I just had this conversation with my son this past weekend...He said he is tired of living under my thumb and can't wait to be on his own...(he's 15) we later agreed that he would try to adjust his attitude if I would allow him to figure things out on his own instead of always lecturing him and trying to fix everything...I'm so glad I read this! Thanks.
I THOUGHT THIS WAS A VERY GOOD READ, HOPE IT HELPS SOME, IT DID FOR ME
Mothering without
Smothering
When Conscientious Parenting Is
Too Much of a Good Thing B Y P E T E R JAKSA, PH . D.
Ifirst evaluated Donny* for AD/HD shortly after his eleventh birthday. Like many other parents, his mother, Christine*, had a mixed reaction todiagnosis. There was sadness that her son was not “perfect,” but relief at finding answers that finally made his inattentiveness, impulsivity, and tantrums understandable. There was hope for a better future based on a treatment plan that would include academic accommodations, therapy, and medication. Most of all, there was a powerful determination on Christine’s part to do whatever was necessary to help her son. Donny’s mom soon became his champion, protector, and advocate. She read books and browsed the Internet for information. She coordinated with Donny’s teachers, school counselors, soccer coaches, piano teachers, and parents of friends to make sure that they understood and treated him fairly. She attended IEP (Individualized Education Plan) meetings and helped shape his academic planning. She established morning, homework, and bedtime routines to make life at home more structured, predictable, and manageable. The caring and supportive structure helped Donny thrive. He was still a handful compared to others his age, but he became a more successful, betteradjusted, happier child. I saw the family again about four years later. Donny was backsliding. At home, he was angry and defiant. At school, his grades were suffering because of his procrastination, disorganization, and poor planning. Getting him to do anything was a battle of wills. He wanted to stop taking medication and refused after-school academic support. Grounding and other forms of discipline had little effect on his behavior. Christine was also worried about his choice of friends. They were not, she was certain, a good influence. He was withdrawing from family life and spending more time alone in his room or hanging out with peers. Christine was still the concerned and motivated parent, but Donny wasn’t responding anymore. What happened, she wondered? What happened is that Donny grew up. At 15, he wasn’t the same youngster he had been at 11. His perceptions, expectations, and needs changed—some of them drastically so. Donny now described his caring and dedicated mother as controlling and demanding, someone who constantly nagged him. She was always looking over his shoulder, he said, always bugging him about his friends. And she treated him like a baby; all of his friends’ parents gave their children much more freedom. Couldn’t she get alife and get off his back?
The family’s dilemma was similar to many I’ve seen over the years. An ordinary mother becomes Supermom in an attempt to build a decent life for her challenged child. But the interdependency becomes so entrenched that Mom can’t let go when it’s time. She’s spent so many years protecting him from the blows of the outside world, she fears he’ll fall to pieces without her constant support. Whether or not a child has AD/HD, a take-charge, proactive parenting style—no matter how well-intended—feels like controlling and smothering to teens. Teens don’t want to be taken care of. They want independence and autonomy. Donny felt embarrassed that his mother checked with his teachers every week to monitor his schoolwork. He was mortified that she wouldn’t let him take driver’s ed until his grades improved. The schedules and routines at home made it feel like living in a cage. All household rules and, for that matter, taking medication, felt like ways of controlling him. In fact, Donny was tired of everything about AD/HD. Donny wanted more responsibility and found his way blocked by—of all people—his caring and well-meaning mother. By trying too hard to be helpful, Christine was keeping her teenage son a dependent child. Something had to change—and it had to start with Christine. Nothing major, just a gradual loosening of the apron strings that would foster Donny’s independence without constantly getting him into hot water. Here are the Ten Rules of Mothering Without Smothering that I suggested to help Christine become the parent that her teenage son needed now.
1Keep your goals realistic. AD/HD
cannot be “cured.” The goal is to manage the disorder as effectively as possible. Your AD/HD child will never be perfectly behaved (nor will any other child). Expecting too much will only frustrate both of you.
2Don’t let guilt or fear make youoverprotective. AD/HD is nobody’s “fault.” Your child is not doomed to a life of failure if you don’t protect her from every danger and solve her every problem. Overprotecting is smothering.
3Don’t bail out the child from every mistake. Let the child live with “safe” mistakes in situations that won’t cause irreparable damage. Let him learn from the natural consequences that result from his behavior. To learn responsibility, there must be accountability.
4Respect the child’s need for
privacy. Everyone needs some space that is private and personal. Knock on closed doors before entering. Don’t search the child’s room or go through her possessions unless there is good reason to believe you’ll find something unhealthy or unacceptable.
5Don’t try to choose your child’s friends. This strategy usually backfires, particularly with teens. Before you forbid your child to see a certain friend, be sure that you can follow through and enforce your decision.
6Provide monitoring based on the child’s needs and developmental level. Children with AD/HD need to be monitored more closely, and up to an older age, than children without it. Lack of monitoring increases the chance of getting into serious trouble. Too much monitoring causes conflicts, resentment, and rebelliousness. Take your cues from the child’s behavior.
7Allow freedom and privileges based on your child’s developmental level. As he demonstrates an ability to behave responsibly, increase privileges and freedoms. “If you abuse it, you lose it” is a good rule of thumb.
8Encourage and support independence. Our ultimate job as parents is to raise a child who no longer needs us. Confidence, self-esteem, and the ability to tackle life’s challenges come from feeling competent and self-sufficient.
9Don’t misinterpret teenage independence and mild rebelliousness as disrespect or rejection. Individuation, developing one’s own sense of identity separate from parents, is the major developmental task of adolescence. Allow your teen to express mild rebellion in “safe” areas.
10Pick your battles. Not everything is worth fighting over. Otherwise, everything becomes a battle. Take a stand on the important issues, and don’t sweat the small stuff. Once Christine realized that Donny was no longer the helpless, fragile child she’d started out with, she adjusted her parenting style to fit his current needs. He still needs structure at home, but not the kind of structure that’s designed for a 12-year-old. He still needs to have his schoolwork monitored, but not as much as when he was younger. And he also needs the freedom to make his own decisions, possibly fail, but then learn to regroup—much more so than when he was younger. No doubt there will be mistakes along the way. Let some of those slipups happen while you’re still in a good position to help your child make sense of his mistakes and learn from them.
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