It may be something more than adhd, or it may simply be poor control. My husband loses his temper VERY easily, and my son has picked up on that behavior. Last summer, my son had just turned 10 and he had several meltdowns - at school and at camp. We had just moved, which was probably what precipitated the behavior, so we started psychotherapy to help him deal with his temper and over the past year he has learned to deal with his emotions much, much better.
I work as a biller for a mental health clinic that deals with children. I was speaking with the new psychiatrist today about my sons medication (we're trying to find the right one and having a tough time) and the first thing he asked was 'Is your son getting some sort of additonal therapy?'.
Good Luck.
I have to disagree with the moms saying that ADHD kids don't throw fits in front of other people. The child may have more than ADHD or not, it's an anger management issue. Plenty of kids and adults lose it when they are really angry. (Especially competitive parents watching their child's sports game).
In my son's case he lost his temper and threw fits both in public and at home. He was very impulsive and was becoming dangerous in my opinion with his peers and me. It was because of these behaviors I went to the doctor and asked him for help. I wanted to look at all possible avenues. Initially I didn't know if it was ad/hd or bi-polar, or aspergers. I just wanted to find out and help my child.
I think the question here is: do other pitchers get pulled if they walk too many hitters? If so, then I think your husband was totally correct. Parents can't let kids hold them hostage with bad behavior. I've told my son that if he embarrasses me by acting up then I will embarrass him by calling him on it there and then. It would probably be a good idea to have your son play on a different team than the one your husband coaches.This was the first time he pulled anyone all year. He said he would of pulled any of the other pitchers also had they done the same thing (but i'm not so sure). Yes, it is a very good idea to have him play on a different team. next year he will be flying solo where he can spread his wings and soar high as I know he will.
I think there are different kinds of kids. There are those that are highly competitive and like to win. These kids will practice and work on their skills so that they can compete and win. There also are kids who like to play sports just for fun. They don't like to train, and they only like to compete in a low key kind of way. My son is the latter kind of kid. And he's a superb natural athlete. He can do a running broad jump and jump across the room, sprint like a bolt of lightening, kick both a soccer ball and a football across a field, bend and contort his body into a pretzel, and pitch a baseball so fast that when I took him to the school carnival and he was trying to dunk a teacher by throwing a baseball at a target (which my son hit nine out of ten times), an adult man watching him pitch said, "OMG!" But train? Forget it. He's not interested. And be on a highly competitive team? No way!
I will be honest and say that I find this a bit frustrating because he was born with so much natural talent for athletics, and he will not do what it takes to excel in sports. He will not practice, he will not train, and he will not tryout. I talked him into joining a "fun" soccer league next fall, and we'll see whether or not he will go to the games. I hope so. I really wish schools had A, B, and C teams, depending a child's desire to compete and train, and all the kids who wanted to just play, like my son, could do so. I guess there's not enough time, money, and coaches.
So...I guess what I am trying to say, through all my rambling, is that you may not have a child like mine who does not enjoy competitive sports. It doesn't mean he's not a good athlete and doesn't have the potential to be a good athlete, he just may not have the "athletic personality." Sports for him may be for fun, and this is why he threw such a fit at being removed from the game. He was having a good time. What's the problem? KWIM?
lillian38875.4092824074Yes ADHD kids behavior can be embarrassing. My son at 8 years didn't care if anyone was around when he decided to loose it. He would mostly over react when something unpredictable happened. It always was and is important for him to be prepared ahead of time if there were changes, especially when they really like what they are doing. Your husband may next time prepare him ahead of time, so he knows. I remember getting hit with pool noodles in the middle of the mall-that was embarrassing. I could list so many its ridiculous. His behavior will be unpredictable for alot of years, and you'll get better at not taking his behavior personally, and accepting it as a disability. He will have more self control as he ages and matures, but will always struggle with it.OlderMom - NO my husband is not reliving his own big moment through our son as he doesn't need to, but I do believe he is finding out that he falls into the category of one that cannot coach his own son. Bipolar and high functioning autism have all been ruled out, but we will keep it on the radar. This fit was the first fit he threw in public in almost a year - hopefully he was just having a bad day even though it is still embarrassing.
Thanks for the input.
