behavioral therapy

Okay, I'm going to put my .02 in here, please don't bash me to death, because I'm only giving my own personal advice.

We did Wrap Around Services in my home twice. I also took an 8 week parenting course and had an Intensive Family Service team working with us. Within a 2 year time frame, I had people in and out of my home almost daily.

The first time the Wrap Around came, it didn't work. Why? Because I was insistant the problems were my CHILDREN, not me. They tried to show me techniques and skills, and I ignored them. I told them they were crazy, if my kids would just LISTEN life would be fine. If I told my dad to shut up when I was 9, my teeth would have been scrambled in my face. You don't disrespect your parents, you do as I say, not as I do, YOU LISTEN TO ME!

Well, that blew up in my face.

The 2nd time we did Wrap Around, it was with a new agency, and we had a new behavioral specialist come into the house. He had a dry erase board to mark all of the behaviors he saw with Dylan (he was hired for Dylan, I wasn't having problems with the the little guy and my oldest was out of the house). Well, wouldn't you know, he had a dry erase board for me too. I was too short fused. I wasn't firm and consistent with my consequences. I didn't offer appropriate, routine rewards for good behaviors. The list goes on and on and on for days LOL!

Behavioral modification IS a whole family change. Know that if this doesn't work for you, there is NO pill that is going to make your child listen and obey your rules. There are pills to calm them down, pills to help with depression, pills to help with anxiety, pills for Bipolar, ADHD, the whole deal, but NOTHING is going to make them listen.

So, what this person is telling you is that you need to learn a new way to parent your child. You don't have to tell me anything about spoiling them, my youngest is 7, has been through three 11 hour open heart surgeries and didn't walk for 3 years. I spoiled him rotten, but when I tell him to take out the garbage, he doesn't give me any lip. It took me two years to get to that point with all my kids.

IMHO, I wouldn't take it as a beating. I would take what this person is telling you as insight toward the way you are handling your child and offering you a new way to handle things. If you get someone really good to work with you, it can make a huge difference in your life.

My son is "complex" - I have a kid that had 3 hour rages. Bipolar, PDD, ADHD - his head was exploding. And I have no problems with him now at all.

If you are "soft" know that your child knows this. Dylan would throw tantrums because he knew I didn't feel like dealing with them, and would ultimately give in. I had to change his way of thinking about that, which meant I had to stop giving in to the tantrums. We did charts, rewards, consequences, what I said I meant and that was that, no further discussion. He could throw a rage, but what I told him I wanted done was going to get done and in the end, when the rage was over, he still had to do what I told him to.

Wasn't easy to get to this point, but I had to change ME. I don't think the person was being nasty to you, I think with behavior mod, all parents need to take a good, long hard look in the mirror. I hope I don't come off offensive, that isn't my intention, I had to do it to myself, and I realized my parenting skills were in the toilet.

Janna

Okay, I'm going to put my .02 in here, please don't bash me to death, because I'm only giving my own personal advice.

We did Wrap Around Services in my home twice. I also took an 8 week parenting course and had an Intensive Family Service team working with us. Within a 2 year time frame, I had people in and out of my home almost daily.

The first time the Wrap Around came, it didn't work. Why? Because I was insistant the problems were my CHILDREN, not me. They tried to show me techniques and skills, and I ignored them. I told them they were crazy, if my kids would just LISTEN life would be fine. If I told my dad to shut up when I was 9, my teeth would have been scrambled in my face. You don't disrespect your parents, you do as I say, not as I do, YOU LISTEN TO ME!

Well, that blew up in my face.

The 2nd time we did Wrap Around, it was with a new agency, and we had a new behavioral specialist come into the house. He had a dry erase board to mark all of the behaviors he saw with Dylan (he was hired for Dylan, I wasn't having problems with the the little guy and my oldest was out of the house). Well, wouldn't you know, he had a dry erase board for me too. I was too short fused. I wasn't firm and consistent with my consequences. I didn't offer appropriate, routine rewards for good behaviors. The list goes on and on and on for days LOL!

