jealousy | ADHD Information

My take on it is a little different.  I think jealousy has the capacity to be a very intense emotion.  Intense feelings and emotions help my mind focus.  Therefore, a part of me gravitates toward such things -- both the good and the bad.

Hi Bluebird, jealousy could be my first, last, and middle name! I wish I could say more, maybe explain WHY I'm jealous of some people ( and I do mean jealous to the extreme), but I can't quit figure it out myself! Except maybe they have their lives together and I don't.

And I to sometimes think I'd be better off dead. I've haven't seen this subject mentioned before, so your really making me think. Thats probably a good thing, since it drives my husband Crazzzzzyyyy!

I am very jealous of my wife as well.  I struggle not to be.

You're jealous because it can seem like non-ADDers have it so easy. And many of them do compared to our experiences with a disorder the medical community is just beginning to understand. 

I know I feel like that sometimes. I feel like people take what they have for granted and sometimes waste and squander their resources. They easily make it into grad school and then blow it off by skipping classes and blowing off their responsibilities. You're in grad school, if you don't want to make it count why waste your money???

Or in relationships how they feel they can just dump somebody for not fitting their ideal or use people for their gain. Or they treat everyone in their life like garbage yet still have a long list of friends they can call anytime.

Life is just one big peice of cake they've been indulging in since they were born and expect that it's been that way for everyone else.

cheekydeeky38250.8778009259 Wow, I'm so surprised to have anyone answer this.

I sat with my mom and cried and raged and talked through this last night and tonight. The trigger for me was that my 22 year-old-neice announced that she is getting married next month. I just turned 40 and my own dreams had been smashed about 17 years ago. She is getting what I wanted and I was hating her for it. I declared to my mother that I either never wanted to speak to my neice again as long as I lived or I wanted to end my life (and I felt quite serious).

I know it sounds dramatic and stupid, but I have been going through this all my life. Especially having to act happy for people  when I really was not. I have been in several weddings (WHY they ask me to be in them is beyond me) and have felt fake the entire time, because I was massively jealous. I seem to acquire friends who are beautiful, wealthy, privileged, and lucky.

Just like cheeky said, my neice was born like life was a big piece of cake she has been indulging in since birth.

You know what? My mom (bless her soul) took the time to help me get to the bottom of this tonight without just getting hostile and telling me to quit acting so selfish and small (like my dad did). We talked about how most people don't want to talk about jealousy b/c it is an ugly subject and it makes people feel uncomfortable. And, I said, it's easy to hate the jealous person. They are always the bad character in a movie--it's humiliating to be called jealous.

She said she wanted with all of her heart to see me get the things I wanted with all of my heart. She asked me when I first felt this jealous and why. After digging around, it boiled down to not being very well cared for when I was a child like the little "Jessica" down the street whose hair was always brushed, with pretty clothes, and who seemed healthy...her life had order; people cared about her; she was treated respectfully like a precious child. It was child-friendly home--she was well socialized.

My dad was mean and treated me like a foster child and a dog ("get in the car!" "get in your room" <spank and locked my door from the outside, so that I couldn't get out.). So, my brother thought he could/should treat me that way too. 

Well, to then be invited to a "Jessica's house" for a birthday party where you are giving a priviliged, loved girl even more attention, MORE stuff, she IS the center of attention ("We ALL LOVE JESSICA!!!!") when you don't even have the basics for yourself feels (in fact, you might get spanked witha belt when youg et home)...well...not good. Her dad seems like he cares; you're embarrassed of your dad b/c he has no social skills. So, you don't exactly feel fond of the Jessica's of the world.

Then she helped me to try to think of how I could feel more like the way I should have felt. What can I do NOW to feel like I am a Jessica that is happy to know another Jessica? What do I need? First, thank God, I got some motherly unconditional love who saw through my eyes and cried when I did. I got an apology.

Second....I need to work on second. What does that girl (me) need? What does she need in a way that means something to her, not to just the people tossing out advice? She needs some caring, gentle way of helping her to help her into skin and to help fill her up. 

Anyway, now I have somethng to think about beyond death.

Thank you so much for responding to this thread. It is one of the most difficult subjects to talk about and admit to. Getting to the core seems to what might help me if anything.

Try to remember the earliest tiime you can ever remember feeling jealousy and looking at its core.  Let me know if I can help.

Thanks again for being here and llistening. What a nice place we have here.

Night. BB




bluebird3838252.4903472222

I am not jealous very often, but when  I feel that things are unfair - I find it impossible to feel happy for the person that came off well - even tho society says that I am just being jealous - poo to society.

My brother inherited 100,000 off my pop when he died.  There were like 7 grandchildren in his life, but only my brother benefited from his will.  No one in my family wanted to acknowledge how unfair it was.  With all my ranting and raving (with no loss of love for my brother mind you) I was trying to express my rage at what a bastard my pop was for doing that.  The final insult if you like.

But the only response I received from my siblings and parents was - you should be happy for your brother.  Well blah - still cant be happy.  It was not about the money, it was about being acknowledged as someone he loved.  I would have rathered no grandchild receive anything than for one to be held above the rest of us.

I think with us ADDers we have a superiour sense of fairness and with our impulsiveness and inablity to control ourselves, we express it.  In actual fact I believe any normal person would be upset in this situation, but the "normals" seem to be able to retain their sense of self respect and not blurt out their feelings publicly.

Rae7038251.1191898148Does anyone else experience the level of jealousy that I do?

