Please, I need help | ADHD Information

Thank you again to everyone who posted.

I honestly don't know if Aaron's birthmom was on drugs during her pregnancy with him, but I do know she was on cocaine when she was pregnant with my youngest child (the two boys are four years apart). She was only 14 when she had Aaron and he was born three months premature and spent the first few months of his life at John Hopkins in Baltimore.

Though Aaron had therapy tonight, it was I who spent most of the session with the therapist, pouring out my desperate heart and getting some assurance that I was not failing as a parent. I was brutally honest with her about my feelings regarding Aaron and was actually waiting for condemnation that never came. It didn't really need to, I guess, as I've been beating myself up enough.

She also gave me a list of rules for oppositional defiant children and out of the 11 things listed, Aaron met every one of them. Of course, that tells me that there are other children like him out there.

This road is so much harder than I would have ever imagined and I just hope like in chjones' story, the ending is a happy one.

OlderMom makes some very good points. Because of the prematurity, I would also encourage you to have Aaron evaluated by a pediatric neurologist if you haven't already done so. Not to scare you, but he may have suffered some kind of brain trauma that you don't know about. As OlderMom likes to say, leave no stone unturned. The prematurity could have also caused problems. Rather than dwelling on the behavioral, since he has such a complicated birth history and then he didn't even go to your family until he was seven, I'd look into the other possibilities. So many older adopted kids have tons and tons of undiagnosed psychiatric problems (inherited), and often they have alcohol related syndromes too (fetal alcohol effects). I am going to assume that if Child B was born with cocaine in his system, just as my son was, then Aaran was also exposed to bad things in utero. And if she didn't say "no" to cocaine she probably didn't say, "Nope. I'm prgnant so I can't drink or smoke." I think my son was really exposed to a lot of things and that is partly why his NeuroPsych feels he may have gotten autistic spectrum disorder. Also, look into Reactive Attachment Disorder. That's the last link I listed. If an older child comes to your home, and has never known love or early nurturing, he may need a very special type of therapy for attachment. These kids have very severe behaviors and seem not to have a conscience. I adopted one child at age 11 who was so far gone and severe that CPS took him out of the home and deemed him too dangerous to live in a family. We were terrified of him and he hurt the younger kids and killed a few of our pets. Not all kids with reactive attachment disorder are as bad as him, in fact most are not, but he was. The scary part is, he fooled every adult in touch with him. Even his Psychiatrist thought he just had mild problems and my other kids were too scared of him to tell the horrible things he'd done to them. Sexual abuse is a big problem with kids who are in foster care--I was told over 90% of the kids have suffered it (the ones who end up in foster care). That can also affect behavior and make the kids very angry. In the case of the 11 year old child we adopted, he did not recall being sexually abused, but obviously he had been. Unfortunately, you can't just adopt a seven year old, who never knew love, and love him enough to heal him. If we could have, the 11 year old would have been healed as we loved him a lot. The rules go out the window when you adopt an older kid. Professionals are often stymied by these kids and it's very hard to get a true diagnosis and the right treatment. The other kids that we adopted came at younger ages, and are doing really well, but this 11 year old is 16 now, in an RTC, and is not doing well. His diagnosis is "Severe Reactive Attachment Disorder." Good luck.Hello and welcome.

I empathize with your plight. I, too, have an adopted son who is difficult
at best. We recently found out that bio mom was a drug user, which no
doubt factors into his behavior. When my son was 11 (now 13) he, too,
began to get worse. We attribute this to puberty. Additionally, one of the
meds he was taking proved to be disinhibiting, causing more problems
that it addressed. My son is also more compliant with my husband. Since
I am easier on him than my husband he will continually push me, hoping
to get me to bend.

I agree with SmallMom that you should have Aaron evaluated. We were so
desperate that we placed our son in a partial-hospital program at our
local university. He received a complete evaluation, group and individual
therapy and he was placed on new medication which was closely
monitored for six weeks. He continues to receive therapy and we've seen
tremendous improvement over the past five months.

