HELP! How do I treat my children the same | ADHD Information
Hi Janna I have the same opinions as You I no longer say no and they change my mind for peace and quiet ( I used to alot) until I realiised what I was doing. I am making a mental note of all of the advice people are offering and this advice is top of the list. Thanks [QUOTE=scotmama]i just started behavioral therapy for me us and jude(alana doesn't need it).
i have got an appointement with neurologist and psy in june to get myelf sorted,i can't expect to do all this if i don't adress my ADD first.
jude has an appt with homeopath in june as well,in britain they don't medicate befor 5
[/QUOTE]Kyle has educational psychologist and behavioural therapist they are great! I don't always agree with what they say but they are brilliant!
JUDE ALSO HAS THEM and i don't agree much with one of them.
he also has an extra teacher at the nursery,capability scotland,carer scotland and homestart.
Thanks for your comments Barb and oldermom. I agree about the autism as we have tried many bahavioural routines linked to adhd and I feel like banging my head against a wall as they don't work. Thanks
My thoughts are along the lines of what Barb is saying on this one.
I have 3 children, all boys, 14, 9 and 7. Everything with them is the SAME. Now, I do understand that our "behaviorally challenged" children need some discipline differently, but well, in my case (and my own honest opinion, not trying to step on toes), I don't buy it.
I have a kid that is 1) manic from Bipolar Disorder 2) has a hard time "getting it" from his Pervasive Development Disorder (high functioning autism) AND 3) hyperactive with no attention span from his ADHD. All this in one 9 year old kid.
And you know what? He has the same charts as my "normal" kids. He gets the same consequences as my "normal" kids. I refuse to go around - home AND school - saying "well, he's Bipolar....so" - nu uh. Not my kid.
We do charts here - that may be a consideration for you. That way, everything is broken up equally for all the kids. For example, getting dressed and ready for school in the morning. ALL the kids can do that, ALL the kids can have their chance to earn xyz, and ALL the kids are treated equally that way. Make the consequence one that ALL the kids can live with, and if your ADHD child doesn't do the task, you give the consequence.
My 7 year old has congenital heart disease. He's had 3 open heart surgeries - before he was 4. He does chores, he follows charts, and he is consequenced the same. As is Dylan (the complex one LOL).
My feelings are the way they are because I don't believe that every child doesn't "get it". I don't believe ODD is a real diagnosis. I believe that if your child has a justifiable mental illness, once that mental illness is helped with medications (or not...) - the defiance goes away. That is EXACTLY how it's been with my son. Aside from the issues he doesn't "get" - like social interaction (part of the PDD), behaviorally, he is on task.
One other thing - I punish for behaviors in school. I know, NOBODY else does - but I do. To me, school is of the utmost importance for my children, and they need to learn how to behave there. If they get in trouble, don't think you're coming home to play on the Playstation.
Sorry.
Janna
hello chell,we were the same jude hardly slept last night so we went back to bed during the day.it is the only way we can functionIt's really hard. And I do know with alot of kids things I've done just don't work - for example, the charts. I don't know why. I know of Ross Greene's book (The Explosive Child) - read bits and pieces.
I have a hard time trying to understand why kids today are so different from when we were kids. If I would have told my father to shut up, or my mother "no", my teeth would have been scrambled in my mouth.
My 14 year old brought home a parent interview about parenting skills/techniques he has to do for class. The first question was "How were you (me, his parent) disciplined as a child?" You know what the teacher told my son? "I bet at least half of your parents say they got their a*s whooped". And that was the concensus LOL!
I went through alot of behavior modification and therapy and parenting classes to get my kids - all of them, not just Dylan - to listen. 3 years ago I was the mom that would say "no" - then they'd cry, throw a rage, break something, and I'd say "Okay, okay, just here, have it!". My kids knew, very early, how to manipulate me. And I think not disciplining for behaviors in school at home makes the child think that what's the worst that's going to happen? Going to the principal's office? Being put in a time out chair? Then they come home and everything is hunkey dorey. In my children's cases, school is really important. I want them to succeed - go to college - be able to live on their own (god, I can't wait 
). Doesn't mean it'll happen, but giving Dylan an excuse because of his disorders is only setting him up. That's what I think for my child, doesn't mean everyone thinks the same, or it's the same for everyone. I can only address my kids.
