We've had huge issues with lying and stealing (he's almost 11 years old and his latest was the ipod and cell phone of my best friend's teenage son). His therapist recommended to take everything away from him so he has to earn it back, so yesterday, we moved him out of the room shared with his six year old brother and into the spare room with only clothes, his bedding and a book. He get two hours outside playtime a day (more if he is good, but so far being good has not been an issue.). He lied to me again today, so he starts all over tomorrow.
I was just up in his room and discovered two toys (taken from what is temporarily his brother's bedroom early this morning before anyone was awake) and an empty poptart wrapper (eating upstairs is not only prohibited, but due to trust issues, he is not allowed downstairs without supervision...we're up by 7:00 for pete's sake!). What do I do? What else can I do to handle this blatant disobediance? I'm at a total loss with this child!
As I'm sure your intent is not to crush his spirit, I think it's important for you to show your ten-year-old some trust and let him have at least one thing, be it a toy or stuffed animal or whatever. Does your son have adhd? Many times these kids are immature compared to their peers, so he many actually be closer to an eight-year-old socially and emotionally.
I have an older son who does not have adhd and a younger who does, and I have to say that they both lie when it suits them. We're not talking about life and death issues here, but lying all the same. We always address the lie, but we emphasize that telling the truth from the beginning will always mean a better outcome for them. And, we have decided not to sweat the small stuff. They both collect Magic: the Gathering cards, and if we discover that someone's cards have "migrated" to the other's room, we just let them migrate back. No one was trying to steal anything, which implies an intent to keep something permanently. The same applied to toys when they were younger and the 15 yo still played with toys. Both boys had a few special items that were basically hands off unless they were playing together, and a few items that only required permission from the other, but most were considered "our" toys.
Is there some task that you can give your son, some specific thing, that he can do to demonstrate trust and responsibility? I would think that being faced with distrust every day, to the point that he can't go downstairs alone, would get very defeating. You know that old saw about self-fulfilling prophesies? He might need a concrete chance, not just the charge to "be good", to show that he is worthy of trust and then acts that way.
As for his stealing a boy's iPod and cell phone, how about making him use his allowance to buy the other boy an iTunes gift card or a calling card as an apology? He'll feel good about doing something to make up for a big, embarrassing mistake.
edited to add: Please loosen up just a tad on him. I'm sorry and I'm not present in your situation, but your post truly sounds like he's on a very short leash if Pop-Tarts are considered contraband.
BPQW38885.7818287037I have no advice but can only offer you a hug. I pray everyday for my daughter has ODD and ADHD and i have no idea what to look forward to. I am nervous however.
Sorry you are having such a hard time. Have you tried a behavior system that also has positive rewards? It seems as if he is digging a hole and can't get himself out. We got a behavior program that is computer based called Easy Child. It has a level system which is based on points earned for appropriate behavior. Every privledge is earned and negative behaviors lose points. The program can also be used to determine allowance ( my son was too young to care about this).
The progam is for sale on line as well as Comp USA
2 thoughts on this. 1- he's a 'tween who lies & steals & then gets his own room away from a younger sibling? 2- maybe some positive rewards for positive behavior instead of so many punishments. just a thought. (I know my profile will say newbie but I've got a 19 y/o & a 10y/o & a hubbie all dx!!! so i've been dealing with things for awhile) I understand the "pop tart" situation. It may seem like no big deal, but the food hoarding can start off small and get big- FAST. My 5 yr. old ss hoards food for the first couple of weeks when he comes to stay with us. He started with a small baggie of fruit snacks. Then I thought I saw him drinking a can of pop, when I went back to check I saw that he had hidden 6 cans of pop behind his dresser. We do not keep pop in our house, so not only did he hoard pop he also stole it from the sitters house. I now have to get up at 6am everyday, and search his room once a week, and we have to check his pockets before we leave a store or anyones house. It is very embarrising. He has stolen many big ticket items, we have made him return the items and wright an appology letter. We even made him pay postage when we had to mail a X-BOX 360 game back to his uncle. Taking his stuff away does not effect him any more, he has two sisters and he just gets into thier toys.So I can spend all of my time keeping him away from his sisters toys or punish his sisters too by taking away thier toys-NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.So I am sorry to say I have no answer for you on what to do cuz we are still trying to find one ourselves. But i can tell you that I know what you are going through and I wish you the best of luck. Don't forget your not alone.