1st trip to principal- how do I punish? | ADHD Information

Just got home from work.

oldtimer - he didn't take the toy gun to school, we made it very clear to him that he can not take it anywhere, only play at home, and to never point it at people, he can shoot deers, squirrels and dinosaurs. He used his hand to pretend it's a gun.

The kids were already asleep before dh came home. He didn't say much at all, when I showed him the note. Just a shoulder shrugg and a Oh well. I told him that i took the gun away, he asked me why. Explained to him that no gameboy or no TV, Jacob wouldn't care very much, because the gun is new and his favorite right now. So, thats fine with my husband.

Well----orginally--he got ASD ruled out at 3.5yo. They said he was "too social" and wanted to make friends--so he couldn't be autistic. At that time the developmental Dr and the psychologist agreed with each other. But---the SLP didn't. She found his language disorder and thought he was on the spectrum. At that time we started seeing a neuropsych for therapy. She finally told us we needed to go to a psychiatrist for possible meds. We found one that took our insurance. He was new---only 1 year out of school. After me researching every day since the kid was 18 mo old---I thought he was either on the spectrum or bipolar. This pdoc didn't believe that childhood bipolar existed. He dx him with anxiety and put the poor kid on prozac. After 1 month of mania, a broken elbow and 2 surgeries----we took him off. Then the dumb pdoc started him on celexa. It was a very low dose and did nothing. When it was increased after 6 weeks---he went into hypomania. The pdoc took him off and said all his behaviors are due to his frustration from the language disorder and told us to come back in 4 months. Well--I was 100% sure that it wasn't due to language. So we went to the pdoc our neuropsych recommended and paid out of pocket. Finally--after months on a waiting list---he got dx with bipolar, anxiety and his language disorder at 5yo. At that time he "fit" the ASD criteria, but we were going to wait and see if he outgrew the signs. At 5y---is when we started our meds. Risperdal was first to control the rages. It worked--but he was still having the mood cycling. So then after depakote (did nothing but daytime incontience--urine and stool), Tenex(did nothing at all)---we went to tegretol--which still did nothing. When we finally got to lithium. That worked great!! So after months of med trials--we ended up with lithium, tegretol and risperdal. After starting K in the fall---he was extremely impulsive. So we decided since he was semi-stable to try a stim. Adderall. That didn't work!! His anxiety went sky high!!

This past Jan---1 year after starting with the new pdoc--we went over the ASD criteria again. He still fit the criteria. So---he got the high functioning autism dx or Aspergers. Because of the language disorder---we aren't sure if he can get the Aspergers dx. or not. Also in Jan--I took him off meds. and decided to go natural since he was ASD. We go to an environmental DAN! Dr. He's had all blood and urine tests you can imagine---all paid out of pocket. Now he's on about 24 vitamins/day. Lipolic acid cream, Amino acids and starting Vit B12 shots later this month. We did tons of allergy testing and food elimination diets. He has gluten peptides leaking into his urine. So he is on gluten free also. Those peptides cause an "opiate" type chemical in the brain. This natural stuff really takes a long time!!

Since Spring Break--my son has never been able to get back on track at school. He has been a mess--unable to learn at all. He's always has done better with adults--but he can't even do his one on one anymore. He's never gotten along with peers. He is out of control. Rages are back and frequent. So I started him back up on his risperdal----which alot of ASD kids are on---to control the meltdowns. He can't pay attention in class--which they think is ADD---but I don't think it is. He has lots of anxiety---and that's what I think it is. He's in a regular K class with 18 kids. Overstim and overfocuses on what he is interested in--not what is going on in class. He is not ADD at home at all. He has very limited interests and obsesses with those. That is all he does---24/7.

I don't question the dx at all. Our neuropsych has known him since 3yo. She has seen his behaviors--especially since she started up a social skills group for about 5 ASD boys(ages 6-9). He goes to that every week. Our pdoc who dx him works at the U of W autism center once/week helping dx the kids.

Jacob also has been getting speech--private and school since 3yo. Also private OT for his sensory issues.

I do question his bipolar dx now--the more I read on ASD. These autism kids can have just as bad of meltdowns and rages as bipolar. But they don't "cycle". Which I'm hoping my son will grow out of!!

Holly_WA38840.4736342593 [QUOTE=stopwhining]

Today was Jacobs first trip to the principal, and I'm not sure what to do. He is in Kindergarten, and so far had a great year. I had him enrolled in Pre-K summerschool last year and after two weeks I was afraid to answer the phone. Just about every day there was a call from the assistant princ. about what he had done. He was not an meds, because at teh time I was still a bit reluctant to put him meds, but after summersch. decided to give it a try. He started Adderall XR last aug. and like I said, had a great year so far. He did have colorchanges on his behavior chart, but nothing I couldn't handle. Most of the time we talked about what happend, or I took the gameboy away for that afternoon, if it was more than one colorchange.

