PLEASE, need help!!! | ADHD Information

My son just turned 7yrs old.  We adopted him from Russia when he was 9mths old.  He was diagnosed with ADHD just before he turned 4yrs old which was a relief to our family.  He was diagnosed by 2 paediatricians and a child psychologist.  He is currently on 1/2 tablet of Rubifen and 1 RitalinSR in the morning and then another RitalinSR at lunchtime.  That is quite a high dose but unfortunately the medication only works for that long then it is gone.  He is also on 2 tabs of Clonidine at night to help with sleep.

At the moment I am at my wits end.  I just dont know what to do with him anymore.  My husband is also at a loss.  He is obsessively lying, not listening to anything anyone is telling him etc etc and all the other normal things with ADHD (also part Aspergers and ASD).  I think we have tried every technique known to man to stop his lying and try to get him to listen but nothing is working.  He smiles when being growled, he doesnt care.

At school he has no friends and at home its the same with his little sister.  It goes beyond sibling rivalry with him.  Caitlin our daughter (4yrs old) is just a bug on the wall to him.  He doesnt talk to her, interact or anything.  Yes little sisters can be a pain, but what is happening in our house is not right.  We have tried everything we can think of.  At the moment every time he is not nice to her he has to apologise, we are hoping he will get sick of having to apologise to her, but as with everything else at the moment I really dont think thats going to work.  Every now and then we even force him to play with her, which we really dont like doing but feel he needs to learn that she is lots of fun to play with.

The last time I felt this down was a few years ago and I went on anti-depressants for 6 weeks, that helped.  I do not want to go on them again though.  He has changed my personality which I dont like.  I am stressed out.  At the moment I dont much enjoy being around him which I know is normal, but I feel awful.  From the minute he wakes up in the morning to the time he goes to bed is generally bad days.  We are having about one or two good days a month.  What I am looking for is support and not condemnation as I am already at my lowest point.  I have thought about counselling for myself but feel that I dont need it as I am generally a happy person, love my life, happy marriage, happy daughter.  I absolutely adore spending time with my daughter as she is your "normal average" child who interacts with us an does not cause us any anxieties or stress at all.   The reason I say that is because I know that I am a good mum as I doubted that in the past.  But through my daughter I know I am a good mum.  I just dont know how to be a good mum to my son as I have truly had enough. 

I am drained.

Thankyou in advance for any suggestions.  I am open to anything but do warn you, have tried everything we can think of e.g rewards, bribes, threats, etc etc.

Chicklegs

I don't think that obsessively lying and not listening were part of ADHD. That sounds like something else is going on too. Is he in some sort of psychotherapy? Maybe you need to try to get him to some sort of mental health professional for evaluation for other problems such as ODD or bipolar or whatever. I would recommend a child psychiatrist. For discipline, try reading 'Magic 1-2-3' the authors last name is Phelan.  Good luck to you.

 

 

hello,you will not get condemnation here we are all in the same boat. have you tried  complementary  homeopathy,play therapy,behavioral therapy,parental classes(this doesn't mean you are a bad parent,it is just different to interact with  ADHD children).

i will tell you my experience and hope it helps:

my son is 4 ADHD,unmedicated as they don't medicate that young here. ,i have a 9 year old girl that is the sweetest child you can find.

i used to fight with him from the time he got up,from the time he went to bed 15 hours later,and he hated his sister,i am lucky she is 6 years older than him so he could not hurt her much.i also used to force them to play together.

first i got myself sorted,i was too hung up,always on his back,not enjoying being with him always shouting at him.my hubby and i took turns to spend 1/2 day away from the kids,just relaxing and we have a lady from an organisation who comes to take him all day on thursday.it was a god send.I have known for a while i was ADD but refused to do anything about it,finally went to get formely dxd with inattentive,impulsive ADD,got on retilin.

