BF has ADHD | ADHD Information

Hi SongBird3  - If you guys only found out last week, you both need some time to get your head around it.   To you for doing some research.  Take your time, you commented on it being a young relationship.   If he is a remarkable guy like you said, he'll understand that you both need to figure things out.  Something I have learned is no matter how hard you yourself may want something to change, or want a persons behaviour to change.....there is only one person you are in control of.  

I agree with Chazinmo counseling may be something to really consider.

  Best of Luck    MrsRed

Hello,

I have an incredible boyfriend whom up until recently I was living with.  He is a remarkable person, yet was struggling with occasional temper "tantrums," trouble with work and finances, emotional strain...  I was so much affected by his difficulties and it became a hindrance in our relationship.  After a temper issue I would be physically ill for days, though it was never directed specifically toward me. 

Though I loved him/love him dearly, I knew that we had to become strong as individuals before continuing our young relationship.  I feared it was the end of us, but wow...missed him SOOOOO much.

We found out last week that he suffers from ADHD.  Now that we have some sense of understanding we are very hopeful. He is very against medication, but is open to therapy, research, dietary change....

I want to be supportive in whatever way I can.  Does anyone have insights to share?  Advice for a girl so in love with a guy with ADHD?  :)  I have a feeling we could end up together forever IF we get everything in order.  Any input will be greatly appreciated.

Thank you and God bless.

Songbird, what exactly are these temper tantrums? You know, many people have ADHD but not all have the same symptoms. And for some, it's not really the ADHD that the biggest hindrance in their life, it's actually how they were raised and how they have handled themselves given their symptoms. It doesn't really sound like he's suffering from his ADHD, it sounds like you are!

And, if he doesn't want to get help you have to ask yourself if it's worth it. Because many people with ADHD are desparate for help so that is not typical. You are obviously a loving, supportive person and it sounds like right now you are doing everything you can.

Cheers to you,

Cheekydeeky

Though I hate to admit it, I sometimes suspect my wife would not have married me if she had known the relationship difficulties she would encounter with me.  Maybe she would have anyway.  I have been blessed with good paying jobs, though there have been several. 

Songbird-

I would be concerned with his temper, I agree it is wrong that a mood would make you sick for several days, imagine bringing a child into that or more so a child that has ADHD. I would think twice about what you are getting yourself into, I would step out of the picture and see what is happening.

Thank you all for your input... I can't tell you how reaffirming your insights have been.  They scared me, because they confirmed my fears--but I needed that.

This past weekend we were all to be together, but he had a small (relatively speaking!) episode in front of my parents--I couldn't believe it...They had never seen it in person and had been supportive and loving before that point, hoping we could "work through it."   Now, needless to say, they have changed their view and having them here was such a blessing.  We've had a great time together , just we family and I now feel strong in my decision to have true space for myself.  I hope that he seeks help and makes his way through it--finally understanding that I can't do that for him and that being around him doesn't help either of us at this point...  Fingers are crossed and I continue to pray.

In the meantime... best wishes to you all and thank you again!

Songbird, that bit about you being physically ill for days after a temper issue
raises red flags for me.  There is something very seriously wrong with the
relationship if that is happening.  Either you need to learn to calmly ignore
his emotional issues;  or he needs to learn not to do stuff that you find
(what?  Threatening?  overwhelming?  etc.)  or ... maybe your body is telling
you something -- tellling you that this guy is dangerous and you'd better
get away from him.

If you feel your emotions are overreacting, you may get some help from
the book "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy" by David Burns.  Cognitive
Therapy to get control over over-reacting emotions by analysing the thoughts
that lead to those emotions.

If he's doing stuff like yelling, threatening, insulting you or whatever, he
needs to stop that and you need to stay away from him until he does.

When one person is so deeply affected by their partner's anger, I would
be very suspicious that the person with the tantrums is getting away with
getting to make the important decisions or getting to define the terms in
which the rules are defined or somehow getting advantages out of the
tantrums.  This can easily happen without either person being consciously
aware of it.  It tends to get worse and worse unless you realize what's
going on and put your foot down and don't be ruled by fear of the other
person's tantrums.  That sort of pattern in a relationship can easily lead
eventually to physical violence even if the partner has never been violent
in the past.

If he knows that his tantrums affect you like that, he should go and have
his tantrums somewhere where you can't see and hear him.  If he claims
he can't control himself to stop making you physically ill for days -- how do
you know in a few years he won't be claiming he can't stop himself from
beating you up?  It happens.

Books that might help:

The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner
"Why Does He Do That?  Inside the Minds of Angry and Controllling Men" by someone else

Note that it's normal for people to get angry.  People have to be allowed to
get angry.  However, the things they do when they get angry have to be
controlled and responsible and within limits and not such as to hurt people.
You need to figure out whether it's reasonable for you to learn not to be hurt --
or whether he really has to stop doing whatever he's doing.

Amen songbird - you can tell by the amount of replies how strongly we all were concerned for you.  We as ADDers know - that we dont need to be horrible.  We as ADDers resent badly behaved ADDers as they give us bad reputations.

We are good people, who acknowledge our faults and endeavour to be better people everyday, we constantly search for ways to be better people.  We are not disabled, ADD is just an reason to be exceptional, not an excuse to be abusive.

Never accept less from your future partners than you deserve, despite their excuses, they should respect, support, share and be honest.  That is the true qualities of a good relationship.

My love to you.

