Dealing with a family reunion | ADHD Information

i don't want to make light of your situation or even compare with your family.  But i have to tell you about our "family reunion" days.  My dh works shift work so he hardly every gets to go to any of his family events.  Well, every year we have a reunion for his mom's side of the family and one for the other side.  Both are in the same month and are always on a Sunday 2 and a half hours away.  I end up taking my son by myself.  but, not after last year.  His family is much larger!  We have over 200 people for each side of his family.  And they all like to go.  It's so big we have bingo, cake walks, tug-of-war, raffles, door prizes, and lots and lots of food.  our son is SEVERE ADHD.  He doesn't do good in crowds.  So, this year I decided to do it my way.  NOT GO to either.  I didn't let the "mother-in-law guilt" get to me this year.  I just told her why would i want to go and be hot and make my ds miserable and ruin the entire day then have to drive home.  She was mad but got over it.  It's not about them, it's about you and choosing your battles.  That is one that I don't have to battle.  I don't let it get that far any more.  I don't do guilt, so it's all on them.  No one seems to care how it effects my ds, but I do and will not put him through that.  Social skills are important, but you have to choose the battles that you think are worthy of fighting.  For me, my ADHD son doesn't want to be in a crowd and we don't see the people except for that one day a year.  so, we don't go.  If they love him and respect me, the will respect my decision and let it go.  And they do, so my mil was only mad for a day, but then called me, told me how it was and what we missed, but then she said, it was so hot that she knew i would have been even sicker than i already am.  lol  funny how things work out.Help!!!! I am so unsure what to do. My inlaws are having our entire family(20 w/ all the kids) up to their house for weekend before July 4th. My son (who still is waiting to be diagnosed by neurologist in August) is 7 and has trouble playing with all of the cousins. He gets mad when he does not win a game, and if he is getting tired, he gets nasty with all the kids. I can never just sit back and relax when we are with other kids.  We have recently told my inlaws that  he was having problems in school, seeing a psychologist and is "borderline ADHD" as she puts it but he needs to see a neurogist. My mother- in- law" s response was "We always knew he had a problem and were wondering when you would see this for yourself."  She  already favors my older son and now unfortunatley seems to have prematurely labeled my son as "a problem" as she says. I do not know what I should do as far as telling my sister-in-laws about my son. I feel like everyone in the family has already labeled him as the "Bad" child and I just don't know what to do.  Ifeel very bad about this. I am ready to just stay here and let my husband take my older son for the weekend.

if it makes you and your son happy do that and spend a quality mother/son day together.

we all have that kind of problems with our families and the general consensus is if they don't accept our children as they are we don't subject them to bad relatives.

if you know you are not going to relax and your family is not going to be nice to your son,don't go.how does your husband feel about it ,maybe you could show an united front and none of you go and have a nice family day together?

Scotmama, you hit the nail on the head!  Keep him away from a situation that is guaranteed to turn out badly.  Inlaws are the worst!  I finally had to stand up and say ds's treatment was not up for discussion and went and sat in the car.  She called a few days later to apologize.  Just lay down the law and tell her that you're talking to an expert and are handling it.  Don't discuss it with her.

That's too bad your MIL said that.  Kind of puts a damper on the day.  However, I think the best way to learn social skills is to put them into practice.  Yes, you know what will happen, so maybe you have to have some advance strategies to get you through the reunion.  If he gets tired and overstimulated, maybe you could provide him with a quiet area for him to play by himself with a gameboy or read a book.  Or you could work out a hand signal or something for him to let you know he needs to get away.  Something like that.  Or you could give him a job at the reunion.  Sometimes structure in that way makes them feel important and takes the pressure off.

I feel for you because we are vacationing at a beach house with extended family for a week.  We have the same sorts of issues.  Even with medication, the social skills defecits are there and have to be taught constantly.  It's quite draining, lol.  And just ignore grandma.  She needs some social skills training, too!

I agree with everyone here.  if you stress out your son is just going to pick up on it and it will compound the problem.  Overstimulation isn't good for him anyways.  As far as the mil, do what you need to do and to heck with what she says.  i had a verbal knockdown-dragout with my mil (she came to my house and started screaming at me so i let it ALL out. Man it felt good!) Since then, she has backed off for the most part with me. now she targets my husband when he is alone. (oh well. his mom not mine) I would suggest having a talk with her (privately of course) and tell her how you feel about the comments and attitude towards your son.  BTW, You don't have to explain your son to anyone.  He is who he is god love em.  good luck with it.

I agree with everyone also. Our family had a big blow out 6 months ago (my husband's sister in law and then his parents-epsecially mom).  They favor our older daughter who does not have adhd and since my son was about 3 (before he was diagnosed) started treating him different.  we no have decided to just avoid those situation that his mom and sister in law are going to be at.  they have a reunion coming up in August and we are contemplating going away that weekend just to miss the reunion so there is no pressure or stress on our son (or me).  A mother son weekend would be a great idea.

Isn't it a shame what families do to each other in the name of "togetherness?"  We go through the same thing!