Don’t know what to do next (long) | ADHD Information

My daughter will be 11 in 2 weeks.  I have posted a couple times on this board both times a few years apart.  Both times were on the same subject and when I go look back it just makes my heart ache.  My daughter has been in therapy for almost 2 years since her father left.  There have been many issues revolving around that, but the behavior has always been there, even back 4-5 years ago.  The lying and sneaking is almost constant.  I know this is an ADHD issue.  I have ADHD and I learned how not to be that type of person.  The thing that really worries me is that she seems to have no remorse.  She has never seemed upset about the problems she causes, behavior she exhibits, etc.  She made her grandmother cry one day becuase of her behavior and yet, it didn't really phase her. 

Last year the therapist said she was worried that this was more than behavioral, but charactoristical (sp).  That this was a personality issue.  Today this was brought up again with the discussion of having a psychiatrist talk to her and see if there is anything we can do.  This really left me feeling like there is nothing I can do to help her, teach her, raise her to be a good adult citizen.  I am scared to death of the future and what more I can do.

Does anyone out there have any experience with their kid?  Is this typical ADHD or should I be really worried.  I see very scary things on the horizon as she ages if I can not find a way to get her to understand write from wrong.

Thanks,   Nicole

It could be that she knows that she hurts you guys, and she feels bad, but
just doesn't show it. Soes she usually show her emotions?

She is on Focalin XR 20mg now.  We no longer take weekends and summer off.  So she is medicated everyday.  The lying is about anything and everything.  Basically whatever she has to do to get life to be just the way she wants it.  The only person in this world is her and she will lie, manipulate, sneak, to make it be just what she wants and nothing else. 

I think tomorrow I will look into finding a psychiatrist to see and possibly see if there are other issues that she needs to work on or another method to work on them.

I am not worried about cost.  When it comes to my kids health and safety, no amount is too much.  Even if that means I eat beanie weenies.

probably. Well, it depends, what is she lying about? I'm not sure how to get
her to talk. Maybe group therapy? Fixing this can also be as simple as
therapy and meds. Meds cost a lot of money, but it's worth it. Trust me!

So is thst why she doesn't show any remorse?  Well why does she just keep lying and sneaking so much.  It seems almost constant.  How can you help depression if she doesn't get help in therapy.  She has been going since October 2004.  She is not super paticipatory.  It is like pulling teeth to get her to talk.  If she is depressed then she is sad, and that hurts too.  How long has she been unhappy.  Years and years. 

I think that maybe for some reason she is afraid to sho wher emotions. And
im sure that since her father left this just made hings worse. She probably
just bottles all her emotions until she finally explodes for what may seem
like a very unreasonable thing. It doesn't sound like sp to me, but i am no
doctor. Maybe she is just extremely depressed. Sometimes it is hard to tell
tat a person is depressed, because they don't eveen let those who are
closest to them know.

She used to never show any happy emotions.  She has recently (in the last year) started to smile and giggle and be happy.  It was then that I realized how she never was a happy, giggly little girl.  But she doesn't cry either.  Since her father left she has cried twice.  Both times it was clear it was because she couldn't burry it anymore.  She has never been very affectionate either.  Never really likes to hug or snuggle or kiss.  This lack of affection has always been very difficult for me.  But it goes all the way back to her infant age.  she didn't want to be rocked or held at all. 

We have tried every form of discipline (grounding, spanking, taking away priveledges, earning priveledges, etc.)  Nothing works.  She has NO self motivation.  She can make a 99 or a 13 in school and they both have the same effect on her. 

I just feel like I am a huge failure and how can I let her out into the world.  I love her so and I hurt for what she will become if she can't get past this.  I have tried every form of discipline

hey nangarza

why not put her in a position where she can learn about altruism and see whether that helps her? 

if she is unhappy it may well be because she is confused and thinks that happiness only comes from getting rather than giving - which is a horrible way to live.  would it be conceivable to let her help out at a homeless shelter or some other giving-situation???  or do you think that wouldn't help at all?  or that she would never do it. 

it must be awful to try so hard to live a completely selfish life only to realise that it brings just more unhappiness.  some people do seem to be wired to be much more selfish and unempathetic than others but it could also be she is simply confused and depressed and what would make her happier is getting out of herself!  rather than more therapy just to indulge more self-absorption, more self-interest, more self, self, self, self.  it gets to a point where you can get so self absorbed you start to disappear up your own backside!

if she is bright perhaps she can volunteer with some project helping those in need going on at your local church?  they can be good fun too --- and practical!!!  building houses to shelter abused mothers with children was an option at the presbyterian church in LA i attended and it meant literally putting brick on brick (under competent supervision of course)!  but amazing. 

or if she is not good with people what about helping at an animal shelter or something with the environment, planting trees etc. etc. or something she cares about???

apologies if these suggestions are boringly obvious.

good luck!
  I don't think lying and sneaking have anything to do with ADHD. It must be something further, and you are right to continue to seek answers to your concerns. best of luck to you.

Has she ever seen a NeuroPsych? If she is never happy and has no remorse, those can be bigger issues. I encourage you to post on another board for feedback. This one is specific only to ADHD, and the lack of remorse is a whole other issue that can be caused by many things (lack of empathy). If she is seeing a therapist, and it isn't helping, I would want her re-evaluated by the guy with the MD, a Child Psychiatrist. It's not your fault. Some kids just don't HAVE empathy, for a variety of reasons. Does her father have psychiatric or substance abuse issues? She could have inherited something that is beyond just ADHD. If she never liked being held or cuddled, even as an infant, more than ADHD, that's a symptom of autistic spectrum disorder and those kids have empathy problems sometimes because they just don't "get it." They also often have a flat demeanor, especially if they have Aspergers. I'd look further and beyond ADHD and see somebody other than the therapist. Kids with Aspergers need to be almost textbook taught things that come naturally to other kids, such as empathy. They also have extremely poor social skills because they don't understand the emotions of others--or their own. A NeuroPsych is good for testing for any form of ASD. At any rate ADHD doesn't explain all her symptoms. Heres the link for a more comprehensive forum:

www.conductdisorders.com

Here is an online pdd/autism assessment test. You may want to take it. People from the PDD board swear by the results, as long as you are honest when you answer.

www.childbrain.com/pddassess.html

 

 

MomWI38938.181400463