Marriage Problems | ADHD Information
Thank you for sharing both your stories with me . They made me smile. Linda, I am so happy to hear things are progressing nicely. You're a great mom and I have a lot of respect for you. Best of luck and keep in touch. :)
Your husband is a total jerk (that's putting it mildly!) Never put your kids before a man! He is the one with the problem - he has no sympathy or understanding. Get rid of him and if he is taking things that are the kids I would definately get my locks changed! He's heartless!
We should talk! Before finding this board, I thought I was all alone in the things that I was experiencing. You're definately in the right place if you're looking to vent or to get a little support. I've basically isolated myself from a lot of family and friends and have discovered that it's hard to talk to them about my problems because unless you actually live it....it's really hard for them to understand or offer advice.I have a feeling this post will be a little lengthy, so I apologize in advance. First of all, our situations sound VERY similar. I was a foster parent to my son (now 6) from the time he was 3 weeks of age. I ended up adopting him 2 years later as a single mother. During those 2 years, my first marriage fell apart due to infidelity on the part of my ex. Then I met a wonderful man not too long after and we've been married now for a little over 3 years. I, quite by surprise, found myself pregnant and we have a biological son age 3. Now I'm facing marital issues because my husband and my oldest son cannot get along at all. Also, his parents treat my oldest son A LOT differently than their biological non-ADHD ODD grandchild. I constantly feel like I have to be around to defend my oldest and ensure that he's being treated fairly. That's causing major stress issues with me and my resentment towards my husband and his parents.
I've threatened to leave SEVERAL times but having gone through one divorce already, I know that the grass is not any greener as a single parent. I'm scared to put my kids through a divorce but I'm almost certain it will come down to that at some point if things don't change.
All I can say to you in the way of advice/support is this....
I'm sorry you AND your kids are going through a separation. As their mother you can only try to keep their best interests at heart and continue to tell them over and over again that the fault is not theirs. Unfortunately there's no instruction manual on how to be a good parent let alone a good parent to a child with special needs. Some people just can't handle it. They just don't have the tools they need to deal with the special issues that arise. I'll never understand why men feel they can leave a huge mess behind for us to clean up...in so many ways. He's created a HUGE mess in telling your son that it's his fault. I, myself, I'm not sure if I could forgive someone for putting that kind of burden on my son. Personally, I would seek ways to build his self esteem and perhaps go to therapy with your children....and forget about their dad. They're going to need a lot of help to undo the damage that their father has done.
Wow, I'm really glad that you and your kids were finally able to have a good day. More will follow, I'm sure of it! You certainly have not offended me in talking about God. I appreciate you sharing that thought with me. As I said before...we should talk! lol I'm only 35 but many have said I've already lived a full life. I've been through an awful lot in just a handful of years. I don't mean to ramble on but I just wanted to share with you a little story you might appreciate since you were mentioning the thought about adoption...
When I was with my first husband and after I had been told that I could never have children (a fact that was later proved to be incorrect 
) I went through about a solid year of what I can only describe as total depression and anger at God. I did not understand why I had to go through not being able to have children and to say the least, my faith was shaken. A year later my husband and I decided to become licensed foster parents in hopes of adopting a child. Any other option would just have been simply too expensive for us at that time. It was our only hope of ever having a child. A couple of weeks after obtaining our license, I got a call at work asking me if I wanted to take in a 3 week old baby boy that night! I said yes, of course and that's how I became a mother. I later adopted him....my very first foster child. When the social worker brought my son over that night, she gave me all the legal paperwork mumbo-jumbo along with him. As he lay in his car seat sleeping, I read the paperwork. His legal name at that time....Austin Tyler, two names that my husband and I had picked as a few possibilities if we were to have children of our own before we knew I could not have any. His last listed address.....Wright Rd... my last name. I shook when I read the information and I knew at that moment that this was no coincidence. And when my husband left me and I was home with a 3 month old baby, contemplating whether or not I could in fact raise him as a single mother...I knew that he was with me for a reason. I knew I wasn't going to be a perfect mother, I had already made many mistakes and knew I'd make many more. But I trusted that God had chosen me for some reason that I did not yet understand. Ok...the tears are coming now...lol. This was one of the most powerful moments of my life and one I think back to whenever I feel my faith in God being tested. I wish I could say I go to church all the time ...or that I'm an excellent Christian. I'm really neither. I do believe in God, though...and I know we have to trust Him to decide how all of our lives play out. Thanks for letting me share this with you! 
