yes. i looked into acoa many years ago.
it helped a lot. but it didn't help me really get my s**t together.
there is more difference in me this last year of approaching life conscious of being adhd, than in decades of work on self-esteem, depression, family of origin issues, etc.
adult children of alcoholics(and other problem parents) do need to find a way to deal with those issues of neglect, abandonment, and abuse. it leaves scars that will have negative effects on your loved ones, whether you like it or not.
thanks to my experiences in acoa, i was able to heal enough to start seeing other, underlying problems that have caused so much difficulty for me.
like adhd.
seeker6338864.787037037
ch - I wonder that myself. Am I me or am I my disorders? And sometimes I think, perhaps I don't really have any of my disorders maybe I'm just bad.
it all makes me wonder --- what is me??? am i just the almagamation of a whole load of disorders.[QUOTE=chjones]
and who gets to decide what is the positive and what is the negative.
[/QUOTE]
IMO, everyone judges everyone else, but ultimately we decide for ourselves. I decide for myself based on my own beliefs and core identity, and what parts of me work in the world in a way that satisfies me.
Someone once told me that the world requires us to wear different costumes in different circumstances. ("costumes" was meant to include clothing but also ways of acting.) So, my costumes change at times now but I can tell what is "me" beneath any costume I'm wearing. I'm willing to be flexible but not beyond what the core person inside of me feels I should do in the circumstance.
With my disorders, I feel they are not me. They, for me, are like a learning experience. I'm living as me with the challenge of add, for example. (Like I am me with the challenge of trying to communicate with people who speak Japanese and use chopsticks when in Japan.) However, the result of living with this add experience has created circumstances that have made my identity clearer to myself.
.IMac38943.8012962963 [QUOTE=Countrygirl]
And sometimes I think, perhaps I don't really have any of my disorders maybe I'm just bad.
[/QUOTE]Thanks for all the feedback. This is very helpful to me.
I don't feel we are defined by our disorders, but rather we must recognize and attempt to overcome anything that is affecting our lives in an adverse manner. As Imac states "undiagnosed and untreated, [ADDers] usually underachieve or have to work harder at things than non-ADHDers do." And as Hallowell and others have pointed out in numerous books, ADHD is a lot like near-sightedness. It's not our "fault" nor is it beneficial - we simply must get our version of glasses to correct the condition. (Too bad there's not a version of Lasik to permanently fix the ADD!).
There is a tremendous amount of relief in being able to put a label on the condition and get the appropriate help. For example, the first psydoc I saw heard my history, and undoubtedly picked up on the years of frustration caused by being an ACOA and prescribed anti-depressants. But the depression meds did nothing for my mood since it wasn't due to achemical imbalance but rather the side effect of learning to stifle my emotions all my life, etc. It wasn't until I mentioned that the story of my life was "always starting things and never finishing," and that "my wife was ready to leave me because I keep either interrupting her or walking out of the room sometimes when she is in mid sentence - and not being aware of doing anything wrong" -that we ran the tests for ADD.
The bottom line is that many of us suffer from various conditions that we would be better off without. I can live with being an ACOA. I don't blame my parents, nor do I feel I am condemned to being a "victim" my whole life. However, when it comes to ADD one can't simply conquer the condition through force of willpower (a la A Beautiful Mind).
Up next: is it ADD or Bipolar Disorder, or both? (and how does one know for sure)?
I can relate to having a parent who was very selfish acting (and also had add). Although neither of my biological parents ever drank much alcohol nor took other drugs, I was also not allowed to have any real problems, etc, while at the same time other things were center stage. I almost feel guilty saying a parent was selfish because I love her and I feel protective of her - but she was.
I also had a step parent where I lived during much of 8th grade and high school who was alcoholic. So, I may be albe to relate. However, I've never formally considered myself ACOA.
I am also very responsible in some ways despite the natural fog and add characteristics. I have add but I'm also pretty hard on myself. IMO, the combination can be a huge disability but also has the potential to be a real strength - after getting a grip on both.
TheDog38864.6166782407[QUOTE=chjones] [QUOTE=Countrygirl]
And sometimes I think, perhaps I don't really have any of my disorders maybe I'm just bad.
