New member, need kind words | ADHD Information

Having already been married, I'm sure you already know how difficult it can be to co-parent. You have two people with their own set of idea's, trying to merge together to parent one child. It's difficult as it is. It's a 1000 times more difficult if you have a special needs child, and two people (one of them a step parent) that can't come together to parent that child. It would have been constant anguish for you and your daughter. It wouldn't have been good for his son either. Her constantly being compared to the son would have eventually built up resentment there.

I'm sorry for the hurt you are going through. Losing someone you love is never easy. I think it's always good though to separate what you actually loved about him, with what you hoped he would become...that you could love. Sometimes we fall in love with this initial person that we see, who we think they are, then when we get to really know them, we realize they are someone else. We carry on these initial feelings, clinging to them, hoping that this person will change into the person that you thought they were. Sorry to be presumptuous but it sounds like you were hanging onto that...not the person that he really was, but the person you hoped he could be. The fact is, he gave you a clear picture of who he was, and that was not someone that you could live with. Keep that in mind during the quiet moments when it all becomes overwhelming.

Take care of yourself. You did the right thing.

I didn't mean to imply that you let your daughter use ADHD as an excuse.  I have found that teachers have encountered that before with other kids and it's helpful for them to know that it isn't acceptable in your house. 

I also suggest that you read the book Driven to Distraction by Hallowell and Ratey.  It's an excellent discussion on what ADHD kids encounter and how best to deal with them.  Now repeat after me "I am not a bad parent.  I am not a bad parent. I AM NOT A BAD PARENT!" Hi.. I am new at ADHD also... I am a 50 yr old grnnie to a 7 and 11 yr old ADHD.. But i have only had these kids since dec 2005...  i married thier grandfather n the kids came with him.. I love these kids as if they are my on birth kids.. My kids are 30, 27 and 24 n i have 4 grands.. i have a nephew that i kept when we learned he had ADHD.. so i know a little about this ADHD.. but nothing prepared me for this kind of life i have had for last 7 months..i home schooled these kids since dec cus they counldnt read or write..  i ws 24/7 with these kids.. i got old fast!  we are puttin the kids back in school this yr n i havde talked to the school about these kids  also  they are goin to a different school..its hard when the kids acts up n other ppl says  if they were my kids they woulsd be black n blue.. well these kids gets spanking...  but I have also had to find another way to punish them instead of spankin... I have been told by a pastor to strip the kids room when they act out... well on the 7 yr old this works great...  but the 11 yr old it didnt seem to bother her much.. n then i started readin  on line about ADHD  n found out to make them strip their own room....  my 11 yr old has nothin left in her room but her clothes n shoes n bed n bedclothes...  she has to put her clothes in a box that went in a dresser..  i have the date that she stripped her room n in one month she willstart gettin one piecew back at a time as she earns it n if she doesnt loose it again...  there is no easy way to  treat a ADHD.. cus we dunn no if its the ADHD or if she is just bein mean on her own..  I needf any and all advise any one can give me on any thing about ADHD..

IMO, this was for the best. Here's my .02 :) As one who was divorced once, I know, from my grown kids telling me now, that kids really hate our dating at all. I wouldnt bring any men home, if I'd known how much they hated seeing me with other men (although, like you, I only brought one home and married him.) Heck, they didn't even want HIM there--they have a Dad--I didn't love him, but they did. Our SO's dont' care about our kids like we do, as a rule. And this one seems cold and unwilling to understand a very real disorder. I personally feel you're well rid of him. I think in two weeks you'll look back and agree. I would not take this man back. I can see him calling you and begging for forgiveness. I ceratinly wouldn't let him live in your house. Until he educates himself about ADHD, for me it would be a no-brainer. Kid comes first. (((Hugs))) Stand firm!