LindaB and MissouriMommy,
I too am an adoptive mother, after finding out following my last miscarriage that I would most likely never be able to have children. I cannot express how much I believe my son is a "gift from God," and I don't mean that in the deragotory way that expression is used on message boards. I mean it in the truest meaning of the phrase. God brought me my child. I loved him from the moment I saw him, and I am not a mushy woman. He was eight when I met him, and my heart lept in my chest the first time I saw him. I can't imagine loving a "natural" child any more, than I love this one. I firmly believe God brings children into our lives in different ways. Some of us were meant to adopt, whether we were initially aware of it or not, whether it was our initial plan or not. When it comes to children, God is infinitely wise.
lillian38965.4469907407MissouriMommy- thanks. It does help to know that I am not in this boat alone..but it sure feels like it. I honestly dont think I will EVER forgive him for 1) leaving me with a difficult child to raise 2) the verbal abuse and emotional neglect he has directed toward my son 3) damaging that kid's self esteem and ego 4) leaving me here to clean up the MESS he left behind 5) not paying any support to me in 3 weeks since he left. I am gonna have to take him to court but I dread it, its gonna cause him to totally back away from me and the kids. And they still need their father. AGH! Today I hate him.
2 nights ago the kids were made that I put parental controls on the TV ( as they are staying up to 2-3 am watching it) and they RAGED at me for 90 minutes saying every mean, rotten, evil thing they could to try to hurt me. It didnt work but, My God! what an awful thing to have to listen to. I am really coming to the conclusion that the son is ODD and now I have to decide if I want to put him on meds and how to convince him to take them. At 16 I cant force him or trick him for long...I know the kids are angry at me and at him but I had to take all their anger the other night...they needed to vent but it was still ugly to listen to...
Today I just about hate everyone 
Dear MissouriMommy- You should look at the Social Security website for info on filing for SSD for him.
I am sorry that you are having to go thru this. It really is a bummer!! Husband has been gone 3 1/2 weeks now and just gave me some money toward the bills. AND he changed my name off his life insurance policy! I have to say that despite my moments of anger and homicidal ideations, the house is a bit quieter. WE three are trying to learn how to interact with each other in a healthier way. Son is TESTING limits and trying to GRAB for power but I am reading a good book about defiant kids and it really looks like it might be helpful.
It is so hard when the family does not understand or accept that you have a special needs kid. Have you tried printing out some info from the internet and giving it to uneducated family members? or as crazy as this may sound, take them with you to some of those meetings and appointments so they can hear for themselves the issues? Just a few suggestions. If they wont go, there's not much else you can do.
Hang in there, and stay in touch.....
BIG HUG!
MissouriMommy-
I was just laying here in the bed and a thought came to me that I wanted to share with you since we are both adoptive mothers. I dont know if you are a believer in God and if not then I will say that God, or Fate, or Destiny or whatever higher being you may believe in (I dont mean to offend, honestly :) placed your son with you...you are the only and the best mother in the entire universe for him. It was planned...willed...predestined if you will....he is for you and you are for him. YOu will do what is right for him and you. Trust in that...trust in your love for him and the power that brought him to you..
sorry if I got a little poetic there but every time I sit and think about my son and all his issues, this thought comes to me. He was placed with me on purpose...I am the best mother for him and I have to trust that.
PS. we had a REALLY good day today. Son worked on his fantasy football team and daughter read her summer reading book and I sorted through piles of papers trying to get organized, ready for school ( and look for a parking ticket that I have not paid yet :) . Son was on punishment for the rest of the weekend for 1) kicking a table last night 2) threatening his sister and 3) telling me to shut up. Well we spent the entire day without TV and then within 45 minutes he cleaned his room, cleaned the bathrooms ( one of his regular chores) , cleaned out the kitchen sink ( his sister's chore) and then asked if he could watch tv. I knew that he was supposed to be on punishment but he did try to do what was expected and I had to reward him so that he can see that working togr is better than being defiant, so they are downstairs now watching Family Guy on tv. It feels good to have a decent day sometimes.