The "charges" for today, that got him the trip to the office are: talking during work time, showing his underwear in class, using his hand as a gun, lying to his teacher about a messy paper, refusing to do it again, when she asked him to, and then refusing to talk to her about it.

Last week I started a reward system with dimes, that they can spend on saturday's whatever they earned during the week. He bought himself a toygun. His dad said, that if he gets in trouble because of the gun, he will crush it infront of his eyes and throw it away. I know if I show my husband the discipline rep. from the principal the gun will be history.

So now I talked to Jacob about today, and the choices he made, I had him give me gun and made a deal with him. If he has no colorchanges the rest of the schoolweek, I'll give him the gun back friday after school. Which he agrees is better than losing it forever. We will tell dad that he got in trouble at school, and therfore the gun is gone for 3 day's but not about the trip to the principal.

Now am I doing the right thing? Should I punish him more or different? And am I not teaching my son to be dishonest? We also agreed that he lost all the dimes ( 60cents ) that he has earned since sunday.

My mind is spinning right now, and I would appreciate some input.

Thanks

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My mind is spinning right now, and I would appreciate some input.

Thanks

I follow the Positive Discipline (Jane Nelson) method of parenting. According to this theory, consequences for misbehavior are: 1) Related to the misbehavior; 2) Respectfully delivered and designed to promote responsible behavior; 3) Reasonable; and 4) Revealed in advance. I'm just wondering -- hasn't your son already had a consequence (being sent to the principal) for misbehavior in class? Why not leave the discipline for poor behavior in school to school officials? Why does your son need an additional consequence at home?

You need to do what you think will make the greatest point to your son. My punishment was that if he is sent to the principal he goes immediately to bed for the rest of the day. He must stay there, he can read a book or do homework or whatever, but he must stay in his bed. He can come to dinner but then lights are out 1/2 hour prior to his normal bedtime.

My son is in 5th now, we started it in 1st, and luckily he's only been twice. But the point was made, that being sent to the principal was VERY serious, and was dealt with that way at home.

I'm not sure I'm thrilled with you hiding the report from your husband because if the deal was made you are now breaking the deal (that the gun would be gone). You are showing your child that you as parents are not united and that you will protect your son from your husbands discipline. Not a very good precedent. If you weren't willing to follow thru with the threat it should never have been made. But you'll learn that for next time .

That's kind of what I'm thinking, why should he be punished twice? So far I usually just talked to him about the stuff that happend at school. ; And hawks2921, you're right we are not always on the same wavelength when it comes to disicpline. A lot of times I think he's to harsh, but I still back him up.

Jacob just came to me, after supper and told me that he thought about it, and he wants to show his dad the note from the princ., but therefore he wants his toy gun back. You should have seen him earlier, he was searching all over for it, I stuck in a plastic bag and put in the bottom of dirty laundry basket, he'll never find it there! Anyway, I told him that I'm glad that he wants his dad to see the note, because I didn't feel very good about lying to dad. Told him, that this was good choice. And since all his "charges" had basically nothing to do with his gun, I would make sure that dad won't throw it away. But I will still keep it until friday, and he'll get it back regardless of any color changes. I'm proud of my little guy for making that choice, cause I don't like being dishonest.

Thanks for reading and answering my post.

Do you have a psychologist? To me a behavior plan can help in your sons situation. I would talk to your son during snuggle time when he is calm and relaxed and discuss with him about not showing his underwear to everyone that it is a private thing and about the work issue if he was frustrated how to better handle it next time. You can ask hime afterwards what he should and should not do and see if he was listening.

As for punishment for going to the principals office, maybe have him write an apology to his teacher for his behavior so he is owning up to it. Good luck Jill

His dad said, that if he gets in trouble because of the gun, he will crush it infront of his eyes and throw it away. I know if I show my husband the discipline rep. from the principal the gun will be history.

Does your husband have a bad temper? That's a pretty dramatic threat. Is there a history that would explain this?

No, my husband does not have bad temper, that's me! I'm the one who usually freaks out and loses controll fast. He's the one who can stay calm, but he also never makes empty threats, he follows through, unlike me.

But I did not yell or scream to Jacob, I was able to stay calm. Ha, there's one point for me! My husband is a very quiet, nonviolent, but also disciplined person.

