low self esteem and ritalin | ADHD Information

i need some advice. my 10 year old DH had a meltdown today because she did not want to do her homework before we went out for the day. I knew she would end up doing it into the late hours if I didn't push her. She says she hates math and had other asignments as well. She crumpled up her paper, wrote pencil on the kitchen table and screams loud with a high pitch when she gets in this mood. i feel so helpless. She doesn't want to take her meds on the weend andwhen i tell her it for her own good she says "I am not sick so why do i have to take it everyday" She says it makes her feel different or stupid and I don't have the right words to appease her. How can I explain that she is no different than her freiends just because she has ADHD? and should I make her do her homeowrk before we do fun activities or let her stay up late or suffer the consequences??!!. I know meds can keep her up but getting her ready for school is another story altogether. I hope someone has some answers for me. I know this is a mouthful but it's good to get it out of my system! rdmom338858.8698958333

IMac38945.3401851852thanks imac, Ok, if she is different, how do i help her to understand this without making her feel worse, especially when she is already in a very fragile state. i don't seem to have the right words to say to her. She also has difficulty socially and has few close friends with whom she plays with outside school. She says she has friends but not too many girls call her for playdates or v.s. unless I push. Is this ok in 4th grade?(she is my oldest of 3) should I be doing more or should i back off and let her take the reigns.

I know my son, he'll push every limit if he can. I have to be very consisent with him. He is such a negotiator. In other words, stick to the routine, whatever it is. Our policy when he gets home, is 1/2 hour or so to get his jumpies out and play with the dogs, as the physical activity is so good for our kids, then straight to his work. Then, the fun stuff. Making him suffer the consequences doesn't work for him. He just doesn't learn, at least not very quickly. I think ADHDers mature a little behind their peers. They seem to thrive on the structure too, so they know what to expect. And, no means no the first time and the 20th time, so stop negotiating! Maybe the homework is so frustrating for her because it's much harder for her than her classmates, and she knows that. Would maybe a tutor help? We should have done that with my son a year or two ago. Now would be a good time to start her, maybe?

Does she not notice an improvement in her concentration when she takes the meds? Why doesn't she like to take them? My son really liked the focus it gave him, and would ask for it, even on the weekends if he had work to do.

calicorose38858.8968865741

I have always told my 14 year old that his brain just "thinks differently" than other peoples. It doesn't mean he's smarter than them, or more stupid...he just thinks differently and has to try a little harder than most. One thing that he loves is when I do a search on famous people in history that were thought to be ADD/ADHD...especially current celebrities that he sees on tv or reads about in the news. When he was younger this was a commonplace conversation between us. When he was tired, or discouraged about homework or whatever, he would always cry about how he just wanted to be like "the other kids". As he's gotten older and a little more sure of himself these conversations don't take place as often.

I agree it might be helpful for her to get a reminder of how she thinks/functions off of the meds versus when she is taking them. Send her to school one or two days without them and see what happens. I hope you find something to help her through this. Good Luck!

thanks julie. I think my daughter is very intelligent and when she puts her best effort in it shows. I am not so good with saying the right words partially because I myself am very sensitive to critisism and may have some low self esteem that I am trying to work on. i also have a son (only one year younger than my daughter) that has the same issue (2 kids on meds!) maybe that is why i am so stressed with the homework. I want things to run smoothly and when she gives me a hard time, I get very anxious because it sometimes sets my other kids off. I think i just need to know the right words to say that can be encouraging and not so negative or critical.

rdmom -

your daughter has less an ADHD problem here and more a girl problem. All kids find some subject intolerable at age 10 (especially math). It's not fun no matter which way you cut it.

It's also a 10year thing to be cliquey - to group themselves and exclude anyone who isn't one of the pack. It's a primitive social pecking order thing and many children weep through it until they find their own special group of kids. She will.

As for telling her why she should take the meds -there is a great article at http://premium.netdoktor.com/uk/adhd/treatment/medication/ar ticle.jsp?articleIdent=uk.adhd.treatment.medication.uk_adhd_ xmlarticle_004711.

You can tell her that although she doesn't have an illness like a flu where she gets sick - she has trouble with things other people find easy without the meds. Let her know there are millions of kids all over taking the exact same meds and that they don't always talk about it at school so she would never know if her friends take them too.

Explain also that taking the meds on the weekend sometimes (it's good to have med holidays now and then) helps the meds work better all through the week. The meds work best when taken every day so she can concentrate and learn better in and out of school. She'll learn to be a better friend and to do things that aren't always about the school too.

I'd recommend a therapist. Honestly a therapist who teaches cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) when combined with meds can make very serious life changes that last forever. They role play, teach real-world solutions to problems. They work on the skills that your daughter missed out on because of ADHD. ADHD starts around age 5 so much of her skills were halted at that age.

I speak from experience. I am a man who has had ADHD for about 35 years now. I missed out on the ADHD meds because of the backward 70s and am now learning things I never knew existed in a normal way.

Best wishes to you both.