My son can't stand failure. I wouldn't say he is a perfectionist, just that if he makes one simple mistake like misspelling a word he will start to cry. Thankfully with the ADHD and other issues my son is not failing in school, he is about average. His ADHD holds him back from doing better no doubt. But my son gives up on anything if he doesn't do it well the first time. So sitting with im doing homework is a painful experience as he usually ends up crying through most of it if it isn't easy.
My son hates sports and doesn't want to play anything. We decided this year to make him play flag football through the YMCA and he likes it a bit better than other sports he has tried,but the same thing happens. When outside my husband was making him try and catch a football. Everytime my son missed a ball he would start crying. It got so bad he was screaming crying the whole time it was embarressing. My neighbor came over and looked in our yard to see what the heck was going on. There was my DH and my son just passing the football at each other while my son is sobbering like a baby.
What are we supposed to do? Give into our sons desire not to do anything? We got him into piano to try something different than sports and the minute it became a challenge he was ready to give up and never wanted to play again. He wants to give up everything. If he had his way al he would do is play video games, however when he "dies" in a video game or makes a mistake he can start crying and balling then as well. This is an 8 year old folks! He cries like a baby anytime he is forced to try something he thinks he cannot do.
When we were outside playing catch with the football my son actually caught a really good pass from my husband. My son actually had this faint smile of pleasure on his face. I yelled out good job,and he just looked at me and started crying like again. It is almost like we are abusing him the way he cries! And all we are doing is not letting him to nothing and fail.
My son just learned to ride a bike after the past 3 years refusing to learn because he didn't think he could do it. Amazingly now that he just learned he loves it and can't believe how easy and fun it is.
These are just examples of odd behavior in my son. Do you think we should just give in to him or keep pressing him through the embarressing tears? And anyone else deal with this behavior in their children? I wish I could tell you more examples cause I have many.
Thoughts?
Excuse me but I don't care if my son does well in all things. If he doesn't want to play sports that is fine. I don't personally care for competitive things. I don't want him to do anything he doesn't want to, but on the other hand I don't want my son to not do ANYTHING and that means learning, being educated. If I let him have his way all the time he would not have been able to read!
And as far as you saying how unfortunate it was that an adultmade my son continue the practice session at football was wrong. It wasn't about pleasing us and he knew it. In fact as soon as it was over we asked him why he cried and he said, cause it was waisting my time and went on to do something else as if he was just fine and never cried.
I am a good mother and love my son more than anything in the world. I want to help him, not hurt him. So,when asking advice I do so cause I care deeply for him. Your response was a judgemental one and not helpful to me.
And your nasty comment at the end was not needed. My son does not embarress me in the least. My son is the most precious thing in the world to me and how dare you be so rude and insulting to me.
Halls38826.6362847222.IMac38945.5417939815I'm wondering if your son is a kid with social problems. My son doesn't like to do anything because he has autistic spectrum disorder and has to be kicked in the butt to do activities. These kids are loners/socially inept and they tend to have very nararow interests, and you may want to have a Neuropsych test him. A NeuroPsych tests extensively and can diagnose ADHD and beyond. Most types of professionals don't test at all and just guess. I think I understand why you're concerned and that's why I suggest looking beyond. Obviously your son is not a typical kid and he may not even just have ADHD...could be Aspergers Syndrome. If he had speech delays/potty delays/sensory issues, he could have any sort of autistic spectrum disorder. My advice, besides retesting him, is to obviously not force him to do any sports. It's not a big deal if he doesn't like them. I have five kids and only my youngest competes in sports. If he doesn't seem to like to do ANYTHING except watch TV or play videogames, that's not normal and, rather than forcing him, I'd go with the evaluation and see what it shows. AFter the evaluation you can ask for help on appropriate activities for your child. My autistic son WILL play soccer happily and swim on the swim team, BUT if he screamed and hated it I'd never force him to do it. Those are two things we found that he does like to do, although he'd rather be at home watching television. We also enrolled him in a "Survivor" type class in summer school---sounds lots of fun, based on the show, and his nine year old sister can go with him, which helps him feel secure. Who cares if your neighbors don't like how your kid behaves? Heck, I'd probably tell him to mind his own business. Anyways, you can find NeuroPsychs thru University Hospitals and Children's Hospitals. Don't trsut pediatricians and non-MD talk therapists (other than NeuroPsychs) to diagnose your child. Most of them don't test and don't know what to look for. We had two wrong diagnoses for my son and the first one was ADHD/ODD. I'm in a group for parents of autistic kids and we refer to the Aspergers kids as "odd ducks." They are definitely different, but very endearing. My son was diagnosed wtih PDD-NOS. Good luck.
OlderMom38826.6527893519.IMac38945.5420833333[QUOTE=Halls]My son can't stand failure.
