I'm not real great on punishments either, knowing what to do, but I think the MOST important thing to do first, if you haven't already, is have your son confront the person of the things he took, and to apologize sincerely for what he did. I often find that that's all it takes.
What I've done in the past when something went awry, was to just cancell any plans coming up, like a friend's birthday party, or a planned outing. Something they were really looking forward to. I try to be gentle, because it hurts and there's tears and withdrawl. But he always comes back out, if I leave him alone with his thoughts.
One time this year, my son got suspended for horseplay, and I had arrranged for him to spend his three days working at our church, and helping out my mom around her house doing things she can no longer do herself over there. He was actually a real good worker, and we were all very proud of him.
I wish I had more words of wisdom for you.
It hurts as a parent when our kids to things that we did not raise them that way.
IrishRose,
Some conduct by choice is rebellion my hubby is that way. RN
Try 3 times your out policy this is how a work environment would tolerate it. Fired!
Strong wild people have to learn the hard ways! This family is all that way. Real life is that way.
Kids as get older need a attitude ajustment!
Dr. Phil says remove stuff from their room and only have necessities like jail!
A little harsh if you ask me.
Behavior therapy is needed for some. ABA i hear is a help.
oldtimer38855.3430902778IrisRose,
You are not an unskilled parent and please keep in mind that your son did acknowledge the fact that what he did was wrong. He did take ownership and that is something very positive despite what happened. The lying goes hand in hand with the stealing because unless one is caught, one wont admit to the act of stealing which is pretty common for anyone. My son also did that once in school but the consequences were imposed in school as that's where it happened.
I think annidagostini makes an excellent suggestion as then the child understands that he is not bad but rather what he did was bad and such actions see consequences that reflect on his character. She is right in that the child is in charge of making the behavioral change rather than feeling they are forced to comply not because its wrong but because they will get punished. No doubt a child should know that there will be consequences for a wrong doing but how the consequence is imposed sometimes makes all the difference in terms of how effective it is. I think a visual consequence is an excellent behavior modification strategy and that's how it was imposed in school for my son and it did work. Good luck.
Children with Adhd act on impulse, its not a choice as they act before they think if they are not on effective treatment to curb the impulsivity. They can't learn what they have the inability to control until effective treatment is sought out. Behavior modification standing alone doesnt fully address or manage the symptoms of Adhd and a behavior modificiation plan is only as good as the person implementing it.I have these same issues with my ten year old. But regardless of the consequences, our lack of trust in him (which has been discussed with him) etc, he still has bouts of stealing. He seems to think that if he sees it, and he wants it, he should have it. I have made the school aware, which has been a help.
We are currently trying that tactic that he is not allowed off our property until we feel we can trust him to be out of our sight. It has its moments of working, and other moments where it appears he can care less. His therapist says that these ADHD/oppositional defiant children almost always learn things the hard way, but eventually, in their own time, they will learn the lesson. It's just a hard road while you are on it.
IrishRose,
You could check out the program Love and Logic. We use it at my school. It works well with ADHD kids and others. I love it. It puts the responsibility on the shoulders of the child. It increases their self esteem.
Here is something that can help.
I tell my kids when something like this happens that I can give consequences - take away priveleges, make them repay, ground them, etc. But nothing I do will even come close to the natural consequence. The kids usuall all perk up here to hear what the awful natural consequence that is so bad, and Mom or Dad can't even give it out, it is so bad.
Then you go on to tell them that the natural consequence is that people are not going to trust them. They have lost the trust that others automatically have put in him. I tell my kids about the trust scale. I tell them that the best place to be s the top of the trust scale. If they lie, etc, then they move down the trust scale. Parents don't want to lend their cars to kids who are low on the trust scale.
How do you move on the trust scale? Who is in charge of where you are on the trust scale? The child is. He is the only one who can move himself up or down the trust scale.
Kids really listen when I explain it this way. It is visual and effective.
Good luck to you.