Well--all kids are different. And my son does not think before doing things. He isn't hyper---but he is impulsive. He also doesn't understand consequences for his actions. He does whatever he is thinking. He still gets the consequence---but immediately after the action or he won't remember. So me bringing it up later is useless.

Thinking that your son cannot learn consequences as a result of his actions is scary - he MUST learn them to function in society.

Yes--he must learn them--but it will take years! And whether he will be able to functioin in society is unknown at this time. I'm hoping he will--someday. Because of his dx's he can't do the same things that other kids can. Most of his actions are because of his autism---he just doesn't "get" things. Right now--he is not functioning in society normally. I'm hoping by high school he will be more "normal"

your kindergarden is tough!!!we have the same problem with my husband ,i think he is too tough but it is good you told him what happened,you don't want your son to think that whatever dady say it doesn't matter as mummy will help me.

I have no idea why my son gets these bizzare ideas in his head.

After he bit another kid--the principal told him that if he ever hurts another kid again---he will get his recess taken away. Thats the most ridiculous thing I've heard. MY son really could care less about recess. He has no friends and likes to be alone anyways. Taking away recess would mean nothing to him. Especially since they made a small group recess for him because he can't do recess with all those kids. So...there are going to take away his social skills learning time--that is on his IEP? And if they think my son remembers ANY consequences to his actions----and will never hurt another kid again---they are nuts!! I will guarantee 110% that before the end of the school year---he WILL hurt someone AGAIN. An emotional/impulsive child never thinks about consequences before actions are taken.

[QUOTE=stopwhining]

He did loose his recess today. All kids in Kindergarten have a behavior chart. They start out with green in the morning, if they stay all day on green, they get a stamp. The next color is yellow, which means no stamp. Then red- no stamp, and loses 5 min. recess, then blue- no stamp, and loses 10 min. recess, then orange- no stamp, 15min. rec. and then purple which means a trip to the principal and loses all recess. The chart comes home every day in a plastic folder called "Parent/Teacher Communicater" and at the end of the week the parent has to sign it. there is also room on the chart for comments for teacher or parent.

Whew! Well, that is why I never could be a Kindergarten teacher. Way too much to keep up with .

So far he has never been past red

That's really good!

, and depending on what happend, we talked about how he could have handled the situation better, or a few times I took the gameboy away for that afternoon, or there was no TV that afternoon.

Sounds good to me.

Oh, my watching another going to the bathroom? That is kind of funny. Why did he do that? My Jacob told me, the reason why he "showed" his underwear, was he had a "wedgie" and wanted to fix it. I told him the next time something like happens, he should ask to be excused to the bathroom and fix it in private.

I asked him how he felt going to the principal, and if he rememberd how he felt last year in summersch. when he had to go there just about every other day. IHe told me that he felt very horrible and don't want to there anymore. I also must say, that the assistant principal who was there during summersch. is very different from our regular principal. I heard from a lot of people, that they are not happy with her.

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Everything sounds worked out to me. I think you did a good job. What did Dad say?

Holly_WA - I must disagree with you about something - Impulsive kids do think about the consequence of SOME things before they are done - My son is very impulsive but he doesn't touch the stove - he knows he'll be burned, etc. That is exactly the reason why I think the home punishment needs to be severe if the schools isn't. My child is (was, I guess) VERY hyper up until about 4th grade. Extremely impulsive with social situations. But he learned quickly not to fight in school because the consequences both in school and at home were severe. Thinking that your son cannot learn consequences as a result of his actions is scary - he MUST learn them to function in society. I give consequences at home for school behavior, as well, unless I feel like something my son was disciplined for in school was uncalled for (I protested one of my son's 5th grade teachers disciplining him for not writing an assignment) or that the discipline at school was more than sufficient (missing recess because of not turning in homework). In this case, where my son misbehaved all day and was sent to the principal's office, I would have a serious consequence at home. I agree with Hawks that being sent to the principal's office is not punishment. All it is, is a way to inform me that something happened in the classroom. I'm still a bit confused how the gun plays into this, though.

Our school makes the kids either write or draw a picture of what happened and wht should have happened instead.

With my son--I never drag up old offenses that are already over and done with. #1---he probably won't remember it. #2---it WILL cause a rage just asking "what happened today in school that you had to see the principal for".

Holly_WA38839.784837963Pick the battles. If it was a real bad thing discipline at home also if not don't worry about it cause the kid has already been disciplned for the wrong choice already. Any toy that looks like a weapon should not be taken to school. school is for education not play time. He bought the gun just sunday, and it is his favorite toy at the moment. If would have removed any other privilge, I don't think he would have cared very much. And because one of the things he got in trouble for was using his hand as a gun, I thought my husband would have thrown it away because of that.