Many ADHDers are this way.
I wouldn't say he is a perfectionist, just that if he makes one simple mistake like misspelling a word he will start to cry. Thankfully with the ADHD and other issues my son is not failing in school, he is about average. His ADHD holds him back from doing better no doubt. But my son gives up on anything if he doesn't do it well the first time.
Many children in general are this way.
So sitting with im doing homework is a painful experience as he usually ends up crying through most of it if it isn't easy.
My son hates sports and doesn't want to play anything. We decided this year to make him play flag football through the YMCA
Why did you make him? If you are looking for sports for ADHDers, personally I think martial arts is super! My son loved it for four years, and it did a lot to help him with focus and concentration.
and he likes it a bit better than other sports he has tried,but the same thing happens. When outside my husband was making him try and catch a football. Everytime my son missed a ball he would start crying. It got so bad he was screaming crying the whole time it was embarressing. My neighbor came over and looked in our yard to see what the heck was going on. There was my DH and my son just passing the football at each other while my son is sobbering like a baby.
Doesn't sound to me like he likes football.
What are we supposed to do? Give into our sons desire not to do anything?
What does he do in his spare time?
We got him into piano to try something different than sports and the minute it became a challenge he was ready to give up and never wanted to play again.
I'm always suprised when an eight year old actually enjoys practicing piano or any other instrument. It's extremely tedious at that age. An option is to make the instrument available but don't make him take lessons. This may or may not work. I don't know.
He wants to give up everything. If he had his way al he would do is play video games, however when he "dies" in a video game or makes a mistake he can start crying and balling then as well.
My son had a friend who was this way.
This is an 8 year old folks!
Pretty normal for an eight year old. Yes, a bit immature, but not over the top.
He cries like a baby anytime he is forced to try something he thinks he cannot do.
Then don't force him to do it.
When we were outside playing catch with the football my son actually caught a really good pass from my husband. My son actually had this faint smile of pleasure on his face. I yelled out good job,and he just looked at me and started crying like again.
Sounds like he's trying to get attention. Try ignoring him when he cries over something like this. Just walk away, let him get himself together, and come inside when he's ready. Don't mention it to him and don't get upset.
It is almost like we are abusing him the way he cries! And all we are doing is not letting him to nothing and fail.
My son just learned to ride a bike after the past 3 years refusing to learn because he didn't think he could do it. Amazingly now that he just learned he loves it and can't believe how easy and fun it is.
Sounds like a great activity to do with your son or to let him do alone. My son did not ride a bike until he was eight, either, and he's super coordinated. Some kids just take longer with this. No biggy.
These are just examples of odd behavior in my son.
Not that odd at all, for an eight year old. He's just a little boy, trying to get attention and wanting to suceed.
Do you think we should just give in to him or keep pressing him through the embarressing tears?
If the tears are unwarranted, just walk away. Have you watched many kids sports? They cry like babies at this age. Really. Go to the YMCA and watch sometime. The boys go up to bat, miss the ball, and cry like heck. I know because my son did an assortment of sports at that age.
And anyone else deal with this behavior in their children? I wish I could tell you more examples cause I have many.
Thoughts?
[/QUOTE]Imac, sadly, I think I know where she's coming from. I used to wonder why my kid didn't want to go out and play either. I think it's more just "frustrated mom" than anything else. We all want our kids to be "normal" and when they aren't, we are baffled and scared. That's what jumped out at me. Maybe I'm wrong, but that's how I saw it.
I dont' really think not wanting to do anything is normal. That, of course, is only if he does nothing except watch TV during his spare time. Most kids engage in imaginative play, but not with ASD. They have few resources to amuse themselves. If he has ADHD alone, he should have a good enough imagination to find plenty to do in his spare time, even if it's his own imaginative play by himself.
We really do need more information.
OlderMom38826.6564699074[QUOTE=Halls]No, my son often cries when he feels he can't do something none competetive too. When we kept trying to help him learn how to ride his bike before he would even get on the seat he would throw it down, and give up crying. So,no it is not all competition that makes him cry. It is anything that he thinks is to hard and can't do it.
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Oh, I know! Everything and Anything! Tying his shoes, throwing a ball, learning to add/sub, learning to read, throwing a ball, playing a new game, learning to swing himself......so many I can't s. It's so hard watching them give up so easily without really trying.
I read once that ADHd kids are too much of everything-too much emotion, too much anger, too much sadness, too much activity/talking etc. etc. Maybe he's learned that crying is a way to get out of doing things that he doesn't want to do, because it takes too much mental energy, he's bored from it etc. My son would skip from activity to activity. He's 15 now, and if he's really, really mad he becomes tearful. He had less control when he was young, and would cry when he was frustrated. His crying is inappropriate non the less. Try using When thens: When you are finished crying then you can play video games again. When you are finished crying then we will play football, ignore it other than using a when then. Don't talk about it, or lecture, or belittle. Good Luck, it will take some time to get him to express his emotions, rather than acting it out by crying. Encourage him to tell you when he is feeling frustrated, or angry before he starts to cry.