Regarding Aaron wetting his pants, my stepdaughter did the same when
she first came to live with us at age 10. I attributed it to stress associated
with her chaotic environment before moving in with us, and figured she
would outgrow it without any intervention once she felt safe. Wrong. She
continued for two more years and it became apparent that she wouldn't
take time to come into the house and use the bathroom, afraid she might
miss something going on with the other kids outside, a symptom of her
insecurity. Finally, I told her she would need to wash her own soiled
panties and could not fling them into the laundry hamper anymore
because the odor was unpleasant and because if she wouldn't take the
time to come into the house and use the bathroom then she couldn't
expect me to wash her underwear. (BTW, we had her checked to make
sure she did not have a urinary track infection before we laid down the
law.) I think having to do her own laundry did the trick, because the habit
soon disappeared.

I wish you well. I know it is tough. With proper interventions life will get
better.

[QUOTE=OlderMom] CJ Jones, being adopted doesn't make a child horrible, hateful, awful etc. [/QUOTE]

i am extremely sorry if that was the impression i gave!!!! i know that older mom because his sister (also adopted) was absolutely lovely. HE, himself, was a pain in the butt - he just was and i don't know why - perhaps the ADHD being undiagnosed and the concurrent problems that came with that. i didn't mean to imply that his being hateful and awful (which he was) had ANYTHING to do with being adopted and certainly never thought it then or, in fact, ever have! until you mentioned it right now. it never occurred to me - that it was anything more than HIM being a total sh*t.

i can see that mentioning the fact that he was adopted at the beginning might have implied that - but no, i think it is even mentioned in the Driven to Distraction book that many adopted children can have ADHD - and i brought it up as the posters original child was adopted too. his sister was absolutely lovely so it never occurred to me even aged six to sixteen that it was anything more than his own personality and as you said, that kind of miserable, annoying personality can be found across the whole spectrum of children, nothing to do with being adopted....!

I realized you didn't mean harm and changed my post...lol. Actually, adopted kids often have a LOT more than just ADHD, if they came from foster care and their birthmothers didn't take care of themselves while pregnant. Also, foster care isn't a picnic--it is usually not simple with older adopted kids. Most have serious isses that are way beyond ADHD!! I didn't mean to jump to conclusions. It's me who is sorry. thanks oldermom! it is always a bit surprising when what one has written is read in an entirely different context than it was meant --- !

but, in fact, re-reading the post i can see it could clearly be read that way! so i am going to leave my post-explanation there just in case others read it in a similar light.

thanks for pointing it out!

[QUOTE=chjones] anyway, i have no idea why, but when he turned 15 - after puberty, i guess, - he just changed into the nicest person i know! kind, strong, considerate, thoughtful (now married with two of children of his own) ---- i don't know what happened! honestly i don't. but i just wanted to let you know that they can change - and often turn out to be nicer than the average! good luck with it.

[/QUOTE]

what a beautiful, redemptive story! do you recall anything about his parents (parenting style, educated/not educated, religious) that kept him from becoming a delinquent? i think for me & my DS, that's my greatest fear.

(sorry to hijack the thread)

gettingclear38853.624375 his parents were Jewish (he was adopted, i think from a Jewish adoption place but i have to say he was blond, blue-eyed and 6ft 3' when grown up so i am not convinced that he, himself, is necessarily Jewish at all - although i suppose one shouldn't necessarily go by such physical stereotyping.)

his mom was actually australian and a catholic by birth, she changed to judaism when she married his dad --- and both children were brought up in a fairly liberal, jewish, north london-type way. that probably means nothing to you in the States!

but it means - not too strict but their food was kosher, they didn't eat bacon or milk after meat and did the whole meal-thing on the Friday night and synagogue and whatever all the other rules were --- when we were on holiday together we all eat kosher to make it easier!

his Dad is phenomenal. he is funny, clever, charming, and such a gentleman (of the type you rarely, rarely, rarely come across nowadays). he never seems old-fashioned though because he is amusing and can put anyone at their ease. i have yet to meet a single person who didn't walk away from his Dad going "what an amazing guy". he is the type of man you desperately want to like you - because if he doesn't, you feel that it only reflects badly on you!

