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If you forbid your daughter to not see this guy all she is gonna do is rebel worse than what she is doing.  Give this guy a chance like jaderock54 says invite him over do things with him.  Never take someone else's word on a person until you really get to know him.  

I've never read the Dobson books, but my mother was an avid fan of his and I know that was a book she kept in the house at all times for reference.  That being said, my teen years were horrible, in part because it was her way or no way whenever there was conflict and in part because she would not get me the help I needed for my ADHD and depression.  She would tell me that I would be fine if I just "gave it all to the Lord". 

I know that I can safely assume that the people on this board don't think that way, but I think it gives some insite into the way many fundamentalist raise their children.  (Don't want to start a religious debate here, just my experience)

Also, as far as the boy goes, this was my father's trick and it worked every time (he has 2 daughters and 3 stepdaughters- and I have to add, one with ADHD, another with bi- polar).  The "Bad Boy" should be your new best friend- invite him over, talk to him, tell everyone how great he is, invite him to go somewhere or do something, and never ever let her know that you don't like him.  She'll get tired of him much more quickly than if you just forbid her to see him.  It worked everytime.

 

[QUOTE=jaderock54]

The "Bad Boy" should be your new best friend- invite him over, talk to him, tell everyone how great he is, invite him to go somewhere or do something, and never ever let her know that you don't like him.  She'll get tired of him much more quickly than if you just forbid her to see him.  It worked everytime.

 [/QUOTE]

When I was a teenager, If I knew my parents didn't like one of my friends/aquaintences, all the more reason for me to hang out with them. ANd if they did something bad {drink,smoke, etc.} Oh hell yeah I was gonna do it, especially if it was gonna pi$$ offf my parents.
I am not suggesting ignore Jake & hope he goes away. But I would try to reinforce in your daughter that you are there for her to talk to & confide in. And yes, maybe even invite Jake over your home. If he & your daughter & some friends hang out at your house, at least you know whatthey are doing. At his home you can not monitor thier behavior.
Good Luck!

I've never dealt with a teen, but I'd think that you want to be sure the punishment fits the crime so you don't spiral into resentment and cut communication. Grounded for 3 weeks seems intense since teens think their social life is so important.

[QUOTE=pammar] I'm personally not a Dobson fan. he's coming from a fundamentalist Christian perspective and is a big fan of hitting and tends to think he's a spokesperson for God (my own opinion--I'm Christian, but not a fundamentalist).   [/QUOTE]

I don't agree with the "hitting" aspect that is in his books but like everything else in life, there are some things that I found helpful and other's that I disregard.  I use what works for my situation. 

I'm personally not a Dobson fan. he's coming from a fundamentalist Christian perspective and is a big fan of hitting and tends to think he's a spokesperson for God (my own opinion--I'm Christian, but not a fundamentalist). If that's your religion, you may like him. If not, and even if you do, it sounds like your daughter is testing her limits big time, and, unfortunately (think to your teen years) it's not that unusual to go off-the-wall for a boy you think is hot in that age bracket. My daughter, who is now 22 (thank God) had horrible teen years. Make sure your daughter isn't abusing recreational drugs. Also make sure she isn't abusing her ADHD drugs (my daughter was abusing ADHD drugs). Also, I used to throw out any cigarettes I found on my daughter. I also told her that since she violated my trust I could check her room, and I did. It was amazing what I found there. She did not try to cover her tracks, and hub and I found a letter to some boy she'd met on the internet planning to run away together. Thankfully, she also had a phone number on the letter and we contacted his parents and it never happened. I wish I could help more. If she's willing to do counseling, it could help. My daughter wouldn't talk to counselors, or she'd roll her eyes, space out, hum, refuse to listen and do what she wanted anyways. The good news is she got tired of herself and straightened out her act on her own. Now she doesn't even smoke cigarettes. As an aside: I'd try to get rid of Jake, but don't bet on your daughter not finding sneaky ways to see him anyways. Also, once she gets in with his crowd, other kids will see her as one of them. I hope it works out.  pammar38965.388599537I think you're right to want to get Jake out of the picture, although I don't know how possible that will be.  A 15yo hanging around with a smoker/drinker doesn't sound good to me.  I'd also be worried about whether they're having sex.

