Disciple for ADHD child and lying, spank? | ADHD Information

On the subject of spanking - when my son was really little, and did something that deserved spanking, he'd get a couple of smacks on the tush. By the time he was maybe 4, he was given a choice of an 'easy' spanking or a 'hard' spanking. A hard spanking is a regular spanking. An easy spanking is still laid across the knee, but one finger is applied several times to the butt.

It lets the child know he is being disciplined without it being a real physical thing. It worked for us, but then he's a pretty sensitive kid. Might not work for everyone.

 

My eight year old has been lying a lot over the past year also.  When I brought the subject up with his developmental therapist she said the best thing to do is is look him straight in the eye and ask "Is that true or did you make that up?"

If he insists that it's true and you know it's not then tell him "I know that's not true because. . ."  If he continues to argue then just say calmly, "you are lying and that's wrong" and state the consequence.  She said to do it right in front of whomever is standing and not to worry about embarrassing them.  I've found that it's really cut down on the lying to call him on it every time. 

We've been doing the Marble System, so his consequence is losing x amount of marbles, usually 4, but if his lie got someone else in trouble then it's more.

As for spanking, it's definetly a personal decision, but I haven't found it effective with my son.  My brother is severely ADD (undiagnosed but obvious to anyone who's known him for 20 minutes) and that was my parents sole disciplinary tactic growing up.  It never worked.  He used to laugh in my dad's face even in the face of a leather belt.  Beats me why they never tried anything else.  But then again they never figured out that he wasn't being bad willfully.   

Good luck

My 6 year old daughter also has a problem with this.  I found out rather quickly that there is nothing I can do physically (spanking, taking things away, time-outs etc...) that work with her.  The marble system seems to be helping a little.  School starts in a week...we'll see how it goes after that.  Good luck to you!!!Lying occurs a lot with kids I would get your son screened for ADHD first of all in case of anything else going on.  My daughter is easygoing but strong willed and was diagnosed with moderate to severe ADHD mixed with inattentiveness and has ODD ( oppositional defiancy disorder).  Have you tried a behavior modification plan with your son?  There are a couple on this board Ogram came up with what is called the marble system you can see all posts done by her and find it or check out my post on research study for I have listed webites for doing an in home  and school behavior chart and you can put lying is one of the behaviros to change.  If you need help PM me and I can give you the websites and help you find ograms marble system so you can see which fits you best.  JillI forgot welcome to the board.We had to explain why lyeing is bad with our son. You'll be hitting this child all the time. It's not an effective or good first deterrent. It won't make him stop lying either. And if the school finds out you spank a lot, you could be turned into CPS, even if it's just a regular spanking. Social workers are very anti-spanking. I would recommend another method that does not include physical force.

  Lying is an issue in my family as well. And it's a pet peeve of mine. Can't stand dealing with liars.

 

  I've tried various things over the years to promote honesty (it's been a huge battle).

 

  If one of the kids tells me something I believe to be a lie, I say "It's really important (making eye contact the whole time) to be honest. Honest people can feel good about themselves, whereas liars, don't feel good about themselves. And it's important to feel good about ourselves. I really want you to grow up feeling good about yourself. So I'll ask the question again. "

 

  Then I re-ask the original question. Sometimes that's enough to get the truth out of them. Sometimes it's not. sigh

 

  I've also tried lying to them, repeatedly, to see how they like it. Childish, I know, but effective nonetheless.

Example:
"I'm going to buy you alot of toys today." When they say "You ARE?!" I say "Oh no. I'm not. " Then I ask them how it felt to be lied to. They don't like it, so I point out how I don't like it either. And I say "Isn't it important to be able to believe whatever I say ? Or do you like having to wonder what's true and what's a lie ?'

 

  That seems to hit home with them as well.

 

 

Mere38961.5050231482
I have tried all the reinforcement ideas and token plans.  They would work but only for a short period of time (even though we continued the plans faithfully).  The Psychologist who we go to says that ADHD kids can with supreme effort follow the plans but find it very stressful to follow on a long term time frame.  If he still has trouble this year in school we will try meds with him, we have an appointment in three weeks to decide yes or no with the Psychologist we are seeing.

The lying worries me because lying is something that shapes the sort of adult one becomes. 

I am hoping that with meds to treat the other things the lying and other things will be more easy to conquer.  If he has to put less energy into the mundane then we can work harder with the other stuff.  
My daughter is 8 and she lies A LOT and it's 99% out of convenience for her.  I have spanked, grounded, taken away things, you name it and nothing works.  Please explain the marble system.  I am willing to try anything. 