Our son could not do sports before but now he is doing better since we have tried at a older age than before. He is better at individual stuff though. Our son frustirates easily also. He will just shut down and scribble on his papers. This the main reason he is moving to a Smaller SE class for all day at another school. Education he hates any ways or anything that lookes like school. I just reteach it the easy way and say to bad if school staff get mad for him doing it this way. The end result is what matters most anyhow. RNHalls, I understand perfectly what you are saying.
My 10 yr ds shows no real interest in anything. It is frustrating and heartbreaking. He has tried soccer, baseball and swimming, the only things he's agreed to try and disliked them all. It became a struggle to get him to practice and games because as soon as something becomes a little difficult he's ready to quit.
You don't want your child to think they can quit just because it becomes a bit harder, when they have to apply themselves. I keep hoping he will find that one thing that gets him going, that excites him and gives him a feeling of success. I fear for his future, in that he will aimlessly drift through life unwilling/or able to commit for fear of failure. I'm worried that if he doesn't find a positive interest that he will be more susceptible to the negative behaviour and abuses that teens are faced with.
My ds doesn't cry (use too on occasion), but he whines and gets angry. He will refuse to listen or except any advice, help or tips on how to improve whatever the problem may be which adds to the frustration.
I just keep presenting him with options and try to encourage him without pushing hoping that one day something will click and get him so excited that he will start to feel successful because he gave all that he could and did his best.
i mentioned this in another post but i was just reading in a child's book on 'your body and mind' about how the male mind (stereotypically) is more systematic and the female mind more empathetic...My doughter (9),/ we just started evaluation for ADHD/ wanted bicycle, so I try to learn her how to ride it.
After a two sec she fall of, finding invisible wound and start to cry so loud, neigbours thougt she broke something. Her motor skills are so pure, but even when she supposed to learn something easily, she allways say I CANT DO IT.
Its hard to ignore her crying couse it is soooo loud. Sometimes think neighbour will call police just to find out that she dont want to make homework or that mosquito bite her, or she bite her own tongue or something else so minor that other kids wouldnt even notice that.
Sometimes I think I spoiled her, sometimes blamed ADHD, but it could be so frustrating when your neighbours bang at the walls looking for silence.
She is so sweet girl when she want to. Just hope that I will find enough energy to raise her in decent person.
Halls, I sent you a private message.No, my son often cries when he feels he can't do something none competetive too. When we kept trying to help him learn how to ride his bike before he would even get on the seat he would throw it down, and give up crying. So,no it is not all competition that makes him cry. It is anything that he thinks is to hard and can't do it.
As for treatment for myself for all of my issues, I've had plenty of it without medication growing up and into my adulthood.
Thanks for those who understand where I am coming from.I just want to help my baby and understand him better so I can help him.
Halls, I related well to your post. My 8 year old son's favorite phrase is "I can't", even before he has tried. He cries easily with perceived failing (often he is getting it right, it just takes long). If he does not cry when not getting something right, he becomes very angry.
His report card for Grade 2 stated that he gives up too easily.
I feel that my son's fear of a situation is what is telling him he can't do something. Sometimes I feel my husband had a hand in that by being impatient with him when he did not get it right first time. After all, a child can only hear so many times that he can't get it right before he starts to believe it. That comment is soley about my own situation and not directed to you whatsoever.
I have begun to walk away and ignore the crying that is attention based, as Lilian suggested - he usually gets himself together.
Homework is very frustrating too. Especially math. He will tell me he can't work it out before he has even tried. I have begun to let him take his time. Unfortunately, it is catch 22 as he can't afford to take take like this at school.
I really do understand your frustration and your love for your son really stands out. As you said, not all days are bad!
Ok, yes the school and my sons teacher feels my son may have some social disorders as well and as soon as I can get my son into this darned Neuro Pysch I will soon find out for sure.
Oldermom, yes you understand me a bit more. I'm so frustrated and scared beyond anything I've ever dealt with, and that is including myself and my childhood disabilites. I was never medicated growing up and not fully diagnosed with all that was likely wrong with me and I don't want my son faced with that ever.
Also, I would like to explain that my son doesn't dislike flag football entirely, in fact at yesterdays practice he did great and and made effort. We don't expect our son to be a pro. We are proud of him when he makes efforts only. We have decided after this season is over we will only play sports again if my son wants. The piano thing was just an experiment to see if we could help our boy find something else he likes to do. Obviously this wasn't for him.