i am always praising him for good things and i chose my battles,so what if he pees in the garden as long as he doesn't jump out of the window i am happy.i am more calm now and spend quality time playing with him,we started little bit by little bit but we have fun together and he loves spending quality time with mummy.

when you have a good playing relationship introduce your daughter little by little and hopefully they will then play together in the future.my two are now playing together,he sometimes loses it and hit out when he gets too exited so we take him away.the same goes for your husband.

we then decided he needed a friend,i invited a couple of his friends after nursery(not at the same time)to play with him,not for long to start with,i watched him like a hawk and at any signs of trouble intervened.he now has 2 good friends that comes now and again to play with him for a couple of hours.(one at the time)

he had far too much energy so we got him a climbing frame,slide,trampoline in the garden.

take care of yourself first,cuddle and play,laugh with your son,praise him even for little things,show him you love him whatever he throws at you,smile at him even when inside you want to strangle him.

i still punish him when he does something bad and it works better now because before i was always negative with him so why would he care if we took things away or gave him time out,he was unhappy anyway.

sorry it is so long but i just took my retilin and it really gets me going

 

Many thanks for that reply.  That really helped.  I know I have to find the good and latch onto it.  I really want to play etc and be close to him.  Unfortunately the bond has never really been close since the first day we picked him up at 9mths old.  My hubbys bond with him is much better but he also also so frustrated.

I just went to the paediatrician at 3.30 this afternoon.  He is referring us to a place called Campbell Lodge.  We are going to start therapy there.  Its mainly for hubby and I to have a support person to call on when things fail apparently.  They will give us ideas on what to do with him and we will work on it from there.  I think it also involves counselling as well, possibly for the whole family.

I am really looking forward to that starting.

 

i understand the bonding problem,i never really bonded with my daughter as i had a big post natal depression after her birth.by the time it was caught on at 8 months,it was too late.i felt like the worse mother and went to a psychiatrist to try to sort it out,even now 9 years later i still don't have the relationship i would like to have with her.i have to force myself sometimes to cuddle her or give her the attention she deservesbut i do it because i love her and just a little cuddle makes her beam.Try it after a while you won't have to force yourself.

it must be harder for you as he is difficult,for me it is easy as she is such a sweetheart.

at least tell yourself that you are doing what you can to be a better mother to your son,you are proving it by going to therapy and coming here on this board.

my brother in law was adopted also and once my hubby came along ,he felt upstaged.she always said her feelings for them was very different but tried not to let it show.she once told me when we had alana she felt such a rush of love that she did not feel when her adopted son had his first child.

hope the therapy helps,don't feel guilty about your feelings,you are only human after all and tell yourself you are a good personn with a special child who just need that little extra love.you have it in you to give it to him.i know you do.

You are not alone.  Most of us here know exactly how you feel.  My suggestions are slim, but you might try some of them for you.  first, i would suggest some time alone with your husband.  time to be a "couple" again.  (my dh and I play games).  Once you establish a time to be w/o the children.  You might capture different ideas on how to cope and/or handle the issues w/ your son.  I really think the amount of medications he is on is too much.  I'm not criticizing you, but that seems like an awful lot of meds.  Many of us have had our children on too many meds.  So, we have dropped down, some have dropped all and have better success w/ social skills.  Get a second, 3rd and forth opinion, that might help you in this journey.  there is such a thing as too much medications.  my son, now 8, is on 10mg adderall and 1/2 of a .1 mg tab of clondine at night.  Really, you should start a food journal and work on getting the meds down to a bare minimum.  I hope this helps, and keep asking questions.  some of the members here know more about adhd than any doctor.  there is a member named "oldermom".  she is very good at the medication issues.  I wish i had a miracle drug.  I hope you find this site as a safe place to fall and to vent.  We also love to hear the "good" stories about adhd.  Share them all.

