need help | ADHD Information
the more important thing is that you and your husband agree on how to deal with him and it is best to not disagree in front of him(child psychologist words,not mine),your child will take advantage of the situation.
i know it is going to be hard but the more you go on to them,the more they will fight you.you could try to read books about ADHD,the more you understand the condition,the more you will be able to tackle it.
what kind of treatement is he having,what kind of help.does he see a neurologue,psychiatrist,is he having therapies,homeopathy or meds?what about a IEP at school.
may sound a bit harsh but i would make sure he gets as many afterschool activities to get him out of your hair.give them hubby or mum in law's phone number in case of problems. these two needs to be more supportive of you,it seems that they can criticise but not help,their attitude towards this little boy and his mother probably made him worse.they are more the problem than him.the question is are you going to be able to change things.
unfortunately having an ADHD child is very straining on a marriage and it needs to be a team effort or it is not going to work.i would try to get your husband to listen to you and get him to support you,if he does'nt maybe you should rethink the situation.are you happy and how is your 2 year old affected?is it worse it?
family counselling would be a good thing for all of you.
I am the stepmom to a headstrong 9 year old. I also have two year old at home. My nine year old tests me at every step.
He is so stubborn and my husband does not discipline except to jump in the middle of situation and always takes his sons side no matter if he was wrong. MY mother in law says I go over things too much with him until he toons me out and tells me that her mom was like that and she grew up to hate her mom. All I have is people telling me what I am doing wrong! I try not to use physical discipline and punishment but it seems to be the only thing to get his attention. I try talking to him but then he never responds or learn from it and we are having the same argument again. I have to get him to phyisically look me in the eye when I am trying to communicate with him or he will say he did not hear me. I need help! My marriage is being affected. Even with a child with ADHD, I don't think it is wrong to expect him to behave.
Geoff does have an IEP. He goes to an afterschool program.He goes to Sylvan, thanks to my grandmother, for more personalized attention to help him learn to read. In the beginning of the summer, I put him in soccer but it just was not his thing at all. He barely tried. To his credit, he did finish the season.
My two year old is okay with everything because he is too young to understand. The love between him and Geoff is so amazing sometimes. Then there are the other times (normal I know) that Connor drives him absolutely crazy. It's the be expected because of their age difference.
I am on the fence about homeopathic remedies. His aunt, whom he had previously lived with, had him on alot of vitamins-fish oil and vitamin b and I can't remember them all. He got so sick of taking all those pills that he secretly started spitting them out the window. He also spit out his ADHD pill so his behaivor was off. I hesitate to start that again- I am not sure what else there is out there. And like I said, his doctor is not any help.
Geoff see a psychologist but he does not help much in my opinion. I am kind of stuck in the situation because we do no have health insurance for him. The dr he see is because he received state help from before so it's free. I want to try other meds because sometimes I think that his meds might need to be changed but without insurance, its' hard. He currently takes strattera and I get samples from my job all the time.
I was really mad when I wrote the first message so I can calmly explain myself now. I feel like it is not too much to expect for him to listen- despite the adhd. Everyone else in my family thinks I am too strict with him but he needs to learn how to act now before he goes out in the real world and can't function properly.
I fear for his future. He is behind in school. He gets anymore behind and he will be 20 years old before he graduates high school and by that age what's to keep him from dropping out because he feels out of place. I don't have grand educational dreams for him because that is not realistic but I do expect him to graduate high school. He is more street and people smart then book/school smart so he has talents.
I know my husband need to back me up. I think he feels guilty about Geoff's past that he feels he has to be more lenient now. Which is not a total bad thing BUT we can not change what happened in the past. So why should we baby him because he had difficult times in the beginning. I expect him to behaive like not interupting and listening. I don't expect perfection but at 9 years with or without a bad start, I don't feel that it is too much to ask for.
I really appreciate your feedback. It makes me feel human again-like I am not the only person feeling this way or experiencing these issues.
If your husband disagrees with your punishments, then refer all behavior issues to him. If the school calls, then give them his number and let him deal with it. If there's past behavior issues, then those need to be talked about and some way to deal with them developed. Being lenient because the kid's had a hard life so far won't help the kid any.