So far he has never been past red, and depending on what happend, we talked about how he could have handled the situation better, or a few times I took the gameboy away for that afternoon, or there was no TV that afternoon.

i went through exactly what you're going thru when my DS7 was in kinder (last year), so i KWYM.

i think on your incentive system, just carryover the 60¢ to next week. by deleting the dimes, it's an extra punishment since you've already locked up the gun.

i also have a small problem about you not destroying the gun - because he had an infraction, you are not really following through on the originally-agree-upon consequence (destroying the gun). it's possible that in the future, he might not take you seriously about consequences for bad behavior.

instead, he ought to buy the gun back from you with his earned dimes.

i also have a small problem with withholding the principal's office visit info from your DH - if DS knows DH doesn't know, that's an issue of honesty and accountability.

gettingclear38839.7298263889I do 'really' think that you need to let your husband know what you have done. And then after that explain to your lil' one that you were WRONG in not telling Daddy...so you did and you and Daddy discussed/talked about it and decided that what you and him (your son) talked about was going to be just fine. Please don't start telling lil' lies to your husband ... don't think for one single millisecond that your son won't call you out on it. Even at his age. And furthermore...if he's had a great year so far..isn't school almost out? Our's is..but we're in FL. Anyway..just come clean with your son and let him know that you were wrong NOT to tell Daddy...that's going to lose trust with not only your husband..but also your son. THEN your son will 'learn' to NOT tell the whole truth...from you. Is that really what you want? I don't think so...at all. It's not hard to admit you were wrong...however you must tell your husband that you have handled this...and your son must know that Daddy knows the truth...it's not hard...just sit your husband down first...and then the both of them. Do it. You'll feel better you did. G'luck...

My son goes to the principal nearly every day---since back from Spring Break. He isn't transitioning well.

The 2 times that they actually "wrote" him up for were:

Biting a child in speech class. Threatening the teacher. Not being able to remove himself from the room--he had to be carried out and to the office.

The next one is quite humorous!!

He was in his tutoring class and needed a drink of water--which is right outside the door. He never got a drink---ended up in the boy's bathroom----climbed the urinal and looked over the partition to another kid using the toilet.

I'd like to know why my child wasn't supervised!!!!! They should know by now what the kid is capable of!! He can't be left unattended for anything!! But they don't "get-it".

These were the only 2 that were actually written up. He goes to the office nearly every day to have "talks" with the principal. They are so dumb!! My child doesn't "talk" to anyone. He never "gets-it"!!!

I never punish for something that happened at school. I assume the school takes care of it and uses their punishment system.

Holly_WA38839.7802777778

Hi gettingclear and pauls mom, I think our posts might have crossed each other.

Jacob came to me and said he wanted dad to see note after all, and told him that i'm glad about his choice, that I didn't fell good about lying that it's wrong an so on.

I never wanted to thtow hin gun away, I took it away for 3 days as a punishment. I thought that dad might wants to that, but since his "charges" are not really related to the gun, I don't think he will. I think it's a goood idea to have have him buy it back, have to talk to dh about that, since I said he could have it back friday.

And yes, the school year is almost over, last is the 19th of this month. I hope he get's a teacher a great as this onein first grade. She has a lot of experience with adhd children, and I think we worked and communicated good together.

I also sugested to him, that his teacher would appreciate it, if he apologizes to her. He said yes, he would do that. I can ask her friday if he did, I'll see her, when I go the school-library after work.

I will talk to my husband when he comes home from work, he works long hours, and the kids are usually already in bed when he comes home.

Sorry, I just don't get how getting sent to the principals office is a punishment. I do believe that certain things that happen in school and are dealt with in school don't deserve discipline at home. However, when the child has defied the teacher to such an extent that they needed to be sent to the principal, I think this must be dealt with at home.

For example, if my son had a problem in school and had to miss recess because of it, then I believe he had a punishment. I don't really think taking a walk to the principals office and getting spoken to by the principal is a punishment. Now if there is an additional punishment given (like losing recess), then I agree the school is handling it. However, most schools hands are tied in giving punishments, there is very little they can do.

I guess its just parenting style/differences. I always felt that I had to back up the school and be sure my son "got the point" of how bad it was to have to be sent to the principal. I think its worked too for me (and my son).

Holly,

Your six-year-old child has all the disoders listed in your signature? Who diagnosed your son?