While you can't nail her feet to the floor, it's your house and your rules.  How are her grades?  Jake sounds like bad news, but I don't have any advice on how to get around him.  You have my
The author is James Dobson.  There is another one called "The New Strong Willed Child" too.  They are both very good.  "The New" is just a little more updated with current things like some ADD/ADHD issues that weren't discussed much in the first one.  My mom gave me the first book when my oldest (12) was little.  When my youngest (6) started to show the major signs of defiance (almost from birth actually ) my sister-in-law gave me a copy of the new one.  I found them both to be helpful to some extent.  It gives a strong faith based look at raising children.  i have a 15 yr old daughter. She has ADHD and refuses meds. She recently asked me if she could go out with this boy well call him *jake. I cought the two of them outside kissing. it wasent kissing on the lips but frenching. I explained to her that that is not allowed. School started back up this week and i found out some information about jake through one of the mothers i know. I heard jake is not a nice boy. He drinks and smokes. His house is the party house. I told my daughter that she could not go out with jake because i dont trust him. She exploded on me. All she said was WHY WHY WHY!!!! YOU DONT EVEN KNOW HIM. I told her i dont trust him (again). She threw her bag on the counter and went up to her room. slammed the door. I looked in her bag and i found a lighter and some cigarets. I went up to her room and told her open the door and i asked her who did you get this from. She just looked at me and said im not telling you. I said let me guess jake. She said f*** you. now you blame him for everything. I know about him he smokes and drinks hun you cant go out with him not in my house! At this point tears were comming down from her eyes. Why are you crying i asked. FINE THERE JAKES are you happy. have you been smoking? YEA OK YOU GOT THE ANSWER YOU WERE LOOKING FOR GET THE HELL OUT. why are you doing it? peer presure and just because i want to. how long have you been doing it? 2 months. (she only met jake 2 weeks ago) so you have been smoking before you met jake. yeah. i told her she was grounded till sept 30. I cant believe she would do that. she never kept anything from me before. i thought we had an open relationship. i still think this jake guy has a lot to do with it.
I do not have a teen but sounds like you may need family counseling.  A good book to read is "strong willed child" which I cannot find at the  moment for author.  I wish I can  help you more but I do not know.  I so dread the teen years.

I have not raisesd a teen either, but I was a teen girl once. My mom never said she disliked any of my boyfriends, she said she let me make choices and trusted I would have the right judgement. She found cigs on me when I was like 15, all she said was don't hide it, and let me smoke. If she tried to make me stop, I would have snuck them any way. (I grew up in a smoking home) maybe had something to do with it. I started drinking at a young age. My whole family where drinkers, so no one knew I was drinking and some adults even gave us drinks. I smoked marijuana with friends, did not like it. Was offered many drugs, never wanted them. I made my own choices. I had free rein. Somehow I feel the way I was raised, made me more street wise. I was not sheltered, hovered over, spyed on, restricted much. I learned responsibility early though, taking care of my horse. When I turned 16 my mom said I would have to pay for my horse's care from then on. I had to sell him and buy a car and get a job. I did all that and bought another horse 1 year later (never been without one since). I'm 39 now and I have made alot of mistakes, but here I am, happily married, 1 son, 3 horses, 10 acres, my own business, I still smoke and drink occasionally, but I am very responsible, and my mother is my best friend to this day.

I don't know what i'm trying to say here. I'm not saying give her free rein, but maybe be more understanding and trust her a little more? Let her figure out for herself this guy is good or not. Talk to her about the dangers of smoking and drinking, but let her make choices sometimes. You don't want them to be in danger, get in trouble, whatever, but they need to learn from their mistakes sometimes. I did lots of bad things in my childhood, but I never got in trouble with the law, I know things are different today though. Does your daughter have a hobby, if not, ask her what her intrest is. Horses kept me out of alot of trouble growing up and taught me alot. Alot of kids around here are into 4-H, dog showing, raising a steer, pig, sheep, into FFA......swim team, biking, art, there has got to be something. If a teen has nothing, they are more apt to get bored and get in trouble. Anyway, my mind just shut down on me.......hope I helped, if not sorry.