anyway he always gives out the impression (and makes you feel) that you are the wittiest, charming, most beautiful person he has met in years!

both well-educated people. and the father is quite involved with the synagogue and all those activities.

parenting-style i don't know - really. as a child i ALWAYS thought his mom spoiled him (looking back now and reading posts about ADHD children - i think i would far less judgemental). but she never really told him off and his sister always had to be the responsible one, clear up his messes and was just expected to bear the brunt of his nasty behaviour --- and as a child i thought it was horribly unfair!

i thought he was just a nasty, spoilt brat who got away with everything and was mean and unpleasant to everyone else!

it might simply have been the example of his father - who never lost his temper was always gentle and strong and considerate - rather than any good parenting technique that they had, that in the end made the difference.

but i think it was going through puberty somehow had the effect of changing him enough that suddenly he could see things in a different light! because it was a RADICAL change really. and, honestly, i think it was that - i don't what happened but he just changed. really he just changed.

he is just such a great guy now and with all that he went through with undiagnosed ADHD and coming through it himself seems to have given him a lot of integrity and inner strength.

chjones38853.7105208333

If a child is adopted, especially older, many other vairables come into play. I have one son adopted at 6 and one at 2. The 2 year old had disadvantages from the womb as his birthmom used drugs and drank. If your child had the same sort of birth history, he could have fetal alochol effects, which are easy to confuse with ADHD. He sounds a lot more severe than ADHD, but adoption workers (and I've known a few quite well--we adopted four kids) say that kids are usually only labeled ADHD or else nobody will want to adopt them. The child's biological history is important. Any mood disorders in the family? Psychiatric or neurological problems that could have been inherited? Was he ever abused, either in his bio. home or in a foster home? We were told that most kids in foster care were sexually abused. This can cause bedwetting (it's one of the symptoms). There are also soemtimes attachment issues with older adopted children...they can't bond like infants can and often don't even LIKE to be loved. Weird, I know, but true. I would take the child to a NeuroPsych to assess where he's at in all areas. Our kids, adopted from foster care, are not the same as other kids who know their biological history and who were not exposed to toxins in utero. Now I'm assuming he was...maybe he wasn't. At any rate, his biological history will point you more in the right direction than where he's at now. I would guess he has more than ADHD and stimulants, Adderrall especially, can make other disorders/problems significantly worse. If it's not working, why even use it? My son got very aggressive on Adderrall, and he's not like that. If you don't have this child's biological history (medical) I strongly urge you to try to get it. That will really help the NeuroPsych when he is testing your child. Here are a few links you can read, but you really need a full NeuroPsych evaluation to know what's going on. As laypeople, we can't tell you. Good luck!

www.conductdisorders.com

www.bpkids.org

www.bpchildresearch.org

www.childbrain.com

http://members.aol.com/creaconinc/fas.html

http://attachment.adoption.com/

OlderMom38853.5738773148[QUOTE=SmallMom]

Welcome. Adderall can cause anger and aggression in children. I'm wondering if that's what you're seeing. Why was Zyprexa prescribed? It is an atypical antipsychotic generally used to treat in the short term mania associated with bipolar disorder. It tends to poop out after a while so if you noticed improvement in the beginning and now it's gone, that's why.

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He was placed on the Zyprexa as a sleeping aid (which is not working as well as the Clonidine was, but the Clonidine seemed very scary to me...you could just watch the kid coming down to a hard crash) and for weight gain. The doctor explained it was usually used for bipolar, but said we were using it for the other two things.

Thanks for the advice. I've been very, very down the last few days, ever since Mother's Day because he was such a poophead to me that day (which is pretty normal). His bio dad was never around much, so Aaron took my my DH right away, where three years later, Aaron and I are still struggling to find common ground.

I think he has other issues, though I have no idea what they might be. Does anyone have issues with their ten year old wetting his pants while outside playing because he can't be bothered to come in to use the bathroom? He'll just go in his pants and keep right on playing. He never comes in to change. I only know this because I do his laundry and can tell by his underpants that he is still doing this, three years later. We've lectured and disciplined and have called him in every two hours to use the bathroom, but the end result is still the same.

