Am I losing my mind? | ADHD Information

Thanks for the advice everyone.  I have never really done anything like this but I'm pretty much at the end of my rope with no where else to turn at the moment.  I do not believe that spanking is always the answer but with my daughter, I have tried everything else and none of the other answers have worked so we've even tried spanking.  That didn't work either.  I don't want to teach my kids that hitting is ok but I had to try something to get her attention.  That didn't work either.  As for taking things away, that doesn't work.  The reward system doesn't work.  Asking her if she wanted to have a different mom didn't work.  She just said "I would miss you and sissy".  I am trying to find a councelor that will help all of us.  I talked with someone at the end of last school year but they wouldn't see her to diagnose ADD/ADHD because it was to close to the end of the school year and they want to see her in the school environment to see how she does there.  I was reading through some of the other posts on here and it was amazing to see how many others are going through some of the same things I'm dealing with.  It's nice to know I'm not alone in this when sometimes it feels like I'm a bad mom for some of the feelings I have.   

[QUOTE=Auntie]

Good1,

Asking a kid if they want a new Mom is mean!! Kids need to be secure in the home of all places especially when they have ADHD. But then you don't believe in ADHD do you?

And encouraging spanking. Lovely. Show her who is boss? Come on. How about giving some suggestions that aren't so obvious.  

 

[/QUOTE]

I agree 199%!!!  a child's security is the most important thing you can give them.  We don't spank much at all.  Most of the time it just makes matters worse.  So time out is very effective.  Time out doesn't mean going to their room.  you have to be VERY strict about what is allowed during time out.  when we do time out, it is sitting looking out the front door on a time out stool.  the time out starts when the behavior stops!  that is the most important thing.  the longer my son would talk or cry, the longer time out is.  time out starts when he is quiet and still.  Try the marble system.  Adhd kids have to have hands on discipline.  they need to take part in the punishments so they will SEE the consequences.  I should know, i'm adhd and my son is adhd (8 years old now).  Be consistent and choose the battles wisely.  work on one SERIOUS problem at a time.  I hope this helps.  Keep us posted!

I think the most important thing to do is let her know who is in controll. The
next time she kicks something ver, dont pick it up for her. Send her to her
room, lock her in if you have to and dont let her out until she agrees to
pickk it up. I know it seems cruel but if you do these things fo rher she
knows she can get away with it and will do it more.

[QUOTE=modeejae]I have a 6 1/2 year old who has not been diagnosed with anything as of yet but I seriously need help.  I am a single mom of 2.  My oldest is 12 1/2 and a really great kid.  I didn't used to think so but after dealing with my younger daughter, I have a hard time remembering what was so difficult about my oldest.  In the last 4 days, we have had 3 major meltdowns and I have obtained bruises on my arms and possibly have a broken finger...all from my 6 year old.  One meltdown started after her older sister walked her to her friends house but she wanted her to come in and walk her all the way to the bedroom door.  That one lasted for about an hour and a half.  The second was started when I was trying to brush her hair.  She ended up kicking over a HUGE bucket of lego's and refused to pick them up.  I ended up bawling and trying to talk to her after it was over and she wouldn't even respond when I told her "I love you but I really don't like what you're doing right now."  Absolutly no response at all from that one.  I asked her if she wanted to go live somewhere else because obviously she doesn't want to be with me and her only response was "but you're my only mom".  That just made me cry harder.  Yesterday was because someone mentioned going to the waterslides and I said no.  That one lasted for over an hour as well.  Nothing works with her.  Taking stuff away, grounding her, time-outs, putting her in her room...that one just causes her to become violent and start throwing things and breaking anything she can get her hands on.  Any suggestions would be most helpful as I just don't know what else to do.  [/QUOTE]

She used but your my only mom. Ok, ask her would she like another mom?  You don't act like you like it here, or love me, and hurt mommy's feelings. kids relate to feelings .. BIG TIME ! She may not understand unless you use feelings. Tell her if she was to get get another mommy, she may be so mean and will hurt her or her feelings, would you like that? Then you need to try to behave and listen to me and this will never happen.  If she doesn't pick things up when ask to do so, then take away something she likes ..toy, game, tv..etc.   Tell her that you hurt mommy's feelings, and until you show me you will listen and behave yourself, then you will get it back. Make it clear, if it happens again, the same will happen.

Stay strong and bold and don't let her think she has you under her control. You are the one that is in control. Good luck !

