Interfering in your child’s friendships? | ADHD Information
I never have been a parent to interfere in my son's friendships. I let him work things out because he does well handling himself and making wise decisions socially. In the last year, however, he's been making poor decisions with one friend, and I'm beginning to wonder if I need to interfere.
This boy, we'll call him John, constantly is standing up my son for another friend, we'll call Tim. John will tell my son that he'll meet my son somewhere, play airsoft guns with him, go to a movie with him, etc., then John will stand my son up because Tim calls and wants to do something. Tim is three years older than John and my son, and he used to live in the neighborhood. On a number of occassions, when Tim used to live here, my son would go to John's to play, and John would turn him away, saying that Tim was over, so he couldn't play. When Tim didn't want to play with John, John was on the phone constantly or coming over constantly to play with my son. But when Tim was present? Forget it! Once, my son saw Tim and John playing airsoft guns on the golf course, and he enthusiastically grabbed his gun to go play. John said, "We never asked you to play!" My son was floored and in tears, and I was furious because John always is included when my son has other friends over.
Last night, it happened again. My son and John were supposed to a computer lock-in, then go bowling this morning. (My son formed a bowling league with four of his friends and included John, much to my disapproval ). John called around seven and confirmed he was going, then when my son called him at nine to say we were on our way to pick him up, John said he was going with Tim, instead. John and Tim sat in a different place in the lock-in and completely ignored my son. This morning, John's mother called and said that John couldn't go bowling because he was too tired. I wasn't inside when the phone rang, and it probably was a good thing, because I think I may have told her off. 
And that's what I mean. John's parents know he's doing this and never stop it. I would let my son have it, if he did this to a friend of his. There's part of me that realllly wants to confront this mother, for allowing her son to behave this way. I don't know why she does. And I don't know why my son keeps wanting to be friends with John . I'm really inclined to replace John on the bowling league, even though my son would not like the fact that I did, wait for John's mom to call me, and tear into her 
. But, like I've said, I've never interfered in my son's friendships.
Do you guys interfere? If so, when? Would you interfere in this friendship?
I think you should tell your son that what John's doing is inconsiderate, that you would never expect your son to do anything like that and that maybe John isn't the best person to ask to do stuff anymore. I know it's hard for ADD/ADHD kids to find friends, but I'd rather my son play by himself than be hurt by a "friend." We have a next door neighbor who is a year older than ds. He would only play with ds when none of his other friends were available and as soon as one showed up, he was off playing with them, leaving my son in the dust. After a few times when ds came home crying because Walker wouldn't play with him, I told him that maybe Walker wasn't the best candidate for a friend. He's the only kid in our neighborhood who's anywhere close to ds's age, but the behavior he modelled to my son was unacceptable.Have you tried hooking your son up with another boy he's friends with? That's what we did and ds is happy and I am happy. It can't be easy to continually get the message that you're second-best. I hope this helps, Lil.
You can bet I would! I have.
I later had to get after my son for doing the same thing because once a child thinks that its acceptable for one person to do that, he thinks its ok for him to behave the same way. I think it makes them feel more in control if they can do it to someone else. Its best to nip it in the bud before your son gets that message.
lillian-We discuss friendships, but I do not interfere. In elementary school I did a lot to try to help friendships along and in middle school I felt it was more up to him.
Your story sounds somewhat familiar to what has happened with ds' friend who is also our next door neighbor. Ds has been stood up a lot. (so was my daughter by girlfriends when she was in high school.) I think a lot of kids do it and I have the feeling that a lot of parents may not even be aware of it; or don't care. It might be harder for our kids becasue we have taught them to be honest, keep commitments and be on time. Ds and friend were great friends until suddenly the boy chose not to play with him about two years ago. He continued to be polite to ds. This is a really nice kid so I felt pretty bad about it. Recently they have gotten together a few times.
While it also happens with "normal" kids, it is just a lot harder when it happens to our children who may already have difficulties in making and keeping friends. I do not interfere altho it goes round and round in my head that I would like to. In my discussions with ds about friendships he seems to accept the other boy's behavior and then takes it to the extreme and asks me, "Are you saying I should give up on S----?" He knows I would say no, but then I add "go find some new friends." I have talked with the mother saying we wonder what happened but have not been offered a clue...recently they have gotten together. I often wonder if ds may have said an unkind or insensitive impulsive remark one time too many when he may have been off meds. I also wonder if he may have missed subtle remarks or body language. I really do not know. We have talked about how people say one thing but their body language sends the opposite message of how they really think or feel. Another thing is that most kids learn from the tough experiences. my kid used to need a lot more experiences before it penetrated. He is friendly with kids at school and appeared pretty outgoing at his summer couse, but he doesn't really have a good friend that he hangs with.
