For all former Yellers | ADHD Information

I wish I didn't yell. I really do, but there are times...

What you need to know is that it isn't good for kids. A professor of mine who had five children told me years ago that she found if she lowered her voice quite a bit, and talked slower, that this was much more effective with her children, than yelling was. I have found this to be absolutely true. Still, there are times, when I have to go out on the porch and say, "Don't come out here!" then close the door and wait till I cool off. I find it takes a couple of minutes, but I calm down and can rationally discuss the issue or figure out how I'm going to handle it without being angry.

It's interesting, but if you become conscious of the yelling, you can figure out what leads up to it. There's a particular behavior and your interpretation of that behavior that causes you to yell. Usually, it's related to not feeling as if you are being heard, thus if you yell, the person will hear you and pay attention to what you are saying. If you analyze it, you may come up with one or two particular things that really set you off, and you can try and figure out how you are going to deal with those issues when they arise, instead of yelling about them.

Still, I sometimes yell. I wrote about this on the board a couple of weeks ago. I lost it with my son because he was insisting he could ride his bike to school, while holding his binder in one hand and his lunch in the other. He didn't want to wear his backpack, for some odd reason. He insisted he didn't need hands to ride his bike, and he went on and on and on. He was being so STUPID that I just lost it, and I felt awful afterwards. HOWEVER, he did put on the backpack. None of the rational things I did worked, but yelling that morning did.

Stacey, I wish I could help. I, like you, have quit spanking because it did no good. I really NEED to quit yelling because it does no good either. In fact, it seems to add fuel to the fire where my son is concerned. I've had someone tell me that it's an adrenalin rush for our children...just to stay revved up!! I'd hate it if I was only fueling is disobedience! devotedtoyou38961.4598842593How did you stop? I grew up in a family of yellers. It's in my blood! I use to spank way more than I do now but came to the realization that it was doing nothing to better Becky's behavior. I do occasionally spank (the offense has to be quite serious). But I have always been a yeller!!!! I have a bad temper. How do I curb this? How do I stay in control when she misbehaviors? Any tips or suggestions?

[QUOTE=MissouriMommy](Standing Up)

Hi..

My name is MissouriMommy and I'm a yeller.[/QUOTE]

That was good. LOL I'm a yeller too. My parents were yellers; my sisters were yellers; and aparently my grandmother too .. it goes on and on. It's a hard habit to break. This is something I'M working on as well. Luckily, I've had the opportunity of sponsoring some international students in my home for the summer. Well guess what? I'm not aloud to yell .. in front of them?? I'd never get another student! LOL So it's been a blessing in disguise. I've had to resort to other options. It's been tough, let me tell ya but I'm getting better. I yelled one word tonight in a long time .. made him cry .. I feel bad now but know, I CAN DO IT! (the not yelling part)

The whispering or the low-tone works REALLY well. I'd recommend it. They have to be able to stop what they're doing in order to hear you and it doesn't set fire to the feul because you're calm. If you feel like exploding, go to your room .. or balcony or some designated room for you to calm your nerves. I've found that's worked for us as well. I've recently moved so I now have my own room (I wish there was a dancing icon lol) Also, don't sweat the little stuff. Disengage, disengage, disengage .. as someone here has said. It's the best advice!

I yell too, but I am trying hard to stop. When I feels the yell coming, it feels like my head will explode! LOL But I try and think, take a long deep breath in (with the good), blow out (with the bad) at least 10 times, it works. Or I tell my child to leave me alone for a little while, I need a break to cool down. But man......sometimes during hoework, I ask nicely to sit still, I remain calm, he argues, he wriggles, after a little while of being nice, I just EXPLODE! And ya know what, he calms down, pays attention and does his work. It's hard not to yell when you know it gets results. I have found that yelling makes my already hyper kids more hyper. I will admit that in the car it can get their attention. But at home I try to head it off before it gets to the yelling. I go with the choice thing and when they are getting really loud I say your choice is take this outside or sit quietly and watch TV. I count to 5 I am ADHD too... and if I do not see progress I grab one of them and send the other to a quiet spot. I had to really work on the quiet spot until they would go and stay. The first time I let them decide when they are calm enough to come back out and then if it is still too rowdy I decide the next time when they can come out. The other one gets a time in with deep breathing and hugs. I have learned to stop the escalation before I yell (mostly). Yelling just led to worse melt downs for my daughter and I. I started telling my daughter that I was getting angry and would continue with her when I calmed down. This was usually with homework, and after a few times, she started immediatly cooperating so that I would stay and help her. The bonus was when she started modeling the behavior and when she was angry she would get herself calm much faster (for which we gaver her may praises). This coupled with Ogram's marble program has calmed our house dramatically, and improved my relationship with my daughter. Keep in mind that when your relationship with your child deteriorates, they no longer do anything to please you. We will see how the stress of homework goes this coming schoolyear.

vickie38961.6475347222I recently took a parenting course called Love & Logic. The instructor explained things this way. When we are emotional or angry we are using the front part of our brains. When we are calm and thinking we use the back part of our brains. Therefore, we when are yelling at our kids both of us are using the front part of our brains and we just fuel off of each other. If we can get our kids to stop using the front part of their brains and start thinking thus using the back part of their brains it difuses the situation. Therefore, instead of yelling she suggested that we offer choices that we can live with. This makes the child stop and think about what choice they would like and gets them using the back part of their brain and not fueling your angry emotions. It doesn't work all the time for us, but when I can get him thinking about his choices(which isn't easy) it seems to work.I end up yelling too for the stress just gets to you. I will be in parenting classes starting next week through the university where my child is in a study and if I learn anything I will post.