When it comes to meds, we've just started using the patch. Called Daytrana, it's a ritalin formula that is released through the skin. If ds hates taking pills, he might not mind this. My insurance covers it and I'm in NC. I'll post a link to the thread on the medications board.
http://www.adhdnews.com/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=20458& PN=1here's the link, check it out!
If you write a list of behaviors you want to decrease, and put consequences to them, you'll find your answer to what to ignore or walk away from. I always ask myself Was that impulsive or not??? Alot of the time it was impulsive and he didn't deliberately do it or even mean it- I never ignored swearing or hitting, but argueing definitely, as well as grumbling and complaining. Mild temper tantrums I ignored as well, as long as he eventually did what he was told. Giving choices helps too -like do you want to do your homework before or after dinner? With lying, I avoided trapping him because they are avoiding getting into trouble most of the time. If I knew he wasn't telling the truth I would simply tell him to try again, or would ask him to fix the problem. Its a real juggling act, but try to focus on improving the worst of the behavior and let the minor stuff go. He will always be in trouble if you don't. Don't expect what he's not capable of controlling all the time. Keep your expectations minimal and remember he's at least 2 years younger than his actual age in many respects. He will mature and all of a sudden things will slowly and surely improve. My son is 16 and getting better every day. I don't think they ever outgrow ADHD, but they do learn to cope with it. I tried to keep home as positive as possible for him because I knew no one was giving him a break at school-kids especially.Thank You so much for all of the helpful suggestions. I was just thrown into being a parent to this sometimes difficult but very lovable child and did not know what to do all the time. I always tell my husband that he needs to do more but that may never happen. I don;t feel like inviting the argument just to consult him when it is easier to deal with it without him (which I do 98% of the time).
Newstepmom,
Regarding your question of what things do I let go and consider the "small stuff"?
Get a copy of the book "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene PHD. He uses a technique called the Basket A, Basket B, Basket C approach. Basket A issues are those that are totally NON-negotiable (safety). Basket B are negotiable, Basket C are issues you just LET GO! You'd be suprised just how many issues we have with our kids fall into Basket C! Use these guidelines to help bring back some peace in your home. Dr. Greene uses a lot of examples in the book...however every family's baskets are different depending on their own circumstances.
Okiemom
My son's doctor told me that setting up a set schedule helps. What is your experience with this?
I don't think it's a lot to expect a child with ADHD to listen. You just have to teach him the proper tools to be able to do that. Also, he has an advantage as there's a weak link between you and your husband. He knows he'll eventually get away with things because Dad will defend him.
You can also buy fish oils and vitamins in liquid form. Try using them in his meals. He might not even notice and some come unscented. My son will not take ANY form of pill. Luckily, I've never had to resort to medication.
Read up and get as much information as possible. There are many parents here whom have tried successful techniques when dealing with various behaviours. You just can't expect to change a behaviour without replacing it with something different. Also, I'd try and steer clear of negative consequences (taking away ie: toy). Try positive consequences (giving ie: a chore around the house).
What do you mean about positive consequences? I am a little confused. Do I offer to take away a chore or do I offer a chore instead of taking something away?
Your family may be heading for a divorce if your hubbie doesn't get with the program. He is undermining you by not backing you up, and your son knows it. Sit down with your husband and write down a list of the behaviors you want to decrease, then write down the consequences for the behavior. No talking to son just setting the consequence eg: No hitting- you have 10 minutes in your room. the less talking the better, and unfortunately our Adhd kids learn better by consequence than rewards. With these kids you have to learn to ignore the small stuff or you'll go nuts. Work on having some positive time with the child which helps to have the child want to please you.
I appreciate your responses. So I have more questions. You wrote that you have to learn to ignore the small stuff or you'll go nuts. I agree but how far does that go? I insist on his attention, not lying and not giving me or any other family members attitude. Am I asking for too much? I tend to be a control freak..With my other son, (he is two) I tend to let more things go unless he is hurting someone else or himself. Do kids with ADHD ever grow out of the non stop movement, lack of focus and the other stuff? How do I keep things positive?