Hi there, we have tried different medications, different dosages.  Honestly this is the only dosage where he can function in school and at home.  By function I mean, relatively behave and work on tasks etc.  Yes it is a lot, but for my son unfortunately it isnt.  If we lower it we know that behaviour will get worse so Im sorry but I cant even consider giving this a try at the moment!!  The only thing we can do is try a different medication again but here in NZ other drugs are not subsidised and cost and fortune.  That will only put financial pressure on the list.  Hubby and I have a great marriage, yes we do need to spend more time just together but what parents dont, hehe!!  I dont think that will help our situation.  I have just had a look at the marble technique.

It sounds just wonderful but I know now it more than likely wont work as he just doesnt care about things like that.  Plus what happens when he is well and truly in the negative??  (as in no marbles at all).  Dont get me wrong though, I will give it a try.

Many thanks for your suggestions, I sincerely appreciate it!!!

Well, i read in a book some where that for every negative there should be 2 positives.  Meaning, every time he gets into trouble, I find a reason to praise him.  Trust me, some times it is hard to find "good" behavior.  But, i do.  Even if it is turning off a light or picking up his clothes off the floor or not asking for me to help him take a shower.  I'm adhd and my son is too.  I know what didn't work for me growing up.  I know what my sweet son needs to hear from me.  The same thing you give your son, i know that because if you were not here, you would not be giving the time he needs.  Very good sign.  I always start him out with 10 marbles (i call them 'good faith' marbles lol).  I never let him get below 10.  (he has not figured that out yet.)I think nekochan has some good points.  ASD- what is that? Autistic Spectrum Disorder?  I'm  curious how is he while on medication? Does it seem to be effective then?  A highly recommended board certified child psychiatrist is well qualified to closely look at the diagnosis, medication and therapy.  It sounds like a lot going on which calls for perhaps greater expertise. Good Luck  scotmama-
great post (first one)  your son and family have come so far from your initial postings a few months ago.  Good advice!
Hi, I've been a foster parent and this sounds a lot like attachment disorder.  I don't know what the best, most reputable treatment for that is, but I know there are message boards and web-sites that could point you in the right direction for a therapist to see if it could be attachment disorder.    One boy we had for about 6 months had it.  He could be very very charming at times, but when he was really being himself he was very very angry/lying/no remorse for his actions.  It was actually very scary to live with him.  There was no punishment that worked for anything, because he just didn't care enough about anything including himself..Of course he was a very severe case.    He did get help at a therapeutic foster home with his sister, so there is treatment.  Good LuckI am new to writing in this forum.

Our son when he was about 4 to 5 years old went through the lying stage. We told him that if he told us the truth he would NOT get in trouble for what ever it was. (trust is what we were trying to establish) But if he still stuck with the story and we knew it was a lie. He got grounded. He could do NOTHING but sit on his bed. He hated this.   When our son told us the truth we told him how proud we were and how proud God was of him. The pride in his face everytime we told him how proud we were of him was awesome. He didn't take very long to come out of that stage. I am sure it was a little of both- being ground and doing nothing but sitting on his bed and praise from us and knowing that God was proud of him too.


We have a 6 1/2 year old little boy and in May he was diagnosed with ADHD. We have him on Focalin XR 10 mg in the morning and (2.5 mg at 4:00 PM only if he has any activities in the afternoon) If he Does NOT have activites I don't give him the 2.5 mg. It has worked for him since day 1. No delay at all. The effect was immediately. Before we started the medicine his hand writing was terrible even for 6 years old. Within 1 week after starting the medicine his teacher approached me and was amazed at the difference in his hand writing and told me that she thought we were definately on the right track. His hand writing was not the only thing that improved. His behavior -
was a complete turn around. He is in gymnastics and has been in the beginner boy since June last year and before May I had talked to his gymnastics teacher about when she thought he might move up. She told me that honestly she didn't think that he was ready to move up yet. I said OK. She was honest. In June (1 month after starting the medicine) our son moved up into the intermediate class and is doing great. His focusing drastically improved. He is finishing his work at seat time not recess. Before the medicine he was in his teachers room all most everyday at recess to finish his seat work.

