New here - feeling like an evil stepmom. | ADHD Information

Jodih,

I can definately sympathize with you.  My son has those kind of mornings all the time.  In the beginning, I felt like I was the "MEAN MOM" and he would tell me that all the time.  I took him to a Psychologist at Vanderbilt.  He did a psychoneurological exam and we found out that he has ADHD, OCD, Anxiety Disorder and a Language Learning Disability.  Since then I have been able to see that maybe there are times he can't help what he does.  The difference is I think he is really sorry for what he does not just that he gets in trouble.  He will say, "Mom, I don't know why I do that stuff.  I want to stop."  It also doesn't help that his favorite toys/movies/etc. is Star Wars.  That just pumps him up more and more and makes him very aggressive.  He is on Focalin XR 10mg for his ADHD and recently the DR. put him on meds for anxiety disorder.  It made him so much worse. 

Hey everyone - I just found this board this morning and it's great to have a place to come and meet people who actually understand the type of things I'm going through!

My stepson is 10 years old and he has ADHD. He first came to live with us full-time when he finished grade 1, and he had been on ritalin for nearly a year.

I was always disappointed that he was put on medication before any other methods were even attempted, so the first year he was here, we tried everything we could find that didn't involve a precription.  Different diets, herbal remedies, etc, but nothing provided any results that we could actually notice.

In grade 3, we started trying medications.  He has been on different doses of ritalin.  We moved him up to concerta, with minimal results, and just over a month ago he started taking strattera.

The good news is, we finally seem to be seeing more positive results and I think we may have the medicine we need, but now we need to find the right dose.  The teacher told me that his emotional outbursts have stopped, but he still spends too much time distracting the other students.

This morning was terrible.  We had one of those incidents that happens every so often where I end up feeling like the evil stepmom.  I love him to pieces, but he seems to find nerves I didn't even know that I had and pounce on them.

I got mad at him at breakfast for not using his hands to drink - he was tipping his glass on the side of the table and just holding it up with his chin.  I asked him to stop, and he made more of a show of what he was doing, so I got angry.  He ran to his room and did his normal routine of trying to cover himself up, play with things... anything to try and tune me out.  I'm so sick of that behavior and normally I would ignore it and wait until he wanted to act appropriately before I would talk to him.  For some reason today, I decided not to put up with it.  I grabbed every blanket away from him and kept them out of his reach.  I put him on his bed, in the corner, and told him he needed to stay there until he calmed down.  I told him over and over that he wasn't to move or touch anything until he could calm down.  He reached down to grab something to fidget with - I took it away and threw it out of the room (making his temper worse of course).  I kept repeating how I would let him out of the corner as soon as he figured out how to calm himself down.  I don't know how members here feel about spanking, and it's something you will not see often in my home, but I actually spanked him.  I did my best to keep my voice calm and just keep telling him that I love him and I just needed him to calm down.  As I was slipping off the end of my rope, and was sure I would lose my temper completely, something incredible happened.

He started to calm down.  He stopped trying to fight his way out of the corner.  He was REALLY mad at me, but he got himself settled down.  Much quicker than I ever would have thought possible.  I had tried this sort of "not putting up with it" tactic well over a year ago, but it didn't work at all and I hadn't intended on trying it again.  I'm a bit stunned that it actually seemed to work.  I do have to believe that the strattera he is now taking definately helped him settle down, which I think is a great sign that we might finally be on the right track.

I got off his bed - and he still didn't make any moves to get up and run away from me or hide or anything like he would normally do.  He sat there and actually waited until I told him he could get up.

Within 2 minutes, he was his normal happy self - but calm.  I helped him finish getting ready for school.  I reminded him how much he is loved, gave him big hugs (he's 10 but he still loves lots of hugs) and told him how proud I was that he was able to get himself under control.  I told him that it was proof that he is able to control his own actions and that I know he's going to do his best to have a great day at school.  He left in a great mood, I think he felt proud of himself, and he seemed determined to try and stay in his desk as much as possible today.

In some ways I feel proud and that we actually made some progress.  Mostly though, I still feel like the evil stepmom.  I hate the fact that I spanked him.  I hate that I actually forced him into the corner.  I hate the way he looked at me when he'd actually look.  I hate the way he was crying and it made me want to do nothing but just hold him and help him stop.  I feel that if my husband would have seen me forcing him into the corner like that or spanking him that it would have caused a huge argument.