 

MomWI38918.3475578704

Hi all, I'm brand new. I am having a crisis and shamelessly admit that I sought out this message board just to keep myself busy enough to get through it. I apologize in advance because this will be a long post. My 7 year old daughter was diagnosed with ADHD in May, although I had suspected it for about 9 months prior. It is not severe and her first grade teacher managed it by giving her extra rewards, letting her stand to work, having her sit at the front of the room, etc. The psychologist who diagnosed her thinks she may need medication but wants to let her second grade teacher get to know her first. Today is the first day of school. My daughter also has a slight anxiety problem (you will see why when you read about my ex below) which she will see the psychologist for occasionally. I do pretty well most of the time managing her ADHD & anxiety by giving her plenty of warning of upcoming changes, having concrete rules & reasonable expectations. Her biggest problems are in school: not being able to stay in her seat, talking, easily distracted, fidgeting, not paying attention, not following directions. So the start of school is scary for me and for her since it is so important for her to get a teacher with the right attitude & personality to click with her. This year she also has a male teacher & has never had one before. For about 6 months the point system I've seen described in several ADHD books worked pretty well & then seemed to lose effectiveness & since it's been summer break we have just done the specific rules - specific consequences thing & it's been okay. I am working now on coming up with an alternate system.

Anyway the crisis, and for this I'm not entirely sure I'm in the right forum, but I read some posts in the Relationships forum and this didn't seem to fit here. I left my ex-husband more than four years ago due to his verbal abuse. My ex-husband has my entire family snowed; they do not believe that he abused me, they believe that my attempts to enforce boundaries with him have been me attacking him, I am completely estranged from them and they treat him like their son (you wouldn't believe...). He took me to court for custody of my daughter this spring & my parents were going to testify for him. We reached an "agreement" outside of court but mostly I think because my ex started dating someone & decided he didn't want to push some of the issues that he had filed the motion based on. My ex & my parents seem to lack common sense on some issues RE hygeine & safety (don't brush her teeth enough when she's with them, let her climb on kitchen counters, let her go swimming with a broken arm & got her cast wet, let her ride in the front seat) yet they think I am this horrible parent for trying to put my past behind me, for setting limits for how much I will be taken advantage of by them & by my ex, and for dating again. When my daughter was diagnosed, the psychologist was innundated with harrassing calls from my ex AND my mother, my father verbally attacked me for having her evaluated, etc. All this I expected but it does get old.

I have been dating the same man for three years (the only man I have dated since leaving my husband), having met him about a year after I left my ex. My daughter's behavior (esp the trouble listening & following directions part & difficulty behaving in stores & restaurants) has been an issue between us for a long time. He has a 10 yr old non-ADHD son who my boyfriend has compared my daughter's behavior to almost constantly. He thought I was insane for offering her rewards, incentives & positive reinforcement for behavior, saying that kids should behave out of respect for their parents. When I had her evaluated it was to ensure her right to have the same kind of accomondations continue that her first grade teacher had graciously given her, so she would continue to do well in school & like school. But I also thought that my boyfriend would see that there was a reason for her behavior and let up on her and on me. We had multiple conversations about it, esp concerning how we would discipline the kids as fairly as possible with one ADHD child & one non-ADHD child, if we were to get married (we have been engaged in the past). Most recently we had a great conversation about 3 weeks ago and I really thought things were progressing (I really love this man and really wanted to marry him).

Tuesday was orientation at school, where we met the teachers for the first time (my daughter & his son go to the same school). Afterwards my daughter went to daycare so I could go to work & my boyfriend and I were talking & I told him I was concerned about the teacher because I had heard he was strict. He commented, well, she had a laid-back/easygoing teacher last year, maybe a stern teacher is what she needs. We got into a huge argument with him telling me what apparently have been his true feelings all along, that she just needs stronger discipline & should not be given any accomodations under Section 504. It ended with him hanging up on me several times and me telling him to get his stuff out of my house (we do not live together). This was not the first conversation like this we have had & I knew he leans toward disbelief in ADHD but I had thought that the things I had told him from my research & from the psychologist were sinking in & that he was starting to understand, & know that this is not all in my head and that my daughter can't be compared to non-ADHD kids or expected to behave as well as them. He got his stuff out yesterday but he did call to say he was sorry for how things ended, to tell my daughter that they love her and that he wanted to remain friends.