We did have a concern about 2 weeks ago with headaches. They weren't too bad. Not enough to medicate. the last time we had to give tylenol and use a pack over the eyes to help. He was crying -- it hurt... He did not go to school the next day and I called the dr. to let her know that this was a complaint that he was having. Every day for 4 days straight. We were worried that it may have been his eyes causing the problem. I wear glasses and I got my glasses in 1st grade.   He will start first grade in August. We wanted to make sure before we changed anything that we were eliminating the right problem and not guessing.   His eyes were fine and he has not complained since. Thank God...

Thanks

Do you have any support from the agency you used for your adoption? Other parents of Russian children adopted from the same orphanage? (I'm assuming that you used an agency and that your DS was in an orphanage before coming home, but I realize that may not be the case.)

If there isn't anything available through channels you've worked with in the past, is there an adoptive families support group near you?

I would at least find a therapist experienced in adoption issues and attachment issues.

I have a 7-year-old son, adopted from Korea at age 7 months, so I'm somewhat familiar with the issues.

Basically, get all the support you can -- this is not your fault, and it is probably something that you would have no way of being prepared to deal with. A social worker experienced in adoption should be able to help.

Thanks ladies, I will take a peek at the at this other board as well.  The medication definately does help with my son, if he wasnt on it he wouldnt be going to school thats for sure as no teacher would want him!!!

Oldermom are you now MomWI??? (I don't know why good members keep losing access to get online here??)

Chicklegs, Ogram mentioned "Oldermom" in her first post. She REALLY knows what she is talking about.

Yep. I'm OlderMom. It's my third name...lol. I keep getting tossed off and have to re-register :) Who knows why? I'm pretty computer illiterate so maybe I do something wrong.

Many thanks for your replies.  The lies I think comes from his impulsivity as he just lies immediately, but unfortunately carries on with it once he has done it.  On medication his behaviour is definately better in that the hyperactivity goes along with the attitude and most of his smiling at me (thinking Im a joke).  The lies remain though, we dont seem to be able to get rid of that.

At school he is doing really well in reading thanks to a teacher aide last year for 6 mths.  We changed school at the start of the year as we moved house.  We requested a teacher aide right from the start, but are still waiting.  He has been approved for one but I think its a school funding issue.  Behaviourally at school he has started lying there as well, and he gets into trouble at least once every couple of weeks which is not bad.

My concern is behaviourally and not so much academic.  Its behaviour that is going to get him socially through life, make friends, hold down jobs etc.  I am a lot happier today than what I was yesterday (live in New Zealand, its now the next day).

Hiya, the therapist we will be seeing specialises in attachment therapy so thats great.  It is definately attachment along with the ADHD aspects.  Im hoping the referral doesnt take too long@!!

I really, really, really think you'll get added and extra good advice on the ASD board as this is probably causing most of the problems (I have a Spectrum kid). These kids are very different and normal methods of discipline/parenting do not work, and meds often don't do that much. Stims didn't help my son, although he is extremely inattentive. The issues are different and ADHD behaviors are always seen with ASD. ASD social problems are far worse than kids with ADHD. Here's the link for the PDD/Autism messge board. We all have kids with serious social problems--not just minor ones. This board looks just like this one so it's user friendly.

www.autism-pdd.net/forum/default.asp

Here is the diff between ADHD social problems and Asperger social problems.

IP Logged Associated Difficulties: Asperger’s Disorder may be associated with learning difficulties and attention deficit disorder. Indeed, many children and adolescents with Asperger’s have previously been diagnosed with AD/HD instead of Asperger’s. Individuals with AD/HD may have difficulty with social interaction, but the primary difficulties are inattention, hyperactivity and impulsivity. In individuals with Asperger’s, the social awkwardness is a greater concern. As individuals with Asperger’s enter adolescence, they become acutely aware of their differences. This may lead to depression and anxiety. The depression, if not treated, may persist into adulthood.