I had to go thru a ton of BS to get them to where they are now. Lots of rages. Lots of headaches. Hmm, migraines is more like it. But, ultimately, it paid off. Only took me 3 years 
Everyone's opinions on this stuff is different, so I hate to put my .02 in sometimes. But that's all it is, my .02, worth what you paid for it
janna38858.5514351852H scotmama, How are You today, Have only just signed in today as I have been tired and irritable all day. Kyle slept for 1 1/2 hours last night and that was broken sleep. He finally went to sleep at 3.30 am this morning and woke up at 4.05 am then I couldn't focus on the clock anymore
I feel like sh*t today 
Problem is, the same things don't work for all kids. IMO it's best to get to the core problem and treat it. One size doesn't fit all with kids or disorders and being consistent, like you try to be with regular kids, doesn't work with different-abled kids. My friend has an Aspie son and two typicals. In spite of being the most consistent, fairest mom I've ever known, her child is 29 and still can't work (constantly fired) and is not living a normal life and she is upset he hasn't been diagnosed younger so she could have had the proper interventions for him. He is still not able to "get it" after a lifetime of her trying to explain things to him and having consequences for his behaviors. It's fine to try treating all kids the same, if your expectations aren't too high--all kids respond to different things. (And some not at all). PDD kids are definitely different in thinking/the way they perceive/ability to learn from experience. As you know, the right meds can also sometimes help a child become more able to be reached. If a child isn't stable, not sure discipline is very effective, if effective at all. janna don't be sorry i wish i could be as consistent than you.
i know i am too complecent with jude and he knows it as well but i am trying to change my way.
I should have added -
the meds helped immensely. That was a huge, huge contributing factor.
J
i just started behavioral therapy for me us and jude(alana doesn't need it).
i have got an appointement with neurologist and psy in june to get myelf sorted,i can't expect to do all this if i don't adress my ADD first.
jude has an appt with homeopath in june as well,in britain they don't medicate befor 5
Chell, if your child is on the autism spectrum, you need to learn alternative ways of parenting this child. I have one and they are not like other ADHD kids or typical kids. Advice goes out the window with these children when it comes to "logical" behavior. I suggest learning about the autism, as it is probably the main problem you have. All spectrum kids display ADHD symptoms. I highly recommend taking this kid to a NeuroPsych to sort it out and learn about how to deal with a Spectrum kid. He isn't going to understand things in the same context as your other kids and there is no way you can treat him "the same" as your other kids. Also, he should have interventions at school and possibly special ed. My son does better in a small setting and has pretty much outgrown his difficult behaviors, but not by using ADHD type interventions or regular discipline. I have another board you can try, if you like. There are several kids like yours on that board.
OlderMom38858.3081481481
I wasn't addressing my last reply to you chell. I got the impression that oldtimer thought that I believed that you can discipline the ADHD or defiance disorders out of a child. I know that you can't but I do know that no discipline will result in no improvement or personal growth and every child is capable of improving some with proper, consistent discipline.
I think we all tend to spoil our babies. My son is small for his age and it was so easy to treat him at the age he looked rather than his actual age. I do know that the longer it goes on, the harder it is to get them to respond to discipline when you realize you need to. I learned that the hard way.
[QUOTE=oldtimer]Kids are also worse at home cause it's a safety net. School claims son is better there. Yes only cause of his depakote. Some kids would have to be medicated 24 a day for this Barb. Rebellion is part of human nature. Most adults know kids want what they want when they want it which is now. They also lack patients. Some professionals need to learn control. No one is rewarded always. Attitudes today stink!Military life style would help some people. Scouts is a take off on this. Kids need to be kept busy also. [/QUOTE]
I stand on the fact that you have to discipline as well as you can. A child who grows up with no rules is destined for trouble when they are older. You can't always end up with a perfect child but that is no excuse for not doing the best you can. If you do nothing, the child learns nothing.
