Feel I’m failing my daughter! | ADHD Information

I'm an ADD Mom with a beautiful 7yr old daughter who is in 2nd grade. She attends a private school, thanks to my parents who flip the bill, and enjoys having many friends. Here's the problem... As she becomes more social I feel like a complete failure. She spent the night at a friends house last week and has been to several other childrens homes to play,I would LOVE to have them over to our home except- It's a disaster!!!From the pot holes in the front yard and overgrown dying rose bushes to the piles of crap on my front porch, through the rooms upon rooms of clutter, books, clothes and dog hair! (The only room I manage to keep clean is hers). I'm so freaking embarassed! All her classmates live on the rich part of town, beautiful homes, we don't I laugh and say we live in the "ghetto" but it really isn't that far from the truth or that funny! ( Have a gun shot hole in my bathroom thanks to my lovely neighbor!). Anyway, financially I can't move, I'm unemployed working my way through graduate school- There's really nothing I can do but felt that someone might relate and offer some much needed moral support! Thanks!

the only thing i can sugest is, go through the clutter donate it or throw away what you dont need, this in it self will make you feel better,

yes if these friends are true friends of your daughter they will understand that you dont live in the same areas as them, they like your daughter for who she is and you taught her all of that, be proud of your daughter

kids dont care..  its parents that are hypercritical.. sorry to hear that ur post is dripping anxiety...

 

Honey, it doesn't sound like you are on any kind of meds.  You might want to visit with your doctor about therapy - chemical or otherwise.  

I used to have the same thing going on with me. I couldn't make myself do hardly anything.  My house was a disaster.  Things were piled on top of things. It was horrible.  I would get so overwhelmed with where to start, couldn't make a decision about what to do with a 2 yr old magazine much less piles of them, couldn't figure out places for things (the options were endless and then if I did I couldn't remember where the place was when I went to put 'it' there). 

Somewhere along the road I listened to a lecture by Suze Orman (strange I know).  She talked about getting rid of the clutter.  Then she put it in plain terms.  The clutter costs.  Either it costs you mental/emotional/physical energy or it literally costs you $$ to store it.  That kind of hit home.  She talked about if you haven't touched it or worn it in one year bag 'it' up and take it to charity.  Don't lie to yourself that you will have a garage sale or will use it or are saving it for the kids.  Get rid of it. 

Of course I was still ADD and didn't know it then. I still had the paralysis of will but if and when I got the energy and motivation to clean house I was ruthless.  I hyperfocused. It would take an entire day.  Of course I deep cleaned everything.   Then I would get exhausted and not clean again for months. 

But then, I found out that I was ADD. And I got help via Strattera.  OMG! The fog lifted and the paralysis lifted.  I could tend to the mundane crap like folding laundry, emptying the dishwasher, weeding the flower bed.  I also use tricks like listening to music (it's to distract the voices in my head), otherwise I tend to stray off task and spend endless hours online.  (like now )  I also hire someone to come in and do a basic clean every two weeks.  That way at least I know the carpet is vacuumed, the sheets are changed, floors swept and mopped, toilets/showers cleaned.  It puts me under pressure to pick the house up at least once every two weeks.   My non-ADD husband has learned that  the expense is worth having a house that he's not afraid to have someone drop in on us. 

A couple of months ago one of my son's friend's mom dropped over. Unexpected.  I don't remember how it got around to it but she commented that my house was always 'perfect'.  You could have knocked me over with a feather!  That's when I realized that I had turned a corner and I was in semi-control of my life.

You can do it.

 

 

 

 

[QUOTE=rayray812x]kids dont care..  its parents that are hypercritical.. sorry to hear that ur post is dripping anxiety...[/QUOTE]

ray812:  Couldn't have said it better. 