Have a good holiday weekend
Looks like I might be going through this right after LindaB! I caught my father in law (I don't call him my son's grandfather...cause he just hasn't earned that title in my book)...swiping the cereal box right out from in front of my son this morning. My son likes to look at the pictures on the cereal box while he eats cereal. Didn't we all like to do that when we were kids? So he comes in and while my son is looking at the pics and eating he takes it away from him. I just walk by and roll my eyes and shake my head. Then I hear my mother in law...reinacting what I did with the eyeroll when I walked in. "And she walked in and did like this!" Obviously trying to stir up a fight in the family. I told my husband this morning...you either get me the hell outta here or I'm leaving and taking the kids. I just don't know how I'll even survive on my own! I can't seem to hold down a "typical" 9-5 job because of all the meetings with the school, doctor's appointments, and calls from the school due to behavioral probs. (The behavior problems have gotten better but they could reappear at any moment). I've thought about filing for disability for my son, but I have no idea how much that would be or if it would even be worth going through the process.Hello. I am divorced but i have a boyfriend. My boyfriend i think doesn't understand that adhd children are diffrent from other children. I defend my 8 year old son a lot. Because he expects him to be perfect in every way. We fight about this often. If my boyfriend ask Dylan what did you have for lunch? And my son says i don't remember. He says you do know. And he won't leave him alone until he tells him. I get so sick of it. I just say leave him alone. That is just one example. But i understand adhd children more then him. He has never had to deal with this. When i met him his son was 11. But his son wasn't a special needs child. Mine is. But we have been together for 4 years. It is hard but we deal with issues everyday. So good luck to you.I'm sorry that you're having to get the brunt of the children's anger...that probably should be directed at their father. Since he's not around...guess who gets to deal with it all. I may be all wet but I would think a GOOD therapist would help you and the kids. The kids are going to have a lot of built up anger and it may help them understand it a little better before it causes real issues. Hopefully it will make life a little easier on you as well. I KNOW it's not an easy situation. When my 1st husband left when my oldest was 3 months old, my 3 month old had MAJOR health issues. He and I both went through two years of pure hell trying to get his issues straightened out, meanwhile the ex was living the fun, carefree life of a bachelor. Do the best you can. Take care of YOURSELF and for God's sake...ask for help when you need it. That was one of my biggest mistakes ever was I tried to do it all myself. I should have reached out far earlier and let family and friends help me. I realize now that they wanted to feel like they were doing SOMETHING ...ANYTHING to help me and I really needed the break more than I realized. Also, maybe you and the kids should reconnect and take a little fun vacation together. Help yourself and the kids get rid of some stress and let them know that there still will be fun times ahead even with everything bad going on!
Son was diagnosed in 1st grade after we were married. Husband knew about all evaluations and even met with the ADD coach last year twice..but he still doesnt get it...Thinks that because sometimes son can focus and have good days that he is faking or being lazy the rest of the time..."he could do it if he wanted to" Hello all... I'm kind of new here, first time posting but I've been a lurker for awhile.
LindaB, I just have to agree with the others who have said you are better off without a husband who would treat your children so unfairly. I have an 8 yr old son who was diagnosed ADHD in 1st grade (now in 3rd). His father hasn't been around most of his life, but this last year he decided he wanted Gaige to spend some time w/him and play like he was "daddy". He had the nerve to tell me if we were together Gaige wouldn't "disrespect" me the way he feels he does, and that he would be more strict with Gaige if we were together. All I could think was thank God we're not together! Gaige is a great kid, of course he has his moments/days, but for the most part he's really fun to be around, and like someone else who commented in this thread said, the outside world is hard enough, I feel that kids should have a place where they are loved unconditionally and accepted unconditionally (but of course have discipline/limits as well). My son is not disrespectful to me, and I was very insulted when his father said that, since he hasn't been around for most of Gaige's life. Gaige's dad is more of the "children should be seen and not heard" type, that they shouldn't get an opinion in what happens, which of course is totally different from me. Bottom line, I think you're doing great with your children and I think you made an excellent decision in focusing on your children and letting your husband go his own way.