Behavioral modification IS a whole family change. Know that if this doesn't work for you, there is NO pill that is going to make your child listen and obey your rules. There are pills to calm them down, pills to help with depression, pills to help with anxiety, pills for Bipolar, ADHD, the whole deal, but NOTHING is going to make them listen.

So, what this person is telling you is that you need to learn a new way to parent your child. You don't have to tell me anything about spoiling them, my youngest is 7, has been through three 11 hour open heart surgeries and didn't walk for 3 years. I spoiled him rotten, but when I tell him to take out the garbage, he doesn't give me any lip. It took me two years to get to that point with all my kids.

IMHO, I wouldn't take it as a beating. I would take what this person is telling you as insight toward the way you are handling your child and offering you a new way to handle things. If you get someone really good to work with you, it can make a huge difference in your life.

My son is "complex" - I have a kid that had 3 hour rages. Bipolar, PDD, ADHD - his head was exploding. And I have no problems with him now at all.

If you are "soft" know that your child knows this. Dylan would throw tantrums because he knew I didn't feel like dealing with them, and would ultimately give in. I had to change his way of thinking about that, which meant I had to stop giving in to the tantrums. We did charts, rewards, consequences, what I said I meant and that was that, no further discussion. He could throw a rage, but what I told him I wanted done was going to get done and in the end, when the rage was over, he still had to do what I told him to.

Wasn't easy to get to this point, but I had to change ME. I don't think the person was being nasty to you, I think with behavior mod, all parents need to take a good, long hard look in the mirror. I hope I don't come off offensive, that isn't my intention, I had to do it to myself, and I realized my parenting skills were in the toilet.

Janna

It might be things that you are doing differently - not wrong. Keep in mind that these challenging children we have think and learn alot different than a normal child. For example, with my 7 year old, he'll say "mommy can I have a cookie before dinner?" and my reply is, obviously "no". Where with Dylan, he'll say "mommy can I have a cookie before dinner" and with him, I have to say "hey, Dylan, I'll make you a deal, if you eat all your dinner, I'll give you TWO cookies". Then he'll stop and re-think that one thru. I can't just say "no". Ever. Not with him.

We used alot of charts and rewards here - started very small, one little task, then worked our way up to where now, I don't need the charts for anything other than chores. For example, I would make the chart for 7 days, and tell Dylan he would have to do his homework right after school. For every day he did his homework right after school, he would get a reward. Typical rewards are small, something from the Dollar Store, extra time on the Playstation II, computer time, alone time with me, a trip to the library. Then as he was getting the hang of it, I'd say, okay Dylan, if you get 5 out of 7 stars, THEN you get the reward. And I did this until it was routine for him, and he was getting 7 stars for every day of the week. Then I'd add another task. Do homework and get a shower. That would be 14 stars for the week. Okay, if you get 10 out of 14, I will give you xyz. I did that until he was getting 14 and it became routine. Gradually, over alot of time, I added more and more until most everything was routine.

Now, I don't need the charts. The deal is, no Playstation, no computer, no outside until the homework is done. Cry, rage, throw your fit, that's it - I say it, say no more. Now, he does his homework as soon as he walks through the door. It's habit. Same with everything else thru the day.

One other thing that worked for Dylan was a "GOOD JAR". I took a jar and put his name on (I learned this thru behavior mod, ditto with the charts). For every time he was caught being good or doing something after being told only once, I put a dime in. For every time he was defiant or didn't listen, or didn't do something he was told, I took a dime out. At the end of the week, what was left he could spend or save.

I learned a whole heck of a lot from the behavior mod. I don't think you should tune this person out, honestly, they sound like they want to help. It's just much harder when you have a child with an illness - and you have to learn to "cushion" what you say and present yourself in a different way.

Hugs,

Janna

We tried the charts but he is not 4 yet and our psy said there was no point as he is too young to understand.we did the marbles in a jar,then he got frustrated because he wanted them all to play with.it is true that alana is very different from jude.we will try the behavioral therapy and keep our minds open