relashionship with the non ADHD sibling | ADHD Information
i feel like my daughter is pushed aside because we are always so focused on jude.
we call her the forgotten child as we spend so much time and energy with him that we tend to forget her needs.it doesn't help he attacks her when we give her some attention.
I admit i am the main culprit as i had really bad post natal depression with her and never really bonded with her as i should have.it is a shame as she is a smaching little girl and so easy going.
has any of you have the same problem with giving more attention and time to your ADHD child?
It's actually opposite for me. Although I do spend time and energy on my adhd son... I feel that I did NOT bond with him (he was my first... I was 19... newly married... dealing with my dh's ex and their son etc.). I have a GREAT bond with my second and third children. I feel like a failure daily with my adhd son... like if I had just been able to bond with him like I have with my other two then maybe it would be different. I do feel bad for my son who is a year younger than my adhd child because he has to deal with the same frustrations as me and dh have to deal with on a daily basis with our adhd son, but I have not had a problem spending time with him... I make the time for him and for my baby. I've decided that I'm just not gonna let my adhd child's issues consume my life and I just make time for the other two. It is hard. I do not let my daughter have friends over very often because Cody gets too wound up. He is wound up to begin with, but it gets worse. We just have to make sure we do things for Ashlea too.pullingmyhairout,it can't be because you did not bond with him properly that he has ADHD as mydaughter doesn't have .but i know the guilt.
the guilt of not spending time with my daughter,the guilt that i passed ADHD to my son,the guilt that i can't cope with normal day to day things like a normal person.
but with help i can go over the guilt and get on with life
I don't have any family here,the problem is nobody wants to look after jude,but they will take alana so she goes away ..we are waiting for alana to join a group of sibling of disabled kids and for help from the homestart to take jude on a saturday morning,they take him on a thursday but she is at school.
Sometimes I think that my girl ADHD (10) is pushed aside couse baby boy (if its windy or its cold I cannot take her out as we used to while she was the only child), and she is too many hours in her room couse baby needs silence to sleep. And it makes me angry that dh and mil speaks only in negative way about her - she didnt wont that or this, she misbehaved... and never said one word about her in positive...Im working full time and I missed her so much... So I feel guilty often and I think she missed ONLY me and her time spend together.
So when I catch time I took her with me shoping or to hairdresser without baby. And when baby is asleep its our time to play or talk. It s not nearly enough but its all I can do...
Hi scotmama,
I think most parents have this same concern and it takes a conscious effort to make time whether it be a planned outing or just 15 minutes of 1:1 time together. Kids go through developmental stages where they are very close with one parent or the other. It's important that they have at least one or the other.
These kids often end up being the most adaptable and easy going with great social skills. The demands of living with adhd siblings interestingly enough rate them higher in social skills than the norm.
I have three children that are older than yours. the adhder is the middle one and i often felt bad that the youngest wasn't getting enough attention because of the activities that the older ones were involved in or the extra time that the adhder needed. I did the best i could making time here or there for the youngest. Maybe it is just inherrent in him. When he was a baby two psychologists that we had went to dinner with were so interested in him. They were so pleased to observe that he was so very content in his highchair and as they put it "very self contained" --happy in himself, not needing stimulation from others.
THe youngest's personality has always been very easy going, adaptable, responsible and self sufficient, fun loving and exceptionally empathetic. I'm proud to add that two days ago he received an award in his 8th grade class for Outstanding Achievement for academic excellence and all around good student qualities. I am pleased to know that in addition to all the good qualities that one teacher mentioned he is also appreciated for "his willingness to be a goofball."
So even the crazy fun-loving spirit that a wild ADHD home can provide, the qualities he has learned in this environment have become strengths and are appreciated in the outside world.
you must be so proud jfla,my daughter is also a very loving child,eager to please and everybody is impreesed with how good she is.she was always like this even before jude,i never understood how i managed to produce such a child.
there is a big age gap between her and jude but she plays with him even when he hurts her.
we are sending her to a friend in france for 3 weeks in july so she can have time away from jude and be spoilt rotten.