(Sorry about the book went off on a tanget up there... lol)
Dear Linda,
Your situation is tough. Not completely taking yout exes side but it is very difficulty being a stepparent. You know in your heart that they will never be completely your children even in the optimal of situations. He should have tried harder, definitely, to make the situation tolerable.
Linda, I'm sorry also. I'm going through some of the same things you are. My ex-husband to be dumps most of the child-rearing responsibilities on me, and he's a control freak. It's either his way or we can go to court to fight it out. I don't let him intimidate me. We're both lawyers too. I haven't heard my ex disrespect my kids, but he is unstable and will go long periods without seeing or talking to them because "I have to work." Like I don't? He also thinks therapy is a waste of time. I think he may have some emotional issues himself. My son has ADHD and anxiety issues. My ex doesn't fully understand that and is not trying to. For special needs kids, both parents need to be in accord, period.
I could go on, but I'm not. Good luck to you, and I agree it's best to get that negative energy out of your house. Your kids will probably calm down. Definitely tell them it's not their fault, because it's not. Hang in there.
did your husband know that your son had add and ld before you guys got married? if so then he should of been more understanding
lindab,
So sorry you are having such difficulties. I also agree that you are better off without the extra "child" to deal with. My husband has some of these problems but not near as bad. Even so, there are some days that I have to break up the battle of wills that he and my youngest have. Good luck and you know that there will always be support here for you.
Please continue to stand by your kids, and give them continued reassurance that none of what is going on was their fault. I got a little worried when you said that you sent your son away to boardins schools to get a better idea of authority figures, when it sounded really, like your husband should have been the one to go.
Anyway, from what you write, his heart was not with the package deal, or into being a team player for what was best for you and your children. YOu have every right to be venting, and to be frustrated, and I am right with you.
Your lives will likely be just fine if he stays gone. Your children need as much positive energy you can provide for them while they are still under your sheltering graces, and you cannot make hubby someone you need him to be, that he is already clearly not. My heart feels very much for you.
thank you thank you thank you....for your kind words...I too concluded that he is better off away from us...but thank you for your supportive thoughts and hugs. We are ok and will be ok...its just unfortunate to see an intelligent man who is so uninformed and unwilling to learn...I wonder what he is afraid of????? having to face his own failures and weaknesses???
Again thank you
Linda,
Sorry you are having such a hard time. I think that perhaps this is the best thing for now as your children are only children once and don't need the treatment that your husband is dishing out. Kids needs lots of praise and comfort from family members the outside world is hard enough. Stick up for your kids and keep loving them unconditionally.
Also,do you think that it is possible that your husband is suffering from OCD and this could be the cause of some of his nasty moods ? ( you described his cleaning behavior as obsessive) If so perhaps he could see someone and get some help.
Good luck I hope things improve for you
I don't think he's afraid of anything. I bet he just wasn't prepared to put in as much effort into parenting. Afterall, children didn't come with manuals and those with special needs require additional support. He probably expected to come home at dinner time to have the house in top-notch condition; and kids idling by his side listening to his every word. Yep. He's God. Not real life.
He's not realizing the impacts HIS words and actions have on his family. It's all about him. He needs to wake up and smell the coffee.
thank you all for the supportive words of encouragement. I needed to hear that I was not crazy or expecting the impossible. He just has no knowledge about the psychological aspects of human relationships...he deals very superficially...he shows you that he cares by buying you things or giving you money ...he's the "sugar daddy" and is totally unable to deal with the daily grind of raising teenagers with all their angst. My children are the most important people in my life and I made a commitment to them long before I made a commitment to him. I have to protect them and fight for them...they are only kids...I probably should have asked him to leave a long time ago...I see his negative effect manifesting itself in the son...Son stands up for him and defends him whenever I lightly comment on dad's style of parenting...Son feels they deserved however he treated them because they were misbehaving...I am hoping therapy will help son see the light. The therapist knows what we have been going through and is very supportive of my attempts to raise happy, intelligent, independent and self-sufficient children.
