Suggestions on what to do | ADHD Information

We have been raising our grandaughter for the last 10 years. She has just turned 20. She has addhd and is on straterra right now. She is very immature for her age. She has the maturity of about a 15 year old probably. She has never had many friends but in the last six months has gotten in a group of kids that she got acquainted with at work. They seem to be nice kids for the most part but I really don't know much about a couple of them. One is a boy that lives down the street from us. He is about 2 years younger than she is. She has been staying out past midnight for about a month several times a week with these kids. We have told her as long as she lives here she has to go by the rules that we have and she is supposed to be home by midnight. Last night it was 2:45 when she finally got home. We cannot ground her as it would not do any good so we told her when this behavior first started that she has lost her priviledge of using our computer and television for a week every time she stays out after her curfew.At the rate she is going she will not have the priviledge of using these until next fall righ now. This has not really affected her as she just goes to these friends house to watch television. She has a part time job and the last two mornings had to be to work at 8:00 and the last two nights have been very late so she was a zombie this morning without much rest. We are at our wits end on how to get her to end this behavior. We cannot insist she live somewhere else as she does not make that much money and would probably fall in with people that are really a bad influence to her if she did live somewhere else. They are not really doing anything that is bad that I know of . The group goes to the mall, eats at fast food places, skateboards at a skateboard park and things like that as far as I know. She has a cell phone and is pretty good about keeping us informed about where she is going. She only recently got interested in skateboarding as the boy that lives down the street does this. She goes through her money as fast as she can spend it most of the time. She took out money from her savings account to buy the skateboard for 9.00. She is supposed to be saving money to buy a car but the way she goes through it I don't know if she will ever have enough. She is supposed to have another job starting in about a week. It is a full time job at a child care place. I was happy about that but she is going to Sears today with that boy down the street to apply for a job there as they pay more than the other place she said. She does not need to work at the mall and I am sure it is not a full time job. The one at the child care place is Monday through Friday with weekends off. We intend to talk to her today to explain that somethings are more important in a job that how much they pay. The job at the child care place is full time, weekends and holidays off and they have benefits. Anybody have suggestions what to do about the late nights??? Thanks in advance.

gmam,

I think you should talk it over with her counselor.  Maybe he will be able to help you better since he knows the history and has been treating her for several years.

 

Pardon me for being frank, but I think you need to stop enabling her to do these things.  The only reason she has money is because you feed her, house her, and probably clothe her.  I think if she is not going to be in school, she should be supporting herself.  You are not going to be around forever.  Maybe she is acting like 15 because she doesn't have to act 20.

I would begin charging her rent and making a house curfew.  If she doesn't like it and won't abide by it than you should tell her to get her own place.  When she realizes how much things cost in life maybe then she'll get a more responsible job.  If thats not possible than maybe she should return to school.

Don't use the ADHD as an excuse.  She must live her life with it and learn how to be self sufficient.   You are not a grandparent to her - now you are a parent.  A parent must teach their children to live on their own - not with you. 

I know you love her and these things are hard, but you are doing it for HER OWN GOOD.

 

Wow, that's a tough one.  She's got adhd, but is she impaired otherwise?  What kind of legal responsibility do you have towards her?  If she is a legally responsible adult, you may be pushing her farther away. When I was 20, way back when, if my parents had tried to control my actions, aside from asking for rent, I would have found the first possible chance to get away.  If you don't have legal guardianship of her as an adult, you will probably have to cut her some slack or ask her to leave. She'll never be an adult if she doesn't have to act like one.

edited for spelling 

BPQW38870.5098726852Does she have any other diagnosis?  It sounds like she is living like a care free like a young adult and she has no responsibilities as of yet.  Is she interested in any kind of trade school? A trade school can teach her skills for employment explain to her if she ever wishes to move out on her own having a good  job with benefits will be necessary.  Unfortunetly there is not much you can do she has to learn on her own and hopefully not the hard way.  Does she have a therapist or coach to help her along?  Good luck anyways.  JillShe does pay rent and she has chores that she has to do around the house. She also goes to a counselor as do I. We have been going several years and he says she acts like a 15 or 16 year old maturity wise. He does not think making her get her own place at this time would be good. She is very naive and influenced easily by her peers and other people. I know she is just trying to assert her independence right now. We do have a contract with her about rent and chores but at the time we drew it up she was not staying out late so I guess it is time to renegoiate it.  She does have some learning disabilities and it was a struggle for her to get through school but she did with a lot of pushing from us. I think it will just take her longer to mature than most young people.

  Hmmm.....normally I'd suggest tough love (such as; if you're not home by our curfew you're locked out for the night or somekind of consequence you find appropriate and that you can comfortably enforce) , but since her maturity level is only that of a 15-16 year old, it's a tough call. That adds a twist to the equation and makes giving you advice harder, at least for me.

   Kudos to you for getting her through High School ! I just wanted to address that, because that's no easy feat with a kid that has a LD or other issues going on. Great job ! That's a wonderful accomplishment for all of you !

 

  Have you sat her down adult-to-adult and explained that you & DH are getting older (not that you're old...I hope you know what I mean) and that it's disruptive to your sleep/routine/a matter of respect that there be somekind of curfew, etc. and you don't want to be woke up in the middle of the night and tried to get her to compromise with you on a curfew she can respect ? Maybe getting her to work with you would help you feel like you still have some sort of control over her and in your home and at the same time help her feel like she can have some independance ?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I know that she is in your home but if she was at college she would be doing the exact same thing...if not more...the primary difference is that most parents don't see this and because they don't  live with college age children and  you do.

If she is not going to college she does need to get started in the world of work...and she does need a job that has benefits...one or two trips to the doc without insurance would make her broke.

I would keep pushing but not too hard to push her out

Perhaps things might just change when the kids she is hanging around leave for school

good luck

joemom38871.1964930556

Guys,

I take this from living with Adhd.org and i guess everyone like it :-)

An ADHD diagnosis is not formal until formal tests have been
given by a licensed psychologist or other mental health
professional.  Unfortunately, these days school teachers are
the ones making the diagnosis when they usually have no
qualifications to be able to do so.  I think it is good to
be cautious in diagnosing disorders and loosely labeling
children with ADHD when that may not truly be the case.
Often times symptoms of ADHD look like a lot of other
things, and it is extremely important to a child's well-
being to be careful in the process of evaluating them.  It
is important and essential, though, that school teachers are
keeping their eyes and ears open while teaching.  If they
notice that a child is having more difficulties than other
kids, first tell the parents. Then make sure that something
is done about getting the child tested for ADHD and other
learning disabilities. Some children do not get tested, and
they struggle in school and life when they don't have to.
Education and counseling early can really prevent children
with ADHD in having as many struggles that tend to hold them
back in various ways.

After is has been decided that a child should be tested for
ADHD, it needed to be decided which ADHD test should be
taken to evaluate for the disorder.  There are a few
different tests that will effectively diagnosis the presence
of ADHD.  The first step that should be taken, though,
should be to rule out a physical disorder that has similar
symptoms to ADHD. A general physician will be able to rule
out that your child has some sort of physical problem, such
as a thyroid problem.

After the child has seen a medical doctor, the next step
will be to meet with a psychologist or other licensed mental
health professional.  They will be able to give your child
the necessary tests to diagnose ADHD. You will be able to
find specialists through CHADD, which is national
organization that educates and helps people with ADHD.