Thanks for the advice - it really helped us out. I sat and talked with my son and asked him to tell me how he was feeling about the whole thing. He was very sad, very contrite and said that he flet like he was a really bad person. I jumped in there and clarified that he was NOT a bad person- that he is a good person, wonderful and kind but that he had made some bad choices. Then I asked what he thought he needed to do to to fix this. He decided to write a letter to the two children that he took the cards from apologizing, asking for forgiveness and if they could still be freinds. He had wanted to just talk with the child at school on his own, but after we talked about potential outcomes he (we) agrresd that perhaps the best way to handle it was to talk with the priincipal - tell the whole story and go from there. It worked wonderfully. He asked the principal if they could talk in private - he said that he had beeen stealing these cards since before spring break and that he knows that it is wrong. He told her his solution and she agrees that it was a good idea and helped facilitate the returning of the cards as to not cause either child any public embarrassment and made it quite clear to both boys that this was a situatation between the two of them and that hthere was no need to involve any of the other classmates. The princiapal also let my son know that she was sad and disappointed that he chose to steal from a friend but that she was extremely proud of him for coming to her with the situation because it is very hard, even for adults to admit when they are wrong. So thank you all for the help - had I reacted immediately without diffusing first he would have lost every priviledge for the whole summer (much too harsh and he wouldn't learn anything from that other than he needs to try harder not to get caught - at least that's what I learned from being parented in that way). Luvmykids02, I agree that bhavior modification alone doesn't work - in my opinion there is no singular thing that works without something complementary. We are currently doing behavior modification, talk therapy (more to help with the high anxiety level that he has), biofeedback, adderall, 5:1 ratio omega 3's, increased protien and eating a "clean" diet. I know that he has made HUGE progress in the last year - his biggest issues are impulsivity and inattentiveness. Socially he has gotten much better at keeping his hands to himself, picking up on social cues that he is dominating the converasations, and is getting better at putting himself back on task when he gets distracted. He still has a long way to go, but he IS making improvements. So, what do you think we might be missing? I am open to trying whatever I can to help him - I am not wishing that I could wave a wand and make him "typical"- there are so many great things about him that I think are part of his ADHD, I just wish that I could help him not do things the hard way (He is cut from the same cloth as me...same issues, same errors and I really would like to not have him choose the hard way) i think sometimes ADDers just naturally do do things the hard way. i watched a biopic on Bette Davis the other day. she was talking about actors but she really meant ADDers "we're peculiar you see, childlike - not childish - childlike. and many people don't really understand us, and it can make it very lonely sometimes".IrisRose,
I think you are doing an excellent job with your child and your certainly on the right track in terms of the behavior modification strategies. Impulsivity and inattentive behavior are the core symptoms of Adhd and since you have chosen to medicate your child, once you hit the right med, the target dose (meaning seeing maximum benefit) the impulsivity factor and the inattentiveness tones down significantly. Once that happens, all other interventions sought out work better. All the great things about your son will shine through once he is able to think before he acts and having the ability to focus affords him the ability to make a choice and while like any human being, we don't always make the right choices, at least he's able to make a choice and this benefits every area of life.
You mentioned in your initial post that your son was taking Adderal and that it was working tremendously. Like any other tool, medication alone doesn't totally manage the symptoms of Adhd but all tools combined is called the multimodil approach which has been proven to be the most effective treatment for Adhd. Medication can help the multimodil approach be more effective.
Your helping your child far more than you realize and while as parents, our goal is to provide them with a healthy quality of life, we can't wave a magic wand but we can provide them with the tools to succeed and that's exactly what your doing. As the parent you know best in terms of what will most effectively help your child and as I always told my son, I didn't want him to be the best but rather be the best he could be and with the right tools and support system, your child will indeed meet his full potential. It can be a long, hard journey but in a collaborate effort with your child's doctor and the school, you are better able to make an informed decision. Its crucial that everyone be on the same page and you appear to be proactive and very intelligent so whatever choices you make for your child will be the right ones for him
Luvmykids0238856.4644444444same basket, just my son is 7, he knows its wrong to steal and lie yet he does it all the time, then takes it as we don't love him when we punish him. He wants our approval so bad, more then his peers but then he does this, it does not make since. I have been told before by many that it could just be for more attention, cause good or bad attention is attention. Its an on going battle at our home