Step mom of Demon Child: help! | ADHD Information
Yikes, yeah, you just don't let things like stealing go.
I'm a bit softer on my son for things like...not cleaning his room, because well, lets just say hubby does the laundry, and not because he likes it. So there are just some minor things, that I "go easy" on because I know it's AD/HD influenced. Doesn't mean we don't work on it, and that I don't try to teach him skills, I just don't stay on him as much about it.
Things like stealing though, and just the basic things that you have to learn to function in life and being a decent human, there's no way I'll budge on those, disability or not.
I think dad is failing that child by not enforcing anything because he has AD/HD. Knowing a child has AD/HD is a way to understand them better, parent them a bit differently, but by no means is it an excuse to stop parenting them, and let them do whatever they want. That's the WORST thing you could do for an AD/HD child, or any child for that matter.
Good luck, it sounds like you have your hands full between the three of them (son, hubby and grandma).
Your stepson isn't the real problem neither is ADHD, it's his dad. That's where you need to start, and if dad won't do anything, then I'd be tempted to just step in and administer the discipline. If you get called on it, then at least you can say you tried.I try my best to just stand back and let his dad handle everything but then all heck breaks loose in my household. I am not a severly strict mom but i have certain expectations. I fall lax on the cleaning of the room and picking stuff up. it is only when it gets really messy that i start enforcing the room thing. I see how my ss is with his grandmother and father. he is just soooo rude. it takes everything i have not to step up and nip it in the bud. and i mean rude and severly disrespectful. ugh i dispise it. But when he is with me he really doesn't do it that often. i won't say never cause he does have his bad days and so do i. but he knows not to do it to me. but then i have his dad saying that the adhd makes it so that B doesn't realize what he is doing. I don't believe it. I know that child knows the difference. he never talks to his teachers, his karate instructor, church peeps, or any other adults like that. just dad and granny. am i imaging it?
I've tried talking to the dad about the dicpline thing. Was told yeah your right and that was the end of that. Brick walls do better. I've tried to explain about the whole in the future thing. Get the same response or an i don't know. When my ss stole money from a local business (out of the water fall pond thing) i told my ss that he was going to take it back and apologize for stealing. My hub told me later that he didn't want me to because he was afaid they would be mean to my ss. I told him that he just taught his son that it was okay to steal and that i won't get in trouble. And i said that if he were my son, i would say to heck with it and take him anyways. Bad thing bout being a step mom.
Gonna check into the parenting classes and see if any are avail. And we have an appt scheduled for my ss at the beginning of july so hopefully i can talk to to the doc and see if i can get a refferal for a psych. i just don't see this behavior as anywhere near being normal Adhd or not
I agree, the issues with the cat and dog are not ADHD behaviors. I don't think cutting things up with scissors is either. Maybe the meds or wrong, or the diagnosis is wrong on incomplete. Perhaps start with a child psychiatrist who does medication management?About discipline, read the "my son broke the car window" thread. Consequences are such an important part of discipline for the ADHD kid. My ds knows that if he does something wrong, I'm going to think up a creative punisment. But right now, the disconnect on discipline between you and your husband is the biggest problem. Tell your husband if ss continues to behave the way he wants with no consistent discipline, then he's looking at big problems when he's a teen (maybe even before). Has he ever imagined what it would be like to have his son brought home in a police car? How about tossed out of school for bringing a weapon or drugs to school? How about having no friends (except the wrong ones) because the good kids can't stand how he acts? Start imagining the future with an undisciplined kid and all of the stuff he can get into. Drugs, drinking, sex (pregnant girlfriend), poor grades. Then start talking to hubby about it. Hope this helps!
Even if he's got adhd and something else, or something else entirely, i'm betting adhd parenting classes would still be helpful.
take him to a neuropsy!!!Okay. So i am the proud step mom of a 9 year old. Who is possessed by a demon. He was diagnosed with ADHD at age five (two years before i met his dad). I see what he does and have deffinate ideas about what the household stucture for him should be but am fighting his dad and grandmother every step of the way. They let this kid get away with EVERYTHING! No disapline, no consiquiences, nothing. NADA. It is to the point that I find myself not liking this child and not wanting anything to do with him at all. After two years of this i have about had it. I love his dad, but what the heck do i do about the child??? I know he can be a sweet child...but it is very very rare. Any ideas? Someone please tell me that this gets BETTER?
Thanx!
Tx stressed-out step-mom
Hi! welcome to the board! I hope we can help.Hi! Welcome. Have you and your husband talked about how frustrated you are? Does grandma live with you? I hate to say it, but I think that unless you and your husband can find a meeting of the minds, you're kind of stuck. The last thing you want is to become the stereotype of the wicked step-mom. I think it's typical for dads to have a hard time with that adhd diagnosis, wanting their sons to "grow up and get over it." He may also be feeling some kind of guilt over both the adhd and the break-up with the boy's mom. What kind of treatment is the boy getting? Family therapy (not including grandma, who really just needs to follow your lead in this) would probably be a great idea. Good luck![QUOTE=txstepmom]Okay. So i am the proud step mom of a 9 year old. Who is possessed by a demon. He was diagnosed with ADHD at age five (two years before i met his dad). I see what he does and have deffinate ideas about what the household stucture for him should be but am fighting his dad and grandmother every step of the way. They let this kid get away with EVERYTHING! No disapline, no consiquiences, nothing. NADA. It is to the point that I find myself not liking this child and not wanting anything to do with him at all. After two years of this i have about had it. I love his dad, but what the heck do i do about the child??? I know he can be a sweet child...but it is very very rare. Any ideas? Someone please tell me that this gets BETTER?
