New here - exhausted and frustrated | ADHD Information
Hi all, I've been browsing and am hoping that talking with others that have kids with ADHD I will find an outlet for all the stress, anxiety, and failure I feel...
My name is Jen, 33 yo, married for almost 10 years. Have a 7 yo DS with ADHD, and a 4.5 yo DD. I've known something was 'different' with my son, Josh, since he was about 2. Even though he was my first, he was so hyperactive and difficult to manange...
Had the school do the ADHD testing at the end of kindergarten. Disagreed with their findings of ADHD and went to 2 psychiatrists, a family counselor, and finally a ped. neurologist. After all confirmed he was, I gave in and started meds.
He's been on the meds about 1.5 years (Ritalin LA) and I see no difference. He also suffers from migraines (as do I), and coming off the Ritalin was making them worse, so the doc added 2.5 mg of Focalin in the afternoon. I hate keeping him on all these pills, but I have tried to take him off with no success.
The hyperactivity, I can deal with. The not focusing, I can deal with. What I cannot deal with any more is the temper on this child. He is so angry sometimes, and so difficult. He's like a ticking time bomb and will blow up at any given moment.
I'm rambling, but today was just a horrible day and as I sit here bawling, I cannot figure out what he needs from me. I feel like I've tried so much. We just wrapped up another 10 weeks of Behavior Therapy, which I feel did nothing. He is 7 and doesn't understand why he even has to go, and I feel like I'm breaking his little heart and making him feel 'different'. I just want him to be happy and 'normal', and I know that is a horribly selfish thing to say, I'm just so darn tired.....it drains me, it drains my marriage, and I pay so little attention to my younger child, I feel like I'm short changing her....
Hoping to make some friends here that understand, because no one I know IRL has an ADHD kid and they just don't get it!
Never mind, I misunderstood and thought this was a supportive website for ADHD.
As I stated, we have gone to SEVERAL professionals and I am comfortable with the dx of ADHD. I was just looking for some support and different ideas that people have for dealing with their ADHD kids, not a diagnosis from someone who is not a professional.
Thanks to both of you, I'm already looking up those books! I'm also going to get yet another opinion from another doctor.
MomWI, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to jump all over you (I'm not big on editing my posts, so I'll leave it as is). I feel his meds are not correct.
When he's on the Ritalin, he's so different, no emotions. When he comes off it, he's a whirlwind and explosive, like he has no idea how to unleash the emotions that have been suppressed for the previous 8 hours. The migraines make it harder to deal with. He doesn't eat much on the Ritalin, and that triggers the migraines, I'm pretty sure. I've been journaling it and it definitely has a pattern.
I will be back in a while, he is calm now and wants to talk about our day, since it sucked
Aww don't let Momwi discourage you, I sort of had the same feeling when she responded to me at first. I am sure she only has your best intentions at heart. We all understand your frustrations cuz we have been there. I know that living day to day can be a HUGE challange for me because I feel exactly like you do about so much of my attention going to my nephew that my own 2 kids catch the short end of the deal. I often say my nephew is like a missle without a target, searching for any destruction. It's ok to feel like you do, it's ok to cry and it's ok to feel tired and angry. It's human! There are many great ideas, suggestions, and people here for support. Don't let one person discourage you. Your son and daughter sound to me like they have a great mom and you are doing your best (although I know first hand somedays we don't feel like we are so "great").
So sorry you are having such a rough time. Hang in there, someone here will eventually post something useful to you! 
Because we have ALL been there.
Perhaps a med reevaluation is in order? Have you tried a lot of different meds or just the Ritalin LA. Sometimes different meds work better than others. It seems to be trial and error.
Also the book "The Explosive Child" has some really good advice on dealing with ticking time bombs. Even the front cover shows a child drawn as a bomb ready to go off!
Sounds like you also need a break. Find a way to put yourself up on your priority list. The constant pressure of taking care of these kids wears on us. And the added anxiety of not knowing what to do also is mixed in there. My dd is also 7 and this year, she has really gotten mouthy and oppositional. I was in a panic at the beginning of the summer, but things seemed to have calmed down a little. Good luck and keep us posted.
If ADHD meds and behavior mod isn't working, I highly recommend, in spite of the testing, that you look further. Here's another site where you may get some good insight. This is a site for all sorts of behavioral problems, not just ADHD, but there are some kids who have it. These parents are seasoned vets who have seen it all.
My son got a lot of ADHD/ODD dx. too, but he didn't have it. In the end, we found that out and he's now doing well.
Welcome JenT!! I sure do relate to your frustration. My son is 8 and he is exactly the same way. For along time if Erik wasn't happy nobody was happy. It's like walking on egg shells sometimes. He has a twin brother who is sick of all the attention his brother has gotten for so many years from the school, psychologists, psychiatrists, counselors and his parents.
