WTF is my problem socially? | ADHD Information

I just can not figure out what it takes to do good in social settings.

I'm courteous, friendly, try to maintain a happy mood, and don't dominate conversations, and don't do anything bad to people, and I feel they just don't like me for no apparent reason.

I can accept people for who they are, but why can't they accept me?

I'm upset because when I'm in a group of people, I get little "comments" about me from others such as "your really f**ked up" or "are you ok" and all I am doing is sitting there minding my own business. And when I do talk, I try to keep it brief and to the point, but people just don't want to hear anything I have to say. Other people in the social setting talk about the stupidest sh*t and everyone acts like it's ok for them to say it, but I feel outcasted when I say stuff. It's not f**king fair.

I'm an attractive, young 24 yr old male with long blonde hair, intelligent, and friendly, but people just treat me like sh*t.

Is it something I'm doing or "NOT" doing, or do I just need to find a better circle of friends?

I think feeling socially awkward is part of having ADHD. I think that we all have said impulsively non-sensical remarks or said the wrong thing or something out of context. We have all gotten responses from others as to the weirdness of our remarks or that we said something inappropriate. It can undermine your self-confidence. You start to second guess what others are thinking and even become a bit paranoid. I've have been through this as well.

However, I am sure you are very creative person who has some interesting things to say. I agree that many "linear" types have very boring conversations. I work in a law office. Nothing is more boring that some attorney describing his golf game, hole by hole. ARGH!

You need to concentrate on the people you enjoy and not worry about the others. I know this is easier said than done. But I have learned to find the support and acceptance from my few closest friends.

 

 

For me as I got older, I started learning to cover these things up and tried not to get defensive if people said that to me.  I would come back with a smart ass or funny comment about being deep in thought about what they said!!! 

Social situations are a double edged sword for me - I seek out people and tend to be the loud cut up that people want to be around, but sometimes it takes a lot of energy to do this.  I think that is probably why I drink a lot in social situations!!! 

For me it is also easier to get away with being the ass in a crowd of my peers because they expect fire folks to be loud and to the point - "A" type personality or something!!!  I avoid situations where I have to be politically correct all the time!!!

Another problem I get from folks is that they think I'm "zoning out" when I'm not.

I'll be concentrating on stuff, while either walking or sitting down, and I'll get asked....are you ok? and are you all there today?, and I'll respond, yes I'm here, what makes you think I'm not, and nobody can give me a straight answer, other than just saying you "look" like you are zoning. ?!?!?!?!?????

Just too confusing for me.I would say to find new friends!  Those you describe aren't even friends! I would rather be alone than put up with that sh*t!

Try getting into some discussion groups or clubs related to some of your interests.  Be sure to have an open mind about people - not judge on their appearance etc, cause sometimes the interesting people don't appear interesting until you get them on the right topics.   I have friends I can discuss quantum physics with - not many but a few.

Focusing on the people you can really relate to and who are fun to be with and interesting to talk to is a key.  You've only got so much (energy, time etc) to invest in social relationships why not be with people who make you feel good as opposed to ones who make you feel ugh.  Make them more important than the ones who are not fun.  And when you are with those people, if something you share in common, focus on that in conversation.

Do you see that the deficit is in them not you?  You've just got a bad match for friends.   If the topic of conversation were something you were interested in, I bet you light up and have no problems making a conversation.  You also should look at your own value system.  Determine why it is important to you to be popular, have a lot of friends etc.  That is something our society has determined should be important and may not really be how you feel.  The sooner you break free of externally imposed values and embrace your own values the happier you will be.  (Values means - what is important to me, what motivates me)

Don't wait til you're in your 40s to break free of the crowd and appreciate yourself.

Susan Renard

[QUOTE=ADHDinsane]Thanks for the replies.

I gave it some thought, and what I'll do is visit this group of people less, but still come by, just less often.