  

good138943.764375

Oh, I see now. Nothing works with her. Do you give in a lot? When you take something away from her, is it for a short time, or do you give in and give it back soon after taking it away?  Do you believe in snacking her butt? You are not a bad mother if you do this. It is when you leave marks or hurt them really bad.

Kids relate to feelings. If she knows you will not put up with it any longer, she will stop. You have to show her who is boss.

good138943.7721064815

Good1,

Asking a kid if they want a new Mom is mean!! Kids need to be secure in the home of all places especially when they have ADHD. But then you don't believe in ADHD do you?

And encouraging spanking. Lovely. Show her who is boss? Come on. How about giving some suggestions that aren't so obvious.  

 

I would have her evaluated :). Find out what you are dealing with first, and then the doctor can lead you in the right direction for treatment.

In the meantime there are many shoulders here to lean on. Hang in there!

What is the "marble system"?  I've never heard of that.  I have tried putting her in time sitting looking at the wall but the only thing that does is make her scream and make herself sick.  We've done the "Your time doesn't start until you're quiet" trick too.  All that does is make a 2 minute time out turn into over an hour.  That's why I've been sending her to her room.  At least that way I can walk away and leave her to throw her tantrum without an audience.  But it's still over an hour before she calms down enough to be able to hear me. 

The reward system needs to be broken down into MUCH smaller chunks for ADHD kids. I suggest you read the Marble thread on this board. The whole day is just too long. That did not work for my son. Start out really small so they feel success, which is motivating. That's the key. Talk about how excited you are because she is so close to earning "such and such toy," etc.

For this really difficult behavior that you are experiencing, I have tried: timeout in a corner facing the wall; any toy that gets kicked or thrown immediately goes in the garbage; soap in the mouth for the shrill screaming; earplugs (for me) and highly valued toys going into the garbage after a warning or two for deplorable behavior. You probably need to sit down and do some serious strategizing, make a plan, and then stick to it.

The reward system combined with consequences worked best for me.

Hi Modeejae.  Bless your heart....hang in there!  You are getting some good responses.  I personally agree with SmallMom that you may be dealing with more than ADHD here......maybe a mood disorder, but of course, only a professional can dx something like this.  I second the advice to get a really good and thorough evaluation by a pediatric psychiatrist AND you also need to sit down with a psychologist who specializes in behavioral plans to map out a strategy to get control back.  Standard parenting practices just do NOT work in these circumstances usually.  Go out and either buy or check out at the library a book called "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene PHD.  Lots of good strategies in this book.  When my son, who ultimately got dx'd ADHD Primary Inattentive with a co-morbid anxiety disorder , was younger (he is now 13), he'd too have hour long rages sometimes....but he would always show remorse afterwards when he calmed down.  Does your child ever show remorse?  He never got a dx of Bipolar even though a few of his worst episodes lasted over an hour.  Fortunately the destructiveness of his rages were mild.....whereas it sounds like your daughter goes all out and tears things up.

Given the length of her rages and destructiveness, she may have some sort of comorbid issue going on, however, she may well just need much more structured approach to parenting and follow through.  Can you videotape any of her episodes??  It may help to have a couple of them on video so when you sit down with the psychologist and/or psychiatrist they know EXACTLY what you are dealing with.  Videos are not subjective....they show it like it is so there is no misunderstanding what transpired.  That's why SUPERNANNY uses them to help the parents she deals with.  Just an idea.

Hang in there. You are NOT alone although you may feel you are the only person on the face of the earth dealing with this.  Your daughter is only 6 so the good news is with the right support ...both medical and psychological.... it is not too late to gain control before those crucial teen years where its much harder to gain control!     Okiemom 

Modeejae, what you're describing sounds far more serious than ADHD.  You need to have her evaluated by both a board-certified child psychiatrist and a neuropsychologist.  I truly believe your daughter doesn't have control over her behavior.  Her disorder needs treatment, but you need to know what that disorder is or you will not be able to put the proper interventions into place.  This is not about finding the right discipline; this is about finding out what is going on with her so you can get her help.  Good luck.

I'd look into ADHD parenting classes (not regular ones).

Have you tried just telling her to stay in her room until she can control herself to address the meltdowns?

Have you tried a reward system?

Hello and welcome.  Hugs to you, you need it.  Maybe you need to go to counseling with her to help repair your relationship and get some guidance as to how to handle her.  She sounds a little ODD to me.  Punishing a child with ODD doesn't work too well, in my experience.  Fix your relationship first and foremost.  Then start a reward system.  Reward her for doing things right, and minimize punishment for doing things wrong.  There are also books out there for dealing with ODD kids.  Good luck!