So I stayed mad for about 24 hours & then the sadness started to set in & this morning, being the first day of school & having to see him drive by to drop his "perfect" son off at school is just killing me. The only thing that has stopped me bawling here at my desk at work is reading posts on this website. I have managed not to call him but it is hard and even saying that makes me feel insanely guilty. I have done my daughter a disservice for staying with this man as long as I have, him having the attitudes about discipline & ADHD that he has, and I know that our breaking up was the right thing to happen. I just need all the support I can get right now. Please reply & tell me that this will be okay, that it's the best thing for my little girl, & how wrong my (now ex-)boyfriend is. Thanks & sorry for the long post.

Hi Cypress,

For what its worth...based on what you've posted, I think you've made the right choice.  Your daughter for the next 11 years, until she reaches adulthood, is your MAIN priority.  Not your love life.  ESPECIALLY a love life with a uninformed parent of a non-ADHD child!!

 She has been through a lot for a 7 yr old...much less a 7 yr old diagnosed with ADHD.  Follow your mother's intuition. Get her the help and support she desperately needs. Don't fall into the trap of excusing poor or destructive behaviors because of her ADHD....learn how to appropriately respond to them using effective techniques.    Based on what you've posted about her behaviors in school........ I probably wouldn't delay trying meds.  She is obviously struggling and it will take a heavy toll in many areas like her own self esteem, relationships with kids at school, relationships with teachers,  not to mention the mother/daughter bond.   You mention the doctor wanted to delay meds until the teacher "gets to know her".  What benefit is that??  Some unsympathetic teachers may make premature conclusions about kids with "problematic" behaviors, therefore "branding" your child with a problem reputation.  Some really great teachers who are trained in teaching techniques for ADHD children may be able to teach your child effectively, but my main concern for your daughter would be peer relationships.   In first grade this may not be a big deal......but kids learn quickly which kids have poor social skills, and by 3rd or 4th grade.......this will be a big problem for your daughter.  That's what happened with my son.  Once your child gets the "reputation", they are either harrassed or ignored, and this takes a devastating toll on the ADHD child.  All of this fuels the anxiety, depression, and other behaviors that may be co-existing with the ADHD.  Its like a vicious cycle.

Again......... I think you've done the right thing.  Keep reading the boards and absorb all you can from parents who are walking in your shoes...those who have children with ADHD and are dealing with the exact same issues as you.  I'd distance myself from friends and family members who are purposely critical and clueless as to what you are going through.     Okiemom

 

I have to comment on MomWi Your so right on kids should come first but I also say that there is someone to love out there Cypress  have your boyfriend do research and read on adhd.   what does your hurt say? you will make the right choice you sound like a strong woman if your boyfriend cares about you I would certainly believe he would comprise with you and atleast read about adhd.

There are men who can love your daughter as she is and your ex bf isn't one of them. When you start feeling like you want him back, please tell yourself you are lucky that you saw his true colors before it was too late.

Take it from someone who has been there and is still living with it. My husband didn't show his colors until after we were married. He made my daughter miserable. He isn't going to ever change.

My prayers and best wishes go with you. I know how hard it is but I do believe you did the right thing.

By breaking up with this guy you've made a huge step forward in helping your daughter.  Don't worry about his "perfect" son.  Whenever I see a kid like that I say to myself that his/her parents have a Stepford kid and I have an interesting kid.  You need to let your daughter know that she is expected to behave and not use ADHD as an excuse.  However, you need to set the standards for her behavior because you know what she's capable of.  I would set my expectations just a little higher than you know she can do, so she's always working to do better.   As long as her 2nd grade teacher is familiar with the 504 and is willing to follow it, I wouldn't worry about his strictness.  ADHD kids need structure and he will provide it.  I would try to be pleasant and cultivate a relationship with him.  What way does he prefer to communicate, telephone or e-mail?  What extra help does  he need?  I have found that sending in a ream of copy paper is always appreciated and is not expensive.  I try to do that a couple times a year.  I have always had good relations with most of my kid's teachers because I let them know that I was on their side and I expected my son to follow the rules as well as the teacher following the IEP/504.