Thanx!
Tx stressed-out step-mom
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I understand your frustration, but many of us will point out things that you may not care for or want to hear. So, for now, all I will ask is what meds (if any), for how long what his exact dx is and what type of discipline does your family use for all the children and how many children are in the home. So, if you want an honest answer and an unbiased opinion, i'll give you one, but if not i'll refrain. Good luck and I hope you work this out for the benefit of your husband's child.
Welcome to the board and the start of the long over due recovery for you and your family. You are in the right place.
Who diagnosed this child with ADHD? He may have something else--a mimicker--because he sounds pretty severe for ADHD. No discipline doesn't help, but also doesn't make a "demon child." I may add that when you married your hub, you signed up for the kid, so it's best to get it all straightened out and learn what's wrong with and how to deal with/help this child, since obviously his dad isn't going to do it. You could be a hero by trying to help a child who is desperately asking for help. I'd urge your hub to have him evaluated again by a NeuroPsych. I doubt the whole picture here is ADHD and NeuroPsychs are great--they actually do performance tests on the kids, not just pull a dx. out of the air in an hour's time and pull out the prescription pad. Stims can make some kids considerably worse, if they are misdiagnosed. I have another board you may want to talk to also. Good luck.
I would just sign up for classes on parenting an ADHD child (not normal parenting classes), and bring the husband along. Then after the class go out for dinner and talk with enthusiasm about the ideas in the class and how your husband would like to go about implementing them. And then after some time passes, tell dad to get grandma in line, or push her out of the line.
tx stress-out step-mom- sorry my other message was short. I think I can help you. I am a fellow stepmom. Chech your pms. Plesae hang in there, I think we can help you. You are taking a very important step by coming to this board to get help. He needs you to be on his side and get him the help he needs.Sounds like your stepchild could use an advocate. You may be just what your stepson needs in his life.
My ex doesn't always see things the same way other people do. He just doesn't have a lot of experience with children. Never has been around children much. I find with my ex, I sometimes have to do something first and model it through example , before he sees the value of something. I can't just come right out and say "do this or do that." Hang in there and consider that you can make a difference in a child's life if you take the time to research and read up on how to help kids with ad/hd and so forth.
Please,don't give up on your stepson as he is an innocent child that just needs some help. Hang in there! 
My SS has recently been switched to Focalin XR at 20mg. In the two years i have been here, he has been on Ritalin, Stratera, Adderall, and something else i forget now. His father told me that B was diagnosed with ADD/ADHD. Some of the problems we currently have with B are extreme argueing, backtalking, rufusal to do any kind of housework such as clean his room or pick up clothing. I have also seen this child beat the dog with a stick, cut off the cat's wiskers, cut holes in two sets of sheets, cut holes in two different couches multiple times, and the list just goes on. I feel that there is more to this than just ADHD. But when i suggest that B go to a pych i am told that he already went and that nothing was wrong with him in that respect. I am stuck doing the disipline (his dad can't be consistant and rarely notices what's going on in the house). So i have been placed into the wicked step mom roll. I have never hurt so much as when this child screamed at me that he hated me. I never hit or spank my SS. (Dad doesn't believe in spanking). So we ground from videogames and isolation in his room. ( which i don't find effective.) Please realized that i know most of this isn't my ss fault. I am aware of the effects of ADHD. But i am also aware that he needs to learn to control it. His grandmother has him conditioned that if he has no meds, then wrong behavior is okay. He will even tell you "I was bad today because i didn't have my meds". He is an only child who's bio mom sees him maybe twice a year. I won't get offended at opinions or comments so please ask away and voice what you all see. Outsiders somethimes see with i clarity i can't. Thanks
I agree with what the others said, sign yourself, and your husband, and even grandma too, for classes on parenting an ADHD child. While structure is very important for an AD/HD child, it's equally important to not be overly hard on them for things that are part of their disorder, that they simply can't help. That would be like punishing a wheel chair bound child for not walking. You really need to know the disorder, know what you are dealing with, and the best way to handle it.
So I agree with you on the structure. Having said that, I don't really agree that you are the one to hand down all the discipline measures. He's to old for you to step in and be the main disciplinary person. Dad needs to do that, with your support. I also don't think, given that you think he has a demon inside him, and don't like him, that you should be the primary person to deal with him as far as discipline goes, for that reason either.
I think all of you would do much better if you could all gain a better understanding of this child, his disorders, and how to deal with them as a family. He does not have a demon inside him, he needs help, and proper treatment from people that can understand the kind of help he needs. All of you need to find out what that is :).