As far as interests my son likes to play with his brother with cars, trains, ride his scooter, and now his bike. He likes TV and video games, likes to rollerskate, and ice skate. There are many more things my son likes so it isn't that he is dull and doesn't like anything. I'm very proud of all of his accomplishments.
Anyhow, I'm in the learning process of what is good to do for my son and what is not. This has been a bumpy road,somemistakes have been made, but that doesn't mean I haven't had my sons best interest in mind. I love him dearly.
And Imac, I don't think I need to rewrite what I said to youor to anyone to change your view. If you want to have such a negative opinion of me than frankly I don't care. I know who I am and how much I love my son. In fact he just came over to me just now and told me he loves me and seems very happy so I must be doing something right! NOt all days around here are bad.
[QUOTE=Halls]As far as interests my son likes to play with his brother with cars, trains, ride his scooter, and now his bike. He likes TV and video games, likes to rollerskate, and ice skate. There are many more things my son likes so it isn't that he is dull and doesn't like anything. I'm very proud of all of his accomplishments.
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Interestingly, none of the things you mentioned involve competing, except for video games, which you said previously upset him when he lost. Does he cry when he's skating, riding his bike or his scooter, or playing with his little brother?
.IMac38945.5424189815I read through some of the posts here and my one suggestion is to "set your child up for success" and then applaud it reinforcing the "can do" spirit. The only time I have seen my ADHD son cry like this were two times... when I encouraged my dh to help him with practicing the piano or math. DH is an extremely patient person, but does not know how to break a task down and give positive reinforcement at each step of the way. Another factor may be the admiration that he has for his dad. These kids are so special in that throughout the day they are challenged to fit in, so that trying to push them can be too much. Follow their lead and provide support.
From a different perspective, my youngest non ADHD son never wanted to participate in anything competitive or do any after school group activities (sports, music, art, dance etc.) I always heard "I just want to stay home." He appeared very happy and just liked doing his own thing. I figured it was due to being dragged around to the older sibs activities and their successful goal oriented behavior. He tried a couple of activities, but really could care less. In fourth grade he finally was ready and enjoyed martial arts with a terrific teacher for him. That gave him the confidence to participate in soccer the following year and start learning the electric bass which he has continued for four years.
Each in their own time.
jfla238828.3644791667my daughter (8yrs old) acts like ur son & she has mild aspergers.......[QUOTE=IMac] [QUOTE=Halls]My son can't stand failure. I wouldn't say he is a perfectionist, just that if he makes one simple mistake like misspelling a word he will start to cry. He is putting a lot of pressure on himself and wants to do well. Thankfully with the ADHD and other issues my son is not failing in school, he is about average. His ADHD holds him back from doing better no doubt. But my son gives up on anything if he doesn't do it well the first time. Has he failed at many things in the past? So sitting with im doing homework is a painful experience as he usually ends up crying through most of it if it isn't easy.
My son hates sports and doesn't want to play anything. Most young ADHDers don't do well at "team" sports. Not every kid is athletically inclined. We decided this year to make him play flag football through the YMCA and he likes it a bit better than other sports he has tried,but the same thing happens. When outside my husband was making him try and catch a football. Everytime my son missed a ball he would start crying. It got so bad he was screaming crying the whole time it was embarressing. How unfortunate that an adult didn't stop the practice session. He obviously wants to please his parents or he wouldn't have continued this stressful session. My neighbor came over and looked in our yard to see what the heck was going on. There was my DH and my son just passing the football at each other while my son is sobbering like a baby.
What are we supposed to do? Give into our sons desire not to do anything? We got him into piano to try something different than sports and the minute it became a challenge he was ready to give up and never wanted to play again. He wants to give up everything. If he had his way al he would do is play video games, however when he "dies" in a video game or makes a mistake he can start crying and balling then as well. This is an 8 year old folks! He cries like a baby anytime he is forced to try something he thinks he cannot do.
When we were outside playing catch with the football my son actually caught a really good pass from my husband. My son actually had this faint smile of pleasure on his face. I yelled out good job,and he just looked at me and started crying like again. It is almost like we are abusing him the way he cries! And all we are doing is not letting him to nothing and fail.
My son just learned to ride a bike after the past 3 years refusing to learn because he didn't think he could do it. Amazingly now that he just learned he loves it and can't believe how easy and fun it is.
These are just examples of odd behavior in my son. Do you think we should just give in to him or keep pressing him through the embarressing tears? And anyone else deal with this behavior in their children? One would have to set up this situation in order for the behaviour to occur. Why is it so important to you that your son do all of these things? I wish I could tell you more examples cause I have many.
Thoughts?
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How unfortunate that your son embarrasses you.
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wth was that? and you work w/aspergers.....come on!