[QUOTE=itzme]
I have tried all the reinforcement ideas and token plans.  They would work but only for a short period of time (even though we continued the plans faithfully).  The Psychologist who we go to says that ADHD kids can with supreme effort follow the plans but find it very stressful to follow on a long term time frame.  If he still has trouble this year in school we will try meds with him, we have an appointment in three weeks to decide yes or no with the Psychologist we are seeing.

The lying worries me because lying is something that shapes the sort of adult one becomes. 

I am hoping that with meds to treat the other things the lying and other things will be more easy to conquer.  If he has to put less energy into the mundane then we can work harder with the other stuff.  
[/QUOTE]

 

*On a positive note you are helping your child at an early age so his chances of becoming a lying adult lessons and will have better results than a child with no help what so ever.  It shows good parenting.

I would first and foremost get a formal evaluation to ascertain the reason your child exhibits these behaviors. Any child who is constantly doing things they know will get them into trouble will lie to avoid consequences. Children with ADHD act on impulse. They do not chose the behavior and any child, ADHD or not does not respond well to negative reinforcement or physical punishment. The goal is to get the child to stop the behavior because they respect you, not fear you. For the chld who is truly ADHD, behavior modification standing alone doesnt fully manage the symptoms of ADHD. Other interventions are required to fully manage the symptoms and a behavior modificiation plan is only as good as the person implementing it. I highly recommend that you get a definitive diagnosis and then together with your child's doctor you could implement a treatment plan suited to his needs. Good luck and welcome!

[QUOTE=pammar]You'll be hitting this child all the time. It's not an effective or good first deterrent. It won't make him stop lying either. And if the school finds out you spank a lot, you could be turned into CPS, even if it's just a regular spanking. Social workers are very anti-spanking. I would recommend another method that does not include physical force. [/QUOTE]

I agree with what pammer said. Not only that, but spanking is just teaching a child to hit when people don't listen to him or make him mad. He could very easily become a bully if spanking is a regular form of punishment used on him.

Oh boy.  Welcome!

 I have been down that road, and hated to spank DS because he lied and FORGOT his whatever becuase of his ADHD.  It's a coping stragegy.  Your son has taken a bit farther huh!  What I found that worked for us, after going the route you are on, is to find out what DOES motivate them.  What is his passion?  Does he have the video or computer games, skateboard time, bike time, whatever.  Use this to your advantage, and make it clear that his time spent with his passions will be comprimised if he disobeys, and increased if he obeys.  It takes a while, but it has worked for us for the most part.  You are on the right track being very calm and patient with his discipline, and that is a great thing.  Try using that positive reinforcement whenever you can to his advantage, and put the choice in his hands as to what kind of time he will have with his favourite activities. 

I'm not sure spanking is a great idea at that age, and is not a really good positive reinforcement for change for the better, really.   

I do not know how old Itzme's son is.  That can change the lying strategy.  What if you reward for not lying?  Say he wants to go to the school football game on Friday.  You say, you have been lying to me and I don't feel comfortable letting such an immature boy go the game unless I go too.  If you can be totally honest for the next three days I will consider letting you go.
Another thing is that if a child tells the truth how horrible is it going to be?  Does he fear the consequences for lying more than the act he is lying about? 
If you discuss with him the "amends" he will need to make as you talk about the lying. For example he ditched soccer practice after school and went with friends for a soda.  You say "Where were you? Your coach said you were not a practice."  You must not try to trick him, tell him what you know.  Then ask him what he will do to make it up to his team.  He could volunteer to go early and set up cones next practice or spend his allowance to buy a case of water for the team. He owes them because they were responsible and he was not!!  Even if he has a good excuse he needs to make it up to his coach with at least a phone call. 
Usually when my boys have lied to me it was about homework or why they were late.  Even so, they still have to do the homework or apologize for being late. 
One son lied about being the star of a baseball game when it was not true.  I did call him on that right in front of a teacher.  I said something like "I know you wish that was true now tell us what really happened."
Do not ask for lies... if you checked him out and found out he was not where he said he was going, tell him right up front that you checked and you know he was not there.  Then go from there.  The consequence for lying needs to be making up for the inconvenience of what he lied about.

If you think this is a coping strategy for forgetting and generally being unfocused. then that is a whole different thing.  My son, the gifted one who I think is also ADHD will work for hours on his homework and then forget to take it to school.  Does any one on this line think he would not remember if he could?  If I punish him, he will begin to lie about it.  Punishment and reward does not work with ADHD kids.  Punishment will only make them learn to lie.  I take him his homework and he has to pay me back for the trouble.  He watches his brothers or sweeps the porch.  That way he knows he can call me, I won't be seriously angry, and I will help him for a price he can pay.  No lying needed. Well said Miss Rose! Lying-

I was raised in an environment of white lies and have a mom who still thinks it is okay to make up excuses etc. In high school I made a vow to myself to always tell the truth and in sticky situations to find a way of wording things so that you can still tell the truth. 

