remember their birthday. You have to stop them in the hallway at work and ask them if they are free for lunch. You have to do all kinds of things that ADHDers are bad at. I'm not denying the foot-in-mouth syndrome many of us have, but some of it is just logistical. If you kind of forget to call them, they WILL drift away. (Also, if you forget to call them, THEY will think YOU don't like them. People (most people) are rather insecure about such things, at the core.)

maude - you certainly aren't alone as you can probably see now. I too have had trouble keeping friends in the past and even today (though I have improved a whole lot).

Now initiating friendship is not a serious trouble for a lot of us as we are caring, empathetic people. But keeping it rolling is the hard part.

I think it has something to do with our inability to follow through. Friendships are like potted plants - they take considerable care and attention or they wilt and die. I know that I like the first initial contact with potential friends but a lot of the time I end up in my "me" mode where I just want to be left alone after work and gf (and here) time. Veg out and let the world disappear. Then they get feeling that either they did something wrong or I am not interested and they get upset. And yet again a maybe friend is lost.

What a lot of these people need to realize is the fact that it takes two to make a friendship. If they are told ahead that we have ADHD and about these quirks that we have they should be able to make a little headway to keep the friendship possible. All the friends I've had have not known about my ADHD (neither did I lol) but they did know I was not much for phoning and they typically either phoned me or left me be for a day or two.

Sadly those friendships that did begin I usually destroyed through my occasional callousness or coldness. Other times a person wanted to become friends and my negativity would get in the way. Sometimes it makes me sad when I look back and I often think about phoning some of my past friends and apologizing for the things I said or did.

Don't feel alone! Here we can all be friends in our own ADHD way.

Thank you country girl and dee for sharing your taughts with me i am always trying to be a little quiter and it does work but i cant hold my tounge for long as i am at my happiest when my mouth is going ninty .But good advice and i can see were it could improve my friendships a lot thanks for the advice as i dont offten get it.

Friendships are indeed difficult for me. I can make friends easily, but can't keep them. I think hey get very confused with my mood swings. I am gregarious and outgoing, making them the center of attention,going places and having fun then I get depressed, crawl inside my shell and want to be left alone, therefore ignoring them completely for a time. Can't really blame them I confuse myself.

Welcome to the board of misfits

where misfits fit.
Hi Maude & welcome to the board,

I know all about that excluded feeling. I do ok now after much trial and error but as a child I had a hard time making friends because I wasn't very good at picking up social ques. I was lucky enough to find one good friend in grade school. When I think back I often wonder how she put up with me. We are still friends after 30 plus years. In my particular situation I never knew I had ADD until much later in life but I always knew that I was definitely different from the other kids. After much teasing and verbal abuse, I made it my mission to learn how to communicate with my peers. I just shut my mouth and did a lot of looking and listening. By High School I was better able to communicate and make friends but still was carrying the low self-esteem from all the abuse in grade school. Still working on that even now.

The good thing for me was that I had friends that would tell me when I said stupid things or I offended them. They were kind of a gauge for me as it is very hard for a person with ADD to see how they come across to others. I can make friends pretty easily now after a lot of hard work learning how to. One of the main things I learned was to try and show interest in topics and things my friends are interested in. To try to be a positive force instead of a negative one, by saying and doing nice things for them. Also to be a listening ear when they need one and not dominate the conversation. When I am feeling negative I do not share all that negativity with them. I used to drive them all crazy when I got stuck on something that depressed me or upset me. Now I do not dump it all on them as that just pushes people away. I sometimes do that "crawling into my shell" as countrygirl said but I try not to stay there too long or bring anyone with me. Thank goodness for my H because I confide in him a lot when I'm going through a rough time. I do try to cut him a break too though and not be too intense for too long. This board is also a great source of support and advice for me. Some really cool and kind people here.