I cant help the husband..I dont have time or energy to invest in such a LONG term project. The kids are my priority...and they seem to be ok with how things are and will be. They understand that there is a GOOD chance we will get divorced and seem to be accepting of that. The up side of this all is that it has been relatively peaceful around here. WE are struggling to find our own way of relating and working together as a team and it seems ok.
Again thank you all. I will keep you posted..
Also son is now on the patch for 1 1/2 week and his moods are much more even. He is less defiant and oppositional...could also be bcz the tyrant is gone
Sorry for starting a new topic but I could not find a topic which discussed the problems in a marriage caused in part by having a child with issues. I adopted my son when he was 19 months old ( I got his sister when she was 9 months old). I was single.
Then when they were 5 and 4, I married a guy that I had known awhile and knew to be a good guy. Well, 11 years later we are having major issues, in part due to his obsessive compulsiveness about house cleaning and "respect" from the children. It got to the point where he has been verbally and emotionally abusive to both children but more so the son who is now 16 and has ADD, learning differences in reading and math, dyslexia, dysgraphia, dyscalculia, etc..( name calling, demeaning them, not giving them any respect, deciding that they are failures and will never amount to anything). The husband threatened to leave last December due to conflicts with the son ( sometimes getting nearly physical) and so I sent the son to boarding school to keep the two of them apart and hoping the military boarding school would teach the son to deal with authority figures better.
I have given husband materials to read about parenting, ADD, learning differences, the teenage brain, etc. I dont think he read them or if he did he doesnt know how to implement them. He went to therapy 2x with me but says it doesnt make anything any better. He dismisses any time I try to explain the son's behaviors in light of his issues...he just sees it all as a lack of respect for him.
Well, son came home for the summer and the conflicts all started again. Also son was NOt taking his meds which makes him IMPULSIVE, DEFIANT, OPPOSITIONAL, etc. I tried to keep the peace between them but husband is unreasonable and son is 16 :) . I asked husband to go to therapy with son ( who has been going since last October and again now since he is home) but he refused saying he does not believe in it. I asked him to try for 1 week not saying anything negative to anyone ( if he cant say something positive then say nothing at all ) and he said no.
So husband moved out 2 weeks ago into his own apartment and told the children that he was moving out because of the way they treat him and the lack of respect. Daughter was crying and son was saying that he was the cause of all this and that he should leave so that dad would stay. It was crazy! Its calmer now and we are managing togr the 3 of us...
Im sorry for venting but its been a bad day with him coming here while I was out and taking all the videos and DVDs that the kids watch ( the kids were here) and then he would not pick up his cell phone when I called. AGH!!
I would appreciate any comments but I dont need legal advice..husband and I are both lawyers...Im just looking for understanding...
Has anyone else experienced marriage difficulties as a result of trying to raise "special needs" kids? Its not easy raising teenagers, especially adopted ones but to have an uniformed caveman husband just makes everything harder...its like having 3 teenagers in the house :)
thanks for listening to me vent
Well after reading your post, all I could think of was: GOOD RIDDENS! No offense and I'm sorry if this is hurting you by saying this. Your educated husband is a grown adult who should take the responsibility in managing this problem himself .. whether it's through counselling; books; whatever. He has thrown in the towel a long time ago (from the sounds of it) so it's really difficult to gain that respect when he's not giving it out himself. Kids are smart. The pick up on these vibes. As I've said here already, in order to change a behaviour, we have to change our own behaviours first. He's expecting your son to change over night but is not taking responsibilities for his own actions. I think it's best he stays in his little apartment and allow you the time needed to put things back on track.
My only advise to you is to continue what you've been doing. Reassure your kids that they are not at fault and even adults make mistakes at times. Dad is just having a hard time coping with the challenges that everyone in the family is contributing towards .. in one way or another.
Talk to your son about the importance of taking control of his own self. Medication. Education. Support networks. He needs to take accountability for his actions as well. How was boarding school for him?