 I have a child like that at home too.  NO regard to consequences AT ALL!

After years of trying what I could on my own, we have recently begun taking her to a Psychologist.  I don't think it is helping her too much, but it is helping me some....Giving me different techniques to try, etc.  It has helped my stress level, which after several yrs. of putting up w/ this was getting quite "stressy". 

My daughter does have an ADHD (plus) diagnosis and because her behavior is so bad at home, her Dr. wanted to rule out other things like anxiety disorders, OCD, and Bipolar because these are often misdiagnosed as ADHD.  Fortuantely these have been ruled out w/ my daughter, but I'll tell you one thing I was told...The Psych. asked how long her "rages or meltdowns" last.  I said usually under a half hour.  She said that's one pretty good indicator (although of course there's many other factors involved) that it is NOT Bipolar.  With Bipolar, the rages will usually last an HOUR or more.

It sounds like your daughter's are falling into the hour or more category.

There's so many things that could be going on with a child.  It's best to get them evaluated by professionals, so you can start working on a plan to help her.  Until you know what your dealing with, it's really difficult to figure out how to deal with it!

Good luck to you!  I know how hard it is.

 

 

She will NOT just stay sit in her room.  She has torn things off the wall, broken things, thrown things at the walls, kicked and punched the walls...  I can't keep the door closed on her without standing there and holding it shut.  When she gets like this, she honestly can't even hear me talking.  She just has these "wild eyes" and grits her teeth and holds her breath.  Yesterday she got ahold of my shirt and was holding it so tight her whole body was shaking with the strenth of it.  I've tried to reward the good behavier by keeping a "good day/bad day" chart on the fridge.  We started with 2 good days in a row then she gets a reward (a new book, new crayons, a new pencil, new shoes).  Not a major thing but something she looks forward to.  The plan for 3 good days in a row was 30 minutes playing a board game of her choice or a computer game.  We haven't even been able to get thru one good day! 

I'm checking into some sort of counciling for us as a family.  I think it might help.  I need to get her diagnosed.  Her teacher brought up ADD at the end of Kindergarten but I couldn't find anyone who would even see her over the summer about it.  School starts here in about 3 weeks and I can't even imagine what she's going to be like this year. 

I have a 6 1/2 year old who has not been diagnosed with anything as of yet but I seriously need help.  I am a single mom of 2.  My oldest is 12 1/2 and a really great kid.  I didn't used to think so but after dealing with my younger daughter, I have a hard time remembering what was so difficult about my oldest.  In the last 4 days, we have had 3 major meltdowns and I have obtained bruises on my arms and possibly have a broken finger...all from my 6 year old.  One meltdown started after her older sister walked her to her friends house but she wanted her to come in and walk her all the way to the bedroom door.  That one lasted for about an hour and a half.  The second was started when I was trying to brush her hair.  She ended up kicking over a HUGE bucket of lego's and refused to pick them up.  I ended up bawling and trying to talk to her after it was over and she wouldn't even respond when I told her "I love you but I really don't like what you're doing right now."  Absolutly no response at all from that one.  I asked her if she wanted to go live somewhere else because obviously she doesn't want to be with me and her only response was "but you're my only mom".  That just made me cry harder.  Yesterday was because someone mentioned going to the waterslides and I said no.  That one lasted for over an hour as well.  Nothing works with her.  Taking stuff away, grounding her, time-outs, putting her in her room...that one just causes her to become violent and start throwing things and breaking anything she can get her hands on.  Any suggestions would be most helpful as I just don't know what else to do. 

  We've been dealing with a kid that didn't respond to any consequences whatsoever for years. I am the most consistent parent I know, and it didn't matter with this kid. We had him evaluated and we just got a Bipolar w/ADHD diagnosis, so I'd definitely get her evaluated by a child psychiatrist ASAP.

 

  Try to step back when she's really raging (unless she's going to hurt herself, then retrain her) and get some space from her. Even if it means locking yourself in the bathroom. If she's out of control and you're crying and struggling to deal with her, that's a lot of chaos for both of you to deal with. I feel for you. I understand how difficult it is to stay calm when you're dealing with a kid that has behavioral issues.

  It sounds like your daughter needs to be evaluated and that you need a break, badly. Do you have a supportive network of people around you to help out ? Grandparents that could spend a few hours with her, so you can have some down time ? An Aunt ? Her Father ? A friend ?

 

  Make sure to be kind to yourself right now as well. It's so easy to put ourselves on the back burner when our natural instinct is to take care of our child's needs at all costs. Don't forget to take care of you too, hon.

   Hugs.