We have tried hard to make sure Andrew (non-ADHD) feels very loved and gets the attention he deserves. It is very hard and emotionally exhausting dealing with Erik- I have often considered running away
You definately have my support and understanding. I am going to a seminar on "The difficult Child" on August 28th I hope to learn something new. I swear I have read every book and tried every treatment plan-with limited success.
Ang
It's not selfish to say you want a happy & normal kid. Everyone wants that, eh ?!
I understand feelings like; shortchanging the younger child(ren) and shortchanging your hubby. It is draining. It's difficult to jugglle everything when you're dealing with ADHD and/or a child with behavioral issues.
It sounds like you're doing the best you can. And that's all any of us CAN do.
Hugs.
Jen, repeat after me: "I am not a bad mom. I am not a bad mom. I AM NOT A BAD MOM!!!'
OK. If the ritalin isn't working, then you need to look for something else. Whether you try other stimulants, non-stims like strattera or alternative therapies, I think you need to look for a different therapy. About the stims, remember that even though they are the same, kids react differently to different ones. ADHD often comes with other issues. My ds has ADD and fine motor skill problems. Some of the folks here have kids with ADHD and Bi-polar. In a case like that, the ADHD meds make the bi-polar worse. Although you've been through a lot of evaluations, you need to continue trying new things and researching. You'll see that most of the parents who post here recommend a evaluation by a neuropsychologist. A neuropsych has slightly different training from the neuro ped, and may be able to find something the others didn't.
Also, pick up the book Driven to Distraction by Hallowell and Ratey and you may want to look at Stopping ADHD by O'Dell. Actually, anything by Hallowell and Ratey is worth reading.
Does your son have an IEP/504 plan? What are his problems like in school? Do you have a school that works with you or are you fighting with them?
Most of all, Welcome and I hope you pick up some good info and ideas here. Remember, YOU ARE A GOOD MOM!
Jen T, Welcome to the Board! This will be a wonderful and helpful board for you to fall when times are hard. It sounds like you are having a hard time right now and I understand the tone in your post completely. Living with an ADHD child and knowing how to help and handle them takes time and lots of energy. It has to be even harder when you have a little guy that has migraines also. I know with our experience that we had to try several medications until we found the right one. My son had a simular experience with the moodiness, meltdowns, and anger when he was on Adderall. We switched to Ritilin, and it worked better, it just didn't last long enough. We found that Concerta was the ticket for him for the past coulple years. What I'm trying to get across is that the meds he's on just might not be the one thats best for him. It doesn't mean that another one won't work. There are many children who can't take them at all. If you feel that the meds aren't working, look for something else. The alternative board is wonderful here and their are people there that can advise you better than I. Most of us here have been or are in the same boat you are. We really do understand your pain when you just don't know what to do. You really will learn from everyone here. Good Luck and keep on posting!
I get you JenT. But realize everyone is just trying to help based on all their experiences. My son sounds very similar to your son and he's 12 and we've been through it all. And in the end, nomatter what the diagnosis, it's all about behaviors that you want changed.
It's exhausting and feel free to vent to me anytime, privately or otherwise. I recommend the book "the explosive child"...it has great advice to deal with tempers.
I also recommend the book (it's a feel good book) called celebrateadhd by Kirk Martin. I've spoken to him and he has this amazing website and e newsletter. Anyhow, like I said,I've been through it all so I "GET IT"!!!
Thanks for all the support, I SOOOO needed that today. I talked to him for a little while and my DH is home now and so did he. He's in his room for the night for the day he had today (so draining I won't bother to post about it, you've all been there anyway).
I need to definitely have the meds looked at. I know there's a lot out there and the Rit did work in the beginning, but he's grown and changed and the med just doesn't seem to do it anymore.
I am having a 'weepy day' - you know, when you are just so drained that you can barely even cry over it anymore? Just walk around teary-eyed and emotionless. It's tough cuz my DH is 'old school' and doesn't want him on any meds. We don't fight about it, but it's hard to discuss it with him because he is frustrated as well.
I am going to start researching the meds available now. My mom teaches 5th grade and she said they see the most success with the non-long acting meds, even with 10 year olds. She said it 'seems' that the LA meds are harder on the kids' emotions.
Thank you all again for the warm welcome and cyber hugs. I plan on sticking around for a while, as I'm sure I could learn a lot from you all and past experiences.
Jen, welcome! Among my 13-year-old son's many dxes are migraines. My son has had migraines since the age of 4, but we didn't figure it out until he was 9. I started tracking his headaches and realized he was getting 5 to 6 a week. About once a month the headache would be so bad that he would vomit from it. Our ped sent us to a pediatric neurologist who prescribed Inderal, a blood pressure med that is also used to treat migraines. It has been a miracle for my son. Once we got the migraines straightened out, we were able to deal with other issues.
