Adult son with ADHD | ADHD Information

I am not sure this is the correct forum for this post, but here goes.  My son is 29 years old and has been diagnosed with ADD/ADHD since he was 6-7 years old.  His mother and I were divorced around that time and I raised him alone until he was 13 years old in CA.  He was transferred from the public school system to an excellent facility (Children's Health Council of Menlo Park) for children with learning diabilities from about age 8 until age 11 and then went into the Palo Alto School system for Junior High School with special classes for learning disabled kids.  He has always struggled with school and we tried Ritalin for about a year when he was at CHC - but he did not want to take drugs and I was not convinced of their worth.  After graduation from Junior High School in Palo Alto, he left CA and went to live with his mother in OR for High School.  Unfortunately, he did not receive the structured support for school he needed and fell into drugs and basically opted out of school in his Junior year.  He then decided to go into the military and went to the local community college to finish High School so he could enter the military.  The military gave him discipline.  He came back to OR after his time in the military was up and spend a few years working in the wood products industry doing physical work.  Two years ago I moved to CT from CA to take a job.  I invited my son to come to CT to live with me and go to college here - I would provide room and board and his GI bill would provide his college costs.  It has been a difficult time living with him again.  I had rented a 4 bdrm house for the two of us and so there was lots of space for us to be in.  However, I found him to be constantly negative about everything including me - it seemed everything I did was wrong and he let me know about it - daily. In the last year I lost my job and it has put a financial strain on us both - we moved to a small two bedroom and his negativity has only increased.  I have tried to help him with his classes and it has been extreemly difficult to maintain my composure in the face of his negativity towards me and just about everything.  I care so much about him and want him to get his education and have and am willing to sacrifice to help him, but I need to convince him that he needs help.  He is a veteran and has veteran medical coverage, but he says that he can't get help for ADHD through the VA.  Neither of us has medical coverage at this time - I am still out of work and we can't afford to pay out of pocket - have no money.  Today, from the time he got up and I drove him to school, every word out of his mouth was negative.  Finally, this evening when I couldn't take it anymore I went into my room and closed the door.  A little later, I knocked on his door and when he invited me in, I asked if we could talk and I told him that he had been negative all day and that according to him, nothing I do is right.  He then proceeded to reiterate all the things I do wrong.  I pointed this out to him and he said that there isn't anything postive to comment on.  I told him that he just doesn't seem to see the positive.  He mentioned my leaving on a burner on the electric stove ( which he found immediately and let me know about).  He said he was worried about the house burning down.  I said that everyone makes mistakes and he said he doesn't make mistakes like me.  I said that I have never come close to burning down a house, but reminded him that he once did accidentally start a fire in the townhouse we lived in when he was young - he got angry and told me I better leave his room "right now".  In the last year there have been more than one instance where he came close to striking me out of frustration when we were in an arguement.  I would (and will when I can afford to) move out and live apart from him, but right now I can't afford to.  But, he needs help and neither of us can aford it and I am doubtful I can convince him to seek help.  Please counsel me - I am very worried about him - and me.

father - big hug !!!!!

Your son sounds very difficult to deal with and I feel for you.  You have done so much for him and have been so patient for so long.  But he is a grown up now and regardless of his adhd/add he has to leave the nest - for your sake.

Do you have any mates that you could spend some nights away with to give you a break.  This might be the start of a weaning process.  If he sees you having a life, then he might stop trying to be your life.

Perhaps you could join a singles club, or meet someone through the personals or agenceis.  You need something just for you.

There are many of us adhders out there not living with our parents dealing with our depression and surviving.  Perhaps you could recommend this site to him.  (but I would - because I am sneaky - delete my entry first )

We would all be happy to support him and try to help him through.  There are some fabulous people on this forum.

 

Hi! I am a Life Coach Expert specializing in helping adults with Attention Deficit Disorder. I think it's wonderful that you are reaching out for help to support your adult son. People suffering from ADD often end up depressed because of their high frustration level. Perhaps their would be some type of medical treatment for depression that your son would be eligible for. Once treated for depression, he might make progress and you could then work toward attaining medicine to help him with his ADD symptoms.

1. Having your son exercise every day would be a great way to reduce stress, treat his depression and even improve his ADD symptoms. Aerobic exercise works best. Perhaps you could invite him to jog with your or go on a walk.

2. Exposure to sunshine and bright light also helps heal depression and ADD symptoms. Encourage your son to take a walk outside everyday.

3. St. John's Wort is a natural herbal medicine that can be used to treat depression and is very affordable. You can find it at most health food stores.

4.  Encourage your son. Make a list of ways you can compliment him on his strengths and reinforce good behavior. I know it is difficult, but if you can keep trying to put a cheerful spin on things it will help.

5. Consider hiring a personal coach who can help your son work toward his goals and overcome his ADD and Depression symptoms.  Many coaches will offer reduced fees or delayed payments for hardship cases.

5a. Caffeine acts as a stimulant and can help curb ADD symptoms. Red Bull Energy Drink, Coca Cola, coffee and green tea are all drinks that may provide some relief of ADD symptoms.

I hope these suggestions prove helpful.

Your son sounds a lot like me in moods and behavior. I 27 and still trying to get through college as hopeless as it seems right now.

I have just started realizing that I snap at people and criticize them very quickly for the littlest things. I know a lot of that for me is when I see someone make a mistake I need to show them because I'm tired of people criticizing me and acting like everything I do is wrong. It's kind of like saying you're always yelling at me well look how dumb you are leaving the stove on. (or whatever the situation happens to be). Most of the time you don't even realize you're doing it. From what you explained about your son's school career I'm sure he got the same attitude and shoddy treatment from his teachers that I experienced. Once they label you the bad kid it doesn't matter what you do or how many other kids did the same thing you will always be blamed. I can't even count the times I got dragged down to the office by my teachers while she told the group of kids I was with to go back to class. After awhile you start seeing this pattern and by that point any little criticism feel like a personal attack.

I've always been aggressive but the more stressed I am the easier I am to set off. The thing that really get's me mad is when people (including my family) act like I'm stupid because I have adhd. I'm smarter then they are and it drives me nuts when they think they can talk down to me or don't listen when I tell them something. I have one person that always asks me for help but then calls someone else to make sure my info is right. I could understand if I had given them bad advice in the past but so far I have not been wrong. Still she won't believe it until she hears it from someone else. And it's not like I'm a know it all either. If I don't know something I'm the first to admit it. Of course these same people who won't listen to me will throw all kinds of unsolicited advice on what I should do. If one more person tells me to go for a walk when I'm feeling really uncomfortable and hyperactive I will lose it. I mean come on I'm 27 years old if simply going for a walk would make me feel better don't you think 1) I would have tried that already or 2)I would be doing it. Again I'm not stupid so the 1500th time you suggest taking a walk isn't gonna change anything. I heard you and told you why that doesn't work for me the first 100 times you suggested it. If I'm the one with adhd why can't they concentrate and remember what I say. They can't possibly help and it was a nice offer at first but now it just shows they have no desire to understand anything about me or adhd.

Ok sorry ranting a bit there had a bad day.

The only other thing I can offer is that a lot of adult "children" have problems living with their parents once they have left and started there adult lives. That's not something that effects just ADDers. Once the dynamic of the relationship changes from the parent/child level things tend to get weird for awhile. Parents still want to help and protect but their children don't need or at the very least want that anymore. They are adults and want to be treated like equals.