I do have friends that I enjoy, and I guess I need to realize that people can be mean sometimes, and I should strive to be around people I enjoy more.

I have a hard time finding others to be around sometimes. I have interests in fixing stuff, and building computers and electronic circuits, but nobody else really does this stuff much, so I don't really talk about it too much.

Is there also other things I can do to change other people's perception of me? Even though I'm 24, most people think I'm 17 or 18 by the way I look, and I wonder if that's one problem that may hinder me socially.....

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Your post caught my attention. My entire life I have felt "different" or a maverick as some may put it. In social situations it has always been this way. For example you wrote that you could just be sitting minding your own business and someone may tell you you're weird or different.

Here is my theory about this topic:

I was recently diagnosed at age 40 with ADHD. With the help of an awesome wife, doctor and shrink as well as the right medication, it seems as if the fog is beginning to lift. But still, I feel like and others make me feel as though I am "unique".

I truly believe everyone gives off vibes; or I should say our spirits on a subconscious level gives off vibes that we cannot consciously see when we interact with others.

I believe those of us with ADHD give off different vibes than someone "normal". These different vibes are what others pick up on subconsciously and then respond consciously in the only manner they know how to. By telling us we are different, weird, etc.

They tell us this because they do not understand why we are the way we are and it is a defense mechanism because we are outside of their realm of reality.

For example, I come across as shy, aloof, or arrogant and conceited. I am none of these. It is just that sometimes I interact with others the only  way my brain knows how.

Also, I attract people to me like crazy. Yet in social situations I feel awkward around these people whom I attract.

I didn't mean to get so deep, or philosophical but this is the best way I know how to describe what I think you are feeling.

Just be happy with who you are and try not to worry about what others may think, say or do. Those of us with AD/HD are a breed unto ourselves and I think on some level we are the "normal" ones because we follow the beat of our own drum.
Thanks for the replies.

I gave it some thought, and what I'll do is visit this group of people less, but still come by, just less often.

I do have friends that I enjoy, and I guess I need to realize that people can be mean sometimes, and I should strive to be around people I enjoy more.

I have a hard time finding others to be around sometimes. I have interests in fixing stuff, and building computers and electronic circuits, but nobody else really does this stuff much, so I don't really talk about it too much.

Is there also other things I can do to change other people's perception of me? Even though I'm 24, most people think I'm 17 or 18 by the way I look, and I wonder if that's one problem that may hinder me socially.....

Maybe you need to find people you have something in common with?  24 is a strange age, for me it was.  I had lots of "friends" cause I was wild and would party all the time.  Were they really my friends?

Find an adhd support group if there is one in your town.  My advice is be yourself, because true friends know what you are really like!!!    True friends watch your back for you and you recipricate!! 

I agree with busterangel, usually there is only a couple really close friends.  Since I have been on the proper medication, everyone is my friend, but I only have a handful I would rely on in a bad situation!!! 

I really haven't found any groups yet that share my interests, but however, this forum is great. It makes me feel like there's people I can actually talk to, but the problem is I can't always be at the computer :(

Also, even though I have a few friends, I feel like my social life sucks and is falling apart, especially after I left my wife. When I was married, I didn't really have such a strong want for friends, because I had her. I also met people through her. I try to meet people through my brother, but his friends are assholes.

I'm just so discouraged at times, and I feel the only folks that want to talk to me, only talk to me because they want a favor from me. I do not want to do favors for everyone and become a slave to that, it's happened to me in the past, and I am not so apt to do favors anymore.

I also feel disadvantaged because I'm a white male, because females talk to each other more comfortably, and if you are black or hispanic, you are more accepted by others of your kind, than if you are white. However, I try to make friends with all ethnic groups.

