older relatives and their advices ii | ADHD Information

Some members of my family used to make unappreciated comments about what I was or wasn't doing with my son.  When I kept them updated on everything that was going on they began to realize that we were doing the right thing.  Unfortunately for some of the relatives, that much effort is just not worth it.  They'll never get it.  My husband and I live with his parents and it has proven to be a help most of the time but even though they're here to see just about everything, they still come up with uninvited suggestions.  I ignore them and have made a pact with my husband that we do not discuss with them certain things regarding my son.  It's clear to them that we don't want their comments or suggestions unless we ask.


It is challenging when everyone lives together and boundaries have to be respected. Hi there.  I haven't posted in a while but thought I'd make quick response.  My parents, my mother-in-law, and extended in law family are extremely judgmental, critical, and have holier-than-thou attitudes that make them infallible "perfect" parents of "perfect children" and me and my husband the "lowly" parents of an autistic, adhd child, that is difficult to understand and of course difficult to control, which only made things worse when I told them that he was diagnosed as autistic with adhd.  After many years of crying and trying to explain the child's diagnosis to "them" because they "think they know how it is to live with a difficult child as they offer nonapplicable, simple solutions (a good spanking or whack) and/or offer their own theories as to why the child acts the way he does (he's spoiled), I have come to the conclusion that if you haven't walked in my shoes raising this child for one day, you simply have no standing to judge me.  Nowadays, I just simply blow them off by not acknowleding their unsolicited advice.  It's not worth it, and, frankly, they don't know what they're talking about.  I live with this child day in, day out.  They don't.  Good luck to you and hang in there.  Raise your head up high and be strong!  Your child is awfully lucky to have you as his mother.  Please remember that. 

I know the feeling all to well.  Over New Years Weekend we had some issues with my hubby's family, needless to say, here we are the end of April and we still have no contact with the uncle/aunt that gave us problems and critized us and worst of all OUR SON.  We have no place for people like them in our lives or hearts any more.

It's ashame but it's what's best for us and our son.

I wish you good luck with your situation.

they are a pain in the butt ,the funny thing is they asked for alana to spend some time with them,when we jokinly mentionned jude they all responded with a shocked NO,I would not leave him as he is only 4 but at the same time it proves that they could not cope with him.i think it is more that they don't understand ADHD that them being nasty. Unfortunately, lots of people end up limiting contact even with family. The alternative is to change the subject, tell the family member you won't discuss it (then stick to it--they bring it up, you change the subject or, if on the phone, terminate the call) or not see them at all. You can't control what they think, but you can control who you deal with and what you will talk about when you converse with others. I really got tired of this before my son was diagnosed with autism. The ADHD dx. just didn't "do it" for my family and we had to hear this all the time. We backed off from a lot of people since it was stressful enough just to take care of our son. Scotlands nice . We know what you mean about relatives me and Scotmama will try to avoid family outings where we know we will get verbally bashed now as its pushing our boundries as to how we will respond.

Get used to it for it never changes.  I had it out with my brother-in-law last week who told me it does not exist that it is what we are putting into my childs life is why she does what she does.  I was even told we need to discipline more and mind you the jerk saw the psychologists diagnosis.  Last week ended with my telling him off and the next time I saw him I got the evil eye and brushed him off.  My family acts like they understand but I often wonder they are too wrapped up with my sister crying about my brat nephew who only has auditory processing only and is doing well.  They act like it is more serious than ADHD and to top things off he is mean to his cousin which I do not like

My solution I am considering moving away from all family and starting over somewhere else.

 i do not like visiting relatives it is now official.we went to see hubby's family,ds was actually quite behaved also hyper and all over the place.his great aunt was trying to understand but also she acknowledge that he has ADHD.She seems to think that it is because i am too soft on him.(my personnal favorite that one)just tell him no ,what he needs his a good smack.you just give in to him too much.ect....I just nod,blank it out and just say yes.i am tired of trying to explain.then it was my hubby's turn,his uncle had a cracker for us."he will grow out of it,just be firm"that is a new one !then he turned round and said that it was my hubby's fault for working offshore,"the boy needs a father there all the time".Actually hubby sees more of the family working offshore. My mother is coming next month and i am happy as i have not seen her for 4 years at the same time i know she is going to do my head in because she also think jude's ADHD is my fault.

I have a cousin who is an RN and she spent 10 minutes at our last family reunion talking with my son and then went about  telling me and anyone who would listen that he was not ADHD or he wouldn't be able to have an intelligent discussion for so long. Geesh! I have had him tested twice by two different people with the same results but because he can talk like he has a brain, he must be spoiled and not ADHD.

My advice. Learn to brush it off and keep on going. Don't expose your son to anyone who is saying or doing hurtful things to or in front of him. I don't care who they are, mother or what. Your son is your first proprity.

he doesn't understand french so he won't get hurt,my mum woul not say anything to him anyway,she is going to spoil him and my girl when she is here as the last time she saw jude was when he was born.she will tell me what she thinks but as she does not speak english hubby and i can say what we want about herwe only see his aunties once a year so that is good.

lovemyboy i am sorry your mum is so  unfeeling towards your son and his condition.it seems to me she would be like that even if your son did not have ADHD.at least you have your father.i am lucky it is just misunderstanding ,all of them are very nice to jude and say he is lovely.they probably know i would rip them apart if they said anything to him.i am renown in the family for my bad temper.

there is alwawys somebody who knows better than you and the doctors and you are all right.i just have to learn to ignore them.thank you.

Scotmama:

Just keep telling yourself : There is no one on this earth that knows or loves your child more than you.  You know what's best for him - period.

People (especially family) can think they are giving advice and are being helpful, when all they are being is royal pains in the @#* !    I think the best thing you can do when they day something is to tell them that you are doing what is best for your child so please don't judge.  And if you have to - avoid the people that really make you mad.  It might be hard at first, especially if it is someone you are close with, but I think you will se that life will be easier without that kind of extra "help".

Just remember we are all behind you and support you - those of us who are going through the day to day struggles understand.

Good Luck!

My mom won't let us come for a visit. She lives 3 hours away by car. She drives but I don't. We used to go by bus. Anyhow my mom's house is sparkling clean. I don't know if she is afraid of him breaking something. I could see him maybe doing  that when he was younger.

She comes up here a few times a year for a few hours. We have gone out for dinner with my stepfather and her. They like to go out to Swiss Chalet. My mom doesn't have much patience with Brandon when he gets bored and hungry. She has told him that she would take him out to the car. He used to ask the waitress questions like what time she is done. My mom told him to let the adults do the talking and not to ask questions.

I thought she would understand his ADHD. She used to be a teacher and then a principal. Anyhow my stepfather was a principal also. He has more patience with Brandon.

I am just as happy not seeing them too often.

My dad lives in another province. He was here in the summer for a few days. He is  much more laid back. I asked him if we could visit this summer. He said anytime. We have gone out to see them twice before. I am more comfortable at my stepmother and dad's place.

What's worked for me is just to say it's not up for discussion.  If I had to go any farther than that, I'd just break off contact.  We're all too busy and life's too short!

Welcome, Scotdaddy!

Relatives don't always support what we parents have found out about our Special child. They are uneducated on special kids. A long time ago these kids were just put aside and not dealth with at all. Today the effects of disorders is much better known and others still need education on how this effects their whole life. I ignore all the uneducated peoples remarks.

RN