I would interfere by trying to influence your son. Point out John's behaviors in a very critical way, and describe how should have handled this or that. I would even bring it up with other adults, discussing in front of your son how diplorable John's behavior was, and what a rude child he is. I would say flat out that John is not a good friend, and spend some time defining what it means to be a good friend. I would make friendship the theme of the month. Of course, your son might repeat this to John, or his mother....but really, who cares?
My son has always been social, but last year, when he transitioned to public school and his best friend moved away, he became more introverted. He seemed to want to spend a lot of time with me, and we had a wonderful year together. I really got a chance to get to know my son, but I worried that he didn't seem very interested in socializing to the degree he had before. I discussed this with his teachers, and they were all surprised and said he had a lot of friends at school, and the children really liked him, though they also said that when the year began, he would retreat and stand back and watch, instead of joining in on the playground and during free time. I attributed this to the new culture of public school. He was scoping things out. At the end of the year, he invited his home base class to a party, and I feared none of the children would come because they hadn't been at our house or calling. No. Twenty-five children came! It was perplexing.
Last year, though, was when my son's relationship with John changed. They've known each other for four years. John was always the follower, coming over to our house and shyly socializing with the pack of boys here. Last year, John and Tim became much closer, and John's attitude towards my son drastically changed. John started competing with my son over everything. Our computer wasn't as fast, my son's airsoft guns weren't good, my son only had Xbox but John had all the game systems. Blah, blah, blah. John even went so far as to having his classes changed so that he could be in my son's classes and started moving in on my son socially at school. My son had made a new friend, who was in most of my son's classes, and when we went skiing during spring break last year, John invited this child over to his house and spent the entire time trashing my son, even calling him a "fag," which the child quickly told my son about when we returned. My son approached John about it, and John said, "Oh, I was just kidding. You know me!" and my son let it go, much to my dismay and frustration .
John has changed from being a shy, introverted kid who used to kind of tag along to a controlling, manipulative bully. It's like he saw my son's vulnerability last year in public school and went in for a kill, and he's not letting up. And I've talked and talked to my son about saying goodbye to this friendship, and my son won't do it.
lillian38970.209537037I think I would just encourage your son to invite some of his new friends from school over to play and to participate in activities. When your son wants to invite John to do something, you can ask him how important it is to have a friend with him for the activity. Remind him that there is a good chance John will stand him up and he will have to do whatever it is alone, or not be able to go himself if its something he needs someone to participate in. Possibly he could invite him only to group activities where one child more or less won't make a difference.
Help your son to evaluate the situation and make his decisions based on the importance of having someone he can rely on involved. Hopefully he will learn not to ask John to do things unless he is willing to be stood up.
I don't think any kid is going to grow up without being stood up occasionally and they have to learn to deal with that, but anyone who habitually hurts your child by doing so shouldn't be encouraged. By inviting him to nearly everything, John is learning that your son will take any abuse to keep him for a friend. Its unhealthy for both boys to experience that.
We need to find your son a new friend not a friend who is using him. I wish things were easier for your kids I really do.I agree with a lot of points made here. Especially with barb and jfla2. I would have small discussions on what being and having a friend means, and how you should treat each other. My son has had similar difficulties with friends, and really had so few friends, that he couldn't afford to lose one, so that I understand not wanting to give one up, even when it's a bad one. My son has been extremely lonely at times and it caused both of us much sadness. 
Still I know there is a lesson in there somewhere for my son. He has learned how NOT to treat a friend by the way he was treated. He has learned to have more respect for himself then to let someone treat him badly for the sake of friendship. He has learned you teach people how to treat you, by NOT allowing them to use and abuse you. He has learned if you look hard enough there ARE other people out there who will treat you better. He has learned many lessons, even though painful. 
My son has been holding a job now for a month, so he really doesn't have time for these "friends" any more now. He is meeting new people at work, and I'm sure he will have a new friend before long. 
So I guess my opinion is I would have small discussions about friendships, but I wouldn't flat out tell your son to get rid of this person. That needs to come from within himself to do, or he won't have learned a thing, and it may likely happen again if he didn't learn from this one. He may also resent you for butting in and taking control of the situation. JMO Hope everything works out and your son finds a good new best friend.