I think that my ex-boyfriend was no more willing to do ADHD research on his own than he was to listen to me telling him about the research I already did. I'm sorry for coming across as using ADHD as an excuse, that is so far from the truth. I want my child to be well-mannered, respectful, interesting and fun, not a spoiled brat like so many kids I see. Even though I know why she behaves the way she does, there are still penalties for it. I expect her to try to do well but I don't belittle her if she has a bad day. She just accepts whatever discipline is already assigned to whatever particular misbehavior she's done & we try again the next day. Any treat she gets, she has to earn unless it's a birthday or Christmas present.

RE the meds the psychologist & I decided, since she was diagnosed at the end of last school year (too late for a medication trial before the end of first grade), that a teacher's input wouldn't be much help if he/she didn't know what her behavior is like without meds. We also didn't want a new teacher to be looking for/expecting her to misbehave by knowing ahead of time about the diagnosis. Nobody has ever met her without commenting on what a mannerly and sweet girl she is. To her first grade teacher and the psychologist it was obvious that she is not misbehaving on purpose. Anyway I will be having a parent conference with the new teacher within the next couple of weeks to discuss the diagnosis, 504, social interactions (which so far she has not been having trouble with) etc. I have always tried to have a good/close relationship with her teachers because I know that teaching is not a job I could ever handle, so I want the teachers to know how much I value what they do.

Thanks so much for the support, this is just what I needed. And there is no chance of the ex-boyfriend begging my forgiveness. In his eyes I am the crazy parent who wants the world to bow at my daughter's feet, and he has done nothing wrong. He certainly isn't guilty of being narrowminded, right? The truth of the matter is that his own son has some issues that need addressing but because on the surface everything seems fine, he's not doing anything about it. I'm afraid that will come back to haunt them both. But because the boy's mother abandoned him, he's the one who thinks doors should be opened for him. But I guess now I'm just rambling. Thanks for listening.

.IMac38944.5608680556

I wonder how your boyfriend would react to you if his son was the one with ADHD and you were talking to him like he did you? Your parents too. People don't really know what a person goes through, or how hard it is on them, until they have to walk in that persons shoes. It's so easy for people to give their advice when they are not in the same boat you are in. Oh, but if they were, they would be on here talking about it like you are. I know it is so stressful, honey. Most of the time it's the mother that does what is truly needed for her child, and gets all the c*** for doing so. Let your parents and others talk and talk and talk. In your heart you should always feel that you are doing a good job, and remember when things get too hard/stressful, and you can't see that rainbow in the sky. Keep saying to yourself ...  

I CAN AND I WILL  

 

Stay strong !!  

 

Oh, and don't feel bad about leaving your boyfriend too. Life is too short to have to put up with his  .  Things you can do something about (like your boyfriend), don't feel gulity one bit.  He is the one that should feel like a jerk. Try finding your next man (if you want one) in church. You and your little girl go to church and just take some time for you and her. Do this for a while and keeping believing that things will get better and they will.  

