One of the best things I ever heard in my life was," You don't have to be your kid's friend, you have to be their parent." It's really okay if your kid shouts" I hate you!" at you, as long as they are safe at home when they do it. I guess I'm trying to say, it's time to strap on the B*d *ss pants and makes some decisive cuts in her social life. Even if you don't condone her behavior, if you don't actively and thoroughly discourage it, you may as well give your blessing. I would call every single one of her questionable friends out on the carpet, especially those who are older than her. I'd let them all know that they are being watched and are expendable in her life. She may be very vocal about how you are ruining her life, but years from now she'll know you cared. That's what I woould do, just my opinion. Good luck!
edited to add: Also, I'd make sure that she didn't have access to myspace, which I consider a dangerous and insidious web site.
BPQW38868.6539699074Yes, it's common. Kids with disorders of all types tend to get into more trouble and, yes, I'd put my foot down, even though it may not help. It will NEVER help if you don't. I had a daughter who started smoking at 12 (I didn't know) and doing drugs by 13 (again, I was stupid and didn't know) and was first on parole at age 15 (we thought it was only booze and pot). Now that she's clean I am horrified to find out how far it went--she even tried ecstascy, herone, etc. and she was no virgin either, which was the least of my concerns by then. I would take as tough a stand as possible. I would even confront the boyfriend's parents and tell them about him, although they probably know. I'd want to know what kind of kid he really is. Maybe you can find out if he's on drugs. My daughter had to leave the house at 18 (we made her) to straighten out. I don't think she would have if we'd been soft on her. She's doing really well now, and I doubt if she would be if we'd enabled her behavior or never tried to do anything about it. I would make your daughter comply or not get a driver's license next year. That worked really well for us (well, as good as anything could work when your kid is on drugs) JMHO OlderMom38868.6020833333I think it's impossible to avoid any of that stuff at age 15.
I have a 15 year old son, nonADHD ... and he tells me EVERYTHING. Much more than I'm sure his friends would like. He tells who is drinking, smoking, doing drugs, having sex, "friends with benefits", duping their parents, etc. It's rampant, and it would be hard for any 15 year old to avoid it. And I'm pretty sure that the majority of the kids he's talking about don't have ADHD either.
I personally think it's a far cry between smoking cigarettes and getting into heavy drugs, crime, etc. Unless you were referring to marijuana?
The important thing is that there is adequate discussion about health impact, morals, ethics, self-worth, self-esteem, peer pressure and making good choices. Maybe not all kids are as approachable as mine (I know I'm lucky to have this relationship with him), and maybe most of them would tune out any discussion that could resemble a lecture... but it sure is worth a try. From our discussions I can tell that my son has very little respect for a lot of what's going on, and he's confident enough to stand by his decisions - which are usually good ones.
Obviously, some kids are way more susceptible to peer-pressure than others, and maybe you'll get an idea of how far she could become swayed into doing things she shouldn't just by having an open chat, if you can. If I could tell that my son didn't give a damn, then I'd definitely put my foot down too. I haven't had to deal with any of this with my ADD son ... yet, but I'll sure be keeping a close eye on things too. But you're right, the chance of your daughter rebelling is high, so it's a fine line to walk.
One thing that my family does have is a really good example of the effects of drugs on a person. My much older sister is schizophrenic, "one of the worst cases they've seen". We know that she would have likely been that way to a small degree, but when she was a teenager she dabbled in all sorts of nasty street drugs, cough syrups, you name it. It put her WAY out in the stratosphere, and my sons have seen enough over the years to know that they don't want to be anything like her. Sad, but at least it's served as a beneficial warning for the rest of the family.
PB
I agree with BPQW. In fact, I am suspecting that this smoking kid is probably doing drugs. No, they don't always go together, but my daughter, the one who did drugs, say they usually do. It also seems that this isn't a "good" kid who complies and doesn't just have one bad habit. I wouldn't be surprised if they were sexually active. Some kids are comdemning of the kids who get into trouble (my other two grown boys were) and some are insecure and crave acceptance at any cost (like my daughter--we've had many discussions since then). I did try talking to her at length during her troubled years, but she lied. And she could lie well. I would lower the boom because, I agree, that doing nothing is your stamp of approval. Never be afraid of your kids. My daughter and I are best friends now. She was just a tougher kid to raise.
When I was 15, I was like your doughter (and Im not ADHD), I smoked and drink, but nothing else. It was enough to me to read one scary book about drug and I never wont to try it. But what scares me scare me is to find my dd doing that in few years - but that is part of adulting, we like it or not.
I would keep an eye on her friends couse there is big probability they will affect on her bahavior -in bad or good way.
wow im 14 and i can totally relate! i have a brother with adhd...(thats not the point) i have dated a smoker and drinker but they didnt tell me till one day i saw him doing it and i almost tried it! i felt stupid becasue i cant stand smoke and drinking is a bad taste! i would talk to her face to face...asking her about george..and get some more info about him if thats possible. please dont sneak around with myspace and anything that will get you caught. ive caught my mom sneaking around on my computer..and i hated her for about a month..i mean i got over it..but if your going to do anything that you know she wouldnt want you to do..then just be really sneaky about it! and when you wash her clothes (if you do) smell them and if they stink of odor of smoke or beer...then go face to face and ask her what it is all about! i mean i wouldnt want my kid to be dating someone who could get her into trouble or anything like that. i know a lot of kids who smoke these days and drink too..i really dont think adhd kids have anything to do with anything. they might try it more than a non-adhd child would..but with all the kids that smoke and drink these days..its really no big deal to find a kid drunk and passed out on the side of the street..its pretty sad...i can relate because i am younger...oh and if she asks if she can go hang out with george..simply say "i dont think its a good idea for you to hang out with them" and if you know for a fact that he smokes drinks or does any other drugs you should defently split them up..i mean YOUR the adult here...she cant go out and do this stuff..you wouldnt want her to get into trouble or even end up dead and knowing that you could of done somethin about it...
carrie
Just playing Devil's Advocate here (for George, and your daughter):Your dd may rebel now but in the long run she will have far more respect for you. It could be that your dd wants you to draw the line for her. Things may be tough for a while but someday she may look at you and thank you for helping her and apologize for making things so hard on you.
My dd's are 17 and 14, and they too have told me stories of what the kids are doing, often right at school and it's frightening what they are faced with this days. Who knows maybe your dd secretly wants your help and than again it could require a lot of tough love, either way if it were my kid I'd get in there and fight for their future.
Much luck and stay strong!
.IMac38944.9073032407IMac, the ADHD behavior started before age six. She was diagnosed at age 6. And yes, she is on medication now. I am going to try and see what George* is all about. Thank you everyone for your replies.lovethesummer38869.6203356481