I could use some help with this too!!! I know it doesn't help when I yell and it ends up turning little things into screaming matches between both of my girls and I or the two of them. When I try to go out on the porch to cool off, they generally follow me!!! I don't have a bedroom door either, they broke it off the hinges!!! I occasionally lock myself in the bathroom for 5 minutes, sometimes that works. LOL The worst is when I get so mad I start to cry, then I'm even more mad cuz you made me cry!!! That usually stops things with my kids, they don't know what to do when they see me cry. LOL

Don't know how much help I am but if I find anything new that works, I'll let you know.

(Standing Up)

Hi..

My name is MissouriMommy and I'm a yeller.

I wish I could break the habit. I know it doesn't do any good. I think it just frustrates me when I have to say the same things to my kids 15,000 times. We're looking to move into a duplex or apartment soon and I'm seriously concerned about not only the noise from my kids...but also my yelling. I've even thought about calling the nanny from tv..lol. Come help me nanny!

Just pretend like there are cameras in your home, and Dr Phil or Nanny 911 are going to put you on the air! Works like a charm .

NoTellin38961.5658449074

No Tellin,

I was thinking the same thing. I would be so embarassed if anyone heard me yell at my child. I usually only yell on the third or fourth request to do something or if my ds is doing something dangerous or destructive. I am going to try to remember the slow and low voice that lillian described.

Wow, this has been very educational. Now I have to try to put some of these tactics to work. I,too,am a yeller.

Esmom38987.2848032407Finding 1-2-3 Magic saved me from yelling constantly. I still raise my voice occasionally but this was the answer for me. I could actually stay calmer, and the time outs were actually more for me than him. What is 1-2-3 Magic??

Beckysmom~

I was just reading back through each of the posts on this thread and don't htink there's one us who has actually mastered the "former yeller" title. Hopefully you're at least getting some good advice that will help.

I do have to agree with missourimommy's statement tho...

<<standing up>>

My name is Modeejae and I'm a yeller.

This just cracked me up!!!

[QUOTE=modeejae]

[QUOTE=MissouriMommy]What is 1-2-3 Magic??[/QUOTE]

Basically, you count to 3 then if the behavior doesn't stop, you send them to time out (I was told to send her to her room) for 5 minutes. After 5 minutes, you start over. No discussion, just like it was a brand new day. That worked for my oldest sometimes except that there were times that we had to discuss why she had to "take 5" after it was over. That being said, I have not found this method to work at all with my ADHD/ODD 6 year old. It takes an hour to get her to "take 5"!!! Ogram's marble system seems to be helping some. School starts tomorrow so we'll see how much of it carries over.

[/QUOTE]

I was told once that instead of 5 minutes, lower it to 2 minutes for an ADHD child. The marble system sounds good. I may use play money instead b/c of my 2 1/2 year old.

[QUOTE=MissouriMommy]What is 1-2-3 Magic??[/QUOTE]

Im exactly the same i cant help by shouting all the time i have a bad temper which i loose vry quick im not violent with it but very very arguementive with my 9 yr old as he and i bth have 2 have the last word which is vry difficult...ive tryed the counting to 5 but it nvr wrks i just shout before im at 3 lol then i feel bad as obviously my son cant always help all his behavior exspecailly in the morning before his had his medication,,any suggestions would be great as i need 2 change with the yelling and try 2 be calmer ..... Confused

Well I am gald to hear I am not alone. I grew up in a house of yellers and
always said I wouldn't be one. I wasn't for a long time 1st 2 kids I was great
then Kohl started really showing signs of ADHD, add child #3 and #4 and I
hate to admit it yell way more than I would like.

I agree it does no good what so ever in my house at least, and I am sure it
makes matters worse, the one thing I do not need; but alas I found myself
just this morning out of frustration yelling. So I need to do much better
myself.

I have not yelled in a week since I started the marble system! YEAH

me too. always been a yeller and come from a large family of yellers. And it does no good. it just adds more chaos to chaos. And every time i have control of this, and im doing good for a while, i will gradually go back tomy old habits of yelling again. it somehow always creeps back in.

I have found that when i keep my cool, and do more pausing....and thinking before responding, the outcome is much much better. I see better results. but again....i somehow keep going back to old habits. I guess it hard to "always" be in control. especially when dealing day in and out with unreasonable children. take care deanna

[QUOTE=DillonsMom] But man......sometimes during hoework, I ask nicely to sit still, I remain calm, he argues, he wriggles, after a little while of being nice, I just EXPLODE! And ya know what, he calms down, pays attention and does his work. It's hard not to yell when you know it gets results. [/QUOTE]

Probably the best advise I ever got on this board for my sister and her daughter (homeschooled/ADHD) is to not make your kids sit at a table on a rigid chair and expect them to hold still or remain seated. Instead, go sprawl on the bed for homework or if he/she wants to stand at the kitchen counter....let him/her. Or sit on the couch. My sister said doing school work is 75% improved since they avoid desk/rigid chair ...kitchen table/chair situations.

I think yelling is just human nature. It's an action that we think is going to make us feel better & it ulimately ends up doing quite the opposite. It's easier said than done, but we need to step back & think before we react. Listen to me giving advice...LOL, Hi, my name is Gloria & I too am a yeller..... GLORIA776938969.2835300926I used to yell quite a bit, but found out it really doesn't work. Now I only yell if ds is yelling and screaming and I have to be heard over him. When I want to get his attention I lower my voice and put a growl into it. He knows what that means and usually pays attention. Dh is still a yeller because it seems he hasn't figured out yet that it doesn't work. Oh well, he's smart about some things, dense about others!

Hi, I'm Seths mom, former SCREAMER! Never did anything but make me feeel bad and kids act out more, I went to a therapist and was put on a mild antianxiety med Lexapro. Works wonders! I just speak loudly on occassion now when my aspie won't hear me!