I dont know what to do | ADHD Information

I am a mother of a 7 year old boy about ready to start the 2nd grade tommorow he has been diagnosed with ADHD / ODD back when he started Kindergarten since then he has been on 36mg of Concerta and Clonidine at night to help him sleep - I would say since summer began I have been having defiant issues with him and its mostly with me - like for example my best friend watches him for me in the summer time and he doesn't pull the stuff with her that he does with me - we went to our county fair last week and he is totally different when I'm in the picture - I have grounded, yelled, bribed everything a parent who is at there wits end would do and nothing has worked it's like talking to a brick wall HE JUST DOESNT LISTEN TO ME - when he's around father not as defiant either YET he is totally stressing me out which in turn is causing me and my husband to fight more - like this morning he has started this "SIKE" crap its when you say something jokingly then say SIKE well I hate it and told him NOT to do it anymore so this morning I drop him off and he knows he is supposed to get out of the car I have to get to work so I tell him to go and he does this fake whine then says SIKE so I told him thats it no swimming today at my friends house she has a pool in her backyard and this was his last day there - so he stands at the bottom of her steps stomps his feed and sticks his tougne out me - this BRATTY behavior is driving me NUTS I wouldn't be here right now if I dared tried this with my parents - he literally has NO RESPECT for me at all I honestly don't know what I have done to lose it and I honestly don't know what to do to get it back - and I feel like just running away from him and his father. I keep thinking that it's not supposed to be like this with parent and child - and yet with the way he is I can't stand to be around him it makes it hard and then I feel like an awful parent to be thinking that - I don't forsee it getting any better I dont know whether to up his meds since he has been on the same for 3 years - people I am close to don't even want to be around him for the way he treats me. I just don't know what to do.

13 years ago I was exactly where you are now - my son saved all his worst behavior for me and only me. He was better with my husband, and pretty good around other people. No one understood the things I told them about his behavior around me. Not his daycare provider, not his teachers. I spent many nights crying myself to sleep wondering what I was doing wrong, why this little boy was so hateful and disrespectful of his mom. Then in first grade his teacher noticed some problems with learning to read, we had him tested and discovered he had ADD. What a wonderful day that was, when I found out I was not causing his problems! He has not been diagnosed with ODD, but I have read enough about it to know he has a lot of the characteristics, and he also has tourettes, although it is mild and usually we are able to control it. We tried Ritalin and was amazed at the results. I am happy to say that now 13 years later, he is in his 2nd year of college and doing far better than we ever imagined! When we live under the same roof, like this past summer, he is still very negative toward me, but as soon as he moves away, he becomes much more tolerant of me and actually calls me to ask for help on a regular basis! So there is hope! it can be a long, sometimes painful, almost always exhausting road, but if you commit to knowing all you can about ADD and doing all you can to help your child, you will see the results on down the road.

We found that the best way to stop his negative behavior was with charts where he earned priveleges. We had to change them frequently since after about a month it wasn't interesting to him anymore. I found that when he was acting in an unacceptable way I could just pick up a pen and walk towards the chart and he would immediately change his behavior. Working on only 3 or 4 behavior problems at a time worked the best. Making sure that everyone he was around - daycare provider, grandparents, teachers etc., knew what was going on and supported the system was a must. Good luck and hang in there!

It's nice to hear of success stories!!!! YOU can get thru this!!!

We've all been at those frustrating, nerve racking stages. We just want to give up/give in.

You just have to stay one step ahead of your child. I anticipate my child's actions, reactions ect... I'm usually right on.

Like I said, THIS BOARD is a life saver for me! I find comfort and understanding HERE!

Good luck to you 2578!

Thank you for the advice I agree with you totally - It wasn't a pool party though see my girlfriend watches him for me while I work during the summer and she has a pool in her backyard that he was hoping to swim in today being his last day there and all and after he did what he did I discussed it with her and she agreed that by being consistent that under no circumstances is he allowed to swim in the pool today per my rules but see he won't act out with her like he would me.

She has a son to that is 7 also he has no issues but they like dont get along very well they tolerate each other but there not best buds which leads me to believe that he has a hard time making friends to. My friend has always been a stay at home mom and her kids although not perfect angels BUT they are a heck of alot better then mine - and mine has been watched since he was 8 weeks old. Sometimes I feel I'm being punished for being a working mom versus a stay at home mom and sometimes well all the time actually I think to myself would things be different if I was a stay at home mom???? BELIEVE ME if I could afford it I would have been.

Don't blame yourself for not being able to stay at home with your son because I am a stay at home mom and it's no different with my son also 7. Sometimes I think it might make things a little better if I did work. But hang in there were in the same boat and right now I feel like my boat is sinking.

In addition to discussing with your doctor posible med adjustment, you might also try Ogram's marble system. It is basically a positive reward system with consequences. You work on a few behaviors at a time. I have had great success with it. It has helped me be a calmer and more consistant parent. My daughter cannot push my buttons easily any more, I just remind her that it will cost her marbles to have that privilege.

http://www.adhdnews.com/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=19898& PN=1

I understand. I've been there too. It will get better, but it's not easy. It takes a lot of patience, understanding and love. Maybe it's time for a change in meds. Talk with his Dr.

Sounds, like he's feeding off you. Don't let him get you all worked up. Stay calm and firm everytime.

Also, I'd say, stick to your guns, if you say no swimming, are YOU prepared to deal with no swimming, are you prepared to stay home with your child, becuase of no swimming. Don't set him up to fail. You know what will happed if you take him to the pool and don't allow him to swim. You know he will act up.