Sorry to ramble, just depressed and my ADHD brain is running at 100 Mph right now :eek:ADHDinsane38954.8064351852 I couldn't help responding to your post because some of the things you've said remind me of myself in certain situations.  I don't know if this is true for you but for me I have found that part of the problem is the fact that I am very self conscious about myself and everything I say and do to the point where people can actually pick it up.  I find that once I start to feel that way it's better if I just keep quiet until I am feeling more confident because the more they sense how I'm feeling the more they will tend to pick.  It has taken me a while to understand social ques and with time I got better at it and make friends relatively easily now, but more so with people that I can relate to that have similar interests to mine.  I also tend to gravitate to kinder people that are not judgemental.

I still have my moments of insecurity around certain groups of people.  There are just certain types of personalities that I simply find intimidating and there's nothing I can seem to do to change it so I try to limit my dealings with them if I can.  It does take time to find where you fit in but don't give up, you will.  I thought what SWilkin wrote was a great post.  You certainly seem like a nice enough person from your post and there are people out there that can appreciate you for who you are.  You might just have to look in different places then you've already tried.  Sometimes we get dropped into a bad batch of apples and it's not our fault.  Sorry you are feeling down and I hope something I said may help a little.   You've certainly got friends here.    Hang in there and please do keep posting.   Dee lostmyshoe38955.814525463 ADHDinsane, I have the same problems at times.

I have a loud voice and I think people are put off by it. My husband says I say things in a rude tone. I'M not really aware of it and I am now always trying to speak softly and it seems to help.
It may also be your body language ?
 My husband said my body language is great the way I carry myself, very gracefull and confident but when I open my mouth, well ?
I don't care for small talk much and hate phoniness.
Sometimes I act like a wallflower and sometimes I am very outgoing.
Some people say that I act like a little insecure mouse and others say wow, that sure is a self-confident woman. This confuses people.
I can almost apply for any job and I'll get it right away.the same day.

But if you explain things to people and they still don't accept you, maybe you are too good for them. Maybe they are even intimidated ?
Find people that share your interests !!

worldisround38956.0312037037 [QUOTE=Troy] I truly believe everyone gives off vibes; or I should say our spirits on a subconscious level gives off vibes that we cannot consciously see when we interact with others. I believe those of us with ADHD give off different vibes than someone "normal". These different vibes are what others pick up on subconsciously and then respond consciously in the only manner they know how to. By telling us we are different, weird, etc. They tell us this because they do not understand why we are the way we are and it is a defense mechanism because we are outside of their realm of reality. [/quote]

I've wondered for a while if/what subconcious stuff had to do with it. I even get the feeling that people speak in an invisible "other language" besides English when speaking and I have not picked up on it well.

Also I do find that most other people are afraid of anything they don't understand. (computers, electronics, etc) I guess if it's outside their realm of reality or not what they are used to, they are afraid of it. Like "different" people, lol.

[quote]Those of us with AD/HD are a breed unto ourselves and I think on some level we are the "normal" ones because we follow the beat of our own drum.
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Does this mean we have the desire to listen to our own feelings, and do what WE want to do instead of conforming to the ways of others?You are absolutely right most people love to talk about themselves. I know I do. 

Unless I'm moody and pissed off.

Asking questions about the person is a good icebreaker and giving them honest compliments.

I just don't ask very personal things about the person.
I don't know if I'd say we do what we want. I'd say it's more like we have the ability to cut through all of the verbal crap and conscience crap and see the real picture. At least I know it is this way for me.

I have never been one to follow along with the crowd or as some would say adopt a sheep mentality. Let me give you two examples which you may or may not agree with.

1) Credit Cards - Credit cards have been around for public consumption since the 50's. They actually started out for rich people to be able to purchase meals and goods and services. They were an exclusive thing to have. Then, credit cards were pushed to salesmen and women through the companies they were working for. After these people we indoctrinated that they "needed" credit cards, the idea of using plastic and charging stuff was passed onto the public. As more sheep got in line, using plastic went from being "weird" (I say weird because before this time people were smart enough to realize that whenever you made charges to a piece of plastic or put something on account, you were a slave to someone else)
to being "normal". Personally from the time I was able to comprehend the use of money, I saw credit cards for what they were. I saw my parents having to pay some phantom in a suit somewhere for charges they made to an inanimate object. For this reason, I never ever got a credit card. I stepped back from the crowd and paid for what I needed and didn't get sucked into the "I need it now" mentality.