Dh and I value honesty and integrity greater than dealing out punishments.  Honesty and doing the right thing afterward is important.  So early when the kids were in preschool I needed to tell them clearly that they would not get in trouble and that the truth was more important.  That would free them up to tell the truth, we would discuss it and then figure out what to do to make the situation better.  Sometimes I might ask them what the consequences should be for an action and sometimes they would come up with a punishment for themself (taking away a privelege).  

my son does it too and he knows that I don't like lieing and I call him on it Spanking never worked for me the corner I do I do yell and the only reason why I feel like I'm yelling is because I am soft spoken so talk to the teacher my son said he got into a fight at school mind you he's 6 I called his teacher and I asked her about it and she said no and she wanted to talk to him he told her that he was telling a story and she told him like I told him that lieing is not good because it can get people in trouble I don't see any reason to lie it's going to bit you in the end I believe

 

You may also remind your son how important it is that you can trust him to be honest with you. Then, more responsibilities can come his way.  LIke more time away from you with friends, etc.  Situations when you need to know that he is trustworty.  Remind him that the more he lies and breaks your trust, the fewer mature activities he will be able to partake in. Driving, for an older child, and dating, for instance, that are responsibilities that need trustworthiness.  You need to know where they are! 

Also, I agree with the others and didnt' mention it before, how imortant it is to have a safe place to tell the truth, no matter how they screwed up, because you want them to be able to continue to come to you for help when they get themselves into goofups, as all teens do.  I thnk that negative punishments will only put a wedge between parents and kids if the attempt is to break a habit.  You might have a very serious but loving chat with your son and explain these things, and come up with consequences together if it should happen again. It will.  Then, again, the choices are all his and puts it all on him.  But, then, do let him know that you will be there to help him make it right again with the person's he offended, or whatever.  He must make it right, and fess up. Humble pie is a good cure for lying, either verbally or with a note.  Either should include the admission of what he did, that he is truly sorry, and give them some kind of assurance that he will do his best it won't happen again.  The more you put him into the driver's seat so to speak, the better. 

Hi all I could use some advice. I have a nine year old son who is a probable ADHD (99% probable). If he has it, it is of the mild sort, with none of the hyperactivity impulses. He does have problems with impulse control, following directions, directed thinking, concentration problems ect. Thankfully he is also smart and social and (mostly) kind. We will probably start meds soon, I have not decided.

What he does have is problems with lying. He lies quite often. They are lies to make his life more convinient, get out of trouble, get out of doing things. In short, lies that (I think) don't have much to do with ADHD. Lying has been a problem at school at well. If I could estimate it I would say the he will lie whenever convinient or in his mind needed, maybe once or twice a day. This problem with lying has been ongoing for at least three years.

We have of course been consistant with talking about the need to tell the truth, punishing with time outs, restrictions ect...but they are of limited use. They do not make a dent on the behavior. He is also very strong willed so I have a feeling that he is choosing to lie because that is what he wants to do to get what he wants, or to get out of trouble. That the pain of whatever the restriction is less than lying.

I do understand, and I would not punish for the typical ADHD behavior, but lying concerns me because it is something that shapes that sort of person one becomes. I work with the other things with patience and understanding, and mostly our strategy works.

What I do want some opinions on is this;

I told my son that every time he lies he will get a spanking (not a beating ect, very appropiate I think 5 spanks). I told him that if he lies at home or at school the consequence would be the same, and I would not let him think of an excuse that shruggs off the lying. So the last two days when he did lie (twice) I did it both times, no yelling or scolding just he got a spanking then we taked about why lying was wrong ect. He never cried with the grounding (that punishment did not make a dent on his behavior) but he did with this. Seemed to make an impression on him. I am thinking that the grounding restriction ect made the less of an impression because they are too long term whereas spanking is immediate.

Do you think this is appropriate punishment for a child with ADHD? I don't like spanking, use it as a last resort only. I have two other children without ADHD and I hardly if ever spank them. I do not want to spank him everyday (and would stop in that case) hopefully it is something that I will have to do less and less.

Thanks all, please don't flame me-I really do not abuse my children in any way shape or form. I should add that ever since he was three and I knew he was different I tried the different behavior stratagies for ADHD and I never scream or yell and don't have much of a temper at all.