You should also know that many kids who have ADHD also have co-morbid conditions like anxiety, depression or mood disorders. Sometimes stimulants like Ritalin will exacerbate these mood issues. It may be what you're seeing and is something to keep in mind as you trial new meds. It does help to have a thorough evaluation by a neuropsychologist (found at children's and university hospitals) to know exactly what you're dealing with.
Again, welcome and good luck.
Hi JenT.
There may be a different med or combo of meds that would work better for your son. My daughter's psychiatrist has started my daughter on guanfacine (Tenex) which is a beta blocker, to augment her concerta (basically a timed release methyphenidate). It was given to my daughter to help calm her so that sleep might come easier and to counteract weight loss due to the concerta. He also told me that it reduces hyperactivity, increases memory and reduces opposition; it does not increase attention. Being it is a beta blocker, it may also help with migraines. As others (and you) have said, it is time to talk to your doctor about what is and is not working on the current med. Hang in there (I know how tough it is). Vent here when needed.
I am also a mom of a son who experienced much of what you
describe...we started this when he was 4...he just turned 16 yesterday!
I do understand the rages..melt-downs are overwhelming and you just
want some solid answers...I know I did.
My answer is going to be a different perspective than you may have heard
before...behavior is a symptom...understanding the cause is key. Many
children like my son are misdiagnosed adhd when it isn't enough of an
answer...A common theme I hear from Parents and professionals alike
is..."What are we Missing?" sounds like you may be asking the same...
searching from Dr. to Dr.
My son ended up with an Asperger diagnosis (autistic spectrum) don't let
the word autim freak you out... it isn't about a label it is about a better
understanding of the problem that may explain all of what's going on not
just a symptom.
I have learned the autistic spectrum has the answers! It doesn't mean your
son is in there but if you found info there that would help would you care
what it is called? Autism is about social, communication and behavorial
issues... start there...bear in mind...not everyone has every symptom and
to the same degree of impairment...it is a spectrum.
as my son has grown his social problems are primary...he has a very high
IQ and the good news is the rages are less often. Knowing "why" meant
the world to my sanity and helped me avoid diagnoses and treatments
that only would have kept us in the dark.
I took what I found and wanted to share with other parents looking for
similar answers so I wrote a book... that book has turned into a mission
<G> I am currently involved on many levels of collaboration and advocacy
to help kids like ours from getting stuck in a system that doesn't provide
the answers we need.
Right now autism has more answers than you will find anywhere...shame
no one starts by looking there first... and most parents who have figured
it out... did so by determination to get the answers they needed to help
their child.
I hope you find the answers you need to help your son
I wish you wisdom and peace on your journey
Best Regards,
Diane M. Kennedy
Parent-Author
The ADHD-Autism Connection
diane@adhdautismconnection.comJenT, welcome to the board!!!! I find that if i go some thing with out having to think for a couple of hours, i am re energized. Go to a movie by your self, that way you are not having to talk with any one. or try to read. I needle point and hit the movies a couple times a month. I agree with vickie, there are combos of meds that might help. the screaming is not all that UN common with adhd children. when you have the right meds that will dissipate. Jen, you say that your dh doesn't want to give ds meds. Does dh take the phone calls from the school or handle the meltdowns or struggle with ds to do the smallest thing? If not, offer to switch roles with dh. He may come around. Ask dh to consider whether ds likes things to be like they are of if he's just as unhappy as the two of you are. After the first day on meds, I picked my ds up after school and the first thing he said to me was "I like myself so much better on these pills." It made me wish I'd gotten him dxed and on meds years earlier.
I just have to say, my biggest problem was always feeling guilty when I made the wrong decision for my ds. I mean the wrong camp, or class, or friend, etc. But I have to let go and realize I do the best I can and sometimes, it's out of my control.
I think the biggest help to me was the book the explosive child because it made me be more aware of triggers or situations that would make my ds explode and I avoid them. Unfortunatley, at school and camp, they are not always aware and every time my cell phone rings during the day my heart stops for a moment.
And my dh was also very anti-med and we held off on meds until age 12. We did find an out of district private school that catered to kids like him so he really didnt need meds there. Now he's back in public school and meds help a bit.
Also, you do need time for yourself. I love dancing (hence my screen name) and I go every Monday to a big group and dance my heart out from 8-midnight. There I'm just me, nobody's wife, nobody's mother, it's just time to be me and even though it's a late night and I'm tired the next day, it is soooo theraputic for me in so many ways.
Ironically, one close friend I have there has a aspbergers ds so we occationally talk about stuff. She needs to dance too!
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