For what it is worth, I have been married 21 years.  I have ADHD but thought I had grown out of it at the time of marriage.  The ADHD actually made me very attentive (hyper focused) on my wife before marriage, but that focus dissapated quickly after marriage.  When the "rush" of first love begins to fade, ADHD becomes a much more prevelant issue in a marriage.

Personally, if I had a choice - please forgive me everybody - i would not marry a man with adhd if I had other prospects.  Love is not everything!

Reasons;

Increased chance of having children with ADHD - very difficult ADHD man that will not consider medication is not open minded and therefore if everything else fails - your stuck with what you got. You are marrying the man that is in front of you now - DO NOT EXPECT you can change or help or cure him - that is purely up to him. ADHD can cause extreme financial problems due to difficulty in sustaining work IT is a bloody rollercoaster ride - and it never ends.  There is never a break.I totally agree with you Rae70 !

Songbird,  There are many types of ways ADD'ers act.  Many can't hold jobs.  Fortunately I'm not one of those.  Many are socially inept, not me either.  But I can't focus or give any attention to anything I deem remedial.  I have been taking medicine for 5 months now, it has been the best thing for my marriage and my job.  I can pay more attention to my own thoughts and control my impulsive mind and mouth!  Why does he oppose meds?  If you didn't know the most common drug given is a stimulant.  Very little side effects, no long term problems with a healthy person.  It doesn't make me feel dopey in any way at all, the side effect I've had is loss of appetite and a 25lb drop in weight.  He should at least try the stimulants.  Good luck. ADD is a gift.  Each person needs to be able to use it to there benefit!

Elton - you are an ADDer with a good self esteem.  You can acknowledge your downfalls, make the most of your talents and therefore your qualities, regardless of ADHD or not make you a good choice in a partner.

Unfortunately, the traits described by Songbird3 regarding her BF are not so appealing.  He has not accepted his situation, he is not open minded, he seems to now use ADHD as an excuse for his bad tempers and he obviously has not got it together in any way.

I also have ADD, I am married, I have 4 children etc, and I am doing a fairly good job - why - because I accept my failings and utilise techniques and corrective thinking to arse my way out of my messes. 

What I would hate for songbird is to remain in a relationship with an ADDer that has not worked on himself.  He will obviously become comfortable in the relationship and use the negative techniques that are habitual within the existing relationship already.  Personally, I believe he wont change unless his comfort zone is confronted, ie; leaving him to stabilise himself and not expect his partner to have to put up and shut up because he chooses not to medicate.

It is a hard road trying to come to terms with add without meds, I did it for the past 30 years, I have only recently tried them, they were tremendously soul saving whilst I was taking them, but I found that lack of 'caring about anything' I felt, made mothering a bit difficult.  I did make progress and ground work throughout those med free years, but I lost 3 relationships, could not work (because I was overwhelmed with the relationship breakdowns (not all my fault), had 4 children with 3 different fathers (unfortunately I tended to be attracted to fellow ADDers), lost my life savings etc etc....  But crap happens!

If songbird wishes to go through all this - good luck to her - but personally if I could be responsibility free again (without kids) I would not put myself in a relationship with a person with major social & emotional issues, because I think my own are enough to cope with.  And personally, some adhd men are just like having another child and not a husband

Rae7038247.9506712963

Thank you everyone for your input...It's been so helpful.  I guess it is best to take things day at a time.  I was really thinking of moving back in with him the other day, to save us both $ and also because we miss being together so darn much.  Now I realize that we both really need to get our selves in order and find out what is best for both of us--together and separately.  Usually he is in agreement with this, though doesn't want me living away...We are both really in a learning phase which I suspect will go forever on. 

He had been thinking that now that we know it is his ADHD (or at least that is contributing to our struggles) that we forge on as we were, live together, plan on forever ... because it "isn't him" and he "isn't crazy."  I already believed these things and know taht we have to learn to manage it all.  We bought some books and I want us both to see a counselor...If and when I'm convinced living together, staying together is best for us both, then I will agree to that.  This is the hardest thing I've ever done--having left, etc....but it did encourage him evaluate and turn around to get help.  I'm scared to have to be the strong one/decision maker when it comes to these things and am not sure if I'm ready or able.  I do know he and we are worth the fight.  I love him dearly--he is truly remarkable.

Thank you again--I'd love to stay in touch with others who can relate or share insight.  Your board is a great source as well.

My parents are flying in so we'll all 4 be together this weekend...we'll see how it goes!

Love & peace....

His temper may or may not be related to ADHD.

Make sure that he is going to try to do everything he can on his own to get treatment and to work very hard at taking care of himself. Don't end up in a position where he is dependent on you for his success in dealing with his problems. They are his problems and he has to deal with them. Do not fall into a "parent-child" or "doctor-patient" relationship trap.  

You can be understanding and supportive by learning as much about it as you can. It also is important to know what is ADHD and what is not.

Why is he so against medication? Does he have a history of substance abuse? If his problems are mild enough that diet, exercise, and therapy can deal with it, that is obviously the best way to go. But medication is one of the many tools a doctor has available to treat ADD. I think many people have misconceptions about medication.

In addition to his ADD therapy, you may want to consider joint counseling (I guess you cannot call it marriage counseling if you are not married, but you know what I mean). That can help to sort out what is an ADD issue and what may just be relationship issues you can solve. Why not deal with it up front and possible save yourselves possibly years of problems? If you do stay together, you may well be able to buy yourselves a lot of ectra time to enjoy life by facing this stuff early on.