Hugs to you and your family. I know this is hard for everyone and it's at stressful times like these when we act irrationally. I don't blame your husband for his behaviours - as we've all done things we've regretted. I commend him at least for moving out when things started to get ugly. You wouldn't want him to continue abusing your children. However, he needs to acknowledge where he's done wrong in this as well.
Thank you so much for you kind words and encouragement. They have moved me more than I could ever put into words to express to you. Pity on me, but I guess i was just needing someone to reassure me that its not "that' bad, and I'm not alone in this. Guess I'll brush myself off * again* .... hold my head up... and keep on trying. Pouting about it is not gonna get me anywhere... hehe Well, It did get me some wonderful advice from some very kind people on this board.... Shew ...Thank you!! I feel soo much better today.Picking yourself up and dusting yourself off will become VERY familiar to ya! lol It's all you can do. Try not to let it get to you (easier said than done, right..lol) Wear a big smile and dusty pants. 
I feel good today! Let's all hold hands and sing...
I can see clearly now the rain is gone........
I can see all obstacles in my wayyyyyyyyy...
Gone are the dark clouds that held me down....
It's gonna be a bright...bright sun shiny day!
okok..I'm busted...Yes... I actually sang the song as I was reading the words!!
MissouriMommy- I feel the urge to ask you if your high???? BUT.... I already know the answer to that question!! Yes you are high..... ON LIFE THAT IS! 
Best to you!!
ptgally- Believe me, sometimes we all feel the way you do. I got to work late today bcz I didnt really want to go. I stayed home yesterday to take son to dr to add another med on...Risperdal for mood stabilization. Its a serious medication for oppositional defiant disorder. Its been HARD admitting that his issues are more than just ADD...I had tears in my eyes, a lump in my throat and a sick feeling in my stomach all day. I too have a career and somehow manage to meet the son's all consuming needs too altho I am making an effort to pay more attention to the daughter so she doesnt feel left out. I just didnt have time or energy for the husband too. The children come first for me. Some days I do wish I could run away to a quiet place but do you know what the first thing I would do would be ????? Call one of them on the phone...for better or worse they are the center of my existance.. and I am ok with that.
hang in there everyone...we can do this together
ptgally-
I know exactly what you mean. Once upon a time I used to have a pretty successful career and an immaculate credit rating..lol. I've lost all of that and more. Do I regret it? NO Are there times that I feel I can't go on...all the time. I've tried to explain to my husband that staying home to be with my kids and handling all of the day-to-day issues concerning my ADHD/ODD son are harder than ANY career or job I have EVER done. Like you said...nobody REALLY gets it in my family. I've stopped expecting them to get it. It's hard with a capital H A R D. No doubt. It's easy to get caught up in all of the meds, doctor's appointments, arguing, yelling, or whatever. Try to slow down, calm down and when you want to know what God's plan is...look into your son's eyes. He's the reason and the plan. Look at yourself too, you're so much stronger than you realize. I really believe that God doesn't give you anything that you can't handle. You CAN handle this. Your mind may tell you...there's no way. Listen to your heart. Deep inside, you KNOW that you can. It's ok to break down. It's ok to cry. It's ok to doubt yourself. I think all of us have. I know I do CONSTANTLY. If you need help or a shoulder to cry on....here we are. And guess what..... WE get it. MissouriMommy gets on her soap box once again! lol
Ya'll should really tell me to step down..lol. I'm sorry to rant but my heart really and sincerely goes out to a lot of you that post on here and I wish just for a sec that I could help ease the pain. Hugs to Everyone!!
ptgally,
Sometimes, children with issues can become all-consuming, and when this happens, depression can follow. My advise is to make time for yourself, doing what you love to do and what brings you personal happiness. If this means that the house goes without cleaning on those days, that the family eats at McDonald's, or that a babysitter comes and takes care of the kids, FINE! Everything can wait until tomorrow. The world is not going to come to an end. You have to take care of yourself, before you can take care of others. If you aren't happy or you are depressed, then it will make parenting much more difficult. If you are happy and content, then a lot of the things that used to worry you and stress you out will no longer seem as important, and you will have the emotional energy to face the big challenges!
Many hugs your way.