Thank you lillian and mom miss.
Lillian - I believe my son does just like to play for fun even though there is a little competitive streak in him he just likes to play and have fun and is really easy going.
mommiss2 - I do believe that he was not prepared for it and it just took him out of sink. He does not deal well with the "unexpected". I sure hope that as he ages and matures, the embarrasing moments will go away for the most part.
I disagree about most ADHD not caring about what others think and throwing fits in front of people. Having raised three kids to adulthood and now two more, we know A LOT of ADHD kids and I've never seen one throw a fit in front of me or in public. Their parents dont' complain that they do--the few that have had outbursts before our eyes, turned out to have more going on than ADHD. Now if it happens a few times a year, maybe, but if it happens a lot, it's time to go for a further evaluation. ADHD kids are not on the calibar of bipolar kids, for example, and have a lot more self-control than they do--those are the kids who blow a gasket in public, even though they are nine years old. Most kids never loose control in public (maybe at home, but it's a huge red flag if they don't care about being in public). Think bipolar. Think autism. ADHD kids are impulsive. That doesn't mean they have no control at all. On competitive sports, I still don't believe kids should be chomped on like pros. These kids aren't even in high school. Also, some men can coach their kids and some can't. If the man is thinking he wants to relive his own big moment (and I don't know if this man is like that or not), he won't do well if his kid fails in a ballgame. And that isn't good for the kid, imo. Failure is part of sports--and learning to pick yourself up and try again. I do think it's humiliating to pull a child out of a game for a poor performance. The Yankees can do it, but these are kids. JMHO
OlderMom38875.5302893519One meltdown in a year, if it's not happening at home or school a lot, can mean nothing. Kids that regularly act out in public, and adults too, have more issues than ADHD. It's not socially acceptable and usually others roll their eyes at the person meltind down in public, when actually the person can't control the temper. Yes, it's anger management, but anger that can't be controlled is normally due to psychiatric or neurological disorders. People don't just explode routinely, but are normal. For some reason, they can't turn it off, like others can. Living with bipolar, I well understand this. THe right meds have helped A LOT. Meltdowns in public are not normal, no matter what, if the person is over five years old, unless they are very rare and the person realizes he/she was wrong and apologizes. Those who scream and yell and try to justify it...well, the person himself may think he's an average Joe, but others will be talking about him...anyone with serious anger problems should be evaluated by a Psychiatrist, kid or adult. Also, you can't rule out Aspergers or bipolar. No tests. You just have to go by your family history and behavior AND if the meds help or hurt. It's pretty much a guess, as is ADHD. If stims make the kid worse, not better, or if mood problems run in the family--it's kind of a big puzzle you have to put together and it can often take years to get to the root of the problem. However, if it were my kid, acting out once, under the circumstances, wouldn't concern me. What would bother me would be constant meltdowns, warnings from school that the child is so uncontrollable that he's about to be thrown out of it, and hurting hmself/others. Those are super big red flags for a lot more than ADHD. I think a kid without ADHD may have melted down under the circumstances of this ballgame. JMHO (and experience). OlderMom38875.8208217593It wouldn't have been good for him either to stay out there and become more and more frustrated because he wasn't doing well....especially when we know how easily these kids get upset.
A fair answer might have been to talk to him and acknowledge that he was having trouble and ask him if he wanted someone else in there or maybe give him 2 or 3 more batters to see if he could pull it together.
Hindsight is always 20/20 though. I don't think that your husband did anything horrible...it's not like he was screaming and beating him all the way to the car or anything and although it is a situation that probably could have been avoided, if the other kids on the team do give him a hard time about his behavior, maybe that can be a learning experience for him and maybe one more step towards not doing that again.
My son's half brother was one of the coaches of his little league team last year and let's just say that he's not a coach this year. Even with the best of intentions things don't always turn out as we had planned...
OlderMom
thanks for a quick response. I have mixed feelings about him being pulled. I think a part of me feels the exact same way as you do. This is the first time he has pulled anyone all year so it was kind of a surprise that he got pulled. I think his expectations are to much for my son as he is not like this with the other kids. The parents of the kids in the area actually request him as a coach because he does do such a good job with them.