I guarantee you the people with the messiest/craziest house/home are where ALL the kids want to go, because that's where the parents have their priorities straight.  Family first, everything else can go to hell.  Needless to say, my house is an impeccable monument of order.  Try to get over what the parents think, by smiling & being really friendly/show/let them feel you're responsible & trustworthy.  Looking back, the kids /parents will remember what fun they had at your house, not what it looked like or the dirty underpants strewn across the kitchen floor.  Or where ever--I was just making that part up.  Honest.  No one ever has fun at my house unless I've scheduled it.

My Kids where what motivated me to get my act together.  My mom is ADD and I didn't want to be like her.  You don't have to live in a messy house even though it feels like you have no options.  You can get a handle on it. 

 Here is what you do.  Start with what bothers you the most.  For me it was my desk in my kitchen, I would think your porch would be a good place to start. Go buy big trash bags.  Then, start pitching.  Get rid of anything you have more than one of.  Then, you either find a place for it or pitch it.  Every thing should have it's own place, no exceptions. If you can not find a place for it it has got to go.  Make a list as you go of baskets and containers you may need.  Then, go to good will or dollar store, or some other cheap place and by what you need.  Start with just one hour a day.  Once everyting has a place,  don't let anything leave your hand till it is back in its place.  When you are done with one area start the next.  Find someone to hold you accountable.  Or post here and and I'll hold you accountable. 

You can do it and you will feel so good about yourself.  What I find is my house still gets messy but it is so much easier to clean up because everyting has a place.  I had a professional organizer help me but now that I know how it is easy.  I would be happy to give you more pointers if you would like.  You can email me a olandworks@aol.com.  Good luck!

teacher200638970.4966087963got speed?Thanks for everyones support! Glen-- Sadly I'm not single so I can't use that as an excuse! My husband is ADD as well, so therefore things do get out of control. He works very hard to provide for us, if he didn't there's no way i could go back to school. As far as kids not caring,I know "they" don't but their parents do. I know I should get over it, and yes I realize that I should just clean up and I do know how--Funny I used to clean other peoples homes for a living! But sometimes my anxiety and depression get the best of me.Someone a while back posted about paralisis of will, that's what it feels like sometimes. Sometimes I wish I were ADHD instead then I'd at least have some energy! Anyway, I can feel my mood lightening so maybe I'll go chop some weeds or something--Thanks again for letting me vent!!

psychgirl - you are in the MAJORITY of single parents - not the minority!!

Take comfort in the fact that a single mom who is trying to get ahead often has a disaster zone for a house and a yard that is neglected.  You have only two hands and twenty-four hours in a day and what more could you do?  Unless the tooth fairy starts paying out in thousand dollar bills I doubt you'll find the additional cash legally under your pillow.

Rest assured that a lot of the kids in her group have the same household.  Single moms aren't known for their asphalt skills or their handyperson status.  A chaotic house is a living house I'm told.

Do the best you can - and you can do so with a clean conscience.  Perhaps you could ask for respite from the local welfare services in your community.  I know here in canada that lower-income single parents can get help cleaning and getting their houses in order if they are in a certain tax bracket.  I'm sure that most areas in north america must have something similar!

And just know we all here think you're fantastic!! If you ever need a big bony shoulder to lean on - I have two.

 

I struggle with the same thing - single mom, messy house, kids with friends who have nice, clean houses.

I'm making progress the pace of a snail but unfortunately it's only slightly faster than I am making new clutter.

Anyway, I have a TIVO recorder and record all the Mission Organization shows on HGTV.  This is a show where professionals go into people's homes and help them get organized and declutter.

I watch it and am inspired and go organize until I am interrupted.  BUT!  Instead of quitting for months, the next time I watch the show I am inspired again and get a little more done.

Now if I can just get a weekend without kids to watch Mission Organization over and over until I have my house done!

Sounds like my house when I was growing up. I had a
single mom and there were 4 kids.

Get rid of what you should. Clean up as much as you can.
As long as it is clean, a little clutter is not a big
thing. In my opinion the important thing for the kids is
that they feel welcome and comfortable. Bake some
cookies, rent a nice movie and everyone will be happy.