It's 10 am and I'm exhausted already.   I have a son also who will be 3 in a month, and I feel like I don't have any strength left for him today.

I'm not looking for anyone to tell me that what I did was right or wrong.  I have mixed feelings about it - but I'm still struggling with this too and I'm learning as I go.  I'm just looking for others who have been there too. 

I'm scared because he's nearly 11 - we're closing in on teenage years and I feel that if we can't get a grip on his behavior now that we never will.

He's put us through so much in the last few months.  He's not allowed to use the phone now without permission because he was calling 1-900 numbers to get himself some type of "credits" for an online game.  He's not allowed internet without supervision because he has taken both my mastercard and my husband's Visa to make "upgrades" at some type of other game (luckily we got those refunded).  He's not allowed out after 7pm anymore because the last time he had permission to go to a friend's after supper, he told his friend he was allowed to sleepover.  It was midnight when I found him.  What scares me is that he really doesn't seem to understand why any of this behavior is wrong.  He was sorry that he got into trouble - but not sorry for his actions.  He's lost the PS2 out of his room because he was getting up in the middle of the night and watching movies until 6 am, then not being able to get up for school.  He has no toys in his room because he plays at bedtime.  We've had to lock cupboards because he sneaks treats (by the dozens) and I find loads of wrappers under his mattress or behind his dresser.  He has absolutely no respect for his own or anyone else's things, so not only does he have to touch and play with everything, he usually breaks it.  There is even a hole in the hallway by his room my husband made one night when my stepson stomped on his last nerve.  He lies constantly and says he can't help it and I just have zero tolerance for lying.

Even as I write this, it makes me think that he's just a bad kid because he must have bad parents. I'm tired of all my friends with "normal" kids telling me that we have to be stricter... have to take more away from him.  We have nothing left to take away and I don't know how much stricter we can be.  I don't really care if others THINK that we are "bad" parents, but I certainly don't want to BE a bad parent. 

Thanks everyone for letting me vent - I'm sure I can find some great advice and great people in this forum and I hope to have the time to be here regularly.  Hopefully next time I visit, I'm not feeling quite so angry with myself.

Jodi (newbie)
I wouldn't have spanked him, but you did and he'll live. Other than that, who diagnosed him and what sort of doctor diagnosed ADHD? More could be going on than ADHD, which could be why he is playing with credit cards. If he hasn't seen a NeuroPsych, I highly recommend that. He/she does intensive testing and can diagnose ADHD and beyond. He sounds a bit defiant for just ADHD. I don't know what's in his psychiatric or neurological background, but if there are mood problems or substance abuse with any of the bio. parents, that's a red flag for "more" than ADHD. You're right, he's getting older and a re-evaluation by an A-1 professional before the teen years is a really good idea. More things show up as they get older and the treatments for just ADHD are different than for other ones. My daughter has three ADHD friends who are very dear to her and they hang around the house a lot. Although they can be snotty to each other, they aren't disrespectful to adults and in no way are they prone to long rages. Meltdowns, yes. Rages, no. They are all on Straterra and, while more difficult than the average kid, not horrible problems (their moms are good friends of mine). Also, remember that the role of stepparent is hard. My hub is one. Kids don't always accept the stepparent, although it sounds as if you're super with this little boy. All in all, I'd re-evaluate him before that magic age 13. After 12 or 13, they can spiral out of control if not diagnosed and treated right and things can get worse. I believe in preventative measures :) You are NOT a bad parent. Your child is just wired differently than other kids, and needs additonal help. Don't listen to these "friends." Good luck. OlderMom38835.523599537Thank you for that - thinking of it that way helps.

As for mentally stronger, I feel I have a long way to go there.  Somedays it's hard to remember to take a few minutes out just to keep myself in order.

Yesterday my stepson was late coming home from school because he had to talk with the Vice Principal about being disrespectful to a teacher.  He walked away while she was trying to talk to him.

The problem we have is that he is sorry he got into trouble - but he's not sorry for being disrespectful.  He doesn't learn from his mistakes because he never seems to understand what he did wrong. 