2) Cell Phones - Cell phones are the biggest con I have ever seen in my life. Once again the sheep adopted a piece of technology that salesmen and women or people who needed to constantly be in touch were using. For what? Why did eveyone adopt cell phones. To fit in? To go along with the crowd? To feel important? Some will argue that they need a cell phone for an emergency. B.S. How often does an emergency occur? Some say they need it to stay in touch with their children. B.S. As a society we survived just fine without them. Are they handy in emergencies? You bet. Are they great for keeping track of the kids? Yes in some cases, but at the same time it limits their freedom to grow up. However, how many people really use their cell phones for something productive, which is important enough to warrent paying a cell phone bill each month? Once again the sheep mentality.

Take these two expenses in a family budget, cut them out and I wonder how many sheep would still be bleating that they can't make ends meet.

I have digressed some here and have probably rambled on way too much but my point is as someone with AD/HD I have always say back, have looked at what is really going on. I guess for me I have alwasys asked myself a very basic question. What is the real truth (my reality of truth) of what is occuring in this situation?   

Don't feel alone if you feel as if you stand out from everyone else. I have since the day I was born. I knew I was different from the time I can remember and I came to terms with it and have always thought to myself, "well I guess I'm a little unique" and I wear it like a badge of honor.   

[QUOTE=Troy]I don't know if I'd say we do what we want. I'd say it's more like we have the ability to cut through all of the verbal crap and conscience crap and see the real picture. At least I know it is this way for me.

Very well put.  It is like we have an uncanny ability.  Do all ADDers have this? I think it is what makes me so blunt.  I get so impatient with beating around the bush and all that BS.  People make me tired. 

But yeah, if you want friends you have to listen.  Don't be needy.  Needy people are so draining.  People want to be around other people who make them feel good.  It is all about give and take.  But if you really love and care for somewone they can't help but respond.  It has to be sincere though. 

What I Like about this forum is you can ramble and not make sense, but nobody cares.  I can just be my Add self and it is all good. 

Insane - I'm also 24. Most of my friends will look at me funny, shake their heads, then tell my WHY I'm not supposed to say what I just said. They've learned that I'm a bit weird, they can tell when I'm a bit off, and they can tell when my brain just flat out stopped working. Even the people I work with don't ever tell me I'm stupid or insult me, they just tell me to repeat whatever I was saying a bit slower so my brain can catch up with my mouth. Then I have to ask them what I was talking about.

BTW, don't recommend echinacea for anything if your brain keeps confusing it with euthanasia. [QUOTE=teacher2006]

What I Like about this forum is you can ramble and not make sense, but nobody cares. I can just be my Add self and it is all good.

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YES!!!! Agreed!

This forum is great, gives you a chance during the day to be yourself!Thank you for your replies, I'm feeling a bit better knowing that it is not the end, and I can still make friends.

I'm trying to learn the best ways to be quiet, but sometimes how I'm feeling just shows no matter what I do even when I don't speak, so I'll have to work on that.

Now, I don't want to be popular, but just want friends that don't make me feel weird for just me being me. It's normal to be happy, or mad, and want to be accepted, not judged for my normal feelings.

Thank you all here for being so cool!    [QUOTE=worldisround]
But if you explain things to people and they still don't accept you, maybe you are too good for them. Maybe they are even intimidated ?Find people that share your interests !!
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Thank you.

I'm definately looking for people that share more common interests. I've already met people at work that seem pretty cool and want me to go socialize with them.

But what I try to do when around people lately (this seems to be working) is to show interest in what they are talking about, and not talk very much about myself.

However, on the forums, I tend to be more open.