Good luck!
My local children's hospital offers them, but so do social services agencies, and parent support groups like CHADD. You might want to check CHADD online first, and call your local chapter. That would be a minimal cost route.
Hi everyone.
I had meeting with the doc today,bit of a farce to start with Jude my ADHD 4 year old was as high as hell and trashed the poor guys room then ran out the door. I finally caught him in the car park!
Anyway i m really happy with this doc he is totally unphased by what was happening and told me about computer games and how they affect Jude. Apparently when ADHD kids play it has a charging effect for them and i was told studies showed that an hour of playing results in 4 to 7 hour of hyperactivity.
GOING TO TRY AN EXPEREMENT THIS WEEK TO SEE FOR MYSELF
And finally he prescribed passifora comp and some oils to rub on Jude to message him when he gets high which is ment to be theraputic to both parent and child and another medicine but for the life of me dont ask me to try to spell it for concentrtion. Great i thought lets get this going went to pharmcy and low and behold has to be ordered and wont get it till end of week. ( BUMMER)
Scotdaddy thanks for the information regarding computer games. Unfortunately Brandon is now 11 and doesn't want to play with toys anymore. He's not really into reading or watching much TV. So he enjoys playing computer games. Actually I have Passiflora to help him sleep. Do you know if there is anything else in with the Passiflora? Do you know what the oils are? Please let me know how your experiment goes.
The back talk, arguing and refusal to do housework, although not "okay" wouldn't concern me a great deal, should be corrected of course, but they do seem to all come along with AD/HD. Arguing is stimulating, and ADHD people love stimulation. We tend to be impulsive, so being mouthy can be a problem, it's the one place that even as an adult my impulsiveness still shows
. Housework stuff is pretty typical for most ADHD children, and adults. These are things that need to be worked on, with someone trained well in ADHD, and the proper medication too. Having AD/HD does not excuse these things by any means, but certainly makes these things more difficult... so more tools, more work on everyone's part, and patience is needed, since it really is much more difficult for him.
Beating the dog, and hurting the cat, now that concerns me. That in my opinion is beyond ADHD.
I'm curious too as to why he has been through so many meds? It happens, it's all trial and error, but knowing the reasons for the switch can be very telling.
Even though I still think dad should step up as far as discipline so that there isn't resentment between you and the child, it looks like he's not willing to do that. Again, I think some good parenting classes, or family therapy for all of you would help. Keep fighting for this little guy, he needs someone to do that for him, and it sounds like you are the only one willing to step up and do it. Find him the help he needs. Keep notes of all the things he is doing, and be sure to mention them to the doctor. Maybe the doctor hasn't been given a clear picture of what is going on either.
Good luck!
I am curious myself about the med changes...It hasn't been until the last two months that i started taking over with the doctor's appts for my ss. His grandmother was the one doing it before. He was on her insurance. So a few months ago i put him on my insurance and she was told to cancel hers on him. Now i am finding myself floundering in this. His doctor atm is a ped. Not a specialist. They took him off of the stratera because of the liver issues. They put him on the adderall. But after about four months he adapted to it. So ritalin was added to the adderall. That didn't help so he was changed to the focalin. He had an extremely hard time of it in school. None of the meds seem to work. I read up on adhd when i found out he had it. I know that he will have a hard time focusing, doing housework of any kind, that he won't really be able to multi-task. I take all of that into consideration while dealing with him. I also about the arguing. I nip that in the bud and refuse to argue with him. But then he accuses me of not listening to him at all. Can't win for losing. Anyone else have these problems or am i making a mountain out of a molehill? I feel like the wicked witch of the west. Where's my house?
Beating the dog and hurting the cat is far more serious than ADHD. It is actually sociopathetic behavior. We had a foster kid who did that. This kid needs a complete evaluation by a Child Psychiatrist (with the MD) and maybe a NeuroPsych too. I'm not sure parenting classes are the issue with a child who is doing this--he sounds extremely emotionally ill. We found out, when foster parents, that three big red flags indicate a budding sociopath: Fire setting, wetting pants or peeing, say, in closets or in the room and hurting animals. All three DO mean a sociopath. Read the DSM about ADHD. You won't see anything near this in the diagnostics. Something more is going on with a child who'd beat a dog. I suggest finding out what it is before it is deeply implanted. Worse, ADHD meds aren't working--I'd find out why. I'm always amazed at what passes as ADHD. Read the DSM to find out what it really is. Good luck :) MomWI38887.8130324074What does his doc. atm say about the issues you have been having with him? Does he agree that something eles maybe going on? Can you get your husband to go to a private meeting between the doc. and you two? Then maybe your husband will listen to the doc. if he refers you to another doc.Then once a professional tells you to see someone eles then it's not just the "frustrated mom" talking, it's a professional saying it.That may help him to see what you have been saying. Then hopefully he wil tell grandma to let you two as the parents take charge of the situation and butt out. Too many people trying to be in charge is NEVER a good thing.