Thanks barb. I do discipline him, but not as much as my other 2 children who do not have adhd. I think that it is also to do with the fact kyle is my youngest and I know that I tend to treat him as my baby as he is really small for his age he is 5 and in 2-3 year old clothes. But he is also very switched on and plays up to the baby image. Hello again chell,Here's my bit on this one, i have three children, (i had four), but there names, mikey(adhd), corey-max & kaci, 8y,6y & 2y.
I always thought i would grow up & be a great mum, -i do the best i can. I always thought i would treat my children the same- its hard when they are at different ages- hence different level of understanding.
When kaci does something bad i tell her what shes done but & that it makes mummy mad, but thats it, she's only two! when my boys do something i punish them by the situation but ,mainly stopping all activities, at first they did'nt understand how kaci sort of got away with it but she never becoz she was told, once i explained to them that is what i did with them when they were bad at her age, they get it, but i have to explain a few times even now.
jude is a lot better since we got his sleeping under control. he is better humored and we are more rested.
jude has a child psychologist with the nhs my guess is so is kyle ask him about melatonin it is not a drug and for some like jude it works wonder.i have respite on a thursday where a lady from homestart takes him to play during the day and i love it ,scotdaddy works offshore and i don't have the best of health so it helps.
Kyle's latest medication has been melatonian and melatonin slow release and it doesn't work at all. We have tried that for 6 months before that was valergen and can't remember off hand the names of the others. I just know that I am shattered and my family will babysit my 2 oldest children but not Kyle as nobody can cope with it!!!!
When I put it I didn't mean kyle I meant the behavior/ adhd.
i am in the same situation they run a mile when i ask if they will take jude,also i don't have any family here.
shame melatonin did not work,i hope you find a solution.
I was thinking about ear plugs lol No we take it in turns and hopefully one day we will find a solution. If You have no family there where are You originally from?sorry i forgot you are new so you don't know i am frenchYou speak or should I say type really good english. I can just about manage english when I am this tired. Kyle is still running around here with Daddy at the minute. I think he is trying to tire him out but the only person it is working on is daddy lol
i have been in scotland for 14 years since i met scotdaddy ,i forgot my french actuallyIs he scottish then?
yes he is scottish from aberdeenI have 3 children Ryan 10, Callum 7 and Kyle 5 who has adhd and autistic tendancies....This is my dillema
: Ryan and Callum are great well bahaved, well mannered children who are really well behaved in school and get great grades. Kyle on the other hand is out of control in school! Yesterday Kyle's teacher called me in after school and she had a list of things Kyle had done that was inappropriate for class behaviour ( her words) The list included hitting several children, running out of class on 4 seperate occasions, Flooding the toilets and the list went on. The dilema I have is if Ryan and Callum had done this in school there would be consequences but because I have come to expect this of Kyle and I have been told that it is not his fault he tends to come of alot easier because of his adhd. I am worried that Ryan and Callum will come to realise that Kyle gets away with this and that they will start to resent Kyle or resent me for not discipling him and that they will start to rebel as a result of this. Please give me any advice you can...... Thanks Chell
Hi scotmama, yes Kyle hardly sleeps at all. On a excellent night he sleeps for 3 hours and a very bad night 1/2 hour. He has had 5 different types of medication now and none seem to work. They don't really seem to care as the dr's don't have to live it. All they say is social servises can help with rest bite but I don't want that. My partner is excellent though and gets up with him while I get some sleep because he doesn't drice I have to drive them all to school in the morning. Red bull helps alot though lol
Thanks for your comments oldtimer. Every comment I recieve is greatfully recieved and helps me to get things clear in my head and yes I agree about the proffesionals, I would like to see them in there own home enviroments dealing with this as I am sure there discipline's and structures would change alot.