I can be so utterly jealous of people I know that sometimes I think I'm better off dead.
Rae...you're grandfather sounds like an absolute derilect moron. That story just pisses me off to no end. He sounds like a clueless mean-ass person. It is so much pressure for a person who is the recipient of that not to fall into delusional thinking about who they are when something like that happens too. I hope your brother split the money with you guys. And, I hope that your grandfather is in hell (if there is such a thing) for that deathbed maneuver (most people are repenting at that point) and aware of it and frustrated and ashamed to infinity. Obviously, I don't think I have feelings or an opinion about your story. LOL Rae, great plan!! 

That's all I have to say...can you believe it? 
Thanks my green eyed bluebird38, But I still wish I could have taken it on the chin like my other siblings and kept my self respect, and no he did not share it! Grrr...Rae. I just re-read my reponse...phew, talk about getting a little emotional.   You're a special person, obviously.

I almost forgot...my 85-year-old dad is leaving his house (0K) to his stepson (of his deceased wife). My dad has 3 children of his own, and he is leaving us squat. I am convinced that my dad is majorly ADHD and is known for his cockeyed decisions. He has had plenty of money and squandered it away on impulsive spending. When his last wife (of 3 wives) was alive, he was talked into making his house "joint tenancy" with his wealthy stepson. This means, when my dad dies, the house automatically goes to this guy. My dad's reason for doing this was "in case we (he and his wife) died in an airplane accident on our  trip to Hawaii."

My parents divorced when I was 14. My parents had a load of property. He spent his money on his new wife and they would go on cruises, etc., but NEVER sent me money for anything, even though my mom didn't ask for any child support b/c she was doing okay, financially." Together, my dad and new wife were FAMOUS for horrible b-day/christmas gifts.

One year, they sent me a t-shirt that said, "1986 Phillappino Cruise Beauty Pageant" or something like that. He sent a note that said, "Hi, Happy Birthday...we were on a cruise and there was a beauty pageant. I thought you would enjoy this t-shirt." WTF???????  OMG!  I'm not even Phillipino!  Literally, I was one of those people who could have worn a shirt that said, "My dad went on a cruise and all I got was this lousy t-shirt."

Well, my dad has never removed this guy's name from his home...and he refuses to because he is intimidated and won't admit it. The guy is a big jerk, and I have offered to help my him, but he just get all worked up and tells me to "forget about it" and that "I owe it to him (stepson)--the money was 1/2 from my last wife."

This isn't even true. My dad went into his last marriage with money and property that he accumulated from being with my mother. He was broke when he met my mom; SHE had the downpayment for their first house; SHE supported him for a full year while he unemployed; and she ALWAYS worked full time. My dad would either get fired from jobs or quit them impulsively. My mom was the steady Eddie the whole time. In my dad's last marriage, he worked full time and his new wife had a low-paying, part-time job. Lord. He is so pathetic that sometimes he will actually say something like, "my ex-wives have always tried to screw me over." My mom gets furious because she gave him everything he wanted in their divorce and didn't ask for child support."

My dad even proudly tells anyone who will listen that he is leaving my 1/2 brother his insurance policy worth K. He and my mother are on neighborly terms now and he even tells her this. Talk about NO FILTER! My mother gets SO mad!!! 

On top of THAT, the guy that he is leaving all of this to has 2 other siblings and is NOT planning to share. He never calls my dad; he doesn't even give two sh*ts about him...he's just waiting for him to die so that he can collect. It's the screwiest thing you can even imagine.

Anyway, weirdly, I have come to accept this and don't really care anymore. Believe it or not, I actually have a good relationship with my dad. I feel sorry for him that his ADHDness has caused so many problems, and that even though he agrees that this is true, he has been unwilling to go to the effort to look into it like I have...so the problems just continue and compound.

The one and only major thing that my dad did give me was an older Mustang. He said I could do whatever I wanted with it. Well, I sold it for K and used it as a downpayment on my house. The value of my house has since tripled. My dad called me up one day and said, "I didn't GIVE you that car...I said you could BORROW it. You had no right to sell it." Ughhh...then WHY did you give me the title?  My mom couldn't stand that one and actually called him up and chewed him out because she said she was standing RIGHT THERE when he told me to do whatever I want with it..."it's yours." Normally, she doesn't confront him. Thank God for her, or I would have looked REALLY bad because he had my siblings thinking I had done something really horrible.

Yes, on top of everything else...my dad is known for being (forgive the term) an "Indian Giver." He gave my brother a camera once (the only thing he ever gave him) and called him back a few years later and asked for it back!!!!  LAME!

Anyway, just thought I'd also update you that my other situation is okay now too. I'm fine about the whole "niece getting married" thing. I worked really hard to get to the bottom of my feelings and fight the urge to be angry. It was one of the hardest things I have gone through in awhile, but I'm really glad I dealt with it instead of just allowing myself to get consumed with jealousy. I feel much better...no stomach ache, anxiety, or related insomnia. So, it is possible to overcome this...not easy, but possible.  And, I feel better for it.

bb


bluebird3838258.8383912037

It is amazing how many stories I know about what I call "the final Insult".  There are many people who loose inheritances for a multitude of reasons.  I guess it just proves that we should not salivate over any other peoples fortune and we should just keep our energy to improve our own situations.. 

I can relate to almost all your different situations, of course in varying degrees.  I was sitting here shaking my head going aha aha, yup arse, nasty aha aha - .

What it has taught me is that when I go, I will fairly leave all my debts equally to my children - lol