Only have a consequence that can actually be followed thru and have a consequence and SOON as the infraction, now I know that's hard when you drop him off and you have to go to work.., but make sure it's something that can actually be followed thru with.

My son used to be like that too. Disrespectful and rude. He is not like that anymore since I changed my behavior. I used to get worked up and yell and scream, ect... but, now I don't. Don't bribe, don't play his games. You are the boss. Personally, I feel discipline is a matter of respect, NOT, intimidation, NOT bullying, not game playing.

I am not perfect and I don't claim I am (that's my disclaimer :), BUT, this is what I would have done if it was my kid I wouldn't even have taken him over to the friends house for the swim party. I know you have to suffer too, but if that's what you told him, no swimming, then why take him?

If my son would've did that to me. I would have gotten out of that pool. Calmly and firmly grabbed him by the shoulder, let him into the house away from others. Firmly and CALMLY told him, that what he did was not acceptable, was disrespectful, that I'm not going to tollerate it EVER again. We'd get our stuff and leave to go home immediately. When we got home he would have a spanking (I know I'll catch hell for this one people) and make him clean the bathroom and send him to his room for the rest of the night. No dinner, no snack no whatever he is missing. I'd watch him like a hawk, every step of the way, and when he trys to talk and whine and cry his way out of it, I'd send him to his room for the rest of the night, end of story. Let him throw a fit up there all night long.

You have to do whatever works for you and what you are doing now, is not working.

Please don't give up or give in. It is your child's life and he needs you to help him. I know it's hard and frustating, but you can find much comfort on these boards.

Good luck to you!

We have had some pretty good results with respect issues since my son has started Karate. We found a GREAT place that has two male instructors who are "way cool" in my sons eyes because they have shaved heads and there are pictures of them in competion, etc! They make the class fun, but they can be very intimidating (and I love it!) when it comes to respecting them! They have even spoken to him one on one about how he should address adults, me and my husband. Many ADHD kids do well in Karate and it certainly came as a shock to me -- was sure this was going to be yet another class we were going to have to leave before the session was over.

Just a thought!

You're not alone. My nephew is completely the same way with me.. no repect at all. However, he was having the same problems in all the day care situations he was in as well, unless it was a one on one environment and he had the complete attention of the person with him. I have 2 children of my own and moved in to help my brother with the issues thinking him being in his own home environment, structure, and constant attention would benefit him. He has to compete for the attention with my children tho and many days it is horrible. I know you're frustration. It's very hard sometimes for these kids to always have to have the last word. Lately, I have started saying "yes, dear" or "yes, lemondrop" just something that sounds like I agree but he knows that it is not sincere and will usually just start laughing and stop whatever it is that he was doing or screaming about. I wish you luck and don't feel guilty for working... you would most likely be

dealing with it 24-7. I am somedays

gosh it feels so good to be on hear and listen to everyones simialr stories..we are all just alike and my son at 4 has the adhd and possible odd also-i feel just like the other mom..guilty cause i have to work and hes been in daycare since the age of 1 ...so yes its a long journey but we love our children the way they are REGARDLESS!!!!

EVERY ONE TAKE CARE AND KEEP COMMUNICATING TO OUR CHILDREN POSITIVE THINGS ......HAVE A GREAT DAY EVERYONE

GOD BLESS

I really do appreciate everyone's input it does help to know there are other people out there with the same issues instead of thinking your the only one

Today was the first day of school and for the most part the morning was good I did notice him repeating the bad things like doing the "SIKE" stuff and I could tell he was just pushing my buttons like he would do it and look at me like just awaiting my response which I really had to bite my tougne to ignore him but that is what I did just acted like what he was doing was not going to upset me - what I don't understand is WHY if in the past he gets yelled and screamed at and grounded and knows he makes me mad WHY does he do it?????? It's almost like a thrill for him - until I bust his butt then he cries if he knows thats the outcome then why????? I know he is smarter than that he gets awarded for good behavior to he knows when things are good all is happy in the home so why would he opt for it to be bad - I just dont understand!!!!

2578tom wrote:

"WHY if in the past he gets yelled and screamed at and grounded and knows he makes me mad WHY does he do it??????"

THere is a lack of impulse control and lack of time awareness (past experience and and future consequenses are not considered). Or, as my daughter used to say "because it is fun!"

Yeah you are right its like memory draws a blank - is it best to ignore it rather then giving in to it??

By reacating in anger - maybe if he sees once and for all my buttons wont be pushed - heck I dont know I'm just at wits end and ready to try anything maybe its something I should of tried a long time ago - I'm actually going to my Dr. tommorow to see if I can get on something for myself to be able to cope.

First, take care of yourself. You are making the right decision to see your doctor. Think of it as a game, how well can you ignore "SIKE" and catch him at doing something good? Then praise him for the good thing.

I had to do something similar when my daughter was having rages...stay calm, tell her I would talk to her when she calmed down (and I would leave the area), then praise her for getting a handle on her anger. Her anger rarely gets out of hand anymore.

Also, when the kids would get hyper and wild (driving me nuts), I would calmly tell them that they were wearing me out, and if it continued I would not be able to (make dinner, take them for ice cream, whatever the activity was that would affect them). I had to follow through on the not making dinner one time.

Try all the tricks until one works, and know that you are not the only one with challenges, and the "challenge" will grow up eventually.

[QUOTE=2578tom]

I got a prescription for Lexapro a few weeks ago from my doc because I just couldn't cope anymore. It has helped me a lot with patience and irritability.