Yes, he was evaluated by the top child psychiatrist at the top medical center in our area and he was only diagnosed with ADHD. No other conduct disorders. I think (hoping) he was just really frustrated and his emotions got the best of him and that it won't happen again and maybe you are right, he might of got embarrassed.
I would have him re-evaluated if he does this a lot. Most kids of his age don't melt down like that in front of crowds, even with ADHD. They may do it once they get home, but they don't want to be embarassed. Of course, I do think your hub embarassed him. Maybe it's too hard for him to coach his own son. My hub is fine with my son--if he does well, great. If he doesn't, great. He treats all the kids the same and, while he tries to win, does put the feelings of the child above winning. I think it can be hard to coach your own child in a fair way. If I saw a coach carry a child, even his own, off the field, I'd be angry at the coach, not the kid. But that's just me :) I think sometimes sports for kids are treated more like outlets for frustrated parent athletes. I saw this with my now grown kids in basesball and both eventually quit. One was an awesome athlete too, but he got tired of the "win, win, win" attitude and the fact that some of his friends didn't make the team. To him, it was for fun and everyone should have the chance to participate. He ended up playing rec leagues. As a young adult himself (he's 28) he still plays sports for fun :) I shouldn't have come down so hard on your hub. I really don't know anything about him :)That's okay if you came down hard on him, I think you might have a valid point. Although my husband was a very good baseball player and till this day he still holds the home run record at the youth ballfield and he's in his 40s. I am going to let him read your comments and hope that it will sink in to him. I know he is only meaning well and didn't even think about the embarrasing my son by pulling him. But I think it is very hard on him coaching his own son. Next year we are going to let your son fly solo as we don't want him to start hating the game.
Thank you.
Just thought I'd write a little to vent frustration. Do you ever get so embarrased by your child's actions that you just want to crawl in a hole and die. Last evening my 8 year old son had a baseball game. His father is his coach (big mistake) and he is a pitcher. He started to walk too many kids so his father tried to pull him from the mound and replace him because it was best for the team. My son just totally lost it, flipped out and then started throwing things (bats & balls). His father picked him up and removed him from the field and he was then taken home without finishing the game. It was so embarrasing for his father and even though I couldn't be there because I was with my other child at their game, I am going to be so embarrassed the next time we see the parents of other children on our team.
I know his father did the right thing, I just wish he would of had one of his assistant coaches do it. My son is less apt to act up with one of them. Needless to say, he didn't get to finish that game and has to sit out at least 3 innings of his next game and got his name removed from an all-star list. We had to tell him that all stars don't act like that. This is the first major fit he has had all year and we are 2 games away from the end of the season.
Do any of you fathers out their coach your ADHD children? If so, what suggstions do you have that work. My husband has been coaching kids for at least 20 years (before we even had any kids) and he has never had a problem and always enjoyed coaching until he started to coach our son.
I know this was kind of long so thanks for listening.
Actually, and this is just a matter of opinion, I don't think your husband did the right thing. My daughter is in softball and no child is removed in the middle of an inning, good or bad for the team. These are little kids, not professionals. My hub coached our autistic son's soccer team and never embarassed any child, ours or anyone elses. If our son, or another child, was struggling as a goalie, he still sayed in and got a pat on the shoulder and teammates were also supportative. They take the "winning isn't everything" attitude from the coach. This isn't life or death--the feelings of the child are very important, imho and my husbands. And, in case you're thinking my hub is a softie, he spent ten years in the Air Force. Frankly, I"ll bet other parents may have been appalled by both your son (because they don't understand that sort of behavior) AND your husband (for going so far as to carry him off the field). I sit with the parents and know what they say about some coaches. Certainly, your hub should never coach your son again. He doesn't understand him, and takes him too personally. Again, this is my opinion as a mom of an autistic son and a husband who's been a coach too.
As for your son, his behavior sounds over-the-top for ADHD. Has he ever been assessed by a Psychiatrist (with the MD) or a NeuroPsych? I would look beyond ADHD. Most kids, by his age, wouldn't do that, with our without ADHD (we have two ADHD girls on our team and they don't act out, at least in front of their peers). Here's another board you may want to get advice from. Very experienced parents who've been there/done that.
Good luck!
OlderMom38875.2747106481