I'm going to have a long talk with his therapist tonight. He's been with her for a few months now, and I'm just not seeing any improvement.

[QUOTE=Knittergirl]

I feel horrible because though I love him, more often than not, I don't like him.

[/QUOTE]

when i was growing up - my parents' best friends had two adopted children - the boy was just two years older than me and the most HATEFUL, horrible, annoying, rude, nasty, mean, irritating pig - everybody hated him (bar his parents) the older boys would sometimes try to take him down a peg or two by punching him on the nose - (it was the 70s) - but nothing worked he remained a complete complaining, self-obsessed sh*t.

he was just awful, he had incredible difficulties with schoolwork too - and now i can look back and see that he definitely had ADHD without a doubt!!!! and he has since been diagnosed as an adult but he was a clear cut case then - just nobody knew about ADHD at the time in the UK.

we ALWAYS went on holiday together with this family and one other (and all their children - so nine kids altogether) and the whole time the rest of us spent trying to avoid Jonathon (he was particularly gruesome from ages 12 - 14).

anyway, i have no idea why, but when he turned 15 - after puberty, i guess, - he just changed into the nicest person i know! kind, strong, considerate, thoughtful (now married with two of children of his own) ---- i don't know what happened! honestly i don't. but i just wanted to let you know that they can change - and often turn out to be nicer than the average! good luck with it.

If you are not working with a board-certified child psychiatrist, I would highly recommend you seek an evaluation. You need to work with a doctor who has cutting-edge knowledge of psychopharmacology. I would also encourage you to do a med wash to see whether the meds are causing the unwanted behavior. You need to get a baseline on his behavior and then go from there. At this point, you have no idea what's causing what. Good luck.

i can really feel your pain although my son isn't that old yet i feel the same way. he is only 4 and he asks the same way. Ask your self these questions y don't u treat him like his is a normal kid, because just because he has adhd doesn't mean he is different he is just like anyother kid just hipper. so y treat him different??? Have u tried to do one on one time going to do something that he likes to do as a different setting once a week or something like that. try to change the expected up and that might make his moods change at least for a little while... i know that they same a structered enviroment is what they need but sometimes u get bord with the same thing so y wouldn't he??????????????????

Have you tried positive reinforcement with him? Many of our kids with behavioral issues and ADHD respond much more favorably if we look for what they are doing right and praise them for that, leaving the only criticism or punishment for things that have to be aknowledged such as issues of safety, treating Mom with respect, etc.

If you pick your battles and only address the major issues, leaving the rest aside for now, he won't have so many things to change and overwhelm him. Its going to be tough with all the serious problems you have, but if you can praise him more than correct him, he should start looking for ways to earn more praise. Kids like ours hear so many negatives that they often don't hear or remember the positives. If you can make him see the good in himself, and that you notice and appreciate it, it should help.

Something else to remember is that they often have trouble recognizing what they should do when told not to do something. It helps to tell them what to do (instead of what not to do) and give step by step instructions if necessary. That way, he knows what is expected of him.

I wish you the best. Its a tough road but when they are responisble adults, you realize it was worth all the stress. You can make it!

barb38853.3418865741

We have two adopted sons. My oldest, Aaron, is almost 11 years old and has ADHD. The boys have lived with us for three years and I feel like things with Aaron are getting worse instead of better.

He and I have always had power struggles. He will defy me all the time (though not my husband). Aaron is in therapy and is on 45mg of Adderal and 5mg of Zyprexa. I just feel like it is getting worse. Anything I ask him to do, he will either not do or half do. He lies and steals constantly. He never seems to learn from his mistakes regardless of the consequence.

The doctors have felt that 45mg is a high dose for a child of his age, but honestly, we are going through such a tough time right now and it doesn't seem to be working. We've done Magic 1-2-3 and numerous other things. Nothing makes an impact. We get weary of disciplining him, but he just won't learn. He is in therapy.

I feel horrible because though I love him, more often than not, I don't like him. I feel like a terrible parent for feeling this way and have no idea what we should be doing. Could his medication be wrong or is this just the way he is and there is nothing we can do about it.

Please help...I feel like I'm drowning.