Chell, You aren't doing your son any favors by not disciplining him. The school should handle their own problems with him but you need to teach him how to control himself at home so he learns self control. He has got to learn that he isn't special and priviledged or he will use his ADHD as an excuse to get away with everything and your life will be miserable and he will grow up to be an irresponsible adult. ADHD means you work harder, not that you get away with everything. Thats the bottom line.
You don't discipline the same way that you would for your other boys, although you can implement some of the measures with all of them. Pick your battles with him so the serious issues get taken care of first.
Look for good behavior and reward that. He will try harder to please you if he knows you notice when he does things right. With the behaviors that have to change, like hitting, flooding the toilet, etc, take away a favorite toy or privilege. Be consistent. There is an article on the marble system that Ogram uses. Several people have tried it and found it helpful.
http://www.adhdnews.com/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=16306& KW=ogram
barb38857.3533796296The bigger question is how is the school handling Kyle? Does he have an IEP? Is he in the most appropriate setting to deal with his issues? Is he getting school-based interventions?
If you read The Explosive Child, the author Ross Greene says children do well when they can. It sounds to me as if Kyle can't do well because of his issues -- he needs help. Furthmore, I strongly believe problems in school should be handled at school, and problems at home should be handled at home. I know I may be in the minority here, but I strongly believe there should be no consequences at home for problem behavior that occurs at school.
Yes I agree but yesterday after the teacher gave me this list she told me that Kyle had been given friday treat. This is what they do in school as a behaviour treat they have a rainbow chart and each time one of the children behave and do something good they go up a colour on the rainbow and when they misbehave they go down a colour if they are on the rainbow at the end of the week they get friday treat which is usually a biscuit or stickers. Kyle was given this at the school yesterday although I disagreed with the teacher as kyle is a very clever child and is switched on and knows that he got away with the behavior yesterday at school but the teacher was soon willing to tell me about his behaviour to pass the buck of the discipline. I do not know what IEP is but I am guessing it is what we call a one to one teacher for Kyle, which is what he has although before this week Kyle had started to bahave batter in class and I think they slacked off a bit and cut the 1 to 1 hours. i have a meeting with the headteacher (principle) on monday to discuss this as I do not agree he is getting the best help possible. Wow thanks Barb exactly what I needed I will remember that advice and thanks for sharing the information with me. chell i know it is hard to discipline an ADHD child but you are not doing him any favors by not punishing him.If you punish the other ones for the same behavior then do the same for him.when you think about it in his adult years he is not going to be treated differentlyHi scotdaddy I spoke to your wife last night, I know exactly what You mean but it is so hard!!! No person should get treated equal we are all different so there fore we all need what works for us. Discipline is hard cause some careless. So learn everything the hard way. I use 3 strikes rule. Here in SR our Jr. High and high school can get Saturday school they must help clean. This is good cause in life 3 times late you will get fired. Swats when necessary home/ school allowed here. Grounding is great for olde kids. Go by the childs developmental age not necessarily physical age. Just some ideas. If I make the 8 years of teenage years left in this family it will be great. Self control son has never had this at all. Tantrums started at 4 months with throwing self against a wall. His temper is bad also. Noone here has good self control we all are messy people as well. Living skills training would help my whole family if you want me to get honest. RN
hi chell i know it is hard we try to do it with jude but well,we sometimes don't manage,the difference is my daughter has never been in trouble.she always has been the teacher's pet and everybody is amazed how polite and well behaved she is so it has never been necessary for us to discipline her.
you mentionned in the basement that kyle did not sleep last night is it always like that?
Kids are also worse at home cause it's a safety net. School claims son is better there. Yes only cause of his depakote. Some kids would have to be medicated 24 a day for this Barb. Rebellion is part of human nature. Most adults know kids want what they want when they want it which is now. They also lack patients. Some professionals need to learn control. No one is rewarded always. Attitudes today stink!Military life style would help some people. Scouts is a take off on this. Kids need to be kept busy also.