It really is such a balancing act keeping friendships. Trying not to stick my foot in my mouth or insult someone and not realize it. I have spent most of my life learning to deal with all different personalities. Sometimes, I find it is better to be quiet and listen. I learned a lot that way. It doesn't mean I don't still feel like a misfit sometimes though. I am just so glad I found a place here where there are people that understand where I am coming from and wear similar shoes, even if I do lose one every now and then.

Actually funny as this may seem, I was looking for a nice pair of dress shoes tonight to wear to a dinner and the pair I wanted to wear wasn't a pair. Had to wear something else. That sucker's got to be under my bed somewhere

. Oh...me and my ADD. Sorry so long a post. Just wanted to share some of my experiences with friendship. Hope it helped a little. You've got a friend here. Dee reisa sound like we have a lot in common im glad to have the oppertunity to meet you i dont know any one in ireland with add and i was a little wound up always feel pressure from women /houses always clean children always imaculate not only women but its hard i feel as if every one has 24 hrs but i only have 4 it great to get lod off maudesorry i feel relly daft any way lela what a lovely name i also cannot be relyed on but it feels great that you heard me any way lilbitcrazy i guess i had no choice in the matter my best friend and my self lived life to the full but i had to leave that life behimd me becaue i stoped drinking when my first child ws born and my husband nd her could not see eye to eye we really hurt each other and i hope one day we will be friends again. any way i love america go to vegas as often as we cana ford the kids love it we really love the bilagioi am not great at computers so i messed up filling in profile im from ireland not the ile of manhi every one im maude i was just wondering do any of ye have trouble making and keeping friends.When i was younger i had only one friend we were friends for years but when i got married she went her own way as i was always up to my eyes looking after my two boys anyway some times i wonder why i cant make friends with people my husband has loads of married friends but their wifes never invite me any were and i get very lonley i have tried really hard but some how always mess up would like to now if any one else has this problem .im 29 but i supose im not as much fun as i used to be im trying meds at the moment but havent had any luck so far but im not expecting to gain friends when i get the right meds socially im a bit of a disaster bye for now maude

Sorry Maude I started to post and than deleted it ....I do that quite often it's usually because I don't want everyone to know how messed up I am...If I posted all my warpped thoughts OMG!!!

Welcome to the board!

I will be your friend!....Just know you can not count on me.......

Oh maude, don't give up! The right person just hasn't seen your post yet. There are a lot of really great people here. Keep reading and posting and you'll find people you can relate to.

I have no real friends either. I have a hard time connecting with people I guess. I also had a few really good friends in high school but we lost touch due to kids and families, or moved away.

Have you tried getting ahold of your old childhood friend? Maybe you can rekindle your friendship.

I have trouble making women friends. The social universe most women belong to is closed to me. I am not capable of taking a hint. Most of my friends are men, simply because they accept my more direct style of communication. It seems like whenever I try to communicate with women, I end up stepping on their toes.

I have trouble keeping friends long term. I am terrible about keeping in touch and whenever life takes someone out of my immediate universe, they sort of disappear. Not that I don't still care, I do. I just don't have the same need to "keep in touch" that seems to come more easily for other people. By the same token, I can see someone after 10 years and pick up where we left off -- if they are willing to do so.

[QUOTE=maude]ok now i really feal like a sh*t head supoe i dont fit in here ider no bad feelings [/QUOTE]

Relax! This is the board for the ones who don't fit... we just sometimes take a while to get around to it. Round-to-its are a problem, not your post!

ok now i really feal like a sh*t head supoe i dont fit in here ider no bad feelings

[QUOTE=Countrygirl]Friendships are indeed difficult for me. I can make friends easily, but can't keep them. I think hey get very confused with my mood swings. I am gregarious and outgoing, making them the center of attention,going places and having fun then I get depressed, crawl inside my shell and want to be left alone, therefore ignoring them completely for a time. Can't really blame them I confuse myself.

Welcome to the board of misfitswhere misfits fit.
[/QUOTE]

I must be you Countrygirl..Or you're me . I'm just like that!

Your not alone Maude...you have friends here ...welcome.