I already love this forum because there are a lot of members who have been spending their lives dealing with the same symptoms he has.  I'm hoping they can help me better understand how his mind works, so I can have an easier time dealing with him properly.  Any advice on how to help him understand "respect" and "consequence" would be greatly appreciated.  All punishing him does is make him sorry that he got caught - but doesn't stop him from making the same mistakes over and over.  I guess I'm just looking for a fresh approach to help him learn how to act appropriately in different situations.
don't feel bad jodih --- as an adult ADDer i recognise that it actually helps me when i know there is no question (it HAS to be done) i cannot get away with it.

i think by being so strong with your stepson you helped him defeat himself (if i can put it that way).  i spend my life fighting with my brain --- and when i can see i can get away with things then it makes it all the harder for me not to let that side of my brain kick in and self-sabotage me.  does that make sense at all?

there was a great post a while back by josh someone --- who mentioned that his wife's OCD really helped him.  her disorder (being somewhat stronger than his i guess) meant that he HAD to put the cups back at a 45 degree angle.  he HAD to fold the towels in a certain way.

honestly, that helps!  that helps you overcome YOUR impulses - and that's what we need to learn, isn't it?  it is HARD for us and i think it is good for people to realise that those impulses we have are not deliberate, wilful disobedience (or what they call ODD) toward the parent but more toward ourselves, our self-sabotaging selves!

you have to be mentally stronger than your step-son in order to be able to help him.  and you were.  i don't think you have anything to beat yourself up over.  honestly.

i think you did a great job and he is lucky to have you in his life to help him combat his ADD. 


chjones38835.0337731481Thanks for that advice mom - he sees his pediatrician every 2 weeks mainly because now we are trying to see if Stattera is going to help, and see if we can find the right dose.  He says he feels it is helping and he is concentrating better.  Actually, for the first time that I've noticed, he bought home some math problems for homework.  These would normally make him struggle and stare at a blank page, but today he didn't have any problems with them.  That's more the type of progress we would like to see.

He has been diagnosed by several pediatricians (I wasn't happy with just getting one opinion).  The school is supposed to be getting him set up with some sort of psychologist, but I haven't actually looked into a Neuro-Psych - and I certainly will look into doing that.  As for the spanking, I wasn't exactly proud of it, but I was raised by parents who believed there was nothing wrong with a quick smack on the butt so I have to admit I've never been against occasional spanking.  My mom always told me she never spanked to hurt, but her kids would usually respond to the sound.  Thinking back on it, I think she was right because I don't remember any pain to her spankings but I sure remember the sound of the smack!  All I was really going for was something to truly grab his attention - I would never do anything to any child if I actually believed I would hurt them.  I hope I didn't make myself sound like a horrible person for spanking - I know there are a lot of mixed feelings out there on that subject.

One of the main things that worries me about him is that his mother basically gave him to us, and she's had little to do with him ever since.  She had an older son (not my husband's) who was getting into theft and drugs, so since my stepson was also a handful, she asked if he could come live with us for a year or so.  That was nearly 4 years ago.  In that entire time, he has spent 10 days with her.  She got married 2 years ago in Mexico and he wasn't invited - has not seen her since a year before the wedding.  So far this year she has called twice.

She lives far from us - about a 2-day drive and continues to make excuses as to why he can't even come and visit.  No money, nobody to help look after him, etc.  All poor excuses in my opinion, but we are very careful to never say anything bad about her.  She loves him, but she treats him like an inconvenience and he's starting to feel it.  He always tries to convince us that this doesn't bother him, but I can't believe that.  This is an issue I'm hoping he will be willing to discuss with someone because I really think it will help him to talk about it.  I try often to talk to him about it, but it's just not the kind of thing he's comfortable discussing with me so I'm trying to find someone he would be willing to talk to.

I have seen posts regarding Strattera and how it can take 6 weeks to notice much difference, and we're not quite there yet.  As for the credit cards, I do have to say that is one thing that he does seem to realize why what he did was wrong.  I don't think we need to worry about that anymore, although we are a little extra cautious right now about keeping temptation away from him.

Thank you for the Neuro-Psych idea - I will talk to his pediatrician and we'll get started on that.  I do believe his diagnosis is a proper one.  He was first diagnosed when he was 5 and still living with his mom.  And we do definately notice a huge difference from days where is takes medication and days he forgets.  I really hope the Strattera works - it seems to be making a better difference than the ritalin or concerta did.  I'm certainly ready to enjoy at least a little piece of mind before those teenage years start.

Jodi