good138918.5919560185Good1, religion is just a whole 'nother issue for me. I was raised in a church where people went every Sunday to show off their new dress. As soon as I left for college I quit going, I was so disillusioned. I started going back (to the same church) after my daughter was born, because I wanted her to be raised in the church. I tried to save my marriage with Christian principles but those just don't work with a die-hard verbal abuser & woman-hater. When I left him my parents were so ashamed of me and turned so against me I just couldn't keep going. I started going to another church when I met my boyfriend but after awhile I got disillusioned again because of how horribly I continue to be treated by my parents & how they have sided with my exhusband against me, & what a struggle life has been trying to work through one issue after another with my boyfriend. I am a Christian but I can't go to church right now in good faith because I really feel abandoned by everything good in the world. I still pray but I don't seem to ever get any answers. I have always, my whole life, tried so hard to be good & to please others, and it doesn't seem to have gotten me anywhere. I am hoping that after I pull myself up out of this funk from the breakup that I will start to regain faith in God so I can go back. I still do want my daughter to have the morals taught in church and I still read devotion & pray with her every night, and she has already accepted Christ as her Savior. We'll see. Thanks so much for your posts, they made me feel so much better!Welcome to the board.  You're a good mom.  You have to do what is in the best interest of your child.  If it means not having a misguided stepfather, then so be it.  It has to be hard to blend families anyway, even without kids with special needs.  From your post, it sounds like you have everything pretty planned out as far as your daughters interventions are concerned, and you know what kind of parenting style is going to work for her.  So you are doing great!  Dealing with "nonbelieving" adults must be incredibly frustrating for you.  I would stop trying to educate them (the ex, ex-in-laws, and parents, and SO) about ADHD because it sounds like their minds are already made up.  I never discuss ADHD with my in-laws.  They have a great attitude about being grandparents.  They have never offered me any parenting advice, which is great for our relationship!  So I count my blessings there.  Anyway, I digress.  Good luck and I hope you get some good advice here!Hi, I'm feeling so bad for you, Cypress. During my son's diagnosis I had a telephone conversation with my son's psych, who told me that many, many men (dads, stepdads, SO's) have a problem dealing with ADHD. Not that they have it, but that they feel more discipline, fewer privileges, better parenting, etc., will work the adhd out of the child.  My husband felt this way, but we really worked on it, are trying many alternatives as well as meds as necessary, and I really feel that it has helped the health of the whole family.  I certainly never would advise you to chose someone who dislikes your daughter over her, but I also wouldn't want you to turn your back on someone who may come around.  You definatley must do  what's best for your girl, but maybe seeing that problems between adults are not always black and white, that they can be worked on with a lot of effort, and that SHE isn't the deal-breaker in your life might be really good for her. I don't think sacrificing the happiness in your love life (which we all need, let's be honest) on the altar of adhd is the best course, either.  Kids, once they are past that egocentric phase of their lives, want us to be happy. They can also sense many things that we think we've hidden really well. I know this isn't the advice or opinion you asked for, but I truly feel that you can't help your daughter if you are miserable yourself.To the last two posters. I did give up on educating my parents & ex. I said my piece once to my parents and as far as my ex, I drafted a letter & gave it to the psychologist including what I would say to him if I were her, and she incorporated that into the cover letter that ultimately went to him. With my boyfriend, I have been talking to him for more than a year about this (we'd been together for 3 years), telling him what I learned through research, what from the books I'd read seemed to work best with my daughter, and he kept seeming to listen and be reassured that this wasn't going to adversely affect his son (which was his main concern), but then if my daughter had a bad day or my boyfriend & I got in an argument about it, he'd make the same comments about all she needs is discipline, that I needed to get her under control, that I was using it as an excuse, that I just needed to be harder on her/stricter, that she was just being disrespectful by not listening & doing something the first time I told her, that she needed to be spanked (which I stopped doing with her about a year ago, when I started suspecting that she was ADHD, since I learned about other things that worked better). Because sometimes we'd talk about it & he'd seem to start getting it, I kept hanging on, thinking that we could work through it, god knows we worked through plenty of other issues since we've been together. This last time, all I was trying to do was express apprehension about the start of a new school year, about a new teacher, to him, & he just went back to the same comments, told me I thought my daughter should be exempt from the rules & that I was just afraid she'd actually get some discipline. It just hit me that I was never going to get through to him about this. He thinks that not only should she behave as well as non-ADHD 7 year olds, she should behave as well as his 10 year old, who is kept in line by the threat of spanking and an inconsistent set of expectations from his father & grandparents, including being given the silent treatment when they are mad at him and being threatened, when he does something REALLY bad, to be sent to his mom, who he has seen twice since he was 18 months old (she abandoned him). I foresee all kinds of long-term repercussions from being raised like THAT, the kid is already starting to show some violent streaks & has developed a penchant for lying. I felt like if I could get through to my boyfriend, that we could be really good parents to both these kids. I don't have the strength to keep arguing with him forever though, when he always reverts back to the same comments & beliefs. I am absolutely heartbroken over this but there has got to be a guy out there somewhere who is not anti-ADHD, who can respect my right to parent my daughter the way I believe in, and who can appreciate my daughter's creativity & tenderness while accepting her problems too. Now if I can just remember that at midnight tonight when I can't sleep for crying...