[/QUOTE]
that's funny that you think that cg --- because i was just thinking the other day - i wish i could be more like cg she's all heart and generosity and good humor and positiveness. and i'm all 'dry head' and calculating and ungiving and negativeness.
funny how we see ourselves. i would never have thought you saw yourself as bad. how crazy that seems to me.
i often think my ADD stops my from being as bad as i otherwise would be. honestly i have total megalomaniacal tendencies (but as i've said before) - it's hard to take over the world when going down the road to get a pint of milk can defeat you!
oh dear. otherwise i would be dictator in chief and every morning have 20,000 people bowing down to me just for the fun of it.
[/QUOTE]
Personally I like the idea of having 20,000 bowing down to me...but, then again, I am a goddess. Really, you flatter me. I am moody and unpredictable to the point that even I don't know what I will do next.
Thanks for all the feedback. This is very helpful to me.
I don't feel we are defined by our disorders, but rather we must recognize and attempt to overcome anything that is affecting our lives in an adverse manner. As Imac states "undiagnosed and untreated, [ADDers] usually underachieve or have to work harder at things than non-ADHDers do." And as Hallowell and others have pointed out in numerous books, ADHD is a lot like near-sightedness. It's not our "fault" nor is it beneficial - we simply must get our version of glasses to correct the condition. (Too bad there's not a version of Lasik to permanently fix the ADD!).
There is a tremendous amount of relief in being able to put a label on the condition and get the appropriate help. For example, the first psydoc I saw heard my history, and undoubtedly picked up on the years of frustration caused by being an ACOA and prescribed anti-depressants. But the depression meds did nothing for my mood since it wasn't due to achemical imbalance but rather the side effect of learning to stifle my emotions all my life, etc. It wasn't until I mentioned that the story of my life was "always starting things and never finishing," and that "my wife was ready to leave me because I keep either interrupting her or walking out of the room sometimes when she is in mid sentence - and not being aware of doing anything wrong" -that we ran the tests for ADD.
The bottom line is that many of us suffer from various conditions that we would be better off without. I can live with being an ACOA. I don't blame my parents, nor do I feel I am condemned to being a "victim" my whole life. However, when it comes to ADD one can't simply conquer the condition through force of willpower (a la A Beautiful Mind).
Up next: is it ADD or Bipolar Disorder, or both? (and how does one know for sure)?
[/QUOTE]
Know for sure? One of the symtoms of bipolar is denial. I denied it for years. Would have been so much better off getting on mood stabilizers earlier. Both? could be, I'm Bipolar/ADHD . So much overlaps it is really difficult to dx. Now I can tell the difference between regular hyperactivity and the "speedy" feeling you can get when manic. It took me having a really big manic episode before I really believed it. And I do believe it sometimes. Now I am able to look back and remember having them off and on since I was a teen. I was a moody kid too. Maybe I've always had it. Don't know, It was normal to me.
I like the idea of lasik. Maybe on my other planet.
Might I inquire, what makes you consider bipolar? Once I posted a poll about comorbid conditions. You would be surprised at how many "closet" bipolars are on the board. I can't say that I blame them, it has a terrible stigma.
I've been diagnosed with ADHD - Inattentive type by 2 psy docs (yes, I got a 2nd opinion), WEBMD Assess+, book tests, etc.
However, I am also the Adult Child of Alcoholics (ACOA) and I notice there are a lot of similarities between the 2 conditions. To wit:
anxiety, substance abuse, addiction to excitement, problems with intimacy, low self-esteem, tendency to react to things that happen (not plan out, ie impulsivity), and some others.
Both these conditions have a huge impact on one's life, so that alone can't be used as a criteria for determining which condition one primarily suffers from.
The biggest difference that I can see is that an ACOA is hyper-sensitive to his environment and the feelings/ reactions of others, whereas an ADD Adult is unable (or finds it difficult) to pay attention to others and often either interrupts or tunes people out. Both can cause intimacy problems for instance.
Also, ACOAs can be super-responsible whereas Adult ADDers generally have a hard time keeping a job/ managing finances, etc.
What if one has both (like me)? Is anyone else an ACOA? Do you think this caused/ exacerbated your ADD?
For example, as an ACOA I acted responsibly and was a "good" kid. I have a pretty high IQ and figured out how to get through school. I never excelled, but I did pretty well. As an ADDer, I was bored out of my skull, daydreamed, and never put the time and effort in to master the subject matter.
Another thought comes to mind. Since my parents were alcoholics (and my Mom has ADD as well) they were fairly self-centered and they didn't acknowledge or admit that I might have ADHD as a kid. That would rock the boat. We weren't "allowed" to have problems.
I'd appreacitate any feedback on the topic.