That's great that you are able to send her to France for time away. Whenever my kids have gone away from home, they always return seeming more mature. I think it helps them to discover more about themselves and who they are. They may find out more about their strengths and weaknesses away from the structures and support of familiar environments...thus allowing for growth. You are so lucky to have her for your daughter.We sent ds(adhd age 17) off yesterday for a month long high school program at a college. This is aimed at "try living at a college campus and see what it is like" ...responsibility, organization, managing meds, waking up on time and taking a couple classes.
So it is really quiet around here now...we just have the youngest here now and he misses both sibs. It will be interesting to see how the youngest does now that he is an "only" child for a month!
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i would jillette but we only have 2 weekends a month that we can spend as a family the 4 of us and the kids want to spend all the time they can with dad.
dad is not the problem with alana,she is a daddy's girl and they bonded extremely well.we joke we have his and hers.i guess in a way it balances each other .
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* okay do you have a family member that can help out maybe once every few or couple of months? It was just an idea I hope it works out for you. Jill
I only have one child but wanted more. Anyways can you plan a special mom and daughter day with your daughter. Have someone else watch your son and spend the day with your daughter shopping, movies, and fun bonding things. If i had another child I would do this on a regular basis 1x per month and to be fair to your son do a special day with him too 1x per month or every couple of months switch on and off. This way he can see it is a shared thing. Maybe have dad do a special day with him on the days you are with your daughter and when you are with your son he can bond with your daughter.i would jillette but we only have 2 weekends a month that we can spend as a family the 4 of us and the kids want to spend all the time they can with dad.
dad is not the problem with alana,she is a daddy's girl and they bonded extremely well.we joke we have his and hers.i guess in a way it balances each other .
I just read you top post, scotmama,& yes i feel guilty for my other two children, it hit me the other day, i was so wound up becoz mikey had done something bad in school & i was trying to explian to him the situation & what should & should'nt of happend, & the conciqences etc, that my other littl boy who had been good in school was getting NO attension at all, so now im going to be more carefull on how i react to the bad behaved person, i do praose my children for being good, but it's so easy getting wrapped up in what the bad child has done, espially when my two year old is screaming for somthing on top of that!
Yes i know how you feel.
At the moment they are all playing nicly with the lego.
Hi-I do understand that problem. I have twin boys almost 8 now. Erik-adhd and Andrew -non-adhd. Erik has been a piece of work since birth. The nurses in the newborn nursery had problems calming him. I always felt bad because we spent hours walking the floor with Erik and Andrew would happily sit in a swing the whole time just sleeping or staring about.
Now with all the doctor appointments, medication, behavior therapy programs, school problems and oppostional crap related to Erik Andrew really verbalizes his discontent with his brothers illness. He begs Erik to just behave and listen. He questions him "why won't you just go brush your teeth and get it over with!" Andrew gives in 95% of the time just to avoid an argument with Erik.
On the other hand Andrew has earned many more privledges than Erik. He has gone on sleep overs, to parties and plays on several sports teams. Erik is jealous of that fact.
I haven't bonded as well with Andrew because of all the intense time I have spent with Erik. Andrew and I are going away together this summmer camping-just us. I hope we can find some time to get to know one another.
good luck
olie,
Thanks for sharing your story. The issue is very different with same sex, same age siblings. We all do the best we can and its great that you will be able to have a special trip with just Andrew. You will both love it. Have fun.
I have noticed that since my daughter ws born, my son (8) has done everything he can to be the center of attention. With his oppositional behavior, we have had some trying times. My girl is just as active as he was (if not more) but she is extremely athletic (even at 4-gymnastics is her outlet away from her brother), easy going, very smart. She seems to hold no opositionality-except for when she is acting like big bro. Our problem is the constant vy for attention-mainly from son-everything they do is in a "race" form- I'll beat you to the bathroom to brush my teeth/I win, I touched Moma first. John makes a big deal about him always winning. Is this normal for adhd? He's always needed